Shard

Shard's Tactics is the first chapter of my current project, Shard's Thugs, the hilarious adventures of Captain Wiggletooth Shard and his company of Goblins as they battle Humans, Dwarves and those accursed Elves.

Copyrighted 2001 all rights reserved. No reproduction, electronic or otherwise, may be made without written permission of the author.

Shard's Thugs

By Dexter Herron
Copyrighted 3/18/01

Shard’s Tactics

Thunder echoed madly in the great hall, as feet, bare soles as hard as leather, pounded on the cracked and broken stone floor. Their voices growled and howled with panic and confusion as they dragged their broken weapons and wounded across the rotting drawbridge into the castle, into the darkness within.

He looked around desperately, his eyes quickly adjusting to the dim. Dilapidated, crumbling masonry, smashed furniture, mildew assaulting his sensitive nose, not at all what he had expected. He had used the sheer will of command to turn the rout into a retreat, hoping to escape with some resemblance of a military force in order to counter-attack the Humans. The emperor would not accept defeat, and as long as Goblin blood still flowed in their veins, he would expect – no – demand they fight on.

They had outnumbered the Humans ten to one, but iron swords were useless against steel armor and great horses. Cavalry charged under the umbrella of arrows and ran down the Goblins caught flatfooted on open ground, and turned the great army of Hookfang Rottingtooth into mincemeat.

"You three!" He bellowed. "Get up to the portcullis and shut those gates!" He looked around at the mass pouring into the hall. "Which one of you moronic fucks can count?"

One looked up, holding up both four-fingered hands. "I have seven and eight, Lieutenant." He pointed to his foot which was missing a toe.

"You brilliant running snot, take three non-lame twits to the wall and keep watch. Let me know if anyone followed us." The Lieutenant waved. "Go!" He looked around, trying to find anyone with rank. "You, Corporal! Take ten thugs and search the west wing. Make sure this place is empty!"

The Corporal looked uncertain. "Uh, how much is ten?"

"By Thrallic’s furry balls! Where is your squad?"

"Dead. I’m the last."

"You fucking fuck!" The Lieutenant screamed. "You should be dead too! Kill yourself now!" He looked for someone else. "Can you count to ten?"

The Goblin who had been watching the Corporal try to figure out a painless way to stab himself looked up. "I know what ten thugs looks like."

"Good! You’re a corporal! Search the west wing!"

The new corporal nodded then smacked the old corporal’s arm, driving his short blade into his eye. While the old corporal howled, the new corporal snatched his baldric and put it on, tugging it into place as he shouted orders. Quickly a contingent, happy to be bullied around again, fell into a group and headed down the hall.

The Lieutenant nodded as he climbed up on a broken cinder block and shouted over the confused din. "Now hear this! I am Lieutenant Wiggletooth Shard! Who here thinks he out ranks me?"

Coming into the doorway was an ambling mass of shoulders with long dragging arms, a captain by his baldric. He shuffled forward on stout legs, standing as tall as Shard standing on a cinder block. "I am Ho Sheck Yek Yak, captain of the Black Raid Company. I am assuming command, Lieutenant. We will hold up here until General Rottingtooth sends reinforcements."

Shard nodded, stepping from his cinder block. He bowed submissively as he slipped his needler, a broken schlager blade with leather wrapped at the base for a grip, from his forearm guard and shoved it into the soft space under Yek Yak’s jaw

just as he prepared to climb up the cinder block to take command. Shard, with both hands heaved up, forcing the blade through Yek-Yak’s palate, up into his brain and through the top of his skull.

Yek Yak looked mildly surprised and stepped off the block, unbuckling his turtle shell helmet. He pulled it off with a heave and peered into it, checking for damage. Satisfied it was okay, he pulled it back on, buckled it up, rolled his eyes into his head and died.

Shard had unbuckled Yek Yak’s baldric and yanked it free during the monstrous goblin’s helmet inspection and had it on before the big doof hit the floor. "We are preparing to counter- attack, ya gutless wonder." He shouted at the dead Goblin as he wretched free his needler. "The notion that we ran away to wait for reinforcements is an act akin to being a Hobbit!" He kicked the supine body in disgust, then looked up, his black mica eyes glistening. "Now hear this! Bind your wounds quickly for we will attack! Remember, we did not run away like girly Elves! We tactically relocated for an advantageous counter-attack! And we will counter-attack. Unless we counter-attack, then it’s considered running away and that is unacceptable! Do you all understand?"

Uniformly, every Goblin eye looked back at him, blinking bewilderedly.

Shard sneered. "Close enough." He muttered.

A Goblin in brightly polished armor marched up. "Lieutenant Shard?"

"Captain!" he growled hotly.

"Ah, yes, congratulations on your promotion." He saluted. "I’m Tech Lieutenant Forring of the Emperor’s Engineering Squad."

Shard squinted. "And what are you doing alive, you cowardly fuck?"

Forring thumbed to the giant keg strapped to his back. "A dud. I ran around the field shouting, ‘BOOM!’, and it worked for a while but the enemy started catching on and those cursed Elves started using me as target practice."

Shard planted his fists into his hips. "And why the fuck didn’t you run around to get them to use up their ammo? Even Elves have a fucking arrow expenditure budget."

"I was hoping to get a new fuse when I saw your detail running up here." He said looking around with a sniff. "So, have you seen any engineers around?"

"No, they all figured out how to explode themselves, you dumb fuck. Now go stand some place where no one will mistake you for a keg of ale."

He saluted, pounding his head with his fist. "Yes, sir!" He turned away, nearly striking Shard with the arrows that protruded from his explosive keg of Black Dirt That Blows Stuff Up, and then turned back. "Oh, uh perhaps I should mention..."

Shard rolled his eyes. "You are now fucking bothering me! Don’t you see I have better things to do than talk to a walking bomb?"

He saluted again, wincing from the pain. "Sorry, sir, it’s just that there is a contingency of men amassing at the bottom of the hill."

Shard’s eyes grew round as his heavy mono-brow bristled. "And just at what fucking point where you going to inform me of this?"

Forring looked offended. "Well, I was hoping that if I could get a new fuse I could run down there and take care of it."

Shard bit his lip, not wanting to encourage such a good plan. "Whatever," he mumbled. "How many are down there?"

Forring looked distant. "Uh, I’m not sure, I’ve only been trained to recognize what a group looks like."

Shard closed his eyes tiredly. "Scrounge something to make a fuse." He opened his eyes and Forring was still standing there. "Now!" he barked. Then shouted up the stairs to the tower, "Hey! Up there! What’s the status on those gates?"

From above, a head popped into view. "It’s worked by a big chain. Nud is trying to chew through it." He answered brightly.

Shard shook his head. "Look for a machine, a Gnomish contraption, that when you turn the wheel the gate goes up and down."

"Oh, I guess that’s what this thing is for." He looked back over his shoulder.

"Give it a try," Shard encouraged, then turned away before he did something rash and violent. In the crowd of the main hall, he spotted his PFC. "Private First Class Gralfange! Smiley! Over here!"

The Goblin ran over, his over-sized teeth gave him the look that he was smiling all the time. "Hey Corporal... I mean, Sergeant Shard." He noticed the Baldric. "Captain? You were a sergeant when you sent me to go check the east wing."

"Battlefield promotion. What do you have?"

Smiley smiled brightly. "East wing clear, Captain! The castle is empty, that it is."

Shard looked left, then right. "How is it, that I sent you to check the east wing, and you come back from the west wing?"

Smiley looked down both halls, scratching his head. "Uh, well, the castle is kinda circle shape." He outlined a square in the air with his fingers.

"Oh, then you saw the patrol I sent down the west wing."

Smiley shook his head. "Nope, never saw them."

Confusion flashed across his face. "So where the fuck is the squad I sent down the west wing?" He turned as the Goblin he sent to watch the walls ran up. "What do you got?"

"Sir, there is a group of men at the bottom of the hill. I count more than seven eights of them and less than seven horses, but more than four."

Shard leaned over to Smiley. Smiley whispered: "That’s fifty-six men, we out-number them two to one, that we do. Perfect odds for an attack, sir."

"Are you fucking nuts?" he growled, holding up four fingers. "It takes this many Goblins to take out one Human." He held up his other hand. "And this many Goblins to take out a man on a horse." He turned back to the lookout. "You said more than seven eights. Can you only count as high as seven eights?"

The Goblin surveyed his fingers and toes to be sure he had them all. "Yes, sir."

Shard nodded, understanding. "So, when you say more than seven eights, is it almost double? Do you think you could get another seven eights outta that?"

The Goblin thought a moment, his ears twitching. "Yeah, I’d say that."

Shard held his breath. "And what are they doing?"

"Standing around."

"Are they forming up? Assembling to charge the castle?" When the Goblin shook his head, Shard hissed. "By Mumgerds smelly entrails, this is bad. They totally out-number us, the doors are wide open." He looked around at the rotted tapestries and sagging roof. "This is a perfectly good castle, empty of Humans. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Where are the people who live here?"

Smiley smiled. "Perhaps they’re on holiday?"

Shard smiled brightly. "And they left the fucking door open so they could get back in, right? You stupid twit! There is something wrong with this castle and we’ve got to get out of here. Are there any other doors?"

Smiley thought. "There’s a garbage chute in the kitchen. I think we could squeeze through, that I do."

Shard sincerely brightened. "Excellent! Where does it lead?"

Smiley frowned as he concentrated, trying to remember. "Uh, off a cliff."

Shard’s mono-brow raised. "A cliff?" His mind reeled with the harsh memory of dragging his wounded men up the long-ass, narrow, rocky, winding trail to the castle. He could only conclude the cliff was both shear and a long, way down. "And what’s at the bottom, water?"

"Yeah, and rocks!" Smiley smiled.

"Sharp, jagged rocks?"

"Yeah!"

Shard smiled warmly. "Well done! I’ll send everyone off a cliff onto some sharp, jagged rocks. That way, their big pile of bodies will break my fall and I can counter-attack the enemy by my frigging self!"

"That’s very brave of you, sir."

Shard cuffed him in the side of the head. "I’m being facetious, you dolt!"

"Excuse me, Captain Facetious?" The Goblin Shard sent down the west wing ran up. "I’m looking for Lieutenant Shard."

Shard spun hotly. "I am Lieutenant Shard!" He winced, correcting himself. "Captain Shard!"

"Oh, I thought you looked like him."

"Where the fuck have you been?" Shard growled.

"The west wing, sir. We’re rich!" He chirped.

Seconds dragged as Shard stared at him, his face expressionless. "Come again?"

"We found a treasure room! There’s a giant pile of loot! See?" He held up his hand showing the rings that were finely crafted for a Human’s delicate finger crammed brutally on his thick Goblin fingers, quickly cutting off all circulation and turning his fingernails pearl white.

Shard turned hotly to Smiley. "Why didn’t you tell me there was a treasure room, private?"

"Um, that’s private first class, sir and we didn’t see a treasure room."

Shard kneed him violently in the balls. "And you didn’t see a back door either, private." He turned to the Corporal. "Show me," he growled. "Fast!" He trotted off down the hall with Smiley limping behind, uttering a squeak with each step.

Shard’s permanent frown deepened as he passed the shattered furniture, broken statues and ruined rugs. A perfectly good castle, perfectly good furniture, and no one home. Suddenly, he stopped dead in his tracks as his eyes instantly teared. "Moxoly’s favorite whore! That’s a fuck righteous stench!" His nostrils burned from the acrid wall of stink. "Ugh, why didn’t you warn me?"

The Goblin looked back at him. "What stench, sir?"

Shard tried to blink his vision clear. "The stench your mother has when she spreads her fucking legs. You don’t smell that?" He glanced back at Smiley who was gagging.

"No, sir, not at all," the corporal responded, pointing to a door. "Here is the treasure room."

Shard wiped a tear from his face. "Of course, it all makes sense. An empty castle, door wide open, enemy at the front gates afraid to come in, the rotting stench of partially-digested Goblin and a big pile of treasure." He nodded, agreeing with his own logic. "We are so fucked." He leaned, peering into the open crack of the door.

Its scales glistened with a flash of scintillating color as the feeble light from the dirty window reflected off its ebony hide. Its belly was ivory, its talons were grey and its eyes were blazing crimson. Teeth flashed, fangs so big it couldn’t close its mouth properly, making quick work of armor and bone as it shredded its Goblin meal. Chunks of Goblin meat dribbled freely from its maw as it chewed.

Shard leaned back, out of the doorway, beckoning the Corporal over with a jerk of his head. "So, let me get this straight: you spot a glint of gold through the crack of a door while running through a strange castle and find a huge mass of treasure, not noticing the giant black dragon sleeping on top of it?"

The Corporal looked confused. "What dragon?"

Shard nodded understanding his corporal was suffering from a bad case of ‘Treasure Fixated Tunnel Vision Syndrome’ or T.F.F.V.S. "You know, this all belongs to the Emperor, right?"

The Corporal’s enthusiasm faded. "Oh, uh, of course, sir."

Shard rested a fatherly hand on the Corporal’s shoulder. "But he doesn’t need to know about every penny does he? If you catch my drift."

The Corporal nodded slowly, his enthusiasm returning. "Oh, right." He smiled dubiously. "Wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

Shard laughed breathlessly. "Yes, well here’s what I want you to do: Run in there and grab a big box of gold and we’ll split it 50-50, how’s that?"

"Oh! Thank you, sir!" He saluted sharply, almost knocking himself unconscious.

Shard unbuckled the Corporal’s baldric as the thug swooned. "And that gold’s heavy. Here, let me hold this for you so you can carry that much more treasure."

"That’s most considerate of you, sir."

"Run along now." Shard patted him affectionately on the head and slammed the door behind him. Smiley shoved a chair against the door. "We are so fucking fucked," he said, handing the baldric to Smiley who wasted no time in putting it on. "Come on! We’re getting out of here."

Corporal Smiley ran after him. "But how?"

He waved him off. "Don’t fucking talk to me, you’ll make me forget the plan." He shouted back, bursting into the grand hall. "Alright! Listen up, maggots! We’re leaving!" He reached up to a rotted tapestry and tore off a wide strip. He picked up a broken chair leg and wound the cloth around the leg. "I need some oil." He looked at a Goblin treating the wounded. "Is that healing oil?"

The Medic nodded. "It’s for the wounded."

Shard snatched the bottle. "The wounded will be left behind to delay a hungry black dragon coming this way," he said overly loud. He then shouted: "Anyone here wounded?" Everyone shook their heads as they clambered up to their feet, some balancing on stumps. "Excellent. Warriors all." He poured the oil onto his makeshift torch. "Hey, bomb boy, get over here!" Shard shoved the torch at him. "Take this and my flint and steel. Listen carefully: when I tell you, and I mean when I specifically fucking tell you, light this torch. Then, when I say so and not a fucking moment sooner, you shove that torch over your shoulder into the bung hole and complete your prime directive. You got that?" When Forring nodded, Shard slapped him on the back, then pushed him towards the gate, waving over Goblins with shields. Shard peered through the open gate at the long, winding road that snaked along the narrow spine of the rocky hill. At the end, the men mulled around in a loose, column-formation, three men wide. Shard pulled back, silently cursing himself. Even with Goblin shields to protect him from Elven arrows and perfect detonation timing, he would at best only blow up the first few ranks. He needed another plan.

It was leaning against the wall.

He ran over and picked up the Goblin banner, holding it aloft. "Listen, everybody! Here is the plan, we are going to pretend..." He stopped as the realized who he was talking to. "Everyone is going to follow this banner! Wherever it goes, everyone follows." He searched the faces in front of him. "Who’s a good runner? You? Good! Hold this." He handed him the banner. You stick to me like a booger, got that?" He grabbed Forring. "You lucked out, I’m not going to have to blow you up just yet." He peered up the stairs. "How’s it coming up there?"

A head appeared in the trap door. "The Gnomish thing is busted. We found a hammer and were about halfway through smashing the chain."

"Thank Grumesh’s rotting tusk. Stop that until I tell you. Is there a rope up there?"

"There’s one attached to this warning bell."

"Tie it so you can climb down on the outside of the tower," Shard instructed. "When I tell you to, smash the chain, and when the gate drops, climb down that rope on the outside of the castle and run to the banner. Got it?"

He shook his head. "Nope, we don’t have the banner up here."

Shard grit his teeth. "You’ll figure it out." He turned as he heard the echo of a door smash from the west wing. "Okay, you shields, to the front!" He elbowed his way behind them, gripping the front thug’s belt firmly. He then grabbed the belt of the thug holding the banner. "Forward, march! Double time, march! Run! Run!" At the run, he steered the Goblin column, four thug wide ranks, down the twisting road, peering through the spaces of the front shields. He could see the men readying their weapons, the thrice-damned Elves knocking their arrows. "Shields up! Shields up!" The air whistled with deadly shafts, striking on the upraised shields with a heavy thunk. "Closer! Keep your ranks tight!" Below, he could see the men ready to receive the charge, their spears at the ready. He could see the whites of their eyes.

Shard drew sharply on the shield in front of him, pulling him back. "Turn! Turn!" He drew the banner carrier around. "Run! To the castle, follow the banner!" He shoved the shield into the mass of Goblins running down the hill and plowed his way back up the hill, dragging the banner carrier behind him. Arrows rained down through the confused shields as the Goblin column reversed direction, stumbling over themselves, trampling each other, desperately trying to follow the banner.

Over the din of clanging armor and howling Goblins, Shard could hear the triumphant shout of men as they charged up the hill after the hapless Goblins, incensed for the easy kill.

Shard’s heart pounded, his lungs blazed with fire and desperation. His feet throbbed from running on the stony ground and from being stepped on by the mass of Goblin’s around him. He charged on, up the treacherous hill, towards the open gates of the castle.

The black dragon stood on the drawbridge, its ivory belly exposed as it rose on its hind legs and roared like the drum of thunder, shaking Shard’s body to the bone. He tugged on the banner-carrier’s belt, shoving him off the narrow road and down the rocky hill before diving after him, rolling uncontrollably down the steep climb.

Lighting flashed across his eyes as his turtle helm struck a rock. Shard swooned, blearily looking up towards the road. He could see the wings of the dragon, flapping to add speed to its run, chasing the men–the slow, soft and tasty men–down the hill.

He looked around the scattered Goblin bodies trying to rouse themselves from the fall. He crawled over to the banner carrier. "Give me that. I have a special mission for you. Come with me." He took the banner and passed it over to Smiley, then scrambled up the hill. At the road, he watched the slaughter below. The men tried to spear the armored hide of the beast, but the dragon slapped them aside with great sweeps of its wing. It vomited a torrent stream of fire, immolating those that tried to run.

Shard turned to his carrier. "Listen, you running cunt. I want you to stand on the drawbridge and when I tell you, start the Spring Festive Fever Fucking Dance. Then when the dragon starts to chase you, run into the castle, run all the way around and come back here. Do you understand?" The Goblin nodded nervously, gulping. Shard rested a hand on his shoulder. "Do as I say and you won’t get eaten." Shard then looked to the tower. "Are you guys ready?"

A Goblin head pushed through the arrow slit. "We looked all over the place, but we can’t find any banner."

"Just get ready to smash the chain that holds the gate!" Shard peered down the road at the dragon who was now stomping men into the dirt. He grabbed his runner and pushed him up to the road. "Dance! Dance, my little pixie! Dance!" Shard ducked behind a rock as the Goblin started strutting around on the drawbridge, hooting and thrusting his hips in a most provocative way.

Down below, the dragon looked up, a wriggling leg stuck in his teeth, at the little Goblin parading around on the drawbridge.

Its drawbridge.

It spat out the leg and roared with shuddering anger. Flapping its wings, it charged up the hill. Shard could feel the ground tremble as the dragon approached, a wave of stench rolling before it. He watched the brave Goblin turn and flee into the castle, driving the dragon to fury.

Shard scrambled up onto the road, waving at Smiley. "Get up here with the banner! Everyone, get up here." He turned to the tower. "Hey tower! Smash the chain!"

The Goblin head looked down at him. "Uh, small problem, sir. Nud chewed through the chain when we weren’t looking."

Shard felt his jaw opening and closing. "What the fuck is holding up the gate then?"

The Goblin’s ears flexed, shrugging. "Dunno. Maybe it’s rusted."

"By Masterly’s slow dripping cock!" he swore. "Get down from there and follow the banner!" Shard looked around, grabbing Smiley’s arm. "Take the banner down the hill, run! Kill any men you find. Now go!" He then looked for Forring. "Your destiny awaits! Come here, bomb boy. Hold out your torch." Shard took his flint and steel and quickly sparked the torch to flame. "Hold it up and away from the keg. Stand over here, right in front of the gate. Now when the dragon is about to bite you, shove that flame into the bung hole. Understand?"

Forring saluted, smacking himself in the head with the torch.

Shard slapped Forring in the head to put out his flaming hair. "Go, and may Quonte look upon you with contempt!" Shard turned and started trotting down the hill. He glanced back at Forring standing on the drawbridge, his legs braced, his torch upraised, his arm trembling. Echoing from the mouth of the castle, the dragon’s chilling roar sounded.

Shard hurried his pace. Up ahead, he could see his Goblins attacking the half-dead Humans, stripping their steel weapons and armor from their dying bodies and shouting: "We’re counter-attacking! We’re counter-attacking!"

Suddenly Shard’s runner burned past him. Shard turned, looking back up the hill and fear overflowed in his heart.

The dragon stood in the gateway, eyes burning, its oversized fangs dripping with blood. Forring stood before it, trembling, his shiny armor rattling, the torch in his hand.

Shard screamed. "Now! Forring! Blow it!"

Forring looked back over his shoulder, his eyes wider than a rabbit’s, face frozen in terror.

"The prime directive!" Shard shouted. "The Black Dirt That Blows Stuff Up!"

Forring’s lips silently mumbled, ‘prime directive’ as he turned and faced the dragon.

Forring look a deep breath, held the torch high over his head and shouted, "BOOM!"

The dragon looked at him, reared back and let out a howling roar that shook the castle walls. Streams of rust rained as the portcullis gate dropped down, trapping the dragon within.

Shard looked heavenward. "Feckling’s exploding zit! Pus be praised!" He waved at Forring. "Come on!"

Forring nodded, an absurd smile on his face as laughter built within his lungs, a nervous laughter that built to a painful shrill of delight. He tossed the torch into the dry moat with a wave, completely unaware that behind him, tendrils of flame curled around the dragon’s toothy maw, building to a mane of white-hot fire.

Shard screamed at Forring to run for his life, but Forring only cupped his ear an instant before vanishing in a cascade of brimstone.

In that instant, Tech Lieutenant Forring completed his prime directive with a flash of lighting and thunder.

White smoke obscured the front of the castle. Chunks of stone fell from the sky. The gate, the drawbridge, Forring and the dragon were gone.

Shard wiped grimy sweat from his brow, his mono-brow knitting as he tried to figure out how they were going to get across the moat to get all that treasure.

From the moat, a massive, taloned paw reached up and grabbed hold of the edge of the drawbridge.

"By Thromgul’s cancerous wart!" Shard swore as he turned and fled. "Everyone run! Go, follow the banner." He glanced over his shoulder as the dazed dragon’s head cleared the lip of the moat and was looking around. Shard put on a burst of speed to get around the bend and out of the dragon’s sight. Up ahead, he could see the Goblins amassing confusedly at a fork in the road. "Go left!" he shouted, as he ran up and watched as they suddenly split into three groups: one left, one right, and one back the way they came. Shard held out his arms to stop the group coming at him. "There, that way!" he shouted, pointing. He then ran to the right to catch up with that group and re-direct them, spotting Smiley in the crowd. "Come here!" he shouted, grabbing three other thugs with him. He pointed to a mile marker on the side of the road. "Here, Smiley, whip it out, hurry, hose it down. The rest of you, head down that way and wait for me." As they shuffled away, he turned back to Smiley who was looking confusedly at him. "What the fuck are you waiting for? Your schwankle, whip it out." Shard sighed tiredly as he remembered he hadn’t explained the latest, twisted plan. "That dragon is going to run us down like it did those Humans. We’re going to scent this side of the trail and lead him away from the army." He pointed to the mile marker. "Now piss! I need you to take the banner and direct the thugs to the muster point on the knoll we were at yesterday. Remember? I’ll take these thugs and lead the dragon away."

Smiley nodded. "Yeah, I can do that, that I can." He looked at his schwankle in his hand. "But I can’t piss."

Shard’s mono-brow lowered. "I order you to fucking pee, right fucking now!"

Smiley’s lip trembled. "Your making it worse!"

Shard relented, stepping behind Smiley and massaging the Goblin’s shoulders through his padded armor. "All right, thug, just relax. Take a breath, close your eyes and think of a running brook." Shard launched his fist into Smiley’s right kidney. "Anything?"

When Smiley stopped howling, he looked down through teary eyes. "Oh, I’m pissin now, that I am."

"Good, when your done, take the banner up there. You got that lieutenant’s baldric?"

Smiley face flashed guiltily. "It was just on the floor. I figured you might need it later."

Shard snarled. "You conniving, treacherous fuck. You’re promoted. Now lead the troops out of here. I’ll catch up with you as soon as I get rid of the dragon."

Smiley tied up his pants. "Shard, you’re the bravest Goblin ever!"

"Don’t fucking suck up to me! I’m power hungry. I have my own army and no fucking overgrown lizard is gonna take it from me!" He turned to the other thugs down the road. "You! Pee! There! Now!" After seeing what happened to Smiley, he had no problem soaking the post Shard had pointed at. Leading them in tow, Shard scented the trail leading up to an old farm. Shard ran up to the broken front steps, schwankle already in hand, and whized. "By Xoreckle’s pimply ass!" he roared, writing his name on the steps. "That should do it."

The thug behind him pointed to the farm house. "Sir, someone here to see you."

Shard looked up the steps as he put his schwankle away. "What the fuck, can’t a Goblin piss in peace?" Shard’s vison focused on the pointed tines of the pitch fork aimed at his face. "Shit for brains, why didn’t you tell me the farmer was coming out of the house?"

"I was watching you pee."

Shard nodded, looking up at the farmer, flashing a toothy, friendly smile at him. "Hey! You old fleshy bastard. There’s a big fucking dragon coming to take a shit on your shack, hey?" The farmer only jabbed a warning with his fork. "Hey you dumb shit, run for your life! Dragon coming." Shard put his fingers against the side of his head making dragon ears. "He’s gonna eat you!"

The thug behind him spoke up. "Sir, why are you warning the human? Let him be dragon chow."

Shard glanced back. "Because the dragon might chase him and then we can get away." He looked back to the old man. "Dragon. Understand, dragon? Grrr, Grrrr!"

The old man’s eyes grew as wide as plates as his pitch fork lowered.

"He’s getting it, sir," the thug cheered.

"Grrr, Grrr Grrr!" Shard chanted, prancing around. "Grrr! You old fuck."

The old man dropped his pitchfork and ran into the house.

"Fuck!" Shard planted his fists on his hips. "He was supposed to run out of the house."

"Sir?" one of the thugs called. "I think your plan to lead the dragon this way is working."

Shard spun hotly around. "I don’t need your dumb ass to tell me how good my plans are." He blinked as the acrid stench of dragon teared his eye. He looked up to see the dragon sniffing at the post on the side of the road. Shard sprang up the steps, blindly charging into the gloom of the farmer’s shack. Up ahead, he could see the silhouette of the farmer running with a chicken tucked under his arm and shooing a little sheep out the back door. Shard plunged on, through the back door, in time to see the farmer disappear into a storm cellar and slam the door shut behind him.

Shard pounded on the bulkhead, but could only hear the farmer bolt it from within. Shard turned and ran towards the barn, his thugs running after him. As he ducked behind the door, he could hear the dragon smashing his way though the house.

Shard looked up at the rusting farm tools knowing they would be useless against the dragon’s invulnerable hide. The floor was strewn with hay and Shard contemplated setting it afire to mask their Goblin scent.

"I have an idea, sir," one of the thugs spoke up.

Shard was chipping flint sparks into the hay. "I don’t know what’s scarier: that dragon or you with a fucking idea." He blew on the flames.

"If we pee on the dragon’s tail, he’ll run around in circles chasing it and we can make a run for it."

Shard looked at him, waving the smoke away. "And what piss are you going to use? Have a spare bladder?"

"Actually, sir," the thug responded. "I’ve wet myself."

"Ah, no shit, maggot." Shard sneered. "You’ve been holding out on us." He stepped back from the gout of flame that shot up the tinder dry barn wall, suddenly realizing that setting fire to the barn while they were still in it was not the best idea. "And right now, I need you to piss on this fire before we all burn to death." Shard grabbed a rusted pick axe. "This way!" he shouted running to the back of the barn. He heaved the awkward tool and smashed easily through the back wall. He shoved through the new hole and could see a river. "Run to the water!" He shouted as he dashed down the trodden path. At the bank he skidded to a stop, looking back up to the barn, fully involved already, and the fire-proof dragon knocking it down with a negligent sweep of its tail.

Shard looked across the wide, fast flowing river and realized they were trapped. "By Allesive’s spit soddened beard!" He swore as he looked back a the dragon. "He’s following your piss scented pants. I think he’s a little peeved at us Goblins right now." Shard looked around quickly and spotted a little dinghy in the water, tied to a sodden log. "Who here knows how to work a boat?"

They looked at him desperately. None of them could swim, let alone know the complexities of a man boat. Shard took his sword and cut the boat tether. "It’s our only chance. Come here, diaper pants. You first."

The current grabbed the little boat and swept it quickly away. At the bank, the dragon roared in frustration, beating its wings harder and faster until it lifted into the air. The black dragon, an ominous shadow in the golden, afternoon sun, banked sharply, spiraling over the little boat and from its left nostril, snorted a fireball. In a firey instant, the boat was nothing more than burning splinters.

The dragon circled once, checking for survivors. Then with a snort, flew off back to its castle and its treasure.

From a sodded log, bubbles broke the surface and slowly Shard’s pointy ears breached the surface, soon followed by the rest of him. Assured the dragon was gone, he reached back into the water and, one at a time, fished out his thugs. Gasping, shivering wet and alive, they clambered up the bank. One had a fish in his mouth.

Shard took the fish. "Private, get three more of these and you’re a PFC."

The Goblin nodded and ducked back into the water. Shard started ripping the fish apart with his tusks.

"That was a brilliant plan, sir," one of the thugs spoke up.

"Shut the fuck up." Shard said, spitting partially chewed fish at him. "Mr. Bed-wetter, we would have been long gone if it weren’t for your pissed soaked pants." He fished a bone from out of his teeth.

"I’m sorry, sir." he said dejectedly. "Um, when do I get my pants back, sir?"

Shard’s mono-brow rose. "When you swim the fuck out there and find it among the burning pieces of boat." He watched as the fishing thug came up with another fish. "Now listen up, thugs. We’re gonna have a bite to eat, wait till it gets a little darker, then run to catch up with the rest of the thugs before fucking Smiley makes himself a captain and tries to steal my thugs."