MAFUS REVIEWS:

When I was studying film at Virginia Commonwealth University (stop laughing, damn you) there was one great mystery that was never solved, one question that was left unanswered. That question was this:

Say you're a music video director and you're making your first Hollywood movie. A kick-ass action movie with big stars, big explosions and big money behind it. Only problem is, you only have forty minutes of screenplay and the asshole producers inexplicably demand an hour-and-a-half. What do you do?

Fortunately for all us aspiring Spielbergs, Ballistic director Kaos (possibly the stupidest one-word moniker since, well, Mafus) has finally solved this quandry for us. When you need to turn your 40-minute script into a 90-minute movie that feels like 3 hours, you just (why didn't I think of this) shoot two-thirds of your movie in slow motion!!! I swear to God, they must have shot this movie in two days.

Okay, enough ill-conceived sarcasm. If you haven't guessed by now, I hated this moronic pile of garbage. It seems silly to get this worked up over a badly made movie. It's just a bad movie. But the fact that so many good movies don't get made while crap like this is inflicted on an unsuspecting public is just infuriating. The worst part is there are so many talented people (excluding...snicker...Kaos) working on this film.

Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu should fire their agents for allowing them to be in this crap.

Banderas stars as former FBI agent Jeremiah Ecks who...

You know what? Normally I'd give a plot synopsis, then go into what was wrong (or right) with the story or the direction or whatever. Blah, blah, blah. But this movie didn't have any of that. It just sucked. F@#* it. End of review.