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| New York | Russia's only warm water port |
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| Dave | The man who coined the phrase "way station closed" |
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| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events (Lousiana chorale major) |
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| 2nd Bit | Big Apple Promo, Bush's activities today |
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| 1st Guest | Martin Short - Bypass tribute |
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| Standup | Jake Johannsen |
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| Run like hell |
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| PostMonologue | CBS Mailbag (Alan's advice on how to suceed) |
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| Top Ten | Things You're Likely to Hear in a Meeting with Les Moonves |
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| 1st Guest | Michael Imperioli |
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| Music | Josh Joplin Group |
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| Do you smell taters? |
|
| New York | Discontinue immediately if rash appears |
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| Dave | Newly signed Texas Rangers superstar |
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| PostMonologue | Bush's First 50 Days |
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| Campaign 2000 | Jeff Varner (Survivor 2 loser number 6) |
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| 1st Guest | Janet Jackson |
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| Music | Jill Scott |
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| Other | The lumpy colon song |
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| Are you still up? |
|
| New York | Weakened by parasitical vines |
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| Dave | Mad king of Bavaria |
|---|
| PostMonologue | What's the deal with old guys and giant glasses? |
|---|
| 2nd Bit | Alan's message for Camryn Manheim |
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| 1st Guest | Denis Leary |
|---|
| 2nd Guests | Anne Bancroft & Liv Arnesen (walked across Antartica) |
|---|
| Other | Hearing tests |
|---|
| Boy, I'm sleepy |
|
| New York | Halfway between Secaucus and Hell |
|---|
| Dave | The best friend the American barley farmer ever had |
|---|
| PostMonologue | Survivor 2 Quiz |
|---|
| 2nd Bit | Pat Farmer shooting baskets off the roof - St. Patrick's Day safety tips |
|---|
| Top Ten | Signs Colin Powell Has Been Spending Too Much Time with George W. Bush |
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| 1st Guest | Cokie Roberts |
|---|
| Music | Uncle Kracker |
|---|
| Other | Presidential confidence campaign commercial |
|---|
| Here kitty kitty |
|
| New York | Back Bay of the Tri-state area |
|---|
| Dave | Host of the Home Shopping Network's third most popular show |
|---|
| PostMonologue | Rejected FDA Products |
|---|
| Campaign 2000 | Alicia Calaway (Survivor 2 loser number 7) |
|---|
| 1st Guest | Antonio Banderas |
|---|
| Music | Nick Cave |
|---|
| Other | Irish Headgear of the Night |
|---|
| Damn, I'm fat |
|
| New York | Pit Bull of the National Kennel |
|---|
| Dave | Inventor of Dave-robics |
|---|
| PostMonologue | Miscellaneous - Bush coins a new word, Sports bloopers |
|---|
| 2nd Bit | Alan's Message for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Committee |
|---|
| Top Ten | Messages on Steven Seagal's Answering Machine |
|---|
| 1st Guest | Kristin Davis |
|---|
| 2nd Guest | Grant Paulsen (12-year-old sportscaster) |
|---|
| Sitting In | Johnny Johnson & James Burton |
|---|
| ---- |
|
| New York | Two medical examiners, no waiting |
|---|
| Dave | Proud member of Oprah's Book Club |
|---|
| PostMonologue | Ways Celebrities are Cutting Back |
|---|
| 2nd Bit | A sign of spring |
|---|
| Top Ten | Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Beauty Salon (with video) |
|---|
| Standup | Jerry Seinfeld |
|---|
| Music | Paul Simon |
|---|
| Is your name Connie? |
|
| PostMonologue | What I Love About Spring in New York |
|---|
| 2nd Bit | Clip from Barbara Walter's special |
|---|
| 1st Guest | George Carlin |
|---|
| Music | Powderfinger |
|---|
| Other | Dave calls the office |
|---|
| ---- |
|
| PostMonologue | Beat the Clock (Hello Deli) |
|---|
| Music | Nathan Lane - Scene from The Producers |
|---|
| 2nd Guest | Shannon Elizabeth |
|---|
| Other | Tony's birthday, AOL Tirade |
|---|
| Fix me a snack |
|
| New York | No longer responding to antibiotics |
|---|
| Dave | Expelled Russian Diplomat |
|---|
| PostMonologue | Dave's Video Collection |
|---|
| 2nd Bit | Biff in Chappequa |
|---|
| 1st Guest | Jennifer Love Hewitt |
|---|
| Music | Train |
|---|
| Sitting In | A really tall guy |
|---|
| Does your head hurt? |
|
| New York | We've got recession fever |
|---|
| Dave | The last remaining survivor |
|---|
| PostMonologue | Know Your Current Events |
|---|
| Top Ten | Rejected Puff Daddy Names |
|---|
| 1st Guest | Johnny Knoxville |
|---|
| Music | The Go-Go's |
|---|
| Pants are fun |
|
| New York | America's deferred maintenance capitol |
|---|
| Dave | Amateur spelunker |
|---|
| PostMonologue | CBS Mailbag (peanut butter prank) |
|---|
| 2nd Bit | Spring Safety Tips |
|---|
| Top Ten | Other ways Mayor Giuliani is Cleaning up New York |
|---|
| 1st Guest | Isabella Rossellini |
|---|
| Standup | Wendy Lieberman |
|---|
| Put on your pants |
