| Thursday, April 1, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Built on the site of an ancient Mafia burial ground |
| Dave | Your April fool |
| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events/Cuts of Meat |
| 2nd Bit | Celebrity Choice |
| Top Ten | Get Well Messages Sent to Fabio |
| 1st Guest | Dennis Hopper |
| 2nd Guest | Jason Nastke (19-year-old mayor) |
| Music | The Corrs |
| Secret Word | Nemonurwingy/Balloon |
| Worldwide pants [mumbled] | |
| Friday, April 2, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Try the veal |
| Dave | Now with 25% more sarcasm |
| PostMonologue | CBS Mailbag (Tick-Tock, the Late Show Clock) |
| Top Ten | Signs the Easter Bunny is Cranky |
| 1st Guest | Marilu Henner |
| 2nd Guest | Master P |
| Standup | Greg Fitzsimmons |
| Secret Word | Mahogany |
| Sitting In | Charlie Daniels |
| Mmm mmm mmm | |
| Monday, April 5, 1999 [Official Late Night Talk Show of the Millenium] | |
|---|---|
| New York | Shh, you'll wake up a city employee |
| Dave | Controversial radio psychologist |
| PostMonologue | Biff visits Yankee spring training camp |
| Top Ten | Historical Inaccuracies in Peter Jenning's "The Century" |
| 1st Guest | Charles Grodin |
| 2nd Guest | David Arquette |
| Music | Willie Nelson, Lyle Lovett, and Kris Kristofferson |
| Secret Word | Flange |
| Time for a kiss | |
| Tuesday, April 6, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Now with added filler |
| Dave | The reason God made remote controls |
| PostMonologue | Tracking down the owner of the Meat Identification Kit |
| Top Ten | Rejected Star Wars Characters |
| 1st Guest | Drew Barrymore |
| 2nd Guest | Scott Wolf |
| Music | Barenaked Ladies - Alcohol |
| Secret Word | Millipede |
| No dice, Kenny | |
| Wednesday, April 7, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Private rooms available |
| Dave | The only entertainer with a prehensile tail |
| PostMonologue | Kids Parallel Parking |
| Top Ten | Dave Letterman Tax Exemptions |
| 1st Guest | Lennox Lewis |
| 2nd Guests | Dr. Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones |
| ---- | |
| Thursday, April 8, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Located in Canada's Manitoba province |
| Dave | Secretary of State under Johnson |
| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events/Cuts of Meat |
| Top Ten | Ways to Make Golf more Exciting |
| 1st Guest | George Stephanopoulos |
| 2nd Guest | Molly Shannon |
| Music | Andrea Bocelli |
| Secret Word | Ischemia |
| ---- | |
| Friday, April 9, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Beechwood aged |
| Dave | Heir to the Smucker's jelly fortune |
| PostMonologue | CBS Mailbag (A day in the life of an intern) |
| Top Ten | Guiness Records No One Wants to Break |
| 1st Guest | Bill Maher |
| 2nd Guest | Khalid El-Amin |
| Standup | Marc Maron |
| Other | Countdown to the Millenium |
| Do you know where your pants are? | |
| Monday, April 12, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | We play 12 in a row, or you win $12,000 |
| Dave | A man who wants to put you in a brand-new Camry |
| PostMonologue | What Dave did for his birthday |
| 2nd Bit | Celebrities wishing Dave Happy Birthday |
| 1st Guest | Elle Macpherson |
| 2nd Guest | Don Zimmer |
| Music | John Mellencamp |
| Secret Word | Diplopia |
| Hallelujah, pants | |
| Tuesday, April 13, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | We'll paint any stolen car for $99.99 |
| Dave | A man who receives a nickel everytime someone says "towlette" |
| PostMonologue | Charts & Graphs |
| 2nd Bit | Another birthday surprise |
| Top Ten | Things overheard at Hugh Hefner's Birthday |
| 1st Guest | Kevin Spacey (with scooter) |
| Music | Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers |
| Secret Word | Hegemony |
| You can't beat pants | |
| Wednesday, April 14, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Meticulously restored by Martha Stewart |
| Dave | A man who's just getting over the shock of the postal rate increase |
| PostMonologue | Biff's Fun with a Bullhorn |
| 2nd Bit | Dan Quayle's candidacy press conference |
| Top Ten | Hilarious Pranks to Play on the IRS |
| 1st Guest | Kate Winslet |
| 2nd Guest | Darrell Hammond |
| Music | Mandy Barnett |
| Secret Word | Quadricentennial |
| ---- | |
| Thursday, April 15, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | The soot acts as a sublock |
| Dave | Tough-but-fair trailer park manager |
| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events/Cuts of Meat |
| 2nd Bit | Alan has a magic trick |
| Top Ten | Things Mayorr Giuliani Hasn't Cracked Down on Yet |
| 1st Guest | David Spade (dramatic reading of a clip) |
| 2nd Guest | Tim Couch (quarterback challenge) |
| Music | Eagle Eye Cherry |
| Secret Word | Melon |
| ---- | |
| Friday, April 16, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | We steal cars and pass the savings on to you |
| Dave | Beloved children's book illustrator |
| PostMonologue | CBS Mailbag (Cher: Behind the Music) |
| 2nd Bit | A millennium baby conceivment aid |
| Top Ten | Chapters in Hillary Clinton's Book on White House Entertaining |
| 1st Guest | John Cusack |
| 2nd Guest | Jack Hanna |
| Secret Word | Tubular |
| Ahh, fresh pants | |
| April 19 - 23, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| Monday | |
| Tuesday | |
| Wednesday | |
| Thursday | |
| Friday | |
| Reruns | |
| Monday, April 26, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Please check carefully, many bags look alike |
| Dave | A man who's already worried about the Y3K problem |
| PostMonologue | Paul's interview with Monica Lewinsky |
| Top Ten | Ways to Make Religious History More Exciting |
| 1st Guest | Matthew Broderick |
| 2nd Guest | Ben Stein |
| Music | The Cranberries |
| Secret Word | Kitty |
| Pants from space | |
| Tuesday, April 27, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | A subsidary of Microsoft |
| Dave | Horse racing's winningest jockey |
| PostMonologue | Winner of the Secret Word contest |
| 2nd Bit | Ball, Get Out of My Nachos |
| Top Ten | Horses Least Likely to Win the Kentucky Derby |
| 1st Guest | Martin Lawrence |
| 2nd Guest | Michelle Williams |
| Standup | Eddie Brill |
| Secret Word | Hat |
| Pants, doctor? | |
| Wednesday, April 28, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Help! Our mayor has gone nuts |
| Dave | A man whose hairpiece won Best of Show |
| PostMonologue | Pedestrian Theme Songs |
| 1st Guest | Dustin Hoffman (with a touching story) |
| 2nd Guest | Mary Steenburgen |
| Music | Ben Folds Five - Army |
| Secret Word | Boat |
| Ahh... | |
| Thursday, April 29, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | How many times do I have to tell you? |
| Dave | Out-of-work disc jockey |
| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events/Cuts of Meat |
| 2nd Bit | Alan Kalter's Celebrity Birthdays |
| Top Ten | Things This Guy Wishes He were Doing Instead of Sitting Here |
| 1st Guest | Ted Danson |
| 2nd Guest | Sarah Ferguson |
| Music | Madness - Our House |
| Other | Another winner of the Secret Word contest |
| Secret Word | Carrot |
| Nice pants, Kenny | |
| Friday, April 30, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Where everyone in the audience is from Miami |
| Dave | Hooter's customer of the year |
| PostMonologue | Miami Quiz |
| 2nd Bit | Biff spends time with retired folks |
| Top Ten | Our Favorite Florida Names (presented by eponymous) |
| 1st Guest | Glenn Close |
| 2nd Guest | George Hamilton |
| Music | Elvis Crespo |
| [kiss kiss] | |