Thank you for checking out the Joe Simon Comedy Homepage. No attitude problems here or maybe that was just one. I've been busy lately. I have some scheduled shows coming up but I do not have my calendar in front of me. That club that I was regularly performing at closed up, but I am still doing shows around. I will be performing at the Radison hotel on 10-30-99 at the annual convention of the California Counsel of The Blind, a division of the American Counsel of the Blind. The above mentioned show went very well. It was captured on tape and I am thinking of making it available in the near future. ----------------------------------------------------------------- What a terrable new years eve this has been. Russian President Borris Yeltsten resigned. On this news my stock in Smirnov lost 50% of it's value. On an up note I heard he may be appointed as United Nations Ambassitor to Busch Gardens. 12-31-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ABC TV is having 24 hour coverage of New Years eve 1999 turning 2000. PAX TV is also having 24 hour coverage. The only difference is PAX will only be seen by 24 people. Now I am wondering If you were watching PAX, and the TV went out like it usually does, would I be wondering is it the channel or did this Y2K conspiracy come true.12-17-99 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was watching Treasures In Your Home on PAX TV. Co hostest Lori Hibbard said, that she is known for breaking things. Is that really the kind of person you want to be around antiques and collectables. For our next appraisal we have this lovely 3 piece set of crystal. Oops! I meant 300 piece set. 12-17-99 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to my friends house. He had huge packages of products. I figured he was getting ready for Y2K. He told me he went shopping at Costco Warehouse Club. I can imagine those people waiting for the last minute to prepare for Y2K. Costco would be the perfect store to shop. You thought it was a madhouse before Christmas, I can image what it would be like on December 31, 1999. Attention Costco customers due to Y2K we regret to inform you that we have to limit sales of toilet paper to 20 pallets a person. 12-9-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Gates said that he is staying home this New Years Eve. This does not comfort me. He knows how bad this Microsoft junk is. He does not want to risk it. By the way I heard because of truth in labeling they are renaming Internet Explorer to a more realistic name, Internet Crash. 12-7-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Tommy Lee and Pamala Anderson are remarrying. I remember she was hit by him. Do you think she is making a mistake. Oh well! I understand they are writing their own vows. They are getting help from a person who writes advertising slogans. Maybe you recognize his work. He wrote the one for Timex. It takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking. 11-25-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not a sports fan, but their's always one in the crowd on Thanksgiving Day. I saw some of that football game the Cowboys Vs. the Dolphins. The score was 20-0. I'm learning this sports stuff. They had the score in the corner of the TV screen with abbreviations. I am proud of my self, I figured it out on my own. The DAL 20 stood for Dallas Cowboys and MIA 0 stood for Missing in Action. 11-25-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- One of the hot new dolls is the Governor Jesse Ventura in Action Doll. I heard the other governor doll is not doing as well. It's California Governor Gray Davis No Action Doll. 11-19-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In England they have a new high tech shopping cart. It's electronic you push a button on the control panel and the cart moves to any where in the store you want to go. I got lost, I'm not feeling to fresh right now luckily I was by the feminine products. One of the features is a video game on the cart for the kids. That could come in handy in decision making. Kids what kind of cereal do you want. Let me see which choice is the survivor of my violent video game. 11-19-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A University of Kansas football player did not get his Chilupa in his Taco Bell order. He tried to climb in the drive thru window and got stuck. The police came to get the person out of the window. They said drop the Chilupa and drop the cashier. He cut them a deal. He said I'll drop the Chilupa if you drop the donuts. 11-19-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------I'm not a sports fan, but my hometown team the New York Yankees are playing in the world series. I'm not sure who they will be playing the New York Mets or the Atlanta Braves. I heard they were hoping to play the braves because traveling time is shorter from New York to Atlanta than from Yankee Stadium to Shea Stadium which is less than 20 miles away. 10-20-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A new report came out saying do not drink Mountain Dew because it lowers a mans sperm count. They claim the dye is the problem. Hey it's not working I'm dieting. I finally figured out the problem. I'm using the Mountain Dew to wash down my Viagra pill. They claim they need to conduct more studies. Good luck finding people to participate. By the way the informed Mountain Dew drinkers are switching to a 12-pack of Jolt Cola a day. The only draw back is I am staying awake 23 hours a day. 10-16-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- NBC is in trouble. The show Law and Order Special Victims Unit referred to a person having oral sex as getting a Lewinsky. Her father demanded an apology. I can see him being mad. You should not bring down the good name and high moral standards of Monica Lewinsky. 10-16-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton met with Lucy Lawless(Zena Princess Warrior). I heard he was suppose to meet with Hercules also. That meeting was canceled when he realized it was nothing special. He usually gets to meet with a rougher tougher person very often. Janet Reno. 9-19-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a concert this weekend. They had a sign outside. It said no weapons. Hey this is unfair. If Ted Nugent is allowed to bring his weapon, I should be able to bring mine. They also did not allow you to bring in laser pens. I can see that. The light might interfere with the scope on Ted Nugent's riffle. And the unlawful search was ridiculous. I don't mind a reasonable search but I did not feel the handcuffs were necessary. Ted likes to hunt. The animal rights nuts I mean animal rights people were protesting at one of his resent shows. I liked his comments about animal rights. "The only rights an animal has is to be on his barbeque grill. Remember you got to kill 'em before you grill 'em." He did a special California version of his song, "Kiss My Ass" from his Spirit of the Wild release. The special version of this song had a tribute to CA Governor Gray Davis(gun banner and confiscation laws) which not only did he tell him to kiss his ass he told him to suck one of his body parts. Be careful telling him that. Gray Davis might take you up on that offer. Other tribute members U.S. Senators Diane Feinstein(gun laws only apply to you and not her) and even worse Barbara (bad check writer) Boxer. Back to music. Other performers Night Ranger(met them at that TV show I use to be on) Quiet Riot and Slaughter. Slaughter did their song "Dangerous" while the singer ran through the audience to see who worshiped him. It did not seen too dangerous. He had 20 security guards with him. 9-9-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The English language is very confusing. Some words have more than one meaning. Take for example, if someone said they have a laptop one would assume you were talking about a portable computer. If President Clinton has a laptop. Totally different meaning. 9-9-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Have you seen the new Charmin Toilet Tissue? They claim it is as soft as a pillow. How did they come up with this? Like most of us wipe our butt with a pillow. I got to use the restroom, I have my magazine. Oh wait! I might be out of toilet tissue, I better get a couple of pillows.9-9-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The WB network is promoting the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spinoff called "Angel." This is a show about a 244 year old who does good deeds. This is based on a true story about another 244 year old that does good deeds. I think it was called the life story of Strom Thurmond.9-9-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------A video game Blew up in a mall in Moscow. The person playing was heard before saying that the graphics on this Mortal Kombat game were not realistic enough. Than came the message GAME OVER ba boom. 9-2-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In Dallas Texas, American Airlines is giving free food to the homeless people. That must be bad if they get turned down. Let me see, airline food. No thanks, I will stick with the trash bin. 9-1-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- At U.C. Berkeley on the list of recommended reading for college freshman is "Winnie the Pooh". I was looking around and found that was not the only unusual suggested reading material for students there. The students enrolled in Pre-Med should read Dr. Seuss. Suggested reading for the fraternity members include the ingredient statements on the Budwieser label. 9-1-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I have to give Presidential candidate Dan Quayle a lot of credit. The United States said they would send aid to Turkey after the earthquake. Quayle said if he was president he would have sent aid to Turkey, however he would also send some aid to Chicken as well.8-30-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- ABC has a new show called Wasteland. It is suppose to be a youthful oriented show in the style of the dramas on the WB Network. I heard the name "Wasteland" and thought don't we already have two shows with this name. C-Span I and II. 8-25-99 ---------------------------------------------------------------- I was looking at the TV ratings for the WB Network. Two cancelled shows "Unhappily Ever After" and the "Wayans Brothers" were some of their highest rated shows. Good idea cancel the shows people watch and keep on the shows that people don't watch. A few less viewers and they will be down there with UPN and PAX. 8-25-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The slogan on the WB is "I Can't Wait Anymore." I'm ready for the new shows, I need to catch up on my sleep. 8-20-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Quayle came in 8th. in the Iowa Straw Poll. He claimed he did O.K. Sure he did, this is Dan Quayle we are talking about. He thinks 8 comes after 1. He thought he should have done better because he brought 10 boxes of straws with him. He even wanted extra credit because some of the straws were flexible. 8-16-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Republican Newt Grigrich was involved in a sex scandal. Man are the democrats mad at this. They claim they are suppose to be the party involved in sex scandals. I can see why they are mad. They worked over 30 years to achieve this milestone, than along came a republican . He took away all their glory in one day. There is still hope for Gingrich. Since he has experience being around someone involved in sex scandals for over 6 years Al Gore is thinking about naming him as his running mate. 8-16-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Monica Lewinski got into a car accident. I hope she did not get too injured, she would have to give herself mouth to mouth resuscitation. Usually in a car accident they test you for alcohol. That must have been an experience for the cops. Blow into this. Oh no the breathalizer blew up. 8-8-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------Felicity star Keri Russell wanted a raise in her salary and was willing to play hardball. Raise or walk out. Now that she got her raise she can afford acting lessons. I said hey if she can do it, I can also do it at the clubs I perform in. It paid off for me to. They upgraded my Diet Coke for a regular Coke. This was no ordinary Coke they told me it was a Classic Coke. I was wondering if other stars were asking for more. I found out that the stars on the UPN Network did not push to far. Not a bad deal. The choice was get an extra malt liquor in your dressing room or be punished and be placed on the PAX network. 7-30-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fox is going to have two nights of Alley McBeal. The second night will be Tuesday, and will be an edited down half hour version of the show from the night before. This is a great idea. Usually when you watch this show you fall asleep and miss 58 minutes. Now you get a second chance. 7-30-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Ohio Democrats want Jerry Springer to run for the senate. I don't know if he would fit in. Just doesn't seen sleazy enough 7-23-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I saw a study that said overweight woman are better in bed. I can see their point. Can you imagine being in bed with Calista Flockhart. Yeah the woman from Alley McBeal. She lays down. Where did she go? I don't see her any more. 6-29-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------If I want to hear good music I no longer turn on the radio. Non there. I turn on the TV and wait for a car commercial. I get to hear all my favorites. Chevy has one, "Like a Rock." So I got one. No not a Chevy Truck, a rock. I sat on it. I got the feeling the it was not the same. 6-1-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------I got to give Dan Quayle credit. He say's if he can't become President on the North American Continent he will try to become President on the East American Continent. 6-1-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- This fall Fox is going to have two nights of Alley McBeal. What have we done to deserve this cruel and unusual torture? Instead of putting on the TV, I should just sit in the electric chair and get it over with faster. 6-1-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Al Gore is not going to have any fund-raising scandals involving China. He found a new way to fund his campaign. He's planning on finding 1,000,000 Yoda's on the Pepsi/ Star Wars under the cap game. 6-1-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- There are some allegations that China stole military secrets. Well you know it is the year of the rat. Luckily in China the year of the rat is for one year. It seems in Washington D.C. the year of the rat is an everlasting process. 5-27-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------I saw a news story that said G.I. Joe is giving young boys the wrong message. Must be the violence. Don't worry we can give them fake plastic bullets. 5-27-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Two of my favorite TV shows were canceled. " Millennium and Unhappily Ever After." I noticed Millennium did a countdown to the new millennium. The show did a good job except they were only off in their countdown by a year. Unhappily, "Married With Children" clone tried to have a letter writing campaign to save the show. The only problem is that non of their viewers knew how to write. 5-27-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The season finally of Buffy the Vampire Slayer has been postponed because the WB network claims it depicts violence at school kind of like what happened in Colorado. I can see their point. Buffy is such a realistic show. In one of the scenes the principal turns into a 20 foot monster. I'm trying to remember. I think that happened at my school everyday. It's a good thing Just Shoot Me is on NBC and not on The WB. They would not be able to air that show because it has the word shoot in it. 5-25-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I just saw 60 Minutes. They had a story about a non- profit organization called Dress For Success. This program teaches people how to Dress to get a job. They showed a person That just got out of jail for dealing drugs. I can see how well that job interview went. "Do you have any sales experience." Do I have sales experience? Boy do I Have sales experience. How hard can it be to sell appliances, I use to sell drugs. 5-25-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Tennessee has a new law that allows you to eat any road kill you kill while driving on the highways. That will explain that strange phone call I received from a friend last week. He asked me how to cook Pine.5-22-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In San Francisco they are building a $60 million Grateful Dead museum. You know in an amusement park the ride has a sign that says, "You must be this high to use this ride." At the Grateful Dead museum they have a similar sign. It says you must be high. It's great with your admission fee you get free brownies. 5-22-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu lost his re-election bid. He did not do to well. He came in fourth. Yahoo the search engine and Yoo-Hoo the chocolate action drink even received more votes. 5-22-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Just today Ted Kennedy and Boris Yeltsin were seen in line waiting for movie tickets. I guess they misunderstood the name. They thought it was called, "Bar Wars." 5-13-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Things are not looking good for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu's re-election. Today he received a letter from Ed McMahon and on the envelope it said, "You May Already Be a Winner." We know how that usually ends. 5-13-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Quayle was asked who his favorite Star Wars character was. He said he narrowed it down to two choices, Captain Kirk or R 2 Dumb 2. 5-13-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- NATO troops went to the wrong country. One thing you don't want to hear when you're dealing with missiles is oops. Just missed it by one or two countries. I'm surprised they did not attack Italy. Well you know on the ground it does not look like a boot. I'm getting to wonder if NATO is run by the same people from Hogan Heros. 5-1-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I just found this out. Columbine High School has a course on death. I use to do jokes about this because other schools have this course. This course includes viewing the coffin and proper body layout. Kids you look happy. You bet we're going to school today to learn about death. 5-1-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------Out of the shooting in Littleton Colorado at Columbine High School the Government is considering a waiting period for bomb making materials. You could make bombs using things like baking soda bleach and vinegar. A waiting period, my refrigerator is building up odor, my clothes need to be white, and I want my salad to taste good. It's worse. Pipes can be used in making bombs too. Oh no I have a leak in my house. I have to wait a week to get new pipes. I have to keep dumping these buckets of water. 4-28-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I Kosovo NATO bombed the Chinese Embassy. They blamed it on old maps. I see the problem. Instead of using the 3 A's maps they got maps from AA. I'm surprised they did not bomb the U.S. Embassy.4-28-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Scientist discovered replacement parts for brains. They need to try this in Washington D.C. I can think of 535 test subjects.. 4-28-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Ford is going to sell used car parts on the Internet. They are also planing to sell new parts with slight defects. I thought they already sell defective parts. I have an F-150 truck that came with plenty of defective parts. 4-26-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Big controversy with the Marilyn Manson concert. The city council is holding hearing to prevent them from coming to town. I don't know which side I should support. You have one evil group against another. Out of respect I've never met the members of Marilyn Manson, so I don't know if they are evil. As for the city council well you decide. Maybe we should run the city council out of town and bring Marilyn Manson to town. 4-23-99 ---------------------------------------------------------------- On daylights saving time you lose an hour. That time is on the first day of spring. This can't be true. I lose an hour every Monday when I turn on Ally McBeal. 4-20-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------One of my ten year old jokes just became a reality in California. You can now vote for none of the above instead of one of the candidates. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Pamala Anderson had her breast implants removed. She said she was tied of them. Most guy's were not tired of them. I discovered some inside information. She was tired of using a cain to stand in an upright position. 4-15-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------Marilyn Manson is coming to town with special guest, never heard of them but this is what the ad said, Nashville Pussy. Like we don't have enough weirdos in town we need to import some. 4-10-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Out of force of habit President Clinton came out to protest the war in Kosovo. He backed down when he realized he started it. 4-10-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was going to run for president, but I'm not sure if I can win. I do not have any nuclear secrets to sell to China. 4-10-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Quayle said he is confident at becoming President of the United States of South America. 4-10-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- NATO bombed the Yugo Car Plant. Why did they do that? If they want to slow down the people in Kosovo they should make sure everyone has a Yugo. This way their cars will not work and they can't get anywhere. NATO claimed they were building weapons. How effective would these things be? The missile flies one block before it breaks down. What kind of launching technology could they have. Three guys throwing it as far as they can. They were going high tech. I heard they were using a Yugo inner tube as a sling shot.4-10-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was watching The Victory Garden. The host picked up a clump of soil conditioners which he claimed worked well. It was 30 year old cow manure. I know I do not clean my place that often, but I would never brag about having 30 year old poop around. I noticed people waste their time collecting wine. What a waste. Now for an important collection. Come down to my poop cellar. This is vintage poop from the 60'. It's fine poop from a '69 steer end. Poop was better from that time period. The cows were more radical. 4-8-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Baywatch is moving filming to Hawaii. I think they are going to discover they can't act there either. Baywatch is not known to have the most intelligent actresses, but they are learning. They said they love being on the continent of Hawaii and they think it is a beautiful country. 4-8-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A city in Maryland had to get rid of their Clean Highway Program because the KKK wanted to participate. The city said they do not want hate groups to participate and it was easier to get rid of the program than to fight in court. I think to real controversy was that the city officials could not convince the KKK members to take off the white sheets and put on the more safety minded yellow sheets. 4-1-99 I this case I wonder whom the real hate group is. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Rolling Stones wanted Widespread Panic to open up their concerts. I did not even know that was a name of a music group. Sounds more like a group of people that are fearing Al Gore will become president.4-1-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The military is now accepting high school drop outs. I saw a few proposed slogans. 1) Bee all that me could bee. 2) We do less before 12 noon than most people do before they wake up. 3)Sign up now and get a complimentary copy of Hooked on Phonics. Of course you can register on their web-site. Let's see that's WW I can't remember what comes after the second W. 4-1-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The last episode of Jesse is on April 1st. Another April Fools gag. Apparently that is the last episode of the season and they will be back in the fall. 3-25-99 By the way, I still did not see this show but intend to watch it. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Drew Carey Show is doing that April fools show again this year where they intentionally put in mistakes. The viewer whom finds the most mistakes wins a prize. Hint; it is easier to find the mistakes on the UPN. It's called, "Love Boat The Next Wave." 3-25-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton said that we are in Kosovo for the children. What can be the important interest that the children have in Kosovo? I'm thinking. I found it. What do you want to do for spring break children, go to Disney Land or Hawaii. We want to go to the new vacation hot spot, kosovo.3-25-99 ---------------------------------------------------------------- I saw the Academy Awards this week. If you did not know an Oscar went to Christina Applegate. Not for her role in The Big Hit, Mafia Or Claudine's Return. They gave her an Oscar if she promises to make no movies in 1999. I like her and I say this. Can you imagine what I would be saying about her if I did not like her. I can not say because that will tell the secret of what I write about. I heard she has her own Web-site. To show no negative feelings toward her when I find it I will give you a link if you want to keep up on the real news.3-25-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- We are having problems in Kosovo. Don't worry we have our best man on the job, Al Gore. You remember Vice President Al Gore the one who said, "The music industry will miss Michael Jordan." You might want to be careful shopping this weekend. He might say, we have problems in these foreign countries and now these wholesale clubs. OK! start bombing Costco.3-20-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- This week the Dow Jones Industrial Index hit the 10,000 mark for the first time, but for only a few minutes. That's not the only milestone this week. President Clinton also hit number 10,000 likewise for only a few minutes. 3-18-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- My favorite person is running for president. Dan Quayle! For the media It's Quayle Hunting Season. I think I have a statement from his committee. High i am dna quail an i am runing from principle of the united states off america. I am not sure if that is an official notice. 2-14-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- 1999 is one second longer than 1998. I figured out what I am going to do with my extra second. I am going to watch one second of Sarah Michell Gellar's new movie, "Simply Irresistible." That should be enough time to for me to get up and sneak into another movie. Even the commercial dosn't not make me want to see it. A better title would be Simply Resistible. 2-9-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A moment of silence. Not a person. Not an animal. Worse. Something I used and enjoyed from my youth on the east coast and followed along for many years as it expanded to the west. They will be missed. I can't image anyone or group screwing up as bad as Stroh's except for the government. Of course I am talking about Stroh's Brewery. They are selling out and splitting up their brands among two other poorly managed companies, Pabst and Miller. When you think about it buying some of their brands may be smart. For a business stand point you want loyal customers and when it came to customer loyalty who better to have as a customer than someone that will have to travel 1500 miles just to find a store which sells one of it's national beers. It's worse, for less than the price you can buy a 12 pack of Schlitz for, you can buy the entire product line. 2-9-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bad news Melrose Place was cancelled. It wasn't due to bad ratings, it was the engineers report. It seems the building where it was filmed the show was filmed suffered structural fatigue from the years of bed shaking. I noticed that TV shows give credits to business. The X-files give credit to a car company. Melrose Place gives credit to a mattress company. It was a well deserved credit. They must change those mattress every week. 2-9-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- February 2nd is Ground Hogs Day. I just found this out. There is more than one ground hog. They are located in different parts of the country. It works different in Washington D.C. If President Clinton comes out in the Oval Office and sees any stained clothing that means there will be six more weeks of the trial. 1-27-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- ESPN is having a half hour documentary honoring O. J. Simpson. I'm not sure what to look for in the TV listings. Maybe I should look under the American Murderer Awards. 1-27-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Pope John Paul II was in St. Louis and meet with President Clinton. I'm not sure how it went, but I'm sure they were both covering their eyes and looking down. He wanted to hear President Clinton's sins but the Pope said that he did not know if he would be living long enough to hear them all. He did tell President Clinton that it may not help but he might want to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. I'm not sure if the president took a hint. He said Mary, I can do that. 1-27-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Here is a fun fact. 1999 will be one second longer than 1998. I have big plans for my extra second. I'm going to listen to the entire Republican response to President Clinton's speech 1-27-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------This was a true story on the news. Health officials said that you need to get exercise, it even counts if all you get is by going back and forth to the refrigerator. I'm taking this one step further. I'm now switching from is tiny 12 ounce beer to a 40 ounce beer. Not only am I walking back and forth to the refrigerator, I'm also lifting heavier weight. 1-27-99 ---------------------------------------------------------------- The president of NBC TV said that they will tone down the amount of sex on NBC. Already there are problems. The writers of Jesse said, "There is something other than sex." The writers of Friends said, "You mean we are going to have to come up with some real topics.1-20-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was looking in my TV paper on Tuesday January 19, 1999 and it stated that today's best bets to watch were President Clinton's State of the Union Address or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Let me see. Should I watch a fictitious made up untrue story or should I watch Buffy. 1-19-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton had his State of the Union speech. I noticed one interesting comment. He said that there was a budget surplus and they could do the easy thing and return the money to the people, but they may not know what to do with it. Good idea let the government keep it because they do a much better job at wasting it than I can. What really gets me is that the audience was applauding when he said this. How dumb are they. 1-19-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I heard the dumbest medical news. A doctor found a way to vertically eliminate the chance of a woman from getting breast cancer. His solution is to cut them off. Doesn't sound to good to me. I think most woman have a need for them. Maybe not all woman take for example Ellen Degeneras. I am wondering what the name of the doctor was. Could it be Dr. John Wayne Bobbit getting even with his wife. 1-19-99 -----------------------------------------------------------------Our air pollution control district has a scam for telling you not to use your fireplace. It's called Spare the Air Day. The first time I heard "Spare the Air" I felt I was doing my part by not eating at Taco Bell. It's ridiculous. It's 20 degrees out. Don't use your fireplace, however feel free to use it all you want when it's 120 degrees. 1-19-99 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Doctors will soon be able to perform an operation from their office to any location in the world over the telephone using a video camera and a robotic arm. I can see it already. I'm in the middle of my operation, Oh wait a minute, call waiting. Sounds like a good deal, but I think I will pass this time. I really have to pass, I don't want to change my long distance company, besides I have to get back to my emergency bypass surgery. 1-7-99 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Big Raid at the Constitutional Colleagues last meeting. They sell video tape that teach you your constitutional rights. The sheriffs claimed it was a pyramid scheme. I'm not sure. This was similar to other sales gimmicks,(Example buy a bamboo steamer get a free set of wooden utensils). Same principle. Learn your Constitutional Rights and as an added bonus learn your Miranda Rights. The funny thing about this is that two of the people arrested for selling this stuff were sheriffs. They had to arrest their own men. This must have been fun. This was the first time the prisoners were able to help the arresting officer. I have the keys for to cell. The other one I'll close it behind us. 1-7=99 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Elizabeth Dole Quit her job as the head of the Red Cross. She has been very busy. See this is what happens when you give her husband all that Viagra. 1-7-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fantasy Island is the lowest rated TV show on of the big three networks. The last episode was interesting. This person had an impossible fantasy. It was to have a TV show on the air that people watch. That person was the executive producer of Fantasy Island. Even Mr. Rork could not deliver. 1-7-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- My friend told me about this Y2K problem. He said that I needed to start saving food for survival incase you can not buy food on January 1, 2000. OK, so I am putting food away that will last for a long time. I have a holiday fruit cake and some cans of Spam. The good thing is if this Y2K problem does not happen this food should be OK to save for the next time there is a computer problem. Y3K. 1-7-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Christina Applegate had an interesting New Years Resolution. She wants to start a family. I'm ready. Maybe I can get one of those Dennis Rodman/Carmen Electra type of deals. Christina can I get your autograph. Just sign here on this application for a marriage license. Not there. Over hear on this straight line so it's neat. 1-3-99 Note: This is not the complete piece, the full piece was used in my act. Also of the three resolutions talked about this is the only one that is true. ----------------------------------------------------------------- I think Randy Weaver misunderstood the question do you have a New Years resolution. He said, "New Years Revolution. Let me get my gun, I'm ready." 1-3-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Many people make New Years resolutions. I did notice one strange one. It was from Al Gore. His resolution is to give Bill Clinton a presidential pardon. 1-3-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In California for 1999 you now have to wait 40 days to buy a gun. Quick question for the politicians that passed this one? How many days does a person have to wait if they steal one? I guess they steal it and store it at a third party's house for 40 days first. 1-3-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- 1999 brings new laws to California. You can now sprinkle cremation ashes in the ocean and along hiking trails in the mountains. Alright the government is giving us loads of freedom. Now if only some of those love ones will start dying. 1-3-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Employees of Safeway stores are suing their employer for sexual harassment because they have to say hello and smile at the customers. I went their and nocked over a display. When the employee came to clean it up, "I said don't forget to smile." They were not happy. 1-3-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura had his victory party at Target Stores in the electronics department. He originally wanted to have it at Wal-Mart but their electronics department was booked, however they did have an opening in housewares. 1-3-99 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton has been listed as the most admired person in the country. The second on the list is Pope John Paul II. Let's take a look at the two and the reasoning behind this. President Clinton commits adultery and tons of sexual scandals, lies, steals, and tons more. The worst he seems to get away with it. Now the Pope. He has to follow the Ten Commandments. I see why President Clinton is number 1 their is less fun following those commandments. By the way it's even more fun to break the commandments when you use taxpayer money. 12-31-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------After the impeachment hearings President Clinton's approval rating went to 73%. Just think if he quits his approval will be 100%. 12-29-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I saw a billboard ad for Winston Cigarettes in California. They are still using this ad. It says, "Even communists are free to smoke." I want to know where are these communist living to get all this freedom. They sure are not living in California. This is how it works here, "Is that a cigarette in your hand, outside buddy." No joke, I hear in some places in the U.S. you are not allowed to smoke outdoors. even worse, I understand some places are trying to pass laws so you can't smoke in your own house or car. Too much freedom. 12-23-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Sarah Michell Gellar(Buffy) Got a Christmas tree this year. True story. Now I am thinking about this from her big male dog's veiw. The dog is thinking Yo Yeah a big tree, "I have seen one of these outside this can come in handy." It's time to lift a leg and leave a present underneath. 12-23-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- I saw President Clinton's last speech. I think he said, "Read my lips no new lies. 12-23-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Our mission against Saddam Hussein is called Operation Desert Fox. In the United States we have a similar mission in the impeachment hearings. I think the mission in congress is known as Operation D.C. Sly Fox. 12-19-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton was sitting on Mrs. Claus lap when he was asked, "Have you been a good boy this year." It depends on your definition of the word good, besides the ladies say I have been good. 12-14-98 --------------------------------------------------------------- In Pensicola Florida the new G & L Bank is waiting for Federal approval to open. The G & L Bank is believed to be the first bank for gay and lesbians. Properly not a bad bank, but I hate to think what the penalty would be for an early withdrawal. 12-14-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton saw Santa on the street corner. Santa said, "Ho! Ho! Ho!." Clinton Said, "Where! Where! Where!" He needs a new intern. 12-14-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- We're trying to get Saddam Hussein again. I don't think we are serious. If we really wanted to get him we would bring out the heavy artillery. Buffy the Hussein Slayer. 12-14-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- I went to my friends house and his pets were sniffing me. He figured they really liked me. I figured it was because I was wearing one of those lovely coats from the Burlington Coat Factory. They were smelling for their relatives. 12-14-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton is all ready for the Christmas holidays. Recently he was seen walking around the White House with his mistletoe belt buckle. 12-9-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Exxon and Mobil merged creating the worlds largest gas company. Next week there will be an even larger gas company. Taco Bell is opening a new location. 12-9-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I'm looking at some new items available in the stores for this Christmas Season and I think I found the two hottest sellers. The first is a Barbie Doll equipped with knee pads. They really make this. It is The WNBA(Woman's National Basketball Association) Barbie doll. What a relief. I heard knee pads the first thing I thought of was Intern Barbie. The other hot seller I am predicting will be Shout Wipes. This product is a clothing stain remover that is easy to carry with you and use after clothing becomes stained. They are selling well, I hear the biggest customer is the White House. 12-7-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Sharon Stone said at World AIDS day that parents should give their kids a non-judgmental quantity of condoms at least 200 or more. This coming from Sharon T. Stone. Sharon Tramp Stone. I don't care what you say, but if you give your kids 200 condoms people are going to judge. Are kids really going to need that many condoms. I got a 12 pack. To use them up I make water balloons. 12-7-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Two teenagers got locked in a freight train for 8 days. For survival the teens drank the cargo. It was a train load of Miller Beer. When asked about it the boys said if you get the time we got the beer and we got the time and they got the beer. Do you believe they were accidently locked in. Sounds like a dream. I can see it already me and Drew Carey in a trainload of beer joking around while having drinking and belching competitions 12-4-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------I have an important message for Calista Flockheart (of Alley McBeal). They have a new invention it's called food. 12-4-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- School is different today. I remember when I went to school the punishment was to write 500 times, "I will not chew gum in school." Now kids have to write, "I will not bring my gun to school." 11-25-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Alley McBeal is one of the most popular shows on T.V. It's not that the show is good, however I finally figured out why the show is so popular. It's night time and your changing the channels, "Lets see NBC no, ABC no, how about FOX Quick change it this is Alley Mc...snooze to late another T.V. tuned to that show. 11-25-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today is Christina Applegate's birthday (11-25) I will have some more stuff about her soon. ---------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton said that he did not have inappropriate relations with Monica Lewinsky. I don't care. The thing I am mad about is that he had inappropriate relations with me. He gave me a retroactive tax increase. 11-11-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I need to congratulate Jesse "The Body" Venture, WWF's First state governor. He is now the Governor of Minnesota. That must have been a fun race to watch. Entering the ring in this corner is the republican and democrat challenger. Boo! In this corner Jesse "The Body" Cheers! After he won he said, "he has no agenda." Get the feeling that he ran for the wrong office. He should have run for congress they have 535 people with no agenda. 11-11-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Good news, Boxer Mike Tyson has been deemed fit to return to boxing. There is one condition. In his next fight he must supply his own lunch. 10-15-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Radio host Art Bell quit his show on Tuesday. He blamed "a threatening, terrible event that occurred to his family" about a year ago. Don't believe it. I have been searching and found the real reason. At the end of his broadcast the aliens were waiting for him and he was abducted. 10-15-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The new redesigned $20 bill is not acceptable at the vending machines located in the post office. Remember do not take out your anger on the machines just do as I did. Tell a postal worker about the problem and they will use their gun to shot the machine.10-11-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The National Organization of Women has proclaimed September 25th as "Love Your Body Day." Some people seem to love their body every day. We have a name for them. We call them George Michael.9-18-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A legal group filed a formal complaint seeking to have President Clinton disbarred as an attorney based on evidence that he lied to cover up sexual misconduct. Disbarred for lying. I'm surprised he is not receiving an award for being like a lawyer.9-18-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Some lawmakers hope to force the Consumer Product Safety Commission to reverse its decision of two years ago exempting some children's pajamas from flammability standards. They also suggested that certain women's lingerie conform to the same flammability standards if they are to be worn in the oval office at the White House.9-18-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Researchers found a drug that would simulate exercise's natural effect on the body. How lazy do you have to be? What next? Now they will have to discover a drug that simulates the hand motion of picking the drug up and placing it in your mouth. 8-20-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Unabomber's brother received a $1 million reward for turning in his brother. When asked what he will do with the money he replied, "Buy 10 cabins in Montana."8-20-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------Have you seen this ad. "Come see the many sides of Sears." I don't think I'm going there. I've seen too many sides of a lot of things lately. Like the many sides of Clinton.8-20-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I just saw President Clinton's speech. The one where he was trying to justify lying to the American people. He said that he hurt the two people he loves most, his wife, daughter and God. Counting was not one of his strong points. I think he made a mistake on that last one. I thought his religion's leader is called Satan. 8-18-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton said that he did not tell Monica Lewinski to lie. I think he did tell her to lie right there. Actually he did not tell her to lie, he just told her to not tell the truth. 8-8-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Today is Monica Lewinski's birthday. I can already see the birthday cake with all those candles. I bet she will have no problem and will have a lot of fun blowing out the candles. 7-23-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- People are traveling to Canada from the United States to buy toilet bowls. In Canada they have the real toilets, not like the low flow ones they have here. I found out that their is a congress man trying to reverse the ban on regular toilets in this country. He's been working on this for nearly three years. I think his problem is that he is going through congress. He needs to go through the WTO or was that the WTBO. Let me see World Trade Organization, No it must be the World Toilet Bowl Organization. 6-10-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was reading an article in the newspaper from the Associated Press. It was about the new TV shows featuring young girls. The article talked about Christina Applegate (All My Life) and stated that she was the sexpot daughter of "Married With Children." Let me see is this the same news media that talks about declining morals and values of society. I wonder where people are getting these ideas from. Could it be from this sleazy yellow journalism type of reporting. 6-10-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- MTV had a contest to find a replacement for Ginger Spice, formally of the Spice Girls. The winner was a 275 pound man. Part of his prize for winning was tickets to see the Spice Girls in concert. That sounds like a prize you would award to the loser. The best prize would be that you don't have to see them in concert. 6-18-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- They are planning a remake of Charlie Angels. The three new Angels will be Ginger Spice, Tori Spelling, and Jenny Macarty. (Need to check my name spelling) But are these the best three people they could find. They sound more like Charlies Devils 6-18-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the TV Shannon Dorherty has a new TV show on the WB network called "Charmed." Who would do such a thing. I have amnesia, this Shannon person seems OK let's give her a show. 6-18-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I just had a show this week. I finished my performance early enough to go see a show in town. Not only did I get to see Megadeth, but I also saw the local police state in action. They had more gang members, I mean thugs, I mean thieves, I mean Cops at the show than all the donut shops in town. Oh I forgot to mention they also had their spy watch helicopters spying above. This reminds me about the comparison I did for the last two concerts I saw. Those two performers Metallica and Garth Brooks. I have not put out my comparison yet but it will be coming soon. 6-10-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Promise Keepers (the mens religious movement) came to town this week. The men had over 20,000 attendants. Perfect timing, this was the same week as election day. That's good at least one group keeps their promise. I noticed the week before the Chosen Woman conference came to town. The Chosen Woman are a woman's religious movement and they had over 12,000 people attending. 12,000 Chosen Woman in one place. President Clinton claims to have chosen each and everyone. 6-4-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In Washington D.C. they are having a topless lesbian march. The city claims they may need to enforce the indecency laws to stop them. If the city enforced their indecency laws against one group of people, Why not enforce them against all other groups performing indecent acts? Oh wait a minute in that case congress and the president would have to quit. 6-4-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- The most expensive set for a TV show is for Fraiser. They claim it is because of the expensive furniture and art work in the set design. Man I always thought the most expensive set for a show was Melrose Place. The furniture does not cost as much but every week they need to replace the mattresses. 6-4-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- The Government has a new standard for body fat. It's called BMI, "Body Mass Index." Just when you thought you were the correct weight the standards change. At 38 pounds Sarah Michelle Gellar/Buffy the Vampire Slayer is now considered overweight. It's even worse for the super models, not only will they need to have anorexia but they will also need to have bulimia. 6-4-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- This is the big week. Jerry Springer is unveiling a kinder gentler show. Now when the guest are fighting they will have to get permission to hit someone with a chair. 6-4-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- One of the five Spice Girls (Ginger Spice) left the group just before their American tour. They already sound 20% better. Now if the other four would leave they would sound 100% better. 6-1-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Monica Lewinsky has a new lawyer Johnny Cochran. Kenneth Starr is going make her testify. This should be an open and shut case. They will ask her to open her mouth and say, "if it doesn't fit you must acquit. 5-30-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I turned on the TV and herd, "Be All That You Can Be." At First I thought, "The Army." Oh No! It's the new slogan for Viagra. 5-30-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The campaign promises in this election are getting out of hand. They are promising to cut juvenile crime, make the schools safer and create more jobs. Right! I rather vote for a candidate with a more narrow promise. How about this for a campaign promise? I will play match maker and set Joe Simon up with Christina Applegate. That person has my vote. 5-22-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I can't take it anymore. In California we have a governors election this year. Those ads from the candidates. It's worse than being in purgatory. The only difference is that purgatory is a state of temporary suffering or misery, and the thought of one of those people being the governor will put everyone in California, in a state of permanent suffering and misery. 5-22-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- In Southern California a school district is seeking a grant from the National Rifle Association to start a high school shooting team. Arkansas schools usually rank 49th and 50th in the nation for math and English, there's finally a subject that they rank number 1 in. 5-21-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Christina Applegate's new TV show will be on this fall Thursday nights between "Friends" and "Frasier" on NBC. It's called, "All My Life." Renamed "Jesse." She plays the role of a single mother of a 10 year old. This role is going to be a stretch for her. The way she looks, I don't know if she can pass for a 10 year old. 5-21-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jerry Springer slept with a porn star and her step mother. If he keeps this up he's going to ruin his reputation. If Jerry gets any worse he will qualify to be a guest on his own show. 5-14-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- In India they detonated four nuclear bombs. I hear that people are mad. Now they want to release a bigger bomb in India. It's Christina Applegate's latest movie, "The Big Hit." 5-14-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Rush Limbaugh has dittos meaning you like the show. Now the Michael Reagan show has people calling into the show stating an 'R' word to associate with his father former President Reagan. The most common word I have heard is rawhide, associated with his acting career in Westerns. It's a good thing they don't try this with the Jerry Springer Show. I wonder what words you can associate with Jerry Springer. Stupid, retarded, ridiculous and add your favorite to the list. I get some information and news stories from Rush and Reagan. The Rush sight is about ties, but Michael Reagan is worth checking out. 5-14-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Just when you though it could not get any worse for singer George Michael, he was recently caught in a restroom rubbing Viagra on his hand. 5-14-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- It's getting tough watching TV. This week both Millennium and Buffy the Vampire Slayer have two part episodes. I have to wait a whole week to find out what happens on those shows. I hope I don't get the plots mixed up. 5-14-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was listening to one of my Lizzy Borden CD's with the song called, "Give Em the Axe." That song is their anthem song. It is important to note the vocalist name is Lizzy Borden, but no relation to the axe murderer. I was wondering what would happen if someone called their group O.J. Simpson. Do you think their anthem song would be called,"Give Em the Knife."5-14-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I want to stay ahead of the government regulators, so now I am wearing a helmet while surfing the Net. 5-14-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Now you can get an interactive CD-ROM tour of the White House. It's great but if your underage you need to get parental permission to view the oval office. 5-14-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Oh man this Viagra impotence drug has now been determined to have side affects. An added bonus. Not only do you get side effects but you get the front effects too.5-8-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I hear one of the nominees of the Nobel Peace Prize is a convicted murderer. That must be the new Rest in Peace Prize. 5-8-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I heard that Buffy the Vampire Slayer star Sarah Michelle Gellar broke up with her boyfriend. I understand it was a bad breakup. First she kicked the guy. Then she nocked him to the ground. She finished him off by putting a stake through his heart. 5-8-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------The Unabomber was sentenced to 4 life terms plus 30 years. With good behavior he should be out in 6 months. I guess after he dies they will keep his body their for 30 years. Actually one person stated that they hope he is buried very very deep so he will be closer to hell. If they want him closer to hell, I guess they will bury him in Washington D.C. 5-1-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------I read that the average person spends 7 years of their life in the restroom. One exception June Alison doesn't spend anytime in the restroom. 5-1-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- My favorite first lady is Nancy Reagan. No matter what the problem was she always had a simple solution, "Just Say No." Someone offers you drugs, "Just Say No." Someone offers you sex, "Just Say No." President Clinton tried to follow this advise. He saw Paula Jones and misunderstood the saying and than said, "Just say Blow." 5-1-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Christina Applegate says, " That she doesn't mind the nude photos of her being on the Internet, because they are so badly done you can tell that they are not of her." I have not seen them because I'm not going to waste my time. Besides if I wanted to look at explicit, vulgar or X rated material I would not look at fake Christina's or any other fake nudes I would do like any other people and check out www.WhiteHouse.Gov or www.UN.org. I would type up my joke about how you can tell that the pictures are fake, but I do not want to get her mad at me because she is one of the few people in the entertainment industry that I like. 5-1-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Christina Applegate's new movie is out. It's called, "The Big Hit." It has not been doing to good. I hear it is going to be renamed, "The Big Flop."5-1-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- CoCo the sign language speaking ape will be on line Monday April 27th. She knows over 2000 English words. That should be an interesting conversation she knows more English than a California high school graduate. 4-23-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In Fresno, Calif a couple went to a marriage councilor and their session ended in gun fire exchange. When they shoot each other, do you think that is a marriage worth saving. The one positive aspect is in the divorce settlement she is asking for custody of both his and her gun. 4-23-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton wants to ban assault weapons. Maybe he should ban something more deadly like those assault burritos from Taco Bell. 4-9-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Singer George Michael was arrested in a Beverly Hills park restroom after conducting a lewd act. That is terrible! Who wants to hear him sing one of his songs. 4-9-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------I can't believe it, the new Savatage disk, "The Wake of Magellan" is finally out. Should I buy a copy today or should I wait until tomorrow when the store is getting desperate to get rid it. See 3-12-98 about all the delays of releasing. I'm getting to wonder if this disk was being released by the same company that is releasing Windows 98. Of course the longer a delay for Windows 98 the better. If their's too many delays we will just call it Windows 99. 4-7-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- An audit of 26 Federal Agencies showed that the taxpayers are not getting as much as we are paying for. The report concluded that the agencies are mismanaged. Kind of like my comedy career. Same management and I have plenty of jokes but very few appearances. 4-1-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I'm finally getting around to doing that after New Years deletion. Perfect timing I just purchased two CD's that I have been looking for for too many years. White Wolf, "Standing Alone." a better title would be called, "Selling a Lone Copy." The other one, Lionheart, "Hot Tonight." Or referring to it's sales for tonight or any night would be Not Tonight. Well I'll listen while I delete. 4-1-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- This Wednesday the Drew Carey Show is having a contest. The person who finds the most mistakes in the show wins $25,000. Here's a better idea, instead of watching Drew watch the UPN Network during that same half hour. It's far easier to spot a mistake there. Hint anytime you see a promo for a UPN show that counts as one mistake. 3-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- This Wednesday (April 1) the Drew Carey Show is having a contest. The person who finds the most mistakes in the show wins $25,000. I usually find more mistakes when I watch 60 Minutes. 3-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Jerry Springer is doing a movie. He's working with the guy that did the movie "Dumb and Dumber." In Jerry's case it is going to be called "Stupid and Stupider." 3-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The UPN Network has not been doing to well lately. Have you heard their new slogan for 1998. We're going to try to have a show in the top 100. 3-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In New Hampshire a Democrat named Peter Leonard was elected to the state legislature. The unusual thing about this man is that he can not read. Politics will be a perfect job for him. The news showed him learning how to read. He's not the only one that needs to learn how to read. All of the other politicians need to learn how to read. Why don't they start with the Constitution. 3-18-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Country music singer Johnny Paycheck was released from the hospital after an asthma attack. While there a doctor was asked to check his prostate. The doctor asked if he could sing a duet with Johnny of his big hit, "Take this Job and Shove It." 3-18-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was watching Liberal Minutes I mean 60 Minutes on 3-15-98. They had a story about Kathleen Willey and her story about President Clinton. Man her story was presented like a soap opera. Now I understand why Susan Lucci has not been winning a daytime soap opera award. She is only acting and her acting is not as convincing as the real thing at the White House. 3-15-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Also on the 3-15-98 60 Minutes they featured a story about the Fresno State Bulldogs Basketball team and their coach Jerry Tarkanian. That basketball team has a rap sheet longer than an rap star. The next day on the radio in Fresno everyone was talking against 60 Minutes and defending the Bulldogs. While that was going on two of their players were getting arrested on felony assault charges. You would think these guys would have enough sense to wait at least 48 hours after the 60 Minutes story before assaulting anyone. With all the past problems these players had, I wonder if the coach was recruiting these players from President Clinton's Midnight Basketball program. Another historic point. I think the Fresno State Bulldogs might be the first Basketball team eligible to receive funding from D.A.R.E. 3-15-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The new Savatage CD, "The Wake of Magellan" is still not available in the United States. It's been out in Europe since September. The U.S. release date has been changed from November to January. In February the date was changed to April 7th. Why don't they just schedule it for April 1st. I can see it now. Tower Records will call me up. Hey Joe the new Savatage is out, April Fools. You can learn more about Savatage here 3-12-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Tommy Lee just beat up his wife again. That new video has to be great. Even better than watching Mike Tyson. Not only does it have sex but now boxing. If my memory is still working, I can recall him doing that to has last wife. Instead of marring a woman he needs to marry a punching bag. I can see the wedding now. Do you Tommy take this Everlast Punching bag to be ..3-7-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The music groups I listen to did not win any awards at the Grammies. I wonder if sales has anything to do with it. Let's see Fiona Apple sold 7 million copies. The Killer Dwarfs sold 7 copies. At least they got the 7 part right. 3-7-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I have been hearing about these girls receiving unsolicited sexual advances from President Clinton. Man you thought you got mad when you received an unsolicited phone call trying to get you to switch long distance phone companies. 2-27-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I have been paying too much attention to the X-Files lately. On 2-22-98 they had a vampire problem. Acting and writing problem also but that's a different story. So bad I was waiting for Buffy the Vampire Slayer to show up and help them out. The week before had a minor flaw also. It was the episode with the doll causing people to mutilate themselves. The really bad part was the location in Maine. I was not aware that anyone was still alive in Maine after Angela Landsbury investigated the murder of just about their entire population. 2-27-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- My food selection has been dull lately. I must be watching the wrong cooking shows like Julia Childs. Tonight I saw this great recipe on Millennium. I've always wondered what to with those left over human body parts. Good cooking tip. When making soup just add one hand.2-27-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Los Angeles just recently was voted as having the best tasting tap water. I understand they had an unfair advantage. The faint brown color made it look similar to a Cola. 2-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- You have to be very careful you don't confuse words that look and sound similar. Take for example anthrax and Amtrak. It's important to remember Amtrak is the deadly one.2-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton finally commented about Monica Lewinsky. He said, "even though he may have had oral sex with her once she did not exhale."2-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Donald Trump is selling his Manhattan condo. It's a great place, it even has 8 bathrooms. Do you really need that many bathrooms. I heard they already found a buyer. June Alison.2-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- THIS IS A SPECIAL REVISITED PIECE OF THE PAST. A person found 600 brains stored in jars in a subbasement below a dorm at Yale University. The collection was from Harvey Cushing. I understand that is not the only collection of brains being stored in jars in a subbasement. I heard there are 535 (435 from the house and 100 from the senate) brains stored below the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. The only difference is the collection at Yale is from the late 1800's to the 1930's. The brains at the Capitol are from the current members of Congress. 2-19-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Anthrax is finally getting the recognition they deserve. Even though I prefer Metal Church, Anthrax has some great music. I especially like their,"Spreading the Disease release." That disc has a killer track called, "Madhouse." That release also guarantees to have no hits. The thing that fascinates me is that Saddam Hussein also takes an interest in Anthrax. I did not even know that he likes heavy metal music. 2-19-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Our airport now has a dog sniffing people's luggage who travel from Mexico to the United States. The dogs are looking for people bringing in fruit. I can see it already. Is that an Apple? Get the FBI. Give them the death penalty. Let's see what this person has marijuana, cocaine and heroine. Don't worry bring all you want.2-19-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Oh no the Promise Keepers are going broke. They are an evangelical Christian men's movement. Sounds to me that they have not been praying hard enough to their boss. That is really bad when God sends out pink slips.2-19-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Madonna has a new album. The music reviewers claimed it was her best work ever. How hard is that to be? Just release a CD with nothing on it and that would be her best release.2-14-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Man I'm having a lot of trouble typing in all these new jokes, I'm even thinking of getting one of those Whitehouse interns.2-14-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- This Valentine's Day was special for President Clinton and Hilary. I heard rumors. I heard they were even in the same house that day. 2-14-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- There is a new X-Files Ken and Barbie Doll. You can tell they are authentic. After Barbie's Malibu Dream House is swept out to sea because of El-Nino it is replaced by Barbie's Dream UFO.2-12-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today I held a sea shell to my ear and I heard the ocean. Then I held a condom to my ear and I heard President Clinton deny that he knew what one was.2-12-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- This El-Nino is really bad. Today I held a sea shell to my ear to hear the ocean and I got all wet.2-12-98 ---------------------------------------------------------------- I am recovering from the Jewel incident (2-3-98). I was right I needed Iron Maiden's, "X factor" among other real music. The recovery took about a week.2-10-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Things have not been looking to good for Vice President Al Gore. Nobody wants to associate with him. Today at an environmental rally when his name was mentioned even the owls said Who! Who! 2-4-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The phone sex 900 #'s are not doing well lately. It's not that people have lost interest. It's just cheaper to turn on the news and listen to the stories about President Clinton. The TV rating for the news has been more harsh than the rating for The Jerry Springer Show.2-4-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I made a big mistake. I was in a TV studio and someone left their Jewel CD there. So I put it in the player and listened to it for about 30 minutes. That's all I could take. I kept waiting for it to get better but it never did. Once I left the studio I needed some recovery. I really needed something to counter that noise like Iron Maiden's The X Factor. Unfortunately I did not have my copy with me. Luckily I had my Flotsam and Jetsam disc with me. After Jewel recovery will be a long slow process.2-3-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- First I heard about the Pamela Lee video with Tommy Lee now I hear about another video with her old boyfriend Brett Micheals. Wait a minute am I the only one not involved in a sex video with Pamala Lee. Now I am hearing that this Monica Lewinsky has been getting around a great deal. Wait a minute I haven't been involved with her either. What's wrong with me. Am I the only one not involved in a sex scandal.2-3-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Tonight on the UPN network they are having a special, "The Spice Girls 2 Much is Never Enough II." It's bad enough they had a part I. A better title would have been, "The Spice Girls Any Amount is Too Much."2-3-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Russian President Boris Yeltsin decided that he is not planning to run for re-election in the year 2000. I can see why. Russia has a great retirement plan. For life all the Vodka you can drink.1-31-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The company that makes Twinkies snack cakes had to recall some because a batch may contain asbestos. I knew this would happen. They recall them as soon as they make a batch with some nutritional value. 1-29-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Things are not going good for the president. Just today Bob Barker from "the Price is Right" reminded the viewers to have their pets spade or neutered. Then he said, " Same for the president."1-29-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------President Clinton has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Let me see, is that peace as in no war or piece as in piece of her. I don't see how he can win. OK their may be peace in the world, but their is no peace between him and Newt Gingrich. 1-29-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------If you need to buy a new mattress you might want to wait a few weeks. They are going to have one huge sale on Presidents Day.1-29-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------Good thing we did not elect Bob Dole as president. Instead of hearing about the sex scandals of Clinton, the big news story would be that President Dole changed brands of laxatives.1-29-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------I finally figured out why president Clinton got a dog. He needed the dog house to stay in after Hillary found out about his affairs. 1-29-98 -----------------------------------------------------------------I should not be making fun of President Clinton. He is a good president and has a lot of work to do. We should let him get back to work in the oral office.1-29-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton said, "In the Bible oral sex is not considered adultery." I could not find that in my Bible. Maybe he is getting everyone elses' Bible confused with his bible otherwise known as Penthouse Letter's.1-29-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- If you look on a persons resume and it says that they served as an intern under President Clinton you might want to wonder and ask if it was really under or did they mean they served at the White House.1-29-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I saw President Clinton at the State of the Union Address. He did not give the State of the Union from his first choice of locations. Hooters Restaurant.1-27-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Did you see the American Music Awards. President Clinton received an award for his rendition of Fleetwood Macs "Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies."1-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I did not watch too much of the American Music awards because they started off wrong with Janet Jackson. No music but lots of noise.1-26-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Tonight Buffy the Vampire Slayer moves to it's new night Tuesday on the WB network. The UPN Network must think vampires is a way to get viewers because it worked on another network. Their special is called Real Vampires Exposed. Are they really exposed? Think about it. Exposure means people have seen it. It's on UPN. Their viewer ship is no more than five people.1-20-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- John Glenn is going back into space. Things are now different. In the past he had to mix up his Orange Tang. Now he has to mix up his Orange Metamucil Laxative 1-20-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- This Paula Jones is causing the president many problems. Some reports said she might bring down the president. Isn't that what he wanted in the first place. Different kind of down. I can already see the movie. From the people whom brought you Buffy the Vampire Slayer comes "Paula the President Slayer."1-20-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- My favorite TV show is going off the air. Seinfeld. I heard a huge number of people will miss this show. I don't think I will miss it as much as some people. All I have to do is visit with the family, than I feel as if I'm in my own personal episode of Seinfeld 1-10-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The price of TV Shows are going up. NBC is paying $13million dollars an episode for ER and Fox is paying $4.2Billion for their Sunday coverage of NFL football. Bad news for UPN. They are having financial problems and only gave their writing staff a small raise to $1.2 dollars for all of their shows. One of the problems they are having is with their black shows. I hope not those are the only shows I watch on their channel. I heard the writers of the black shows got a smaller than expected raise. Now they get 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor instead of 32 ounce bottles. I can't see why UPN is having financial problems anyway they have so many people watching their shows. I heard as many people watch UPN as walked on the planet Saturn.1-10-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I saw President Clinton's butt on the news while he was on vacation and when he was with his dog. You know it was bad enough to see Dennis Franz butt on NYPD Blue. President Clinton must think he is in a TV show called Washington D.C. Blue.1-8-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The governor of California, Pete Wilson signed into law that high school students are not allowed to get body piercing. I guess he figures if they want holes in their body they need to get them the old fashioned way by being stabbed.1-8-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Artist formally Known as Prince disappointed some fans by not showing up to a post concert party. I would be more disappointed if he showed up at the concert to perform.1-8-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- One of my favorite politicians died recently. Sonny Bono. I did my share of jokes about him. I never said anything mean about him, like the American news media or some other comedians. I will miss him. I just wish there was a way to bring him back so I don't have to hear his old Sonny and Cher music in the news reports about his unfortunate death.1-8-98 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I heard that Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer is going to places she has not been before. They Are saying this because her show is moving from Monday night to Tuesday night. When I heard that she was going to a place that she has not been before, I thought she was going to acting school 12-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In Montana they are starting offshore banking. I thought the education was bad in Arkansas and Mississippi. How bad is the education in Montana if they think they are offshore. the nearest ocean is 1500 miles from their.12-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I heard their is a big problem with counterfeit Canadian currency showing up in America. You know it is difficult for Americans to detect fake Canadian money because Americans know very little about Canada. I saw one of those Canadian bills and it had the pictures of the guys from the group Triumph. This almost fooled me. I figured usually money has the pictures of the countries politicians on it. The last time I check Triumph was not the King of Canada. I thought the king was Brian Adams.12-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Their is a contest where a person can write an soap opera for either The Guiding Light or As the World Turns. That should be easy. All you have to do is get a script from Melrose Place and change a few names. It's a good thing other shows don't do this. If you spend 5 minutes you can write 5 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, however if you don't write anything at all you can have an entire season of Clueless.12-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I heard that General Motors is discontinuing the Geo line of cars. Many people are mad about this especially the car mechanics.12-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I saw an interview with Sarah Michelle Gellar from the show Buffy The Vampire Slayer. She was talking about going out in public in her underwear by mistake. It was after taping the last episode of her first season. In her defense she just thought she had an audition for Melrose Place.12-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Just in time for the holidays Buffy's star "Sarah Michelle Gellar" that I talk so highly about has a new movie out. It's called Scream 2. Sounds like a bright cheery movie for to holidays. And if you are in the United States we know the movie by a different name,"O. J. Simpson the Home Game."12-20-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Good news! The United States had the lowest inflation rate in 25 years. To arrive at this they factored out the cost of energy and food. No big deal. Here in America very few people use any energy and we only eat once a year if that often.12-16-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A new poll places Secretary of State Madeleine Albright as the number one role model for females. Anyone know who the number one role model is for men. It's Janet Reno.12-16-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Just when you thought it was safe to go to the movies, along comes Home Alone 3. We need help. Can't we apply this "Three Strikes and Your Out, Law" to movies.12-16-97 -----------------------------------------------------------------This commercialization of El Nino is getting out of hand. I just saw the latest ad with June Alison. She says with El Nino coming you might experience a sudden downpour, aren't you glad you are wearing Super Absorbent Depends.12-16-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton Just got a dog. The dog is still without a name. I know a lot of people have suggested names for the dog. I feel sorry for their cat named Socks. Socks no longer gets all of the attention. Maybe they can call his dog Shoes.12-10-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the record store because my friend wanted to get the Princess Diana Tribute by Elton John's "Candle in the Wind." After being unable to find it I asked a worker," He said they keep it right next to the cash register." How nice, I guess if you don't want a copy they properly scan it anyway so you have to take it. How come they don't keep the music I want next to the cash register. I asked, " Do you have the new Fates Warning disc titled A Pleasant Shade of Gray." The clerk said, "We keep those in the close out bin." It gets worse. Now the stores will stay open after midnight to sell copies of the double disc Tribute to Princess Diana on it's release night. In January I am wondering if they are going to stay open after midnight for the new Savatage disk, "The Wake Of Magellan" or are they going to tell me to put the 99 cents under the door to save them the trouble of having to put the one copy into the close out bin. While typing About music, I need to also listen to some. My selection of the day is a different double disc. Saxon," Wheels of Steel/Strong Arm of the Law."12-2-97(update) It's bad just a week after typing this joke I finally found a used copy of Accept's Pedator release. I had to wait for a used copy because the stores around hear were only alotted a single copy each so I missed out on that one copy that was released in July. Inside was a postcard from Mayhem records asking for some information. One of the questions was, "are there any metal radio stations in your area." Not in this country. Our heavy metal arrives in this country about two years after it is released by route of Siberia. -- -------------------------------------------------------------- Last week former President Bush opened his presidential library. This week President Clinton is opening his library. It's located in an adult book store.11-13-97 -----------------------------------------------------------------Our old friend Jack Kervorkian has a new job. He now does entertainment reviews. In his latest review he gave an A+ to the latest release from Marilyn Manson.11-13-97 -----------------------------------------------------------------President Clinton is not having much luck getting this fast track trade agreement. Almost looks as if he has a better chance at getting a fast track impeachment.11-13-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The TV Show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" has a contest with the 1-800-collect telephone service. Great Commercial. Buffy is standing next to a pay phone and says, "Sometimes 1-800-collect can be a life saver." Let's see you're next to a phone how about calling 911. How does this work. I want to make a collect call to the police. The contest is called, "Let Em Eat Stake." All you have to do is watch Buffy, and know your slayer trivia. I was watching Jeopardy. I did not see Alex Trebek say they have a Buffy category. What kind of trivia question can their be. What happened in Buffy last week. Buffy slays the vampire. You win. I am surprised that people who watch this show know anything to begin with in the first place. The top prize is a chance to be slain in an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer show. Just think if I make enough jokes about Buffy, I won't need to enter the contest. I may still get a chance to be slain personally by Buffy.10-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A recent survey ranked David Bowie as the wealthiest British rock star. Paul McCartney comes next. At the bottom of the list are the members of Judas Priest. After releasing Jugulator, some of the members were seen on a street corner with a sign that says, "Will play music for food." 10-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In Mannheim Germany they opened an exhibit of real human bodies and organs. The gift shop would be fun. Hey man I got you a liver. One thing that might not be to profitable would be the lunchroom. 10-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A story out of Houston stated that for the first time in history an American voted while in orbit on the Russian space station Mir. His voice tracks from outer space said, "Houston we have a problem, I need to vote for one of these two."10-29-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Al Gore ran his first marathon yesterday. With those special prosecutors asking information about the fund raising from China officials, I would be running too. 10-27-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Anybody see the UPN show called, "Good News." Well I'm sorry to report such bad news about the show. It's still on.10-23-97 -----------------------------------------------------------------One of the spice girls was ill so the group canceled an appearance in Sweden. Why cancel a show. An illness might help improve their performance.10-23-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton proposes a 20-year plan to cut global greenhouse emissions. His plan! Anyone in congress that opposes him is not allowed to release any hot air from their mouths.10-23-97 -----------------------------------------------------------------Rapper Warren G. filed a lawsuit against Garth Brooks over the use of a lower case g that he alleges is similar to the one he uses. His attorney claimed, "it dilutes the value of the trademark." Like rap music doesn't devalue things.10-23-97 -----------------------------------------------------------------The Hubble Space Telescope captures head-on galactic collision. Nothing to worry about. It's just David Duchovny confronting Chris Carter about the X-Files show taping location.10-23-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was reading that one of the most popular toys this Christmas season is the Sabrina The Teenage Witch Doll. Less popular is the Buffy The Vampire Slayer Doll. Not because people don't want to buy them, the stores are having problems displaying them. Every time they put one next to a Ken Doll, Ken gets a stake through it's heart.10-23-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In Singapore Janet Jackson's latest album has been banned because she sings about homosexuality. In the United States we don't go that far. We just banned it because it stinks.10-12-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- One city in Ohio requires people to get a permit from the government if you want to go Trick or Treating on Halloween. I found a loophole. Dress-up as Al Gore and claim to be collecting candy as a fund raiser for the Democratic National Committee. 10-12-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The New York City Council passed a strict noise ordinance. $1-2 thousand fines for loud stereos and barking dogs. The first fines should be issued to the council for speaking.10-12-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In North Carolina a drivers ed. teacher told a student to chase after a person that cut they off while driving. After catching the person the instructor beat him up in front of his students. He was fired for teaching his students road rage. Good thing they were not in Los Angeles. The students would have learned to roll down their window before shooting their Colt 45. 10-10-97 ---------------------------------------------------------------- It looks as if El Nino is losing some of it's strength. Actually El Nino was never as big of a threat as a different disturbance caused by eating too much burritos. That one is called El Beano.10-2-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- While in-flight on Continental Airlines a woman died in the restroom of a drug over dose. Officials at Continental Airlines treated the matter with great professionalism. Not only did the person receive frequent flyer miles she received bonus frequent dyer miles.10-2-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Mir space station had over 1500 breakdowns in the last 11 years. That's one breakdown every 2 1/2 days. Good equipment. Hey wait a minute, that's the same breakdown rate for the Ford Pinto.10-2-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Proof was recently found that aliens did land in Rosewell. As a young boy, then Bill Clinton took a donation from the aliens and gave their home most favorite planet status. 10-2-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- O.J. Simpson's Mother got to keep a grand piano seized from her son's home that she says belongs to her. Actually O.J. Simpson alleges that anything else in his possession belongs to another Simpson, that being Bart Simpson. 10-1-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Most stores in California have removed the National Enquirer from their store shelves because of the sex related stories about Princess Diana contained within. The stores will sell you a copy if you go to the managers office. Sounds like fun. You need to see my I.D. card, Social Security Card, Finger Prints, Toe prints and fill out a 20 page questionnaire about why I want a copy.8-18-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A raspberry flavored lollipop loaded with a narcotic painkiller for cancer patients was recommended for federal approval yesterday. Wouldn't that be great if it is approved before Halloween. Trick or treat, Hey do you have any more of those lollipops.9-18-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Janet Reno got out of jury duty. She had a good excuse. She had a conflicting date with Jim Beam and Jack Daniels. Also who would not excuse a person that shows up with army tanks.9-17-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In Florida the government banned the diet plan called Fen-Phen. I found the English translation of Fen-Phen. It stands for Die-Die. I think their new slogan is, "Try the Die Plan Fen-Phen, It really removes the weight when you relax in this underground box." 9-16-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Newt Gingrich wants to cut capital gains taxes in 1998. Don't count on it. He already broke his promise about cutting his own weight gain.8-29-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton is on vacation at Martha's Vineyard. While on vacation the president is spending time with Senator Ted Kennedy on his boat. Do you think that is a good idea. That's what I call a risk taker. Maybe not. Between Bill and Ted there should be enough hot air to keep anything afloat. 8-21-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- They're back! Terror in the streets. Look out for UPS trucks. The strike is over. Finally, someone to cut me off while I'm driving. What style!8-21-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the person that bit into a McDonald's burger only to bite into what looked like a pickle turned out to be a condom. I think it was the fault of the customer because they ordered incorrectly. When I order my burger, I usually tell them to hold the mayonnaise and hold the condom.8-21-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was reading that one of the most popular mid season replacement shows is "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" on the WB Network. If that is one of the most popular mid season replacement shows, I can just imagine how bad the other shows are. Buffy is 20 year old Sarah Michelle Gellar. I wonder if that has anything to do with it's popularity. Actually, I was checking out the demographics. It is number one among horny guys of all age groups. 8-21-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know why the UPS drivers are on strike. They seem to get a good salary, benefits and retirement plan. Maybe they should be on strike to get better looking uniforms, this way they will not make Mr. Blackwell's worst dressed list every year.8-16-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- This UPS strike is getting longer. For the people that miss the UPS trucks on the road me and my friend can help out. We borrowed a brown van and attached a cardboard sign that said UPS. Then we double parked to block traffic just like old times.8-16-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the ground beef recall. The meet came from the Hudson Meet Co. and may contain the E. Coli bacteria. The meet was shipped to some large chains including Burger King. I knew something did not sound right the last time I ate at Burger King. I ordered my Whopper and they asked me if I would like cheese or E. Coli with my burger.8-15-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton made history by being the first president to use the line item veto. He vetoed a 10 cent price increase of a Big Mac at McDonalds.8-12-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about this 35 year old school teacher that had sex and got pregnant with one of her 13 year old students. I think the parents should have known something was wrong when their kid liked going to school. I can just image the parents asking their son what he learned in school. His answer was, "how the reproductive system works and guess what I got an A."8-8-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A Fed Ex Plane crashed at Newark, NJ Airport. The plane burst into flames. I'm thinking of the people that had packages and letters on that plane. Some good may have came out of this. President Clinton Just made Fed Ex the official carrier of Whitewater documents. They also have a new slogan,"When it absolutely has to positively get disintegrated over night." The U.S. Postal Service is also trying to capitalize on the Fed Ex accident. Their new claim is,"We may mutilate and lose your package, it may even arrive six months late, but you might even be able to identify it." Separately UPS (United Parcel Service) might be going on strike tomorrow. Oh! I hope not. I am going to miss their trucks on the road. OK I can find someone else to role through a stop sign and cut me off, but who am I going to find that will be driving in front of me that will just stop and double park in the middle of traffic to make a delivery.7-31-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was looking into my finances and discovered that I could not afford to buy fireworks to celebrate the 4th of July. I found a cheaper alternative. I will be eating at Taco Bell.7/3/97. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Boxer Mike Tyson Apologized to Boxer Hollyfield for biting his ear During a boxing match. He seemed sincere and claimed it was not entirely his fault. He claimed although they may have been delicious that small shake for breakfast and lunch was just not enough.7/1/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I heard that the Promise Keepers are going to have a march at the Whitehouse. Interesting the Promise Keepers meet the Promise Breakers.7/1/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- If you happen to be in California this weekend you might want to go to the Central Valley for the Promise Keepers convention. For those who are not familiar with the Promise keepers that is a Christian group of men that have turned their life around. By the way this is a live event and you do not want to get it confused with a similarly named televised event called the Promise Breakers. Their on C-Span.6/26/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton endorsed tougher air quality rules. These new rules are to cut air pollution. I'm not sure these new standards go far enough. If they were really serious, they would adopt new rules that limit the amount of pollution exiting politicians mouths when they speak.6/26/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Whitewater prosecutor Kenneth Starr has been looking into Clinton's personal life. He interviewed various women who were involved with Clinton just in case he told them about Whitewater. Is this likely? I know it is possible to yell out the wrong persons name when having an affair, but how embarrassing is it to yell out the words "Oh Whitewater."6/26/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Russia's Mir space station was hit by an unmanned cargo ship. How does this happen? Nothing else around! Who was guiding that thing. Rodney King. 6/26/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The makers of Combat Roach Bait had a contest to find the house with the most roaches in it. Of course they did not say what kind of roaches they were looking for. The winners were Cheech and Chong.6/22/97 -----------------------------------------------------------------Jurors on the Timothy Mcviegh case are showing no mercy. They are considering very cruel and unusual punishment. No, not the death penalty. Even worse. They want him to sit in the front row for the rest of the year at every John Tesh concert.6/22/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Eighteen year old Heather Denman has glued over 7000 empty Pepsi cans to her bedroom walls in her Wisconsin home. I heard rumors that her dentist has glued to his office walls 7000 x-ray pictures of her cavities.6/1/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A woman bought a box of Wheaties and it was filled with psychedelic mushrooms. I think it was partially her fault. She should have known. The box had printed on it, "The Breakfast Of Champions." It also had a picture of Darrel Strawberry.6/1/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Senator Strom Thurmond said that he won't seek re-election in the year 2002. Oh no he can't quit. We need him. Who else could understand the Constitution better than someone who was there when it was written.5/22/97 -----------------------------------------------------------------A recent study links sleep disorders with traffic accidents. Did they really need to conduct this study? Think about it, if you are half asleep most likely your going to get into an accident. A better study would be showing that people with sleep disorders drive better while they are eating and putting on make-up.5/22/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Air Force Lt. Kelly Flinn did not receive her honorable discharge as she was asking for. Now she is likely to meet with President Clinton to see if she could get a special honorable discharge from him.5/22/97 -----------------------------------------------------------------Soap opera star Susan Lucci was nominated for the 17th time for a daytime Emmy and lost again. It turns out that she my be the real winner after all. Recently she was seen talking to executives at NBC. It seems that she may be selling her life story for a mini series called The Losing Game.5/22/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- In Los Angeles a 63 year old woman gave birth to a beautiful baby. This is convenient. The baby has baby formula, the mother has Ensure. The baby has Pampers, the mother has Depends.5/8/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Two restaurants in Los Angeles, California set a worlds record by making the worlds largest burrito weighing 4400 pounds(2 metric tons). That's not the only record they broke. They also had a sign requiring the furthest distance away that a person would need to be after eating some if they wanted to smoke.5/8/97 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Colon Powell wants people to volunteer. It's better he wants the government to mandate volunteering. Is that like the tax system. You have to volunteer or be put in jail.4-20-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A senator would not let a blind person on to the senate floor with her seeing eye dog, because they have a rule that no dogs are allowed on the senate floor. Really, I want to know how come Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstien are allowed in.4/17/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Super model Tyra Banks said she wants to date ordinary men. Yes, I'm available. Oh wait! I don't know if I can be rude, vulgar and disgusting. I guess, I don't qualify as an ordinary man.4/15/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A judge ruled that a stripper can deduct the cost of breast implants as a business expense on their income tax forms. Since that ruling the cast of Baywatch no longer has to file tax returns.4/15/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I heard the most ridiculous thing on the news. They claim that if you factor out the cost of food and fuel, the inflation rate has not gone up much in the past year. You know, if you take this a little further and factor out the price of everything that went up the inflation rate would look even better.4-15-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- The government claims that the economy is doing very well. I guess it depends on what type of business you are involved in. Take for example if you are selling drugs. Than the economy is very well.4/14/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Congress is still talking about the Communication Decency Act. They are questioning if it violates free speech. Interesting when it benefits them like not passing campaign reform that violates free speech. When it doesn't affect them anything goes. How about stopping congress from coming up with this garbage. We can have a bill called Congress Indecency Act.4/14/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bob Dole agreed to join a Washington law firm. Good career move. Think about it. He was a senator. He already has experience lying.4/13/97 -----------------------------------------------------------------Country music singer Alan Jackson needed driving lessons in a "Big Foot" truck for his video, "Who's Cheatin' Who." You thought you were frightened when you saw a student driver sign on a Geo Metro. How many miles do you have to stay away from the street when someone is learning to drive one of these things?4/13/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I have been watching the news coverage on TV about Heaven's Gate. I noticed they have not yet called in their expert investigators Fox Mullder and Dana Scully.4/3/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Did you know the members of the group Heaven's Gate had an insurance policy against being abducted by aliens. The company that issued the policy claimed to have issued over 4000 policies for this. Do you get the feeling that the insurance company and the members of Heaven's Gate watched just one too many episodes of the X-Files.4/3/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was thinking about former congressman Bob Dornan. As you may recall he lost his re-election due to voter irregularities. I don't think that was it. I also don't think he lost because of the issues or because he is a republican. I think I know why he lost. It's because he did his salute to the flag improperly. He said, "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America." Do you see the problem yet. Well let me tell you. His opponent and 75% of congress salute the flag a different way. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of China.4/3/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Seems that Ted Turner is in trouble after his comments about the members of Heaven's Gate. He seemed pretty happy that the 39 members have committed suicide. He commented that it was good because the world is over populated. Maybe he has a point. Why doesn't he and his wife Jane Fonda set an example and do the same thing.4/2/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I usually do not comment about religion. Lately I have been having a bad time choosing a religion. First I was thinking about joining this religious group in Waco Texas. That did not seem to work out even though they were very religious. This group even had a burning bush just like the one in the Bible. Than I was going to check out this group in Montana called The Freeman. For some reason that did not work either. I thought I found it. At Last Heaven's Gate. Oh Well! I give up in trying to find a religious group. Maybe just one more. I heard about this group called the Republic of Texas.4-1-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Now congress gets an Easter break. I have an idea. They seem to do so well by having an Easter Break here's a proposal. Why not after they get elected, as a reward they can have a break as long as their remaining term.3-27-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Melissa Joan Hart who plays Sabrina in the show Sabrina, The Teenage Witch will be 21 years old on April, 18 1997. How does this work. You point your finger and your still a teenager while in your twenties. When some older people find this out they will be pointing a different finger at her. Some people may go one step further and call her Sabrina, the teenage something that rhymes with witch.3-27-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe some bad news. I have been trying to tune in, As he calls anyone that agrees with him,"my brother" Ken Hamblin on the radio. I think my local station stopped airing his show. Kind of like my comedy, I don't get any shows either. Maybe he is my brother. I heard that he is on real audio. I have not checked it out yet. I had a thought. I wonder if Taco Bell is on Real Audio. I can just image the sound effects. That's what I call a sound blaster. After you eat it sure makes me happy they have not invented real smell.3-26-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was watching Access Hollywood. I don't believe it is true access to behind the scenes as they claim. Not once in a half hour did I see any celebrity using heroine.3-21-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- If you are not a fan of Windows 95, you might want to try their newer version called, "Windows NT." I'm not sure what the NT stands for. I noticed that all of my friends had some trouble with windows 95 it might be safe to assume that the NT stands for Next Trash.2-21-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- At a McDonalds Restaurant in Connecticut an employee was arrested for selling marijuana in Happy Meals from the drive-thru window. The police were suspicious when the toy surprise was a bong. Another tip-off should have been that people were ordering a Happy Happy Meal. One more tip-off, I know McDonalds Happy Meal collectors will pay a good price for old boxes and toys, but usually would have to wait a few years for the value to rise. Some investment, the moment you drive away your Happy Meal has a street value of $10,000. I also figured out why you can't understand the speakers. At first I thought they were speaking Ebonics. It must be a secret code so that know one will figure out what the order is when the employee reads it back. OK! You ordered the Mac Dubbie with a side order of Zig Zags.2-20-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I usually refer to AOL as America Off Line, America No Line or A__holes On Line, but you would have to use your imagination to fill in the __ with an "ss", because I have a pledge to keep my material clean. It seems that AOL is having more problems. They set up an 800 number for people that were having trouble getting on line. When you called the 800 number you are given a choice. You can get a refund for two months service or receive a months service free. If you could not get on line why would you want another month of not being able to get on line. It gets better. Not only did you get a busy signal when you tried to get on line, you also got a busy signal for the 800 number. Sounds contagious. AOL deserves a new name America In Line.1-30-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- President Clinton teamed up with former President Bush to encourage people to perform public service. I can see former President Carter encouraging people because of all the public service he is involved with, but what public service have these two done? The only thing I can see that these two have done is public disservice. Maybe President Clinton considers showing young women alternative uses for Astro Turf in the back of his El Cammino as a form of public service. 1-26-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- If you donate enough money to President Clinton you can spend the night at the Lincoln Bedroom in the Whitehouse. With all the people staying thier, why don't they put a Motel 6 sign in front of the Whitehouse? Oops! that name is already taken. Oh well they could call it the Motel 666. 1-23-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- My friend was telling me if I needed to send anything on the Internet that I did not want everyone to see I should use PGP (Pretty Good Privacy) for encryption. He said if I did not care if the people saw what I was sending than I should try the government approved encryption PBP (Pretty Bad Privacy).1/23/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Jim McDermott case involving the taping of a telephone call with Gingrich which is illeagal. For his involvement Jim McDermott quit as ethics committee leader. Good thing Mcdermott was in that position. Just think how many illegal things he would have done if he wasn't the ethics leader. ----------------------------------------------------------------- With all those scandals involving the democrats I'm not sure how things are going for the president. I just hope this does not interfere with that bridge that President Clinton is building to the future. With just a few more scandals that bridge may start looking like the bridge in that kids song. London Bridge is Falling Down.1-17-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Congressman Bob Dornan who lost in November by 900 votes has found over 2000 illegally casted votes. Now he needs to get proper authorities to listen to him. If he is unsuccessful with this evidence he might try going about it a different way. He could allege that the votes were miscounted by Kelly Bundy. 1/17/97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I saw the X-Files on Jan 12, 1997. It was set in Fresno California. I used to live in Fresno. Someone must have known. They sent me a copy of the Communist Bee I mean the Fresno Bee, Fresno's local newspaper. The article was in section B page 1 on Jan. 14, 1997. The writer of the article found a bunch of people that did not seem to be very impressed with that episode of the X-Files. I can see why the Fresno Bee had an article like this. They obviously do not like the competition from a sci-fi show. If people start believing that stuff they might not believe the sci-fi that the Fresno Bee tries to pass off as news. None of that episode was filmed in Fresno. I should have known. Leave it to a sci-fi show to make Fresno look better than it is. The city looked cleaner, the downtown store was bigger and better than any downtown stores, the FSU lab better looking and better equipted, and the farm labor houses were better. The writer of the news story did not seem happy with the shows use of people portraying illegal aliens. Hey leave the people at the show alone. God only knows how hard it was to cast those roles with Prop 209 in California. No affirmative action means no preferential treatment for minorities wanting to play the role of an illegal. The article stated that Fresno State University does not have a mycology lab. I went to Fresno State and I was not even sure if they had any education. That school's enforces was on sports. The FSU Bulldogs. I thought Bull something else. The show was about chupacabra which is goatsucker in Spanish. There is a similar word in English called government which is blood sucker. The article seemed to be concerned with making Fresno look bad. The person sent me the entire page. I could not help but notice the article next to the X-Files story was about two Fresno State Basketball players having a preliminary hearing on felony battery charges for causing serious bodily injury to a person at a party. Who needs a show to make Fresno look bad when their own sport team does it single handed.1-17-97 ----------------------------------------------------------------- I almost forgot on Christmas day Pamala Anderson Lee renewed her wedding vows to husband Tommy Lee. For those guys that thought they had a chance with her don't worry in a few months she will probably be renewing her divorce vows. -------------------------------------------------------------- In the United States we have a new rating system for TV shows. President Clinton said that he is happy with the new system and that it is better than what we had before which was nothing. Interesting, kind of like the White House. We have a president but there seems to be nothing there. Now let's take a quick look at their rating system with show examples: Y = Children of all ages Ex. Barney Y-7 = Children 7 and older Ex. Batman Cartoons TV-G = For all audience contains little or no violence, sex or language Ex. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman TV-PG = Infrequent violence, sex or language Ex. Seinfeld TV-14 = For over 14 Ex. X-Files TV-M = Mature theme over 17 Ex. Howard Stern Might I suggest an easer system of rating: For programs on ABC; We still have the Tool Man"Home Improvement" and depending on the time of the year Monday Night Football. Nobody watches anything else on ABC, but we are hoping that Sabrina the Teenage Witch can point her finger and make some good shows appear for a change. For programs on NBC; It's Must See TV no matter how bad it is. CBS, UPN and The WB are exempt from ratings because nobody watches them. All programs on PBS are rated T for Thief for taking and wasting taxpayer money. Fox is rated B for Bad. Sports Programming is rated DM for Divorce Maker. Talk show like Ricky Lake are rated BDA for Brain Dead Audience. Soap Operas are rated GAL for Get A Life. Documentaries are rated BO for Boring. News And New Magazine Shows are rated L for Lie. Other points of interest: They claim only sports and news will be exempt. These are the most violent shows on TV. Football the same sex people pile on top of one another, kind of like watching Ellen. Boxing obviously and hockey, same as boxing. As for news, they show you dead bodies. Oh would you like to see the headless ones. I noticed those are the only shows that are exempt, so C-Span and the Presidential speeches would need to be rated. My suggestion would be TV-M because of the stuff Congress comes up with is pretty obscene. As for the presidential speeches I'm not sure how to rate them because L has been taken maybe we would leave it blank because that's how much he usually says and does. A rating announcement appears at the beginning of each show for 15 seconds. Usually in 15 seconds you can tell a shows content. Example in Millennium you usually have 15 deaths while in Clueless you lose 15 IQ points. In their system Barney is rated Y. My best guess is Y means why is this trash on. Actually I think Barney should be rated TV-M. Think about it. First all the grand parents have to watch this junk under duress from their grandchildren. Second the first thing that comes out of Barney's mouth is," I Love You." obviously a sexual theme. Some claim one of the problems with TV shows is that parents need more specific warnings about TV show content. The big problem with this is that some parents are so young they themselves do not qualify to watch a program rated Y-7. A few final suggestions listen to a song called Parental Guidance by Judas Priest off of their Turbo release (Actually right now I am listening an Accept CD titled Death Row). After Judas Priest watch some good Beavis and Butthead episodes while thinking my system is no dumber than theirs.12/28/96 ----------------------------------------------------------------- At Disneyland the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will be shut down for about two months while making a few changes. It seems some people complained about the pirates chasing after woman. The new version will feature a character which looks like President Clinton chasing after woman. ----------------------------------------------------------------- In a magazine interview Madonna said that she will not let her kid surf the Internet because the people that use the Internet are people that can't hold a relationship for more than five minutes. Really, I think she is confusing Internet users with herself. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Federal Government is warning people about those get rich quick infomercials. It seems there is no get rich quick schemes that work except collecting taxes. The government claims if it sounds to good to be true it probably is. They should know, look at the claims the government makes with their programs, and look how they turn out. ----------------------------------------------------------------- People ask me who do I think is going to win the election, Clinton or Dole. I'm not sure, but I know who is going to loose, The American people. ----------------------------------------------------------------- In California before the deadline to register to vote some McDonalds restaurants had voter registration forms. However the forms are slightly different, you could register as a McCrook or a McThief. -----------------------------------------------------------------Scientist found evidence of primitive life on Mars. In fact it is not as primitive as once thought. The life form on Mars is still more intelligent than the people we elect to public office. ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was saving these Pepsi points for their promotion, "Drink Pepsi Get Stuff." After drinking all of that Pepsi and looking through their catalog, I discovered they did not have what I really could use "a beer." Now that would be a good promotion,"Drink Pepsi Get Beer." ----------------------------------------------------------------- I can't figure this out. President Clinton raises taxes and his approval rating goes up. Now he wants to raise taxes again if re-elected and his approval rating goes up. Each time after White Watergate, Travelgate and Filegate his approval rating went up. He cheats on his wife and his approval rating goes up. He lies and his approval rating goes up. He uses drugs and lies about it and you guessed it his approval rating went up. I think by now he must have 150 percent approval rating.
----------------------------------------------------------------- I better tell you this one before it's too late and the show gets cancelled. I watched this show called Clueless. This is the type of show you could only hope would take a hint from the show'"Mission Impossible." Basically 30 second after it starts it would be nice to see the video tape self destruct. I finally figured it out. The writers came up with a script, they had no idea what it was about and than wondered what they would call it. Clueless! This show is part of ABC TV Friday night schedule known as T.G.I.F. With shows like this I am waiting for T.G.I.S.(Thank God It's Saturday) so it's over. This show has moved to the UPN network. ----------------------------------------------------------------- I still can not get into this Windows 95 stuff, however I discovered this older CD Rom called Doors 67. It hasn't helped me with my computer, but I really liked this program called, "Light My Fire."
-----------------------------------------------------------------Seagram's is starting to advertise hard liquor on TV after a 48
year liquor industry self imposed ban on TV advertising. Wait a
minute, Ted Kennedy and Boris Yelstin are full of hard liquor and
they are on TV, wouldn't that be considered an advertisement?
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Read this section once. This material is for comical purposes
only! Joe would like to thank Tom R for the use of his web
space.
My computer equipment is kind of outdated, I think it's a 2.86.
Please do not send any hate mail to tomr because this is my
material, not his. Joe Simon is an equal opportunity comedian,
he makes fun of everything with a few exceptions. My stand up
routine does not use foul language, talk about sex, race or
religion. Anything else is fair game. Joe is
also a contract writer for a popular late night TV show.
Some personal notes: Joe likes mellow quiet relaxing music. No surprise his favorite form of music is heavy metal. Joe's two favorite groups are a Canadian group named Helix and a nice mellow group named Savatage. Joe also like Honeymoon Suite, Angel City (The Angels), Icon, Ozzy Osbourne, Fates Warning, Manowar and the Killer Dwarfs among about 200 others. I watch some TV not much. I feel most of the shows are not interesting. I have an idea for a show, but I have been keeping it to my self for now. I am not a person that is interested in famous people, but I like Christina Applegate. Now back to the comedy information. Some material may be copyrighted. Some may be current material from my act. Some may be old material no longer in use. I like to make people happy through laughter. This material is out there for you to enjoy in anyway you want provided you do not sell or profit from selling the material as your own. Joe is available for comedy but has been busy pursuing other projects like recycling foam rubber and carpet padding typically more than half a million pounds a year, however I am still available for shows. I work with another stand up comedian named Pancho Refries. Together we can put on a show of up to two hours long. We are also available for non-profit organizations and fund raisers usually for free or sometimes a little compensation depending on the organization and cause. All we require is that travel, meals and room are covered if applicable. It is best to check about no more than twice a month for new material, however all jokes will stay up for at least a month. You can write to Joe at 'kf6ddt@cris.com' . I will try to respond depending on how many people write. Now that you got through all of this trash enjoy. It is important to note that the last three paragraphs do not change and you would not want to read them again. You probably would not want to read it a first time either. Joe is always looking for weird news stories or dumb web sights to make fun of. Let me clarify that would be besides my page.