GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKES
Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister and can’t go out looking like this.
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly”
- but decides she’s going out
anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too
tall, too straight/too curly”
- but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so
she’s going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees “clean” and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she
wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who
can’t even see themselves
in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
MEN: You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use
WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use
the
tape.
TOP
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald
guy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
weren’t paved.
(2) Forget the health
food. I need all the preservatives I can
get.
(4) When you fall down, you
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
(5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKES
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: KEG
2002: EKG
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to
2002: Moving to
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like
Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage
1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint
1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones
1972: Being called into the
principal’s office
2002: Calling the principal’s office
1972: Down with the system
2002: Upgrade the system
1972: Disco
2002: Costco
1972: Parents begging you to
get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid
1972: Passing the drivers’ test
2002: Passing the vision test
1972: Whatever
2002:
Depends
TOP
Put the Glass Down
A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student
On stress management.
He raised a glass of water and asked the audience, “How
heavy do you think this glass of water is?”
The students’ answers ranged from 20g to 500gm.
“It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, it is OK.
If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my
right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an
ambulance.
It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it,
the heavier it becomes.”
“If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
we will not be able to carry on, the burden
becoming increasingly heavier.”
“What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for
a while before holding it up again.”
We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we
can be refreshed and are able to carry on.
Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders,
let it down for a moment if you can.
Pick it up again later when you have rested...
Rest and relax. Life
is short, enjoy
it!!
Suppose that there is a bank
that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over
no balance
from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed
to use
during the day.
What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!!!
Each of us has such a
bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400
seconds.
Every night it writes off, as
lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries
over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns
the remains of the
day. If you fail to use the day’s
deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the
“tomorrow.” You must live in the present
on
today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get
from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock
is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE
MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you
have! And treasure it more because you
shared it with someone
special--special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is
history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift.
That’s why it’s called the present!!