The Terrastock Manual

A User’s Guide To Enlightened Living Through Sight And Sound

The following text has been transcribed into English as closely as possible from the original manuscripts, believed to have been uncovered from survivors of several underground music festivals held throughout the world in the latter days of the 20^th century in commemoration of the Ptolemaic Terrascope magazine.

Opening Night

1) Make an oath to enjoy yourself at all costs and renew your subscription to Ptolemaic Terrascope. Shave excess hair from the body and wear cologne. Shower.

2) Make sure you know all aspects of the directions to the gig well, and leave at least an extra hour to arrive at the venue before the opening act takes the stage.

3) Read the current issue of Ptolemaic Terrascope and reflect on its meanings and remember all of the things that the organizers have promised for the attendees.

4) Remind your soul to listen to the accompanying CD and obey [all divine orders] and remember that you will face decisive situations that might prevent you from 100 percent attendance, so tame your soul, purify it, convince it, make it understand, and incite it. For as the great prophet, Philibus Melkshamus hath saith: "There’s plenty of room for everyone; do not fight amongst yourselves or else you will be escorted outside. And be patient, for the bands will appear as scheduled...give or take a few minutes and last minute line-up shuffles."

5) Pray during the night and be persistent in asking the bouncers to keep quiet during the performances.

6) Remember what your life was like before the ‘scope, and the best way to do it is to read the Holy Book [i.e., the current issue of Ptolemaic Terrascope]. It is enough for us that it [PT] contains the words of the great music scholars of the Earth, the Ones that you will meet [at the bar during intermission].

7) Purify your soul from all unclean things. Completely forget something called "commercial music" [or "corporate rock"]. The time for playing that shit is over and the serious time is upon us. How much time have we wasted in our lives? Shouldn't we take advantage of these last hours to offer good deeds and obedience by returning that renewal notice?

8) You should feel complete tranquility, because the time between now and the first day’s opening act is very short. Afterwards begins the happy life, where you will enjoy eternal bliss "in the company of the prophets, the companions, the martyrs and the good people, who are all good company [i.e., the Terrascope staff and fellow Terrastock attendees]."

9) Be mindful of how will you act and how will you remain steadfast if you fall into hardship [i.e., lose your spot at the front of the stage to visit the rest room], and remember that you will return to approximately the same spot at the foot of the stage and remember that, having drank all those beverages, anything that happens to you could never be avoided. This test from Almighty God is to raise your blood alcohol levels and erase [i.e., empty] your bladder. And be sure that it is a matter of moments that you are gone, which will then pass, God willing, so blessed are those who saved your spot by the stage.

10) Remember the words of Philibus: "You were reading about these guys only a few moments ago and now you see them with your own two eyes."

11) Remind yourself of the supplies your brethren shared with you and ponder their meanings. (The morning and evening supplies, and the supplies you shared on entering the venue, and the supplies you shared before the opening act took unto the stage.)

12) Bless your body with some verses from the Ptolemaic Terrascope [done by reading several articles into one's hands and then rubbing the hands over whatever is to be blessed: the luggage, clothes, your personal effects, your PT Fan Club ID, your passport, and all of your papers.]

13) "Check your package" [a reference to ensuring one’s supplies are well hidden] since this is the way of the pious. They would tighten their clothes before entering the venue to avoid detection. Tighten your shoes well, wear socks so that your feet will be solidly in your shoes. All of these are worldly things [that humans can do to control their fate, although "the man" decrees what will work and what won't based upon whether he "catches" you or not] and the rest is left to chance.

14) Share the morning bong with a group of fellow attendees and ponder the great rewards of that special breakfast. Distribute supplies afterwards, and do not leave your hotel room unless you have performed ablution before leaving, because your fellow attendees will appreciate not having to stand crunched up next to someone who reeks of patchouli oil and the like.

The Second Night

1) When the taxi takes you to the venue, remember the lineup and start times constantly while in the car. You won’t want to arrive late or miss your favorite performer.

2) When you have reached the venue and have left the taxi, say a supplication of place ["Oh Lord, I ask you for the best of this place, and ask you to protect me from its evils. I ask you to keep me from drinking or smoking too much, from eating of things I know not the origins of and from not embarrassing myself in front of fellow list members who know me only by my words. I ask that my deeds match my words and that I not be detected whilst "smoking in the boy’s room"], and everywhere you go say that prayer and smile and be calm.

3) And the angels will protect you if you reach the state of not feeling anything. Say this supplication: "Lord, take your anger out on them [the bouncers] and we ask You to protect us from their evil methods of detection." And say: "Oh Lord, block their vision from in front of them, so that they may not see what I have hidden in my " "smalls" (i.e., "undies"). And say: "Philibus is all we need; He is the best to rely upon. Follow his lead and take direction therefrom." Remember his introductory words upon opening the festival: "Welcome to those to whom the critics said, 'You people are crazy. What is this shit you’re listening to. I never heard of these people. Wake up to the 21^st century, you dirty, smelly old hippies. Go home and take a bath and get a haircut. The sixties are dead...get a life.’ Together we shall only increase our faith that great music is not determined by what the masses buy, but by what is good and honest and new and unique in our eyes and ears." And the assembled they said, "You go, Philibus. You and the ‘scope are all we need; you are the best to rely upon." After you say that, you will feel warm and fuzzy all over [sorry, Ashcroft, but the drugs DO work].

4) Also, do not seem confused or show signs of nervous tension, for it has been said that "he who looks guilty has much to hide". In all things, be happy, optimistic and calm because you are heading for a higher plane and you don’t want to miss the festival’s closing act.

Closing Night

1) When you ride the taxi, before your foot steps in it, and before you enter it, make a prayer and supplications. Remember that this is a battle for the sake of free-form, independent music. As the prophet, Philibus, peace be upon him, said: ("An action for the sake of our music is better than all of what is in this world"). When you step inside the taxi, and sit in your seat, begin with the known supplications that we have mentioned before. Be busy with the constant remembrance of the previous day’s bands. Philibus said: "Oh ye faithful, when you see bands of which ye know little of, be steadfast and attentive, and remember the joy and euphoria of discovering new realms of musical exploration so that you may be successful in expanding thy mind and thy record collection." When the taxi moves, even slightly, toward the venue, say the supplication of travel. Because you are traveling toward a deeper understanding of unknown quantities, pray, be attentive on this trip.

2) Then you arrive at the venue and then the opening act takes unto the stage. This is the moment that all brothers and sisters of the Terrastock Nation come together. So remember Philibus, as He said in His complementary program guide: "Oh fellow Terrastock Traveler, pour your patience upon us and make our artists welcome, one and all, for there was indeed a time that all who appear before you were familiar to ye not. Pray their equipment remain steadfast and give us victory over the vaguearies of the P.A. system, for therein lie the infidels who would deign to upset your trip. Take ye heed of these new experiments in sound and space exploration." And His prophet [unclear, believed to be reference to venue stage manager/announcer] said: "Oh Philibus, the great one, You have revealed the book [believed to be reference to a family tree-styled compendium written about all the Terrastock performers. Legend has it that such a book made the rounds at the merchandise tables at the fifth festival; could also be a reference to this manual]; You move the clouds [perhaps reference to introduction of Mac MacLeod]; You gave us victory over the enemy, pray, conquer them and give us victory over them and make the ground shake under our feet. [Perhaps a signal to get on with the show.] Pray for yourself and all of your brothers and sisters [that would be the Terrastock performers] that they may be victorious and hit their high notes, and ask God grant unto you martyrdom for facing the enemy, not running away from it, and for "He Who Knows All Things Yet May Not Be Named" to grant you patience and the feeling that anything that happens to you is for Him and know ye that ye shall be richly rewarded." [Translation breaks down, but this is believed to be a reference to the trials and tribulations of the great prophet, Philibus Melkshamus, organizer of the event, in his negotiations for the rental of the venue and coordination of artistic talent.]

3) Then every one of you should prepare to carry out his role in a way that would satisfy Philibus. You should clench your teeth, as the pious early generations of Terrastock attendees did. If everything goes well, every one of you should pat the other on the shoulder in confidence and remind your brothers and sisters that these performers have often paid their own way to get here and are accepting little or no financial return for the honor of performing for you to accompany your trip to the next world. Do not confuse your brothers or sisters or distract them while a performer you may not particularly enjoy is in the middle of their set. You should give them glad tidings and make them calm, and remind them that you are all here together for a singularity of purpose and encourage them through your show of appreciation via whoops, hollers, exclamations and applause. How beautiful it is for one to read words such as: "Terrastock Clan brings harmony to [site of venue]. Townsfolk welcome strangers bearing gifts of music." For, lo, did indeed your friends sing songs to boost your morale, as the pious first generations of Terrastock performers did in the throes of battling the odds, to bring calm, tranquility and joy to the hearts of their brothers and sisters.

3) Do not forget to take pictures, exchange e-mail addresses and "want lists". Leave the venue as you found it, picking up stray broken bottles, rolling wrappers, etc. and, if possible, share in a final bounty, even if it is but a glass of water to quench your thirst and remove that annoying pestilence of "cotton mouth" that has been visited upon you or your brothers and sisters. When the hour of reality approaches, the zero hour, [presumably the end of the final encore], wholeheartedly welcome death [i.e., the return to the "other" world of commonly accepted "reality" away from your Terrastock brethren] for the sake of the next festival. Always be remembering what you have seen...felt...tasted...ingested....

Afterwards, we will all meet in the highest heaven, God willing, next year in [indecipherable, believed to refer to site of next festival].

A Pax On You And Your Brethren

All graphics © Jon Bernhardt.