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CHEAP
FEEL PARADISE
THE
JOYS OF PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
DEAR KEN & ARIEL:
Everyday I take the subway to work and I am always fortunate enough to
get a seat. Now over the past three weeks, I have noticed an interesting
pattern developing: This tall, beautiful brunette works her way over to
where I'm seated and then basically sticks her butt in my face for the
duration of the ride. We never have any eye contact--it's just her butt and
my face for about 15 minutes every day (her stop comes before mine). Now I'm
an upstanding young citizen who knows better that to stare at a beautiful
butt, but it seems like there's some kind of message being sent here... and
I'm not even sure it's a good message, to be honest. How do I get to the
bottom of this (and please pardon the bad pun).
 ARIEL
SAYS: John Denver's underground hit, "Put your ass on my shoulder"
would make a fitting soundtrack for your otherwise hellish bouts with the
public transportation system. But for God's sake, don't start singing that
as a come-on to your honey-buns. After all, what if (gasp!) there is no
message scrawled across those beautiful cheeks?
Knowing the subway as intimately as I do, I certainly understand that
people usually don't have the luxury of choosing where to stick their
various body parts. Case in point: I recently made a sweet old man's
morning much, much sweeter when my subway car jerked to a sudden stop and
I impaled him against a Stop & Shop advertisement with my breasts. So
you may have to chalk up her habit to a happy convergence of the planets,
and pray for a holding pattern.
However, my fine upstanding young citizen, I'm forced to
ask, if you're so eager to converse with her, why you haven't thought to
offer her your seat? I know you enjoy the dorsal view she offers, but if
you'd like to get to know more than her daily choice of thong or panty,
this would be a sensible start.
If she declines your chivalrous attempt, try to see what she's reading.
Make some inane remark like, "A Perfect Storm? I knew a
fisherman once." If she has nothing to read, offer her a section of
your newspaper. Talk about the weather. You have fifteen minutes of her
undivided attention (hell, she's stuck there, isn't she?). Use it wisely.
 KEN
SAYS: A
ride on the T--or any city's subway system for that matter--can be a
life's worth of adventure rolled into twenty minutes. Unfortunately, I
have never, in my subway experience, enjoyed a dazzling starlet's arse
arched coyly in my field of vision; rather, it's the drunken hoboes,
pimpled octogenarians and drooling Vietnam vets who usually congregate in
my personal space.
Is a message being sent?
Perhaps… the T can be a crowded place, and the fact that this chick
always manages to position herself where she can best offer you the full
view of her backside seems a bit suspicious. In many ways, this is akin to
those spandex queens you'll find in any gym, who feel compelled to test
the durability of their stretch pants by bending over and doing extensive
hamstring exercises in front of large groups of sweaty men. It's that
whole "I know you wanna look, but I don't want you to look" vibe
that has forever had dudes scratching their heads.
On the other hand, a packed
subway car is a cheap feel paradise, and perhaps you've been blessed with
the sort of honest countenance that tells shapely gals they can dock their
derrieres closeby without the threat of unwelcome petting.
Regardless, I agree with
Ariel that the first step is to offer this young lass your seat. That's
what known in the trade as your "in." From there, just pick a
topic--the weather, the Sox, your job--and see if she's game for
conversation. If she's clearly not interested, then you'll at least seem
the chivalrous lad for your act of kindness. And you still get to look
forward to her ass in your face the next day!
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