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Wellington Message:
The dry wit of the Duke of Wellington. One
ex-military person said, on reading this, "some things don't change"...
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO
THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON--written from Central Spain, August
1812
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon
and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and
all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen
of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for,
with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France,
a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation
of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce
it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue
either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
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New Element Identified:
Ain't science like, wonderful?
***New Element identified***
A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively
named "Administratium."
Administratium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy Neutrons
and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four
days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium
has a normal half-life of three years; it does not deteriorate but instead
undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons
and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Administratium's mass actually increases over time, since each
reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This moron-promoting characteristic has led some scientists to speculate
that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
You'll know it when you see it...
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**Initial Response to the Declaration
of Independence**
I don't know the source of this
nice little piece that skewers the pickers-of-nits.
Initial Response to the Declaration of Independence
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of
your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration
as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to
the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and
Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the
criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document
with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose
polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to
us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate.
If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult
for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of
your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among
these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the
13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies
to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income
of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable
goals. Please clarify.
You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of
these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and
to institute a new Government..." Have you weighed this assertion
against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a
long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow
it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You
state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and
that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who
or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they
change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance?
How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight
in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing
your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical
research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please
submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this
since Queen Anne's War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any
assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects
of your undertaking.
Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and
manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration
of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal.
Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten
copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
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**Merry Generic**
Source unknown. From the "Oh-My-Can-It-Come-To-That? Department"
This showed up at the end of last year and even I passed it on.
Here it is for the enlightenment of those who have not seen it.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practice
of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling,
and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year 2003, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice
of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America
great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other
country or is the only "AMERICA' in the western hemisphere), and without
regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith,
choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable
with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise
by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or
others, is void where prohibited by law, and is warranted to perform as
expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one
year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes
first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of
a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
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** Management Speak **
Found somewhere between Beijing
and Berlin, on the good ol' web...
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree."
TRANSLATION: "I disagree."
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and
I don't think you do either.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can
you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the
e-mail program.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in
desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the
costs.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor.
TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted
to hear.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when
this thing bombs.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for
my mistakes.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully
phrased answer.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with
something this stupid.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing,
but in the future we shall do something completely different.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or
cinder blocks.
* MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority
of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit
me.
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