| September 1 - 6, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| Wednesday | |
| Thursday | |
| Friday | |
| Monday | |
| Reruns | |
| Tuesday, September 7, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Choked by the fast-growing Kudzu vine |
| Dave | A man whose hairpiece won Best in Show |
| PostMonologue | Dave congratulates Regis on his little game show |
| 2nd Bit | Alan visits a bakery |
| Top Ten | Signs Your Dog is Trying to Kill You (trouble) |
| 1st Guest | Kevin James (Dave inspires Kevin) |
| Music | Sheryl Crow |
| Ha ha pants | |
| Wednesday, September 8, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | All street hot dogs personally touched by Mayor Giuliani |
| Dave | Your wholesale source for quality mailed aluminum products |
| PostMonologue | Calling Sumner Redstone |
| Top Ten | Ways the Country Would be Different if it were Bought by MTV |
| 1st Guest | Ricki Lake (calling Oprah) |
| Music | Kid Rock |
| How 'bout those pants? | |
| Thursday, September 9, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Visit the fake ID hall of fame |
| Dave | A man who's naked on the internet |
| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events/Previous CBS Owners... |
| 2nd Bit | Paul's appearance on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? |
| Top Ten | Term Paper Topics Written by Genius Mice |
| 1st Guest | Craig Kilborn (one-minute zoom) |
| 2nd Guest | Louise Smith |
| Performance | The Umbilical Brothers (from Thwack) |
| Oh boy, pants | |
| Friday, September 10, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | On the bank of the mighty Amazon |
| Dave | A man who's hopped up on bovine recombinant growth hormone |
| PostMonologue | CBS Mailbag (Dave races Biff) |
| 2nd Bit | US Open Grunt of the Day |
| Top Ten | Features of the New Khaddafy Car (presented by Paul) |
| 1st Guest | Queen Latifah |
| Music | John Popper |
| Answer the damn phone | |
| Monday, September 13, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | From the magnificent Shrine Auditorium |
| Dave | Workaholic creator of Ally McBeal & The Practice |
| PostMonologue | Emmy wrap-up |
| 2nd Bit | Tv's most memorable moment of the year |
| Top Ten | Things That Will get You Kicked out of the Emmys |
| 1st Guest | John McEnroe |
| 2nd Guest | Sharon Lawrence |
| Music | Nanci Griffith |
| ---- | |
| Tuesday, September 14, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | My old Kentucky home |
| Dave | Magnet magnate |
| PostMonologue | Neighborhood Y2K testing |
| 2nd Bit | Mosquitos |
| Top Ten | Favorite Mall Stores of Fat Kids |
| 1st Slot | Kid Scientists (cola + mentos = geyser) |
| 2nd Guest | Edie Falco |
| Music | Dixie Chicks |
| ---- | |
| Wednesday, September 15, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Eastern Europe's poisoned industrial heartland |
| Dave | A man who's celebrating Halloween a little bit early this year |
| PostMonologue | Emmy Quiz |
| 2nd Bit | Guy falling down stairs |
| Top Ten | Signs that Dave is More Pleasant |
| 1st Guest | John Leguizamo |
| Music | Meat Loaf - Lawyers, Guns, and Money |
| Pan-fried nappy | |
| Thursday, September 16, 1999 - Hurricane! | |
|---|---|
| Preshow | Paul checks for talk show closings |
| New York | Not recommended for daily use |
| Dave | A man who contains moisturizer to make your skin silky smooth |
| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events/Dutch NBA Players... |
| 2nd Bit | Biff's live report on Hurricane Floyd |
| Top Ten | Lame Jokes People are Telling to Guys Named Floyd |
| 1st Guest | Jenna Elfman (on drums) |
| 2nd Guest | Chris Kattan |
| Music | Christine Aguilera |
| Boy, did that suck | |
| Friday, September 17, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | The biggest little city in the world |
| Dave | Your next Miss America |
| PostMonologue | CBS Mailbag |
| Top Ten | Weathermen or Ice Cream Flavors |
| 1st Guest | Heather Locklear |
| 2nd Guest | Keyshawn Johnson |
| Dear sweet pants | |
| Monday, September 20, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Made of recycled telephone directories |
| Dave | Founding member of the Commodores |
| PostMonologue | Why They Won't be on the Late Show |
| 2nd Bit | Rupert watches new CBS show previews |
| Top Ten | Stories that Sam Donaldson has Reported while Smoking Pot |
| 1st Guest | Michael J. Fox |
| 2nd Guest | Heather French (Miss America 2000) |
| Sitting In | Warren Zevon (for Paul) |
| Other | NY Jets Play of the Day |
| Which one's Dave? | |
| Tuesday, September 21, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Everywhere you look, beautiful Victorian gingerbread trim |
| Dave | Fugitive financier |
| PostMonologue | More parallel parking |
| 2nd Bit | Early Gore campaign ad |
| Top Ten | Pickup Lines Frequently Used on Miss America |
| 1st Guest | Robin Williams |
| 2nd Guest | Norm MacDonald |
| Press those pants | |
| Wednesday, September 22, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Home of the Grand Old Opry |
| Dave | Long-lost Oak Ridge Boy |
| PostMonologue | Who Asked for It? |
| Top Ten | Announcements that Would Cause a Panic at the Country Music Awards |
| 1st Slot | Stupid Pet Tricks |
| 2nd Guest | Ashley Judd |
| Music | Randy Travis |
| Time for a kiss | |
| Thursday, September 23, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | May we spray you for mosquitos? |
| Dave | Russian money launderer |
| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events |
| Top Ten | Diana Ross Travel Tips |
| 1st Guest | Mark Wahlberg |
| Music | Adam Sandler |
| 3rd Guest | Robert Ebert |
| Remove those pants | |
| Friday, September 24, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Corporate accounts welcome |
| Dave | The genius behind Tae-bo |
| PostMonologue | CBS Mailbag |
| Top Ten | Ways the Y2K Bug will Affect your Dog |
| 1st Guest | Kelly Preston |
| 2nd Guest | Stirling Moss |
| Music | Sugar Ray |
| Kiss me now | |
| Monday, September 27, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Quality service is our #1 priority |
| PostMonologue | The dentist and the bite plane story |
| 2nd Bit | A truffle-sniffing dog |
| Top Ten | Low Points of the Quayle Campaign |
| Dave | Motor Trend's SUV of the Year |
| 1st Guest | Kevin Pollak |
| Music | Tom Waits - Chocolate Jesus |
| Buy me some pants | |
| Tuesday, September 28, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Filmed on location in Vancouver |
| Dave | A former Miss Scotland |
| PostMonologue | Who wants to win a big phony check for $1,000,000? |
| 2nd Bit | Gore campaign commercial (Bradley/bugs) |
| Top Ten | Signs Garth Brooks is Nuts |
| 1st Guest | Nathan Lane (Simply Mervalous!) |
| Music | Emmylou Harris & Linda Rondstadt |
| Return to your homes | |
| Wednesday, September 29, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Call us before you buy or rent |
| Dave | Washed up rock star |
| PostMonologue | New for Fall |
| Top Ten | Least Intimidating Things to Say to Your Opponent Before a Prize Fight (presented by Evander Holyfield & Lennox Lewis) |
| 1st Guest | Mia Farrow |
| 2nd Guest | Russell Crowe |
| Music | Paula Cole Band |
| No dice, Kenny | |
| Thursday, September 30, 1999 | |
|---|---|
| New York | Your source for mufflers in the tri-state area |
| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events/Carrion-Eating Birds... (flying saucers) |
| 2nd Bit | True Stories of Late Show Stagehands |
| Top Ten | Tommy Lee Jones Roles |
| 1st Guest | Kevin Spacey |
| Music | Eurythmics |
| Dave | One-half of a mother and son grifter team |
| Other | New 60 Minutes season promo |
| Is the show over? | |