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Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what
the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance
evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has
committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one
step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with
us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible
excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY
TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows
more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH
LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to
college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two
sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable
home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of
dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS
AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one
else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An
office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the
hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work
done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to
do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
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Dorsey an' Dugan are havin' throuble," said Mr. Hennessy.
"What about?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"Dorsey," said Mr. Hennessy, "says Dugan stole his dog. They had a party
at Dorsey's an' Dorsey heerd a noise in th' back yard an' wint out an' see
Dugan makin' off with his bull tarryer."
"Ye say he see him do it?"
"Yis, he see him do it."
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'twud baffle th' injinooty iv a Sherlock Holmes."
"Who's Sherlock Holmes?"
"He's th' gr-reatest detictive that iver was in a story book. I've been
r-readin' about him an' if I was a criminal, which I wud be if I had to wurruk
f'r a livin', an' Sherlock Holmes got afther me, I'd go sthraight to th' station
an' give mesilf up. I'd lay th' goods on th' desk an' say: 'Sargeant, put
me down in th' hard cage. Sherlock Holmes has jus' see a man go by in a cab
with a Newfoundland dog an' he knows I took th' spoons.' Ye see, he ain't
th' ordh'nry fly cop like Mulcahy that always runs in th' Schmidt boy f'r
ivry crime rayported fr'm stealin' a ham to forgin' a check in th' full knowledge
that some day he'll get him f'r th' right thing. No, sir; he's an injanyous
man that can put two an' two together an' make eight iv thim. He applies
his brain to crime, d'ye mind, an' divvle th' crime, no matther how cunnin'
it is, will escape him. We'll suppose, Hinnissy, that I'm Sherlock Holmes.
I'm settin' here in me little parlor wearin' a dhressin' gown an' now an'
thin pokin' mesilf full iv morpheen. Here we are. Ye come in. 'Good-mornin',
Watson.'"
"I ain't Watson," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'm Hinnissy."
"Ah," said Mr. Dooley; "I thought I'd wring it fr'm ye. Perhaps ye'd like
to know how I guessed ye had come in. 'Tis very simple. On'y a matther iv
observation. I heerd ye'er step; I seen ye'er refliction in th' lookin'
glass; ye spoke to me. I put these things together with me thrained faculty
f'r observation an' deduction, d'ye mind. Says I to mesilf: 'This must be
Hinnissy.' But mind ye, th' chain iv circumstances is not complete. It might
be some wan disguised as ye. So says I to mesilf: 'I will throw this newcome,
whoiver he is, off his guard, be callin' him be a sthrange name!' Ye wudden't
feel complimented, Hinnissy, if ye knew who Watson is. Watson knows even
less than ye do. He don't know annything, an' annything he knows is wrong.
He has to look up his name in th' parish raygisther befure he can speak to
himsilf. He's a gr-reat frind iv Sherlock Holmes an' if Sherlock Holmes
iver loses him, he'll find him in th' nearest asylum f'r th' feeble-minded.
But I surprised ye'er secret out iv ye. Thrown off ye'er guard be me innocent
question, ye popped out 'I'm Hinnissy,' an' in a flash I guessed who ye
were. Be th' same process iv raisonin' be deduction, I can tell ye that
ye were home las' night in bed, that ye're on ye'er way to wurruk, an' that
ye'er salary is two dollars a day. I know ye were at home las' night because
ye ar-re always at home between iliven an' sivin, bar Pathrick's night, an'
ye'er wife hasn't been in lookin' f'r ye. I know ye're on ye'er way to wurruk
because I heerd ye'er dinner pail jingle as ye stepped softly in. I know
ye get two dollars a day because ye tol' me ye get three an' I deducted thirty-three
an' wan third per cint f'r poetic license. 'Tis very simple. Ar-re those
shoes ye have on ye'er feet? Be hivins, I thought so."
Simple," said Mr. Hennessy, scornfully; "'tis foolish."
"Niver mind," said Mr. Dooley. "Pass th' dope, Watson. Now bein' full iv
th' cillybrated Chow Sooey brand, I addhress me keen mind to th' discussion
iv th' case iv Dorsey's dog. Watson, look out iv th' window an' see if that's
a cab goin' by ringin' a gong. A throlley car? So much th' betther. Me observation
tol' me it was not a balloon or a comet or a reindeer. Ye ar-re a gr-reat
help to me, Watson. Pass th' dope. Was there a dog on th' car? No? That
simplifies th' thing. I had an idee th' dog might have gone to wurruk. He
was a bull-tarryer, ye say. D'ye know annything about his parents? Be Mulligan's
Sloppy Weather out iv O'Hannigan's Diana iv th' Slough? Iv coorse. Was ayether
iv thim seen in th' neighborhood th' night iv th' plant? No? Thin it is
not, as manny might suppose, a case iv abduction. What were th' habits iv
Dorsey's coyote? Was he a dog that dhrank? Did he go out iv nights? Was he
payin' anny particular attintions to anny iv th' neighbors? Was he baffled
in love? Ar-re his accounts sthraight? Had Dorsey said annything to him
that wud 've made him despondent? Ye say no. He led a dog's life but seemed
to be happy. Thin 'tis plainly not a case iv suicide.
"I'm gettin' up close to th' criminals. Another shot iv th' mad mixture.
Wait till I can find a place in th' ar-rm. There ye ar-re. Well, Watson,
what d'ye make iv it?"
"If ye mane me, Dugan stole th' dog."
"Not so fast," said Mr. Dooley. "Like all men iv small minds ye make ye'ers
up readily. Th' smaller th' mind, th' aisier 'tis made up. Ye'ers is like
a blanket on th' flure befure th' fire. All ye have to do to make it up
is to lave it. Mine is like a large double bed, an' afther I've been tossin'
in it, 'tis no aisy job to make it up. I will puncture me tire with th'
fav'rite flower iv Chinnytown an' go on. We know now that th' dog did not
elope, that he didn't commit suicide an' that he was not kidnaped be his
rayturnin' parents. So far so good. Now I'll tell ye who stole th' dog.
Yisterdah afthernoon I see a suspicious lookin' man goin' down th' sthreet.
I say he was suspicious lookin' because he was not disguised an' looked
ivry wan in th' face. He had no dog with him. A damning circumstance, Watson,
because whin he'd stolen th' dog he niver wud 've taken it down near Dorsey's
house. Ye wudden't notice these facts because ye'er mind while feeble is
unthrained. His coat collar was turned up an' he was whistlin' to himsilf,
a habit iv dog fanciers. As he wint be Hogan's house he did not look around
or change his gait or otherwise do annything that wud indicate to an unthrained
mind that there was annything wrong, facts in thimsilves that proved to
me cultivated intilligence that he was guilty. I followed him in me mind's
eye to his home an' there chained to th' bed leg is Dorsey's dog. Th' name
iv th' criminal is P. X. O'Hannigan, an' he lives at twinty-wan hundhred
an' ninety-nine South Halsted sthreet, top flat, rear, a plumber be pro-fission.
Officer, arrest that man!
"That's all right," said Mr. Hennessy; "but Dugan rayturned th' dog las'
night."
"Oh, thin," said Mr. Dooley, calmly, "this is not a case f'r Sherlock Holmes
but wan f'r th' polis. That's th' throuble, Hinnissy, with th' detictive
iv th' story. Nawthin' happens in rale life that's complicated enough f'r
him. If th' Prisidint iv th' Epworth League was a safe-blower be night th'
man that'd catch him'd be a la-ad with gr-reat powers iv observation an'
thrained habits iv raisonin'. But crime, Hinnissy, is a pursoot iv th' simple
minded--that is, catchable crime is a pursoot iv th' simple-minded. Th' other
kind, th' uncatchable kind that is took up be men iv intellict is called
high fi-nance. I've known manny criminals in me time, an' some iv thim was
fine men an' very happy in their home life, an' a more simple, pasth'ral
people ye niver knew. Wan iv th' ablest bank robbers in th' counthry used
to live near me--he ownded a flat buildin'--an' befure he'd turn in to bed
afther rayturnin' fr'm his night's wurruk, he'd go out in th' shed an' chop
th' wood. He always wint into th' house through a thransom f'r fear iv wakin'
his wife who was a delicate woman an' a shop lifter. As I tell ye he was
a man without guile, an' he wint about his jooties as modestly as ye go about
ye'ers. I don't think in th' long run he made much more thin ye do. Wanst
in a while, he'd get hold iv a good bunch iv money, but manny other times
afther dhrillin' all night through a steel dure, all he'd find 'd be a short
crisp note fr'm th' prisidint iv th' bank. He was often discouraged, an'
he tol' me wanst if he had an income iv forty dollars th' month, he'd retire
fr'm business an' settle down on a farm.
"No, sir, criminals is th' simplest crathers in th' wide wide wurruld--innocent,
sthraight-forward, dangerous people, that haven't sinse enough to be honest
or prosperous. Th' extint iv their schamin' is to break a lock on a dure
or sweep a handful iv change fr'm a counter or dhrill a hole in a safe or
administher th' strong short arm to a tired man takin' home his load. There
are no mysteryous crimes excipt thim that happens to be. Th' ordh'nry crook,
Hinnissy, goes around ringin' a bell an' disthributin' hand-bills announcin'
his business. He always breaks through a window instead iv goin' through
an open dure, an' afther he's done annything that he thinks is commindable,
he goes to a neighborin' liquor saloon, stands on th' pool table an' confides
th' secret to ivrybody within sound iv his voice. That's why Mulligan is
a betther detictive thin Sherlock Holmes or me. He can't put two an' two
together an' he has no powers iv deduction, but he's a hard dhrinker an'
a fine sleuth. Sherlock Holmes niver wud've caught that frind iv mine. Whin
th' safe iv th' Ninth Rational Bank was blowed, he wud've put two an' two
together an' arristed me. But me frind wint away lavin' a hat an' a pair
iv cuffs marked with his name in th' safe, an' th' polis combined these discoveries
with th' well-known fact that Muggins was a notoryous safe blower an' they
took him in. They found him down th' sthreet thryin' to sell a bushel basket
full iv Alley L stock. I told ye he was a simple man. He ralized his ambition
f'r an agaracoolchral life. They give him th' care iv th' cows at Joliet."
"Did he rayform?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"No," said Mr. Dooley; "he escaped. An' th' way he got out wud baffle th'
injinooty iv a Sherlock Holmes."
"How did he do it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"He climbed over th' wall," said Mr. Dooley.
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