Larry Cappel. M.A. MFT Psychotherapy and Consulting

P.O. 491
Louisville, CO 80027
303-523-6123
Click here to email me

They are one person, they are two alone, they are three together, they are for each other. . .

Like the Crosby Stills and Nash song from the 1960s, when two people, whole and complete within themselves, create a union, the union is greater then the sum of the parts. In this ideal relationship conflict is managed skillfully and teamwork is easier to accomplish. Combined with love and respect for one another 1 +1 does truly equal 3, me, you and us, all equal. Neither person needs to disappear in the relationship to make the relationship work.

Sometimes I forget completely

what companionship is.

Unconscious and insane, I spill sad

energy everywhere.

Rumi

What gets in the way of this more perfect union is that when two people fall in love, along with the genuine affection they feel for one another, there is often an unconscious perception that the person they are falling in love with possesses some quality that they believe they lack in themselves. As a result each partner tries to get the other to behave in certain ways that unconsciously soothes those unpleasant feelings. The problem with this is that the partner being asked to behave differently is being asked to not be themselves in the relationship but to pretend to be someone they are not. This can only lead to anger and resentment.

So to use fancy words, the first paragraph above describes two people who are "individuated" and have developed the capacity to "self-sooth." They don't need their partner to to behave in a specific way in order to feel good about themselves.

I work with couples to learn to recognize these patterns, and how they create conflict in the relationship. Once recognized it is easy for the couple to support each other and help form that more perfect union.

Larry Cappel