Here we are, back with the *seventh* story in the "Sweet Dreams"
series. Yes, it is now officially the "Sweet Dreams" series; everyone I
heard from seems to like it as a series title, and it has the advantage
that I've been using it from the start. (Sorry Sarah!)
The previous six stories in the series are as follows: "Sweet Dreams",
"Jitterbug", "Aftershocks", "Rose Garden", "Plush Toy", and
"Sleepwalking". If you're missing any stories, or pieces thereof, you
can get them from the above-listed web site, or you can check the ASC
archives, or you can try R'rain's slash page, or DejaNews. If all else
fails, you can e-mail me at
maisierita@comcast.net and ask for what
you're missing.
Enough of the administrative details, on to the serious intro for
"Jabberwocky":
"Jabberwocky", you cry? Why "Jabberwocky"? Several reasons. 1) I
like short, pithy titles. 2) I don't like serious titles for light reading
material. 3) I was inspired (same thing with "Jitterbug"). 4) It's got
"jabber" in it, and to jabber means to talk, which is the main topic of
this story, so it seemed somehow appropriate. 5) Using it gave me a
good excuse to thumb through "Through the Looking Glass". (Which
reminds me how irritated I got when Kira referenced it at the end of
the first DS9 Mirror Universe episode ("Crossover," I believe) ... pretty
out-of-character for a Bajoran who admittedly knows little, if
anything, about non-Bajoran culture to be quoting Lewis Carroll!)
In case you were wondering, this story begins a day or two after
"Sleepwalking" left off.
*****
"JABBERWOCKY"
by Maisie (maisierita@comcast.net)
Copyright 1997
(Voy, C/P, NC-17, 1/8)
DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns everything related to Voyager and
its cast. I am borrowing a few of my favorite characters during the
summer re-runs, but I'll return them in good condition. I promise.
WARNING WARNING WARNING!!! This story is rated NC-17 for
explicit descriptions of consensual sex between two men. If that
offends you, or you're under 18, stop right here. Seriously. I have no
wish to traumatize anybody, young or old, so please don't read on if
you'll be traumatized.
Feedback, as always, is warmly welcomed at the above edress.
*****
Chakotay woke up when Tom rolled over, freeing Chakotay's hand. It
had been trapped under Tom's body for the last several hours, and was
totally numb. Chakotay braced himself for the awful case of pins and
needles he was going to get as the circulation was restored, and lay in
bed for a few more minutes, gritting his teeth as the pain washed over
him. Ouch. Damn, he hated that.
When the worst of it had passed, and he was able to move his fingers
again, he turned to the nightstand and checked the chronometer.
0633. Good morning, Big Man, he sighed to himself. He was up for
good, he knew that; no hope of getting back to sleep when the
chronometer was set for 0715 anyway. He'd be up every two minutes,
checking the time, waiting in paranoid anticipation for the alarm to
ring.
So he was up. He thought about his options. He could lie in bed for
the next 45 minutes, watching Tom sleep. Not an unpleasant way to
spend the early morning, really. Tom was a restless sleeper, most of
the night, and it was only from around 4 to 7 that he'd lie there,
peaceful and calm, face totally smooth. Absolutely beautiful. An
angel in the flesh. Chakotay snorted to himself and cut off that train
of thought abruptly. Don't get carried away mooning over your
boyfriend, Chakotay. It's embarrassing.
Another option: He could wake Tom up. After Tom bitched and
moaned about it for a few minutes, they could fool around. Certainly
an attractive choice, but, on the other hand, they hadn't gotten a lot of
sleep last night. They'd spent the night in Chakotay's quarters, and
Tom had been up pacing from 2 to 3:30 before Chakotay dragged him
back to bed and had gotten him to sleep the only way that seemed to
work. Again. Chakotay mentally shook his head in frustration. They
*had* to get past this. Get past it or spend every night in Tom's
quarters, because there was just no way he was up to these middle-of-
the-night marathons every night, and Tom needed his sleep, too.
Option 3. Get up, get showered, and have breakfast. Let Tom sleep.
Probably the best thing to do, all things considered. He gave himself a
few more minutes of lying in bed, watching Tom sleep, before picking
himself up and struggling into the shower. Spirits, he was achy.
Pains in muscles he hadn't known he had. Lately, Tom was getting
downright adventurous. Last night they'd made love in that big easy
chair in the outer room, in a fairly awkward position, and somewhere
in the middle the chair had tipped over, dumping them rather
unceremoniously on the floor. Not that they'd really minded, but
somehow, in the ensuing rearrangement, Tom had ended up on top
and Chakotay was on the bottom and Tom got *really* vigorous and
now ... Chakotay ached all over. Several bite marks, a few bruises,
and a bad case of rug burn to boot.
Chakotay supposed he could report to Sickbay, and have the Doctor fix
him up, but, gods, the last time he'd done that the Doctor had insisted
on knowing *exactly* how he'd gotten each particular bruise, and
Chakotay wasn't sure he could handle that much humiliation again.
The damn hologram had even taken *notes*. His face burned again at
the memory, and he thrust his head under the water to cool it off.
It wasn't until he was toweling himself dry that he realized what day it
was, and he could have sworn he felt his stomach drop down through
his feet, and into Ensign Carell's quarters a deck below. Holy spirits.
It was The Day. The three months they'd agreed upon were over, and
it was time for The Talk. Oh gods. Chakotay felt his heart speed up,
and when he looked down, he was unsurprised to find his hands
trembling as well. Shit. Shit shit shit. Damn. Gods, they'd discussed
this a few days before -- they'd both known The Day was coming fast -
- and they'd agreed to have The Talk over dinner. Tonight. Tom had
even made a reference to it last night, but at the time Chakotay hadn't
been thinking too coherently --- kind of hard with Tom's tongue in his
ear -- and the comment had passed Chakotay by completely.
No wonder Tom had been pacing last night. As nervous as Chakotay
was, Tom seemed to be feeling it a hundred times worse. And
Chakotay *was* nervous, no doubt about it, he was *damn* nervous,
nervous about The Talk itself, and even more nervous about what the
outcome of The Talk was going to be. It was a distinct possibility, he
knew, that he was going to ask Tom for a level of commitment that
Tom simply wasn't prepared to handle, and that Tom would choose to
call the whole thing off rather than risk getting too deeply involved. If
that happened, Chakotay knew he just *couldn't* afford to give Tom
any more time; there was too much at stake, his feelings for Tom were
spiraling dangerously out of control. It was more than just lust, he was
in love with Tom and falling in deeper with each passing day. Tom
was in love with him, too, Chakotay *knew* that with unshakable
certainty, but Tom hadn't come to grips with it yet; every time the
subject was raised, Tom got an utterly panicked expression in his eyes.
Tom was afraid of it, completely, honestly, deeply afraid of it, and
Chakotay was afraid that in a fight between Tom's emotions, fear
would best love.
Regardless, it had to end tonight. Chakotay couldn't take much more
of this indefinite limbo into which he'd voluntarily placed himself, and
tonight was the agreed-upon deadline for a serious talk about their
relationship. So at the end of the evening, he and Tom would either
be together as lovers, *true* lovers, bodies and souls, hearts and
minds, or it would be ... over. Oh gods. A shock of true dread ran
through him, chilled him, and for the first time he felt a tiny bit of
uncertainty that he'd have the courage of his convictions, that he'd
really be able to call it off if Tom asked him for more time.
Showered and dressed, he stood in the doorway to the bedroom,
watching Tom sleep. Tom had rolled over and had spread out in the
middle of the bed, taking up most of it. He was lying on his stomach,
and Chakotay could see the bruises covering his back, some new, some
old. Gods, Tom marked up easier than any lover he'd ever had, and
for some reason, he didn't like to use the regenerator to get rid of the
bruises. Chakotay thought, miserably, that if things didn't work out,
there might be no more bruises ... they'd never make love again ...
Cutting off that thought, he left the room quickly, and headed off to
the mess hall.
*****
"Good morning, Commander."
Chakotay looked up from his unidentifiable and unappetizing
breakfast to find Megan Delaney standing in front of him, tray in her
hands.
"Good morning, Ensign," he said neutrally, a little surprised to see her
there.
"Do you mind if I sit down?" she asked. At his querying look, she
added, "Only if you're not busy, I mean."
"No, no," he said. "I'm not busy. Have a seat."
Megan sat down gracefully. "Where's Tom?" she asked, as she began
to investigate the contents of her tray.
"He was still sleeping when I left," Chakotay answered. "He hates
getting up early, and I didn't want to wake him before the alarm went
off, because when I do that, he gets very ... grumpy."
Megan laughed lightly. "*That's* an understatement if I've ever heard
one. Wake him up 5 minutes before he has to be up, and he'll
complain about it for days. He can be a real pain-in-the-ass
sometimes."
Chakotay had to agree, and added, "Actually, I've noticed that he's
worse when he hasn't had enough sleep the night before. Then he gets
*really* cranky in the morning, no matter how late you let him sleep."
"Why, Commander Chakotay," Megan teased, "are you keeping poor
Tom up past his bedtime?"
Chakotay flushed, not sure how to respond to that, when another high-
pitched voice chimed in, "Now, Meg, be nice to the Commander. He's
not used to your warped sense of humor." Jenny Delaney's smile was
bright and cheerful as she took the empty seat next to her sister.
Megan answered smoothly, "He's put up with Tom for this long. He
should be immune to teasing by now."
Jenny cocked her head thoughtfully. "You may be right." She took a
sip of a pink colored juice and made a pleasantly surprised face.
"Mmm, this is pretty good, whatever it is." Another sip of juice, then
she said, "Commander, I have to hand it to you. I never thought I'd
see the day when Tom Paris would be involved in even a *semi*-stable
relationship. The man spooks easier than an Volarian sand crab."
Megan laughed in agreement, then turned to Chakotay. "Have you
gotten him to use the 'c' word yet?"
Chakotay was confused. "The 'c' word?"
"Commitment," Megan and Jenny chimed in unison.
"Who's getting committed?" Chakotay turned around to find Sue
Nicoletti standing behind him. She pulled out the empty chair next to
him and sat down.
Jenny answered Sue's question, "Tom."
Sue looked stunned and turned to Chakotay. "Are you telling me you
got *Paris* to talk about commitment?"
"No," Chakotay said, laughing at Sue's obvious disbelief.
"Good," Sue said, wiping her brow in mock relief. "I was afraid I'd
fallen into one of those damn alternate universes." She thought about
it for a minute, then continued, "Although, come to think of it, maybe
I have. Tom's been seeing you exclusively since that big blow out last
month, right?"
"As far as I know," Chakotay answered.
All three women shook their heads. "I can't believe it. You must be
doing something right," Sue said.
"Yeah," Jenny agreed. "What do you have that we don't?"
"Other than the obvious..." Megan said with a too innocent look on her
face.
"Megan!" Jenny said, rolling her eyes. "Behave."
"Relax, Jen," Megan said, laughing. "If Commander Chakotay
couldn't handle a little sexual innuendo with his omelet, he'd never
have lasted this long with Tom."
Chakotay poked at the formless blob on his plate. "Is this really
supposed to be an omelet?"
"So Neelix claims," Megan answered. She leaned forward and
lowered her voice a bit, "Seriously, Commander, now that the three
month trial period is almost over, what's going to happen with you and
Tom?"
Chakotay was a little nonplused, and it must have shown in his face,
because Megan patted his arm gently and said, "You didn't think Tom
told anyone what this relationship was all about, did you?"
"Honestly, no," Chakotay said, "except for Harry, and Tom swore him
to secrecy."
Megan laughed lightly. "Once your -- affair -- was public knowledge,
Tom thought I had a right to know the whole story, seeing as how I
was an unwitting player in this little drama... He came to my quarters
one night and told me everything. He let me tell Sue and Jenny, but
made us promise to keep it to ourselves, otherwise."
"Oh," Chakotay said, not sure how he felt about this. He still wasn't
quite comfortable around Megan, or Jenny and Sue, for that matter.
Jenny smiled gently. "We *have* kept it to ourselves, you know. And
that's *hard* for us. What great gossip!" She sighed theatrically.
"But Megan's right. By our reckoning, the three months is over
tonight."
Chakotay looked at the three women carefully as comprehension
dawned. "Ah, so *that's* why you've descended on me for breakfast
this morning. You want to know what's going to happen next."
Megan grinned. "It's not that you're not good company, Commander,
but we don't really move in the same circles, do we?"
Chakotay had to agree. Then he frowned. "I wish I had something
concrete to tell you, but the truth is, I have no idea what Tom's
planning. We *are* going to have a talk tonight, but as to what the
outcome of that talk will be, I have no idea."
Megan looked at him speculatively. "Well, what do *you* want from
this relationship? I assume you're not completely satisfied with it as it
stands now?"
"No, I'm not. It's not that the ... physical ... side isn't very satisfying --"
Chakotay looked up to see knowing smiles passed around the table,
and rolled his eyes, "-- but I need something more than that. A
stronger commitment."
"Maybe you could get married," Sue suggested jokingly.
Chakotay had to laugh. "Are you kidding? If I even brought it up,
Tom would be out of the room so fast he'd leave warp trails behind
him."
"And skid marks down the corridor," Jenny added. "It's like I said. A
Volarian sand crab."
"It's a shame, really," Sue said, taking a delicate bite of her omelet. "I
think the two of you make a really cute couple. And god knows *I*
couldn't put up with Tom for three solid months. All that teasing ..."
Megan shook her head. "Yeah, but what about the sex, Sue? Surely
that would count for something."
Sue nodded her head to concede the point. "Mmm. The sex *would*
count for a lot." Her eyes got a little glazed. "Did I ever tell you about
the time we were accidentally locked in the holodeck for three hours?"
"Yes," Megan said, slightly exasperated. "Repeatedly."
"Oh," Sue said dreamily, "but it was so --"
"We *know*," Jenny said. "Amazing. Unbelievable. We've all heard
it before."
Chakotay cleared his throat quietly, and Megan giggled. "Actually,
Jen, Commander Chakotay probably hasn't heard it. Go on,
Commander, ask her. I'm sure Sue will love to fill you in on all the
gory details."
"That's quite all right, thank you," Chakotay said, demurring.
"Oh, Commander," Jenny said, laughing, "don't tell me you're
*embarrassed* by this conversation. It's so tame. The stories we
could tell you about Tom ..." She trailed off and looked at him
thoughtfully.
Megan caught the glance and turned her eyes to Chakotay as well.
"Maybe that's not a bad idea," she said, mischievously. "We could
give you some ideas; a few ways to keep things interesting between
you and Tom."
Chakotay was getting decidedly uncomfortable at the turn of the
conversation. Much as he enjoyed sex, he wasn't particularly
comfortable discussing it. Especially not with these particular women.
Despite his embarrassment, Megan continued, "For instance,
Commander, have you ever noticed how sensitive the spot right
beneath Tom's left collarbone is?"
Chakotay coughed a little bit. "No," he managed to say, "I can't say
that I have."
Jenny and Sue leaned in close to the table. Sue brought her voice
down to a whisper. "Oh, Commander, you've *got* to try biting him
there. You won't believe the reaction you get."
Jenny agreed, nodded her head enthusiastically. "Absolutely wild!
He'll be bucking you off the bed. And if you follow that up
immediately with a kiss to the base of his throat--"
"--he lets out this *beautiful* moan," Sue said, sighing. "Then if you
bite that spot beneath his collarbone again--"
"--he'll scream," Megan finished. "Guaranteed."
Chakotay found himself getting interested despite himself. "A hard
bite, or a soft one?"
"Oh, soft, definitely," Sue said, and Megan and Jenny nodded their
agreement. "If you break the skin, he'll get upset, and it will spoil the
mood."
Jenny tapped one finger on the table, making a point. "If you do it
right," she said, and had the grace to look just a *little* bit
embarrassed, "and he's, ummm ... close to ... you know ... well, it'll
send him right over the edge." Sue and Megan nodded in sage
agreement.
Chakotay caught himself making mental notes, and laughed to
himself. He had to ask, "Do the three of you sit around comparing
notes on *all* the men on the crew?"
"No," Megan giggled. "Only the good ones."
A cough above them alerted them to Tom's presence. He stood there,
holding a breakfast tray, Harry at his side. Tom was shaking his head
and scowling. "This *can't* be good," he said to Harry.
"Why not?" Harry asked, a grin on his face. "Three of your former
lovers having breakfast with your current one? Just imagine what
they've been talking about."
Tom frowned. "I don't have to imagine it. That's the whole problem."
Chakotay offered, "Do you want to sit down? We can pull up some
extra chairs."
"No, that's o.k.," Tom said, surprising Chakotay a little bit. "Harry
and I have some things to discuss. We won't interrupt you. I just
came by to thank you for not waking me this morning."
Megan looked at Tom with an evil glint in her eye. "He knew you
needed your sleep, Tom, after last night..." Her voice was deliberately
suggestive, and Tom blushed scarlet.
"You see!" he complained to Harry. "This is *exactly* what I was
afraid of." He turned to Chakotay. "What did you tell her?"
"Nothing," Chakotay said. "I swear!" He glared at Megan, who was
trying hard not to laugh.
"Uh huh." Tom didn't believe him. "That's what you said the other
time. Why are you always talking about me in the mess hall when I'm
not around to defend myself?"
"I'm *not*. I didn't say anything to Megan. She's just trying to get
under your skin, Tom, and doing a pretty good job of it. I didn't say
anything the other time, either, by the way."
"Right. Then how did B'Elanna know to ask about the re-" Tom cut
himself off before he finished the word 'restraints', and glanced
helplessly at Harry, who was struggling to wipe the grin off his face.
Sue was quick to pick up the trail. "*What* other time? What did
B'Elanna ask about? Some kinky sex toy? Some bizarre sexual
position? The bananas?"
"Bananas?" Chakotay couldn't help but blurt out.
"Oh gods," Tom groaned, looking around the room in desperation.
"Harry, can't we go sit down now?"
"No, I want to hear about the bananas, too." He'd given up on trying
to keep a straight face, and was grinning widely.
"Don't you know about them, Harry?" Megan asked, surprised. "I
thought for sure Tom would have told you about the time he and I--"
"Megan!" Tom interrupted. "Shut up."
"But, Tom, it was so much-"
"Do you *really* want me to post that picture of you from Tarsa IV on
the ship's net?"
"But," she spluttered, "you swore you'd get rid of it!"
"I changed my mind," Tom shrugged. "I thought it might come in
handy someday."
Megan eyed him speculatively. "I think you're lying."
"Maybe," he admitted. "Are you really willing to risk it?"
"Maybe," she echoed. "It's such a great story..." Tom glared at her
furiously and she subsided. "All right," she said, conceding, "I won't
tell it. This time."
Tom sighed. "Harry," he pleaded, "can we *please* go sit down now?
I knew I should never have come over here. It's too early in the
morning for this."
Harry took pity on him and nodded. "There's an empty table by the
window. Let's go. See you later," he said to the table at large, and
walked away.
Tom leaned down to the table. "I don't think I like you sitting with
these three, Teddy. They're a bad influence. And *you*," he said to
Megan pointedly, "are the worst of them all."
"I know," she said sweetly. "I'm just *awful*. That's why you love
me." She blew him a kiss, and waved him away. "Now go on.
Harry's waiting for you."
Tom grunted and walked away. Chakotay tracked him with his eyes,
then turned back to the table. He shook his head in admiration. "I'm
way out of my league here, ladies," he said, clapping softly. "I've
*never* seen Tom that flustered before."
"Oh, it's easy to get Tom flustered," Jenny said. "He likes to pretend
he's so worldly, but he's really kind of inhibited."
"I don't think inhibited is the right word," Sue said. "Repressed,
maybe. I mean, he really enjoys sex, but when you want to try
something a little ... unusual, he gets kind of freaked out."
"Yeah, but you usually *can* convince him to try it," Megan said. "I
mean, I was able to get him to try the bananas, eventually. He agreed
afterwards that it was worth it."
Chakotay couldn't help himself. "Try *what* with the bananas?"
Megan grinned. "Sorry, Commander. I promised Tom I wouldn't tell
that story today. You'll just have to worm it out of him." She stood
picked up her tray and stood up to leave, followed in quick order by
Jenny and Sue. "Good luck, tonight, Commander."
"Thanks," he said. "I'll need it." After they left, he poked for a few
minutes at his now cold and even more unappetizing omelet, then gave
up and cleared his tray. Time to get to the morning briefing, and get
the day started.
-----
End Part 1
*****
The briefing was strictly routine. Neelix had obtained a star map of
the surrounding systems, and one planet in particular boasted a rich
and flourishing flora, from which they'd be able to restock their food
supplies, and potentially pick up some valuable mineral ores. Janeway
agreed to a restocking mission, and ended the meeting.
Chakotay had almost made it out the door before Janeway called him
aside. "Commander," she said briskly, "I'd like to discuss a few
personnel issues with you. It will only take a few minutes."
Chakotay replaced 'personnel' in his mind with its close relative,
'personal', and laughed to himself. He wondered distractedly if
anybody else were fooled by Janeway's pretense. He doubted it.
Attempting to keep a poker face, he said in as business-like a tone as
he could muster, "Of course, Captain."
Janeway waited until the rest of the senior staff had filed out of the
briefing room before she waved Chakotay back into his seat.
"Tonight's the big night, right?"
"You too?" Chakotay said, slightly exasperated.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I was cornered by the Delaney sisters and Sue Nicoletti this
morning, wanting to know what was going to happen tonight."
"How did *they* know about it?"
Chakotay waved his arm around. "Tom!" He shook his head. "I can't
believe it. The man swears me to silence about this whole
arrangement, then he goes and tells Megan Delaney!"
"So? They're still friends, Chakotay. Good friends."
"I know." His voice was sullen.
"Don't tell me you're still jealous of her."
"No," Chakotay said, unconvincingly. "Not really."
"Oh, please, Chakotay. Get over it. Tom's not sleeping with her
anymore. You know that as well as I do. You have no reason to be
jealous."
"I know," Chakotay agreed grudgingly. "It drives me crazy, though,
the thought of him going to her cabin ... she definitely has a thing for
him, I don't care how many times they both deny it ... old habits die
hard, Kathryn. She might seduce him."
Janeway stared at him for an instant, and burst out laughing. "I wish
you could have heard yourself just now," she said, through the
laughter. "No, I wish *Tom* could have heard you. Good Lord,
Chakotay, he'd never let you live it down. All this time we've worked
together, I can't believe I never knew you could be so irrational."
"I'm not being irrational," he protested.
"You most certainly are," she retorted. "Tom goes to Megan's cabin to
talk about his relationship with *you*, and somehow, in your fevered
imagination, the evening ends up with Megan seducing him?" She
laughed at his defensive expression, and spoke again before he could.
"Really, Commander, I know you're attracted to Tom, and I'll admit
he's very attractive, but he's *not* irresistible. Megan knows how
important this relationship is to him; she's not going to do anything to
jeopardize that." Her voice got low, confiding a secret. "Anyway, I
don't know why you think she has a thing for Tom. She's interested in
Joe Carey, but he's got a wife and kids back home, so she's keeping her
distance."
"If she's interested in Carey, why was she sleeping with Tom?"
Janeway rolled her eyes. "Because she's not as puritanical as you are,
Chakotay. The Delaneys are Starfleet brats just like Tom ... they all
tend to have a very relaxed attitude towards sex. It's part of the
lifestyle."
Chakotay raised his eyebrows at her. "*You're* a Starfleet brat, too,
Kathryn."
Janeway grinned. "Why do you think I understand them so well?"
She stood up, walked to the replicator, and ordered herself a cup of
coffee. When she sat down again, she said, more seriously, "If the
Delaneys and Sue Nicoletti cornered you, then I guess I was right
about what day it was. It *is* today, isn't it?"
Chakotay drummed his fingers on the table. "Yes."
"Does Tom know it?"
"At least as well as I do. He mentioned it last night, but I wasn't really
paying attention ... I didn't realize until this morning what day it was."
"So, what's going to happen?"
"We're going to have a talk tonight, over dinner." He puffed out a
breath of air. "I'm nervous as hell."
Janeway looked at him over the rim of her coffee cup, eyes wide with
surprise. "Why? I thought everything was going very smoothly
between the two of you."
"It has been, mostly."
"Mostly?"
"Yes." He looked away for an instant, and spoke to the empty air. "I'm
in love with him, Kathryn. It's bad. Really bad. I haven't felt this
way since ... ... ... actually, I don't think I've *ever* felt this way
before."
"Mmm hmm," she encouraged, sipping her coffee.
"He's afraid of it. He doesn't like me to tell him I love him; you should
see the expression in his eyes when I slip up and say it anyway ... he's
petrified."
"Why?" Janeway was honestly surprised.
"Who the hell knows?" Chakotay was exasperated, and slapped his
hand down on the table in frustration. "Damned if I can figure it out,
and it's fucking *impossible* to get Tom to talk about it."
Janeway was a little taken aback. "Your language has deteriorated
since you've started seeing him, you know," she said gently. "You
never used to swear."
Chakotay reddened. "I'm sorry. You're right -- he curses all the time;
it must be wearing off on me." He chuckled, once. "He claims he
started doing it to annoy his father, and now it's just habit."
Janeway laughed too. "Tom obviously didn't know his father as well
as he thought, if he thought cursing would annoy him. Owen had the
*worst* mouth I've ever heard. Absolutely proper and correct on the
bridge, but get him in a bar, playing pool ... unbelievable. His favorite
was to curse in Romulan. Seems they have some particularly colorful
epithets."
Chakotay was laughing along with her. "Tom likes to curse in
Romulan too."
"I've told you before that Tom is a lot like his father," she said. She
raised one eyebrow speculatively. "They look alike too, you know.
You'd be amazed if you ever met Admiral Paris, Chakotay. Tom looks
exactly like him. *Exactly*."
Chakotay nodded. "I know. Tom showed me a picture of his family,
taken the day he entered the Academy."
"Really? How did he look?"
"Young. Skinny. Honestly, the word 'beanpole' came to mind, but I
thought it would be tactful not to say it. Tom doesn't like it when I
talk about his weight. Says he's been called too thin his entire life, and
he's sick of it."
"He's just pulling your leg. Men don't care about their weight."
"Oh, I don't know. Most of us are more concerned about it than
women realize. Tom and I almost got into a fight about it -- I was
nagging him to eat more. He got *really* angry..." A sudden wave of
apprehension washed over him, and he bit his lip.
Janeway sensed it, and placed a hand comfortingly on his arm. "Don't
worry, Chakotay. I'm sure the two of you will work it out."
"I hope so," Chakotay said, quietly.
"You love him, Chakotay," Janeway said firmly. "You'll work it out."
She patted him on the arm and stood up. "Come on, Commander.
We're due on the bridge."
The morning shift dragged on and on. Tom left for lunch at the
earliest opportunity, accompanied as usual by Harry. Chakotay would
often eat with them, but today, he thought, it would be better not to
talk to Tom. Not until dinner, not until it was officially time for The
Talk. He just couldn't see himself making casual conversation while,
with every passing second, The Talk drew closer and closer.
Gods, Big Man, you are getting ridiculous and melodramatic in your
old age. It's just a conversation. Stop capitalizing the damn thing. He
must have been shaking his head, because Janeway tapped him on the
arm and asked, "Are you all right?"
"Yes," he said, embarrassed. Gods. This was terrible.
Chakotay waited until Tom and Harry got back to the bridge before he
left for lunch himself. He was still hungry from breakfast -- he hadn't
been able to force himself to eat too much of the so-called omelet -- so
he was pleasantly surprised to find a cold pasta salad for the main
course. Sitting down at a small corner table, he began to eat, slowly,
trying very hard not to think about the upcoming talk at dinner.
He didn't notice B'Elanna walk into the mess hall and get some food,
so he was a little startled when she pulled out the chair across from
him and sat down. "Nervous?" she said, without any preamble.
Chakotay put down his fork. "You too?"
"Me too what?"
"You know what today is?"
"Chakotay, the whole ship knows what day it is. There's even a
betting pool going on the outcome..." B'Elanna laughed at his horrified
expression. "I'm *kidding*. Boy, you can't take a joke anymore. I
don't know how you've survived this long with Tom. Who else
knows?"
Chakotay heaved a sigh of relief. "Gods, I thought you were serious.
Ummm, Kathryn knows. So do Megan and Jenny Delaney. Sue
Nicoletti, too."
B'Elanna added, "And Harry, of course."
"Of course. How did you find out?"
"Harry told me. Then Tom came and talked to me about it yesterday
afternoon when his shift ended."
"He talked to *you* about it?"
B'Elanna looked a little bit offended. "Yeah. We're friends. And he
thought I'd be a good person to talk to, since I had a fling with you in
the not-too-distant past. Why are you so surprised?"
"I'm not surprised," Chakotay said, unconvincingly. B'Elanna looked
at him skeptically, and he sighed. "I guess I am, a little bit. It's just
that, he never talks to *me* about our relationship, but he seems to
talk to everybody else."
B'Elanna shook her head. "I don't think so. Yesterday was the first
time he's come to me for advice. I think the only one he's spoken to on
a regular basis has been Harry, and truthfully, I think that's only been
this past week. Before then, seems to me he was avoiding the whole
issue."
"I don't suppose you want to tell me what you talked about."
B'Elanna shrugged. "I don't think it was confidential. We talked
about the usual relationship stuff: life, love, happiness. What makes
*you* happy. He's pretty stressed about tonight, Chakotay. I've never
seen him so ... unhinged."
"Unhinged?"
"Yeah." She took a bite of her pasta. "He was going on and on, not
making any sense at all. Half of him is angry at you for putting him in
this position, the other half blames himself for it -- he said it was his
own stupid idea to have this talk in the first place -- he was talking
about love and lust and sex and getting it all mixed up." She took
another bite of pasta, and chewed thoughtfully. "If you ask me, he's
not ready to have this discussion, yet."
"That's no real surprise. When do *you* think he'll be ready?"
"Honestly? Never." B'Elanna smiled sympathetically. "Remember
what I told you last month, after he slept with Megan? Tom's got an
anti-commitment gene, or something. It frightens him, Chakotay,
*really* frightens him." She frowned. "When we were stuck in the
Vidiian prison, he wasn't half as scared as he was yesterday, talking to
me. If you push him on this, I'm not sure what he'll do. He might
break it off."
"I know." He breathed out heavily. "Damn."
"I agree. Tom's been talking to Harry a lot, Chakotay, every day, I
think, but I'm not sure it's helping." B'Elanna poked her fork at her
plate, but didn't eat anything. "Harry's only ever been involved in one
serious relationship, with this girl Libby from home, and from what he
tells me, their relationship was very relaxed. He loved her, but it
wasn't as ... combustible ... as your relationship with Tom."
"Combustible? That's an odd choice of words."
"I think it's perfect. The way the two of you look at each other
sometimes ... the heat coming off you could set the ship on fire. Hell,
the sparks start flying the minute the two of you step into the same
room."
"Your point being?"
"I didn't say I had one." She waved her fork around in the air as she
spoke. "Look, Tom *is* in love with you, even if he's too stupid and
stubborn to admit it, but if you try to force him into a commitment he's
not ready for, he might bolt."
"I understand that. But what other choice do I have?" Chakotay asked
miserably.
"What's wrong with maintaining the status quo for a while?"
Chakotay shook his head. "I can't do it. You said it yourself, Tom
may *never* be ready to discuss this with me. He'd be entirely willing
to let this ... arrangement ... stand forever. It's perfect for him, all the
sex but none of the 'messy emotions' -- his words, not mine." He
drummed his fingers on the table, and pushed his tray off to the side,
clearing a space for his elbows. "I agreed to this deal on the condition
that we'd have a talk after three months. Now, here we are, three
months later, and whether or not Tom's ready for it, we are going to
have a talk. I can't stay in this holding pattern forever. If he's not
willing to invest more of himself in this relationship then ..."
B'Elanna quirked an eyebrow at him, daring him to say it. He didn't,
just sank his head in his hands and sighed.
B'Elanna smiled sympathetically. "Men. I've said it before, but it
bears repeating. You're such morons." She ticked a few points off on
her fingers. "He's in love with you. You're in love with him. Tom
says the sex is the best he's ever had, and I gather you feel the same
way." B'Elanna waited for Chakotay's nod of confirmation before
continuing. "Why are you making this so complicated?"
Chakotay snorted. "That's exactly what Tom asked me, the night we
agreed to the deal."
"What was your answer?"
"That a lifetime of spiritual meditation gets you into the habit of
analyzing everything." He looked away for a minute. "B'Elanna, the
plain and simple truth is that I can't continue to be in a relationship
with a man who panics every time I tell him I love him. We've either
got to get to a point where he acknowledges those feelings, or we've
got to end it before it goes any farther. The longer we wait, the harder
it will be."
B'Elanna was silent. Finally, she answered him, saying, "It sounds
like you're convinced you know what you're doing. I just hope you're
right. I don't want you to get hurt, Chakotay, least of all by something
you did to yourself."
"I agree. I don't want me to get hurt either." He raised his glass of
water in a mock toast. "Here's hoping I won't."
*****
Later that evening, in his cabin, Chakotay checked the time for the
tenth time in the past 5 minutes. The computer, infinitely patient,
responded, "The time is 1854." All right, Big Man, you can leave in
two minutes. He paced nervously up and down a narrow strip of
carpet in his bedroom, sure he was going to wear a hole in the rug, but
unable to stop himself from doing it. He'd tried to meditate earlier, but
it had been hopeless. Shit, he hadn't been this nervous since ... since
... since that first date. Gods. Actually, he'd probably been *less*
nervous then. He'd been looking forward to that evening, and he
wasn't looking forward to this one at all.
"Computer, what's the time?"
"The time is 1855."
One more minute. He checked his appearance again in the mirror.
Tan slacks, red shirt, collar open. Hair neat. Teeth brushed. Spirits,
this was ridiculous. Tom had seen him at his *worst*; several times,
in fact. Gods, they'd made love often enough right after waking up,
morning breath and all ... Tom had never complained about it before.
In fact, Tom had never remarked on Chakotay's appearance, not once,
so it was nothing short of neurotic for Chakotay to be so concerned
about it now. Sighing, he ran a brush through his hair again anyway,
just in case.
"Computer, what's the time?"
"The time is 1857."
Damn. Now he was running a minute *behind* schedule. He hurried
out the door, and made it to Tom's quarters precisely at 1900 hours,
where he stood, hesitating, outside the door. He'd had Tom's Level I
clearance for over a month, and he hadn't used the door chime in
almost that long. Hell, if *Harry* could walk in without announcing
himself (although he always did, now, ever since that unfortunate
early-morning incident), Chakotay figured *he* could walk in without
announcing himself. So he had been, and Tom didn't seem to mind ...
but somehow, tonight, it seemed more appropriate to ring the chime.
Chakotay reached for it, pressed it gently, and waited.
"Come in?" Tom's voice was a little hesitant, but his face relaxed when
he saw it was Chakotay. Tom was standing just inside the door,
impeccably dressed in a casual outfit that was all soft silk and tight
denim, deep emerald green against inky black. "Hi," he said, softly.
His face was as calm as ever, but Chakotay was getting better at
reading the emotions hidden behind the mask. Tom was nervous. So
was Chakotay.
Chakotay walked in, stopping uncertainly a few feet inside the door,
suddenly unbearably tense, wanting nothing more than for this
evening to be over with. But if it goes wrong, a tiny voice screamed at
him, Tom will be gone ... Chakotay shivered, and shook the thought
off.
"Hungry?" Tom asked, gesturing at the replicator. "I've been saving
my rations. I thought you might like some pasta..." his voice trailed
off and he stared at the ground uncomfortably.
"With Kildavian olives?" Chakotay joked, trying unsuccessfully to
break the tension in the room.
"If you like," Tom answered, then fell abruptly quiet, remembering
that first meal together, and the evening afterwards.
Chakotay didn't respond, and the room was quiet for a few long
minutes.
Finally, Tom drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Fuck. This
is impossible."
Chakotay had to laugh a little bit, but when he spoke, his voice was
soft, reflective. "You never expected it to last this long, did you? You
never thought we'd actually be having this discussion..."
Tom was quiet, staring at the ground, then he said, softly, "No, I
didn't." He choked back a snort. "Shit, Chakotay, three *months*. I
never had a relationship last half that long, *never*. I didn't think it
was possible. Even if it *was* only sex."
"But it wasn't." A short pause. "Was it?"
Another, very long pause before Tom answered. "No. I don't -- I don't
think so."
"Then what was it?" Trick question. Chakotay knew what it was; it
was love, plain and simple, but he wanted to hear Tom say it.
Tom didn't. He just sighed, and kicked his foot at an imaginary
pebble. "I don't know *what* the hell it was. But what I had with
Megan ... *that* was just sex. What I have with you, what we have,
it's more than that."
Chakotay wandered slowly over to a chair, and leaned on it for
support. "Tom, if you can't even say the word..."
"Then what?" A flash of anger in Tom's voice. "If I can't say it, what
will you do? Walk out the door? Leave me?" His eyes were furious.
"Are you really willing to end it because I can't swear that I love you?"
"If necessary," Chakotay said, gripping on to the back of the chair with
knuckles that were suddenly white.
"But it's *not* necessary," Tom pleaded. "Why is this such a big
issue? You keep saying you don't want to force me into something I'm
not ready for, you say it over and over; what if I'm not ready for
*this*? A little more time-"
"No," Chakotay said firmly, angrily, and took a deep breath to calm
himself. When he spoke again, his voice was low. "I *don't* want to
force you into something you're not ready for. I'm not asking for a
lifetime commitment, Tom. I'm not asking you to move into my
quarters. But I can't keep giving you more time, because if I do that, if
I give in to you now, it will never end, don't you see that? We'll stay
trapped in this place forever, never moving forward, because you're too
afraid, and I'm too weak to end it."
Chakotay self-consciously removed his hands from the chair, and
continued. "This isn't about me forcing you into a relationship you're
not ready for, Tom. This is about you being honest with yourself, and
with me. Going into this, I didn't know *what* to expect. To be
perfectly frank, I don't think I expected us to get this far, either. But
we *are* here, and I am completely in love with you, and we have to
deal with that, because you're in love with me, too."
"But how do you *know*?" It was almost a wail.
Chakotay crossed the room in three quick strides, and reached his
fingers out to cup Tom's chin gently in his hand, pull his head down
slightly. He stared into Tom's eyes. "I know it every time I look at
you, when we're making love, or playing pool, or sitting across the
conference table. I see it in your eyes, Tom, just like you see it in
mine."
Tom pulled away. "How do you know that's love?" he persisted.
Chakotay shrugged his shoulders slightly. "What else could it be?
Lust? No. Gods know I lust after you, Tom. Hell, I want you all the
time. Every time I see you, and you flash that flyboy grin at me -- it
takes all my self-control not to throw you down on the floor and fuck
you 'til you're screaming. In the mess hall, in the turbolift, hell, even
in the damn morning briefings, I want you. *That's* lust. But --" he
moved in close, capturing Tom's eyes again, waiting until he saw the
surrender there, "*this* is love."
Tom stared at him helplessly for a minute, until the fear that was
always lurking in the back of his eyes shot suddenly to the fore, and he
jerked away. "Damn it," he said, with a trace of real anger in his
voice, "you're not playing fair. You want to have a serious discussion?
Fine. Let's talk. But don't go giving me the look like that. You say
it's love, not lust, but all it does is make me want to fuck you, and I'm
*not* going to do that right now." He stalked across the room, and sat
down on the sofa, glaring pointedly at the opposing chair until
Chakotay reluctantly took a seat.
-----
End Part 2
They sat, silently for several more minutes, both calming down and
gathering their thoughts, until Tom gestured vaguely and said, "So
talk, already."
"What do you want me to say?" Chakotay was determined not to let
Tom provoke him.
"Something. Anything. Tell me what you want me to do."
Chakotay took a deep, careful breath. "I want you to be honest with
me. Are you happy with us?"
"You know I am."
"No, I don't know that. Not really."
"Hell, Chakotay, I tell you all the time how I love the way you make
me feel."
"Yes, you do. For all I know, it's just the sex that you love."
"No. It's not. You know that. Shit, you're the one who's always
telling me I'm that in love with you. You *know* it's more than just
the sex."
"Maybe I was wrong. It's happened before." Chakotay's voice was
deliberately bland.
Tom snorted. "I wish I had a recording of that, to play back to you
when you're being your usual flawless stubborn-assed self." He gave a
quick shake of his head, got serious again, and started speaking in a
rush. "Look, I *do* love the sex. It's ... unbelievable... when we're
together, I can't even begin to describe what it feels like, I can't find
the words to explain it, and I've tried, trust me, I've tried to explain it
to Harry and I *can't*... it's just so ... right, sometimes, hell, *all* the
time, and I keep waiting to get used to it and I don't..." He took a
breath, and continued, a little more slowly. "I've thought about it, a
lot, about why it's so good between you and me, and it can't just be the
way we fit together, 'cause you're a man and so am I."
"I hadn't noticed," Chakotay said dryly.
Tom flushed. "That's not what I mean. When we're together, it's
great, always, but you've got to admit, it's a little more awkward than
being with a woman.... you've always got to worry about lubricant and
stuff, and I get bruised a lot more with you than I *ever* did before,
with any woman."
Chakotay couldn't help but chuckle. "Well, now I *know* you've
never slept with B'Elanna."
"Fuck you," Tom said amiably, laughing too. "Rub it in my face, why
don't you?"
"Did you have a point to this?"
"Yes, believe it or not, I did. Which was, I've had a lot of experience
with sex, with all sorts of women, in various stages of sobriety and
infatuation and lust, and not ever, with a single one of them, was it as
intense as it is with you. And hell, Chakotay, you've got to admit it,
men's bodies were designed by nature to be fucking women's bodies."
"I don't have to admit anything."
"Fine. You don't have to believe it, but I do. And *despite* that, in
spite of a zillion years of evolution and almost twenty years of
experience with women, the best sex I've ever had is with you. So it
*can't* just be a physical thing, there's got to be more to it. I know
that."
Chakotay was guardedly optimistic. "So there *are* emotions
involved?"
"Hell, yes." Tom looked away for a second. "The problem is, I'm not
sure I know what those emotions are. I'm not sure it's love,
Chakotay."
"I am."
"So you keep saying." Tom paused for a second. "If you're so sure I
love you, why do you have to rush me on this? Why can't you wait a
little longer, give me time to work it out on my own?"
"Because you won't. Not without pressure, you won't. I know you,
Tom. I love you, but I know you ... if I give you another month, or
another two, or another eight, if I let us go on like this, we'll be having
this exact same discussion again later, because you won't have worked
it out at all, no matter how much time you have to do it."
"You're not giving me much credit."
"Tom," Chakotay sighed, "can you tell me honestly that you have set
aside any time in the past few months to sit down and think about us
and our relationship, where it stands and where it's headed?"
"I've thought about us," Tom said defensively.
"Really?" Chakotay couldn't keep the surprise out of his voice. "About
where our relationship stands?"
"Yes."
"And where it's going?"
Tom was quiet for too long, and Chakotay said, "I take it that's a 'no'."
"Hell, Teddy, I'm too busy trying to figure out where we are now to
spend time figuring out where we're going later."
"Don't start with the 'Teddy' shit now, Tom. This is serious."
Tom sighed. "I know. I'm sorry. I don't do serious real well." His
expression was apologetic. He started drumming his fingers nervously
on the side of the couch, and spoke again after a few minutes of uneasy
silence. "Can we ... put aside the question of love? For a minute?"
"Yes," Chakotay said guardedly.
"What else do you want from us?"
Chakotay sank back in his chair. "I don't understand what you mean."
"Is it really just that I can't tell you I love you? Is that the only
problem we have to work out? Or is there more that you want from
this relationship that you're not getting?"
"There's more," Chakotay agreed. "I want us to be *together*, Tom.
As more than just lovers."
"How do you mean?"
"I want this relationship to exist outside the bedroom."
"It does." Tom's voice was earnest. "We eat together, hang out at the
resort together, play pool together ..."
"You do all those things with Harry and B'Elanna."
"So?"
"So I want us to be more than friends who happen to sleep together."
Tom frowned. "I hope you're not telling me you want us to be one of
those sappy couples walking around holding hands all the time."
"No." For an instant, Chakotay's mind was filled with an absurd
image of himself and Tom, walking onto the bridge, hands linked. He
forced it away. "No, that's not what I mean. I'm not talking about
external appearances, Tom. I don't care what the rest of the crew
thinks about us." He struggled to find the right words to express his
rather intangible thoughts. "I want us to spend an evening where the
goal is not to fall into bed together. When I have a tough day, I want
to be able to sit and talk to you about it. If you're having trouble with
the Maquis ... " Chakotay looked pointedly at Tom, "... I want you to
tell *me*, not Harry. Or, at the very least, tell me *and* Harry."
"Why does it matter if I tell you or Harry?" Tom's voice was earnest,
honestly confused. "I don't want to upset you, especially by talking
about the Maquis."
"You won't upset me. I need to know that you trust me enough to tell
me anything. That I can trust *you* enough to tell you anything."
"You can tell me anything you want."
"Except that I love you."
Tom stared at him for a minute, then let his eyes slide away. "So it
*does* all come down to love." His voice was resigned.
"I guess it does." Chakotay was resigned too. "I'm sorry ... I told you
from the beginning, I can't have sex without love. Not indefinitely."
He exhaled noisily. "The thing is, you *are* in love with me, Tom. I
can see it in your eyes. You just have to admit it to yourself."
"I -- I want to." Tom was whispering, now, looking at the floor. "It's
just that, I can't ... I can't make myself ... ... ... I'm not sure ..." He
looked away. "Shit." He played nervously with his pants leg, then
said, very softly, "I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
Tom shook his head. "I can't explain it."
Chakotay let out a little puff of air in exasperation. "Damn it, Tom,
I'm getting tired of hearing you say that. Just *try* for once. Try to
tell me what's frightening you."
"I can't -- " Tom looked away. "I don't *know*."
"You have no idea?" Chakotay didn't believe him.
"Not really. Not that I can put into words."
Chakotay was frustrated. "I don't know how to deal with this, Tom.
We need to find out what you're so afraid of. Is it me?"
"No," Tom said. "You'd never do anything to hurt me. I know that."
"Well, then, it must be you."
"What?"
"Look, if you're not afraid I'll hurt you, you must be afraid that you'll
hurt me."
"No. I don't think so. I'm not like that." Tom tapped his fingers on
his legs agitatedly. "I think ... I think I'm afraid I'll screw it up
somehow. Not that I'll do something to hurt you, but that, somehow,
I'll make a mess of things. It's so hard to explain..."
Chakotay sighed and closed his eyes. He was tired, and frustrated.
"Tom, I know you've made some mistakes in your life. So have I. But
trust me, you *don't* make a mess of everything."
"I know that." Tom was slightly offended. "Is that what you think,
I've got some sort of loser complex? I don't. I *don't* think I'm a total
fuck-up. I never did, even when I'd fucked up everything." He
breathed in and out a few times. "I'm just afraid I'll fuck *this* up,
somehow. I'll do something wrong..." He made a noise of inarticulate
frustration and waved his hand in negation. "No, that's not right
either."
"Then what?"
"Fuck it. I'm so bad at this shit." He sighed, and thought about it,
finally speaking again a minute later. "I'm not afraid I'll do something
wrong. I mean, I screwed around with Megan and you forgave me for
that, and that's about the worst thing I could do, and anyway I'm not
going to do that again, so there's nothing to worry about there." He
took a breath. "I think I'm afraid that I'll mess it up just by being me
... that I won't be enough for you."
"That's ridiculous. What we have together now is wonderful, Tom.
Adding more depth to the relationship will only make it better."
"But I don't know how to do that. Even if I tried to give you more of
me, I don't know that there's any more to give."
"Why in the world would you say that?"
Tom ran his fingers through his hair. "All those women, Chakotay. I
don't even remember all of them, there were so many... I tried to have
relationships with some of them, you know. More than once, it never
worked, never lasted more than two weeks. It was always just sex, and
as soon as the novelty wore off, it was over."
"I'm sorry, Tom. But I don't see what that has to do with us."
"All those relationships were purely physical, sex only -- maybe it was
my fault. Maybe sex is all I have to offer ... that's all the women saw
in me because that's all there is to see... what if you go looking for
more and it's not there?"
"Tom-"
"Shit, Chakotay, when you and I are together it's better than it's ever
been. I don't want to risk screwing it up. If you want more from me
and I try to give it but I can't ... you'll get unhappy and you'll leave."
"Tom." Chakotay's voice was firm. "If sex was all you had to offer, I
wouldn't have fallen in love with you. And I *do* love you; I have for
a long time now. Before we ever started sleeping together, I loved
you. The fact that the sex is so good ... that's a reflection of your
personality, Tom, and if the women you've slept with were too blind to
see that, it's their loss."
Tom looked at him, mystified. "What d'you mean?"
"Tom, when we make love, it's not just good for you. It's the most
amazing, intense experience I've ever felt, and I've had my fair share
of lovers, too, both men and women. Every one of them went into it
wanting to have a good time, and most of them were concerned that I'd
have a good time too. But you ... it's like you care more about the way
I feel than the way you feel."
Tom nodded, a little. "I enjoy it more if I know you're enjoying it.
Plus, it makes it more exciting ... I love to know I can make you
scream and moan and come for me." He shrugged. "Kind of a power
trip, I guess."
"Of course," Chakotay agreed. "For all of us. But it's more than that
for you. You're the most attentive, considerate, passionate lover I've
ever had. The most unselfish lover I've ever had. That's just the way
you are, and not only in bed. You're like that about *everything*."
Tom looked away. "You're delusional. Unselfish is not a word I'd
ever use to describe myself. Hell, Caldik Prime--"
"Was a terrible accident. And you lied about it. Fine, you screwed up.
But you've been paying for it ever since ... I can't even count the
number of times you've risked your life for this ship. Sometimes I
think you won't be happy until you die for her, as if that would
somehow be atonement for the three lives lost in the crash."
Tom's eyes filled with bitter amusement. "Is that really what you
think? That I'm running around, trying to atone for those deaths?" He
shook his head, and turned to look out the window. "I'm not. The
accident ... was just that. An accident. I forgave myself for *that* a
long time ago." He stopped speaking, and was silent for so long,
Chakotay started getting nervous. Finally, as Chakotay was about to
say something to break the silence, Tom said quietly, "What I don't
think I'll ever forgive myself for is the way I acted afterwards. Don't
you think you find out who you really are in times of stress, Big Man?"
He turned back from the window and looked Chakotay full in the face.
"After the accident, I found out that deep down inside, I'm ... a
coward."
"You're not a coward, Tom."
Tom laughed harshly. "Chakotay, you know what would have
happened to me if I'd never lied about it? If I'd told the truth from the
beginning?" He answered his own question. "Nothing. Oh, maybe I
would have tarnished the shining Paris name a little, but that would
have been it. Conditions were rough, I made a bad call -- pilot error,
they call it. It happens to everybody, once in a while."
"Then why did you lie about it?" Chakotay was hesitant to ask the
question. Tom had never spoken to him about Caldik Prime before; to
the best of his knowledge, Tom had never spoken to *anybody* about
Caldik Prime before.
Tom frowned. "Gods, I don't even really know. I just -- I couldn't
believe I'd fucked up like that, I guess. Shit, Chakotay, I flew my first
shuttle sim when I was *five*. I was flying with third-year cadets
when I was 14; they put me in Nova Squadron my freshman year at
the Academy. Pilot error ... just didn't happen. Not to me." He
looked down at the ground, and his voice was very quiet. "When I had
to prepare the reports, I started writing down what had really
happened, but it looked so ... ludicrous, I couldn't make myself believe
it. I just *couldn't*, Chakotay." He sighed. "So I wrote down
something else, some other version, something easier to believe. I sat
and stared at the report for a long time, wishing it were true, but
knowing it wasn't ... finally, I figured I'd erase it, write down the real
story, and I reached out to delete it ... " He frowned again,
remembering. "I think I really *did* mean to delete it, consciously, at
any rate, but when I touched the console, I hit the 'file' key instead.
Zap. Instant lie."
Chakotay didn't say anything. He knew, somehow, that these were
memories Tom had never shared with anybody, and he didn't want to
risk interrupting him, risk breaking the intimacy of the moment.
Tom continued speaking, voice low and intent. "I should have filed a
revised report right away, but I hadn't even started writing one yet, and
I couldn't figure out a way to explain why I'd ever written a false one
in the first place ... as the days went on, I started feeling kind of safe.
Hell, I almost started believing the fucking reports were the truth. The
thing was, nobody suspected a thing. No one. They weren't even
investigating the accident. If I'd kept my mouth shut, I don't think
anyone would have ever found out about it."
"But you confessed anyway?"
Tom nodded, a quick jerk of his head. "I couldn't sleep. Everyone
was telling me how lucky and brave I was ... what a fucking joke
*that* was. You think I've got insomnia now, Big Man -- you should
have seen me then; I didn't sleep for three days. Spent the whole time
thinking about it ... why'd I do it, what was I thinking, what kind of
person was I, you know, all that psychoanalytical shit. Finally made
up my mind that if I ever wanted to sleep again, I'd better tell the
truth." His voice got even quieter. "I knew I was going to be screwed
when I told 'em, but there was this tiny part of me that was hoping
they wouldn't throw me out; that somehow, I could make them
understand." Tom snorted. "What a stupid little shit. They cashiered
me out of the 'Fleet so fast, I didn't even have time to pack my
suitcase." Remembered pain filled his voice, made it harsh. "Things
deteriorated pretty quickly after that."
Chakotay couldn't think of anything to say, so he simply reached out a
hand and placed it gently on Tom's arm. Tom looked at him, briefly,
and Chakotay was surprised to see tears glistening in the corners of his
eyes. Tom shook the mood off violently. "Shit. How did I get started
on this, anyway? I thought we were supposed to be talking about us."
"We are. You were trying to explain to me how you're selfish and a
coward." Chakotay held up a hand before Tom could speak. "Problem
is, I don't buy it."
"Chakotay-"
"Be quiet. Give your throat a rest for a minute, Tom." Chakotay
smiled softly to take any perceived sting out of his words. "You
fucked up after Caldik Prime. You shouldn't have lied. It doesn't
mean you're a coward. You were scared and confused and three
people were dead ... you made a mistake." He squeezed Tom's arm.
"But you said it yourself, they weren't investigating the accident. You
could have kept your mouth shut, no one would have ever known.
You told the truth anyway."
"Only because I wasn't sleeping--"
"--which was because you'd lied, and because lying was foreign to you,
and to everything you believed in ... honesty, loyalty, service to
Starfleet. Truth is, you've got the Paris family honor code embedded
in your genes."
"You didn't think so when you first met me," Tom said quietly. "You
thought I was a mercenary and a drunk, that I couldn't be trusted."
"I didn't-" Chakotay started, then stopped. He couldn't deny it; it was
the truth, and he'd been crass enough to say it right to Tom's face,
when they'd met. He smiled a little ruefully. "I was wrong. Gods
know, Tom, I'm not infallible. And in case you hadn't noticed, I'm
not always the best judge of character. Hell, I had an affair with
*Seska*." He shuddered theatrically, and Tom laughed lightly, his
mood brightening for an instant before his face got serious again.
"The rest of the ship still thinks that about me. The Starfleet crew
doesn't trust me, and the Maquis," he breathed out angrily, "still think
I'm a traitor to the precious fucking cause. In the past few months I've
been told, flat out, to my face, that I'm a coward, a liar, a traitor, and a
no-good miserable piece of scum who should have been left to rot and
die in the Akritirian prison."
Chakotay was appalled. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's not your fault they're assholes." Tom thumped his leg
with his fist. "It's just so *frustrating*. I try and try, and nothing ever
changes; no matter what I do, in their minds I'm still a double-crossing
bum. Sometimes, it's easier just to be that guy, you know?"
Chakotay nodded, slowly. "Yes. It's easier to live down to their
expectations. I know." Tom looked at him intently, and Chakotay
sighed. "Someday, Tom, I'll tell you about it. For now, believe me
when I say I understand what you're feeling." He looked at the
younger man intently. "That's why you act the way you do ... all the
drinking, the con jobs, the smartass remarks--"
"Nah, I'm just a smartass by nature," Tom joked with a grin, and
Chakotay couldn't help but grin back.
"I can't disagree with you there," Chakotay said, trying to keep the
mood light. "So you're a smartass. But you're not a coward, and
you're not selfish. You're a beautiful, wonderful, caring, passionate,
sexy, funny, extremely irritating man, and I love you for all of those
things, smartass remarks included. You don't have to worry about
being enough for me, because you're all I want." He smiled.
"Sometimes, I even think you're a little *too* much for me to handle."
Tom cocked his head at him. "I'm not sure that's a compliment."
"Neither am I." Chakotay grinned. "To tell you the truth, I was first
attracted to you because of all those smartass remarks."
"No surprise there, Big Man. I figured that out a long time ago. You
*love* to be teased, no matter how much you claim to hate it."
"I guess I've got no secrets from you. Except one. About tonight." He
took a deep breath. "I pretended to be so calm, but, truth is, I didn't
know how to act. I was so neurotic about it... the only thought that
kept running through my head was that I couldn't let you leave me."
"You came here tonight thinking *I* might leave *you*? Shit,
Chakotay, you have no idea, do you?"
"What?"
"You're such an idiot sometimes, Big Man. Gods." Tom's voice was
anguished. "I'd do *anything* for you. When you look at me, I can't
help myself, I'll do anything you ask, *anything*. You want to know
why I was so nervous before?" He was pacing up and down in
agitation. "I was afraid of what you were going to ask me for; I knew
that no matter *what* you wanted, I'd end up giving it to you, because
I couldn't bear the thought that if I didn't, after tonight, you might not
touch me again, that we'd never be together again ... that you'd never
look at me that way again."
Oh spirits. Chakotay saw his hands shaking when he reached out to
grasp Tom's. "Tom, all day I was trying to convince myself that I'd be
able to walk away if you wouldn't commit to me ... I was fooling
myself, or maybe just hoping to fool you."
"Then all that talk before about ending it--"
"Was just talk." He shook his head ruefully. "Truth is, I'd have done
anything you wanted, so long as you'd stay with me. Spirits, we're
quite a pair."
"Yeah." Tom looked at him, and his eyes were shining. "So does this
mean we get to stay together, Teddy?"
"Not if you keep calling me Teddy." Chakotay was almost laughing
with relief.
"You don't think I'm going to stop *now*, do you?" Tom murmured,
moving in close, running one hand up and down Chakotay's arm in a
way that never failed to give the older man the chills. "Now that I
know you're so hopelessly enthralled by me..."
"Shit," Chakotay cursed softly, shivering. "I'm just going to have to
find an annoying nickname for you, then."
-----
End Part 3
Tom laughed, deep in his throat, and began tracing patterns on
Chakotay's chest, playing with the buttons on his shirt. "Big Man,
there is no way in hell you could ever come up with a nickname even
half as annoying as the one my sisters had for me, so don't waste your
time."
"Now you've got me curious," Chakotay murmured, losing his train of
thought a little bit as Tom's fingers stopped playing with the buttons
and deftly began to open them, one after the other in quick succession.
"You're just going to have to stay curious, Big Man, because I'm not
going to tell you what it was." The words were teasing, but Tom's
voice was sultry. He finished unbuttoning the shirt, and pulled it off in
one swift motion, hands flying down immediately afterwards to work
on the older man's pants.
Chakotay was breathing in the heady aroma of Tom's scent, and felt
his body come alive under Tom's sure touch. "What's your rush?" he
asked, trying unsuccessfully to stay the motion of Tom's hands, slow
things down a little. "We have all night, unless ... are you playing
pool with Harry later?"
"No," Tom whispered, moving in to nuzzle Chakotay's neck, not even
taking the time to joke in response. "If I don't fuck you right now,
though, I think I might explode. I was so nervous about tonight ... I
thought I was going to screw it up and lose you ... I have to fuck you so
I know you're really here."
"I'm really here," Chakotay whispered back, and grasped Tom's hands,
pinned them to his side. He looked at Tom's face, beautifully flushed
and aroused, and then focused on those blue, blue eyes. 'The look',
Tom called it, as if Chakotay did it intentionally. He didn't, not really;
he looked into Tom's eyes as often as he did because Tom's face was
such a perfect mask, it was only by looking into his eyes that Chakotay
could see the real Tom underneath ... he couldn't help it that once he
started looking, he wasn't able to stop. He *couldn't* stop, because the
real Tom was so beautiful, inside and out, he couldn't quite believe
how lucky he was to have him.
Chakotay held that gaze for a long instant, and it deepened as it
always did into something more intense, but this time, as it
lengthened, there was no trace of fear in Tom's eyes, only lust and
longing and ...
"Shit, Chakotay," Tom whispered, "I tried so hard to fight this, but I
can't do it anymore ... I *do* love you. I can't help it."
Chakotay smiled. "It's o.k., Tom. I forgive you. I love you too."
"Oh gods, help me..." Tom whispered, prayerfully, reaching out to
trace the planes of Chakotay's face with his hands. "Don't leave me,
Chakotay. Please. If I let myself do this ... I have to know you won't
leave... I won't survive it, Big Man, I *won't*..."
"Don't worry. I won't leave you. I promise." Chakotay gripped Tom's
hands, brought them to his mouth, and kissed them gently. He stared
again into Tom's eyes, saw the spark of arousal flare in them, turn the
bright blue eyes dark with desire.
Chakotay kissed one fingertip, and Tom gasped, and suddenly, Tom's
hands were everywhere, probing, touching, caressing, stroking.
Chakotay had barely enough presence of mind to strip Tom of his
clothes, and was hardly able to stumble with Tom into the bedroom,
where they fell onto the bed, a tangled mess of arms and legs.
"I need you to fuck me, Chakotay," Tom said in an urgent whisper. "I
need to feel you in me, right now." His fingers were moving as he
spoke, moving down to roughly stroke Chakotay's straining erection.
Chakotay gasped. Spirits, it was always intense with Tom, but
tonight, knowing they were still together, that The Talk had come and
gone and they were still here, stronger than before ... every touch set
his skin on fire. Tom's fingers squeezed softly and Chakotay moaned.
"Fuck me," Tom was murmuring, over and over, "fuck me now,
Chakotay, please, gods, fuck me, I need you, I need you in me, I need
... oh *gods* yes." Chakotay had slipped one moistened finger into
Tom's ass, and Tom strained against it. "Shit," Tom swore, "gods
that's good, but it's not ... not enough, please gods, I need more, I need
*you*..."
This was Tom at his most beautiful, his most vulnerable, skin flushed,
brow sweaty, voice open and pleading and needful. And still his
fingers were moving, one hand stroking Chakotay's cock steadily, the
other moving all over his body, twisting a nipple, scratching his back
lightly, teasing pleasure out of all the different parts of Chakotay's
body, one at a time and all at once.
Spirits, this was happening incredibly fast, Chakotay was hard as hell
and aching for Tom; they'd just finished talking a few minutes ago,
and here they were in bed together and Tom was gasping and
moaning, thrusting urgently under him ... Chakotay felt reality
wavering a little bit, wondered if he'd lost all sense of time, that maybe
they'd been here for hours already, touching and sighing and loving.
"Please, Chakotay, *please*," Tom was moaning, "I want ... I want
you ... I ... oh gods, please don't stop..." Chakotay had just slipped his
fingers out, and Tom wailed in desperation. "Please, please, oh gods,
*please*..." His breathing was heavy and frantic, and he gripped
Chakotay's body more than hard enough to bruise.
Lubricant? Hell. They needed it -- they'd tried it dry once and that
had been a *big* mistake -- but Chakotay couldn't see any. "Tom," he
ground out, "where's the lube?"
"Oh shit," Tom swore, "I left it in the bathroom. Harry was here; I
didn't want to leave it out, so I stuck it in the medicine cabinet."
"I'm going to get it," Chakotay said, but Tom locked his legs around
him.
"No you're not!" he said desperately. "Don't go, not now."
"But we need it," Chakotay said, trying to be rational. It was difficult;
Tom had his erection sandwiched between his hands, and was rubbing
firmly.
"No," Tom said, "we'll be o.k." He brought one hand to his mouth,
licked it sensually, then brought it back down to rub over Chakotay's
cock. Saliva wasn't the best, not by a long shot, but if Tom was
willing to risk it, spirits, so was he. How could he argue? Tom was
practically milking him, and one finger was tracing circles around the
head of his cock, spreading the pre-ejaculate around the tip.
"Now," Tom ordered, "fuck me *now*." He threw his legs around
Chakotay's shoulders and raised his ass, and there was no way
Chakotay could refuse the offering. He gripped Tom's legs firmly, and
with one swift stroke, slid fully inside.
"Gods yes," Tom gasped, eyes tightly shut. "Oh gods, fuck me,
Chakotay, fuck me *hard*." He thrust himself deeper onto Chakotay's
cock and Chakotay shoved back hard in return. In and out, a familiar
frantic rhythm. Chakotay heard himself moaning, loudly, and
remembered when Tom had first encouraged him to be a little more
vocal, how he'd protested. What an idiot he'd been; it *was* more
exciting, to hear himself moan along with Tom; the sounds of
lovemaking made the act all the more erotic. This is us, Chakotay
thought to himself, all these groans and gasps and curses, that's *us*,
and moaned a little louder as another jolt of pleasure tore through him.
Each stroke pushed him in deeper, and Tom was sobbing and gripping
the sheets in desperation. Chakotay was close, damn he was close, he
was going to come and hard; Tom was moaning too, and his cock was
throbbing, trapped beneath Chakotay's stomach. A burst of inspiration
hit the older man, and he leaned down, placed a gentle bite just
beneath Tom's left collarbone.
"Oh *fuck*," Tom gasped. His back arched and his body shook
furiously beneath Chakotay's, nearly dislodging him. Breathing
heavily, Tom ran his nails down Chakotay's back. "Please, Chakotay,"
he gasped out, immediately before Chakotay moved his head slightly
to the side, and kissed the base of Tom's throat. Tom moaned, eyes
closed, face filled with ecstasy, "Oh gods, please..."
Chakotay's hips were still moving, and he felt Tom's cock hot and hard
on his skin. Spirits, it was perfect, like always ... he was seconds away
from coming, just enough time to do this ... he moved back to the side
and bit the spot beneath Tom's collarbone again. Tom's entire body
stiffened, and his nails dug into Chakotay's back so hard they drew
blood. "Gods *yes*" he shouted, and screamed, a full-throated scream
that echoed in Chakotay's ear. Pulsing warm wetness on his stomach -
- Tom was coming and still screaming and scratching, and his ass
muscles clenched tightly around Chakotay's cock. Chakotay's orgasm
slammed into him so fast, he felt he'd gone to warp, and he came
furiously inside Tom, screaming too.
A familiar blackness threatened at the edges of his vision, but he
struggled hard to stay awake, and somehow managed it, though he
couldn't stop himself from collapsing on top of Tom, completely
drained. Tom was silent for a long time, and Chakotay took a quick
peek, saw Tom's eyes open but cloudy, filled with a haze of
contentment. After a few minutes, Tom stretched sensuously beneath
him, pushed Chakotay off to the side, and got up to go to the
bathroom. He came back a few minutes later, wiping himself off with
a damp towel, and tossed a half-empty tube of lubricant onto the night
stand.
Tom snuggled back into the bed, pulled Chakotay to him and held him
close. "Fuck," he said, his voice light and teasing. "I *knew* it was
bad when I saw you sitting with those three at breakfast. They told
you?"
"They told me," Chakotay agreed pleasantly. "I'll have to remember to
thank them."
"They triple-teamed me, you know. Megan found that spot beneath
my collarbone, and she told Sue, who'd already known about my neck
... after they'd gotten the two-step procedure down, Jenny got the
bright idea of going back for a second bite. First time she did it, I
flipped so hard I fell off the bed." He paused for a minute and
considered, then spoke again, his voice suspicious. "Shit. What else
did they tell you?"
"Nothing," Chakotay said sorrowfully. "You interrupted us. But they
did tell me to listen for the moan. Sue was right. It *was* beautiful."
"Goddammit," Tom swore, reddening slightly. "And you wouldn't let
me talk to B'Elanna about you? Fuck that ... I'm having lunch with
her *tomorrow*, Teddy. I'm going to find out all your favorite
things..."
"But .... " Chakotay said, then stopped, realizing it was hopeless, now.
He changed the topic. "Tom, do you realize you cursed ... " he paused
to count, "four times in the past minute?"
"Yeah? So? I told you, it's just a bad habit."
"To annoy your father. I know. Kathryn said his mouth was worse
than yours."
"What? Owen? Come on, when the man took a shit he had decorum
coming out his ass."
"Not according to Kathryn. She's says you're a lot like him."
"Bullshit."
"No, no shit. He especially liked cursing in Romulan."
"Really?" Tom's voice was amused.
"Really."
"Hmm! How 'bout that. Bet he never fucked his gorgeous male
commanding officers, though."
"Maybe he did."
Tom laughed. "No. Dad was so hetero you could have used him as a
straightedge. No bets on how many of his female colleagues he
seduced, though." His voice grew suddenly speculative. "Hey, you
don't think he and Captain Janeway ever slept together, do you?"
"I have no idea," Chakotay said. "I'm not about to ask her, either, so
don't get any ideas." He thought for a minute, remembering an
offhand comment Kathryn had made a few months before. "She did
once tell me he was an excellent kisser."
"Uck!" Tom said, covering his face with his hands. "She kissed him?
Shit. Maybe they *did* sleep together. Gods, that's too weird."
"Why? It's not like *you've* ever slept with her ..." Chakotay paused.
"Have you?"
"No!" Tom said hotly, then subsided. "Not really."
"What do you mean, 'not really'?"
"Nothing. I just used to -- you know..."
"Don't tell me you used to jerk off thinking about her."
"No. Shit, Chakotay, you've got a filthy mind." Tom poked Chakotay
in the side. "I just used to ... well ... dream about her sometimes." He
blushed furiously. "When we first got here, before I got involved with
the Delaney triplets."
"Excuse me?"
Tom laughed. "Oh, I like to include Sue Nicoletti in the family, too.
A Delaney sister in spirit, if not by blood."
"You're really twisted, Tom. Anyway, I think having erotic fantasies
about your captain is probably a violation of Starfleet protocol."
"*You're* a fine one to talk. You fucked the woman."
"No, I didn't."
"You didn't?" Tom was openly disbelieving. "All that time you spent
mooning around after her, you never got her into bed?" Chakotay
shook his head. "Even on New Earth? Come on, Teddy, you can't
expect me to believe you were stuck down there for all that time and
you never once slept together."
"Believe it. We never slept together."
"Shit. That's really pathetic." Tom chuckled. "Your arm must have
been getting quite a workout." A crude hand gesture accompanied his
words.
"Shut up, Tom. We are not continuing this conversation."
Tom was silent, necessarily so, since Chakotay's hand was covering
his mouth. His blue eyes glinted with humor. Chakotay kept his hand
in place. "What happens next?"
Tom pushed Chakotay's hand away from his mouth. "Well," he said
thoughtfully, rolling over on top of Chakotay, "I think I'm going to
fuck you."
"That's not what I meant, Tom, and you know -- oh, gods, mmmm."
Tom was nuzzling his neck. Chakotay focused his thoughts
deliberately. "We're a couple now. Officially, and -- oh spirits,
please..."
Tom removed his tongue from Chakotay's ear and said, "What
happens now is that you're my boyfriend and you bring me wine and
chocolates every day so I know how much you love me." His tongue
traced the outline of Chakotay's ear, and his teeth played gently with
the earlobe. "We hold hands in the mess hall, and we kiss in the
observation lounge, and we fuck on the table in the conference room."
One hand moved down to stroke Chakotay's cock, fondle his balls.
"You comm me just to tell me that you love me, I sit on your lap when
you've got the bridge, and I get to call you 'sweetheart' in public."
Tom shifted his body down, began to trace circles around Chakotay's
nipples. "We show up for duty ten minutes late, unshowered and
smelling of sex, and we come to Sandrine's after dinner wearing each
other's clothing. I make lewd, suggestive remarks every time you pick
up a pool cue, and you get me back by spanking me on the pool table."
One hand was now working deliberately on Chakotay's ass, fingers
sliding in and out slowly, torturously. Chakotay was biting his cheek
to keep from crying out.
"We hook the comm system up to your quarters and have wild,
animalistic sex over an open line, so the whole ship can hear, and
when I come I scream out that I love you and then you tell me I'm the
best fuck on the ship, and you've never loved anyone like you love
me." Three fingers were moving inside Chakotay now, while Tom
was coating his own erection with lubricant. Fingers withdrawn, he
maneuvered Chakotay over so he was on his hands and knees.
Chakotay spread his legs and moaned, "Please, Tom."
Tom thrust in slowly, groaning, holding on to Chakotay's back with
trembling fingers. As he began to move inside the older man's body,
he continued his narrative with a shaking voice. "The Maquis come
after me and I finally -- shit, *yes* -- I finally lose my temper and
break someone's nose. I get thrown in the brig and you -- oh *gods* -
- you come down to see me and tie me down and -- damn, I love this, I
*love* this -- you fuck me for my punishment, then tell me that you
love me anyway." His motions grew a little more frenzied, and he
stopped speaking with a gasp.
Chakotay was too far beyond speech to continue the story himself, he
was reduced to gasping and moaning, thrusting back against Tom in a
desperate attempt to drive him in deeper. Gods, he needed more,
needed it harder and faster and deeper, oh spirits it felt so damn
good...
Tom's hand came around his body and grabbed Chakotay's erection.
Chakotay gasped and jerked in Tom's hand, ass muscles clenching
involuntarily, and Tom's body froze for an instant. Then, suddenly,
Tom forced himself in up to the hilt and whispered desperately, "Gods,
I love you." His body shook, his breath was hot on Chakotay's back,
and he came, explosively and thoroughly, sobbing with the pleasure of
it.
Chakotay's mind was stuck in a loop, hearing Tom's voice saying that
he loved him, over and over and over. Spirits, it was going to be all
right, they were together and Tom loved him ... emotion and physical
sensation melted together, sent lightning flaring through his system ...
he gasped and screamed, then came all over Tom's hand in one
ecstatic burst.
They collapsed on the bed together, Tom lying heavily on Chakotay's
back, both too drained to do anything more energetic than breathing.
Finally, Tom groaned and rolled off to one side. "Shit, I'm going to be
sore tomorrow," he said, rubbing at his side where bruises in the shape
of finger-marks were already starting to form.
"You and me both," Chakotay agreed. His skin was much darker than
Tom's, so it didn't show the marks as readily, but he'd certainly have
welts on his back where Tom had scratched him.
"Tell me, Teddy --" Tom began.
"Don't call me that," Chakotay said, trying to hide his grin. He was
growing more used to the nickname by the day, and got a definite kick
out of it now, but continued (when he remembered) to put up a mock
show of defiance when Tom used it.
Tom ignored him. "Is it going to be this intense every time we fuck
now, or just when we have big emotionally draining scenes
immediately beforehand?" He was lying on the bed, not moving, not
even bothering to grab the towel at the side of the bed to clean himself
up.
"I don't know about you, but I don't plan on having any more big
emotionally draining scenes," Chakotay said, softly. "I think we've
just about covered everything." He rolled over to get the towel,
groaning. "Anyway, the sex was always this intense."
"Ah, but that was when we were just fucking," Tom said, playfully
grabbing the towel out of Chakotay's hands before the older man was
done with it. "Now we're in love, making love. It's going to be so
*special*." His voice held nothing but humor.
"Shit," Chakotay cursed, grabbing the towel back from Tom and
poking him for good measure. "Is *everything* a joke to you?"
"Pretty much," Tom said, yawning. "Live with it, Teddy."
"Tom," Chakotay said, rolling the towel up and aiming carefully for
Tom's ass, "don't call me Teddy." He flicked the towel sharply and was
rewarded with a satisfying 'smack' and an even more satisfying yelp
from Tom. A short, violent wrestling match ensued, which ended up
with Tom on the floor, pinned underneath Chakotay.
"Shit," Tom laughed, struggling in vain to throw Chakotay off of him,
"now I know why they call you 'Big Man'. You weigh a ton, Teddy."
"I just told you not to call me Teddy. Now I have to punish you,"
Chakotay said, trying to be serious and failing. He gripped both of
Tom's wrists in one hand, and tickled him relentlessly until Tom
begged for mercy, laughing so hard he started hiccuping. Chakotay
released him, and Tom stood up, massaging his neck. He pulled on
shorts and a t-shirt, and walked over to the replicator.
"I don't know about you, but I'm starving." He hiccuped. "Fuck, I'm
going to be doing this for the next
lot, Big Man."
"Any time," Chakotay said. He moved to stand beside Tom in front of
the replicator. "I'll order. Pasta o.k.?"
"Fine." Hiccup. "Shit."
"Kildavian olives?"
"Of course." Hiccup. "Shit!"
"You want a paper bag to breathe into?"
"No." Hiccup. "Doesn't help." Hiccup. "Gods, they're getting
*worse*."
"You want to go to the Doctor? I'm sure he can give you something."
"Right. That's all I need." Hiccup. "I'll be all right in a while. Order
some wine."
"Yes, sir." Chakotay punched the order into the replicator, and pulled
on some clothes while he waited for the food to materialize. He
watched Tom set the table, his body convulsing involuntarily every
once in a while. "Tom, you're really cute when you jerk around that
way."
Hiccup. "Fuck you."
"You already did."
"So I did." Tom pulled Theodore T. Bear off his dresser where'd he'd
spent the evening (face turned discreetly to the wall), and placed him
on the table, so he could join them for dinner. Tom adjusted the bear's
tiny red shirt, smoothed the fur on the top of his head, and carefully
replaced the miniature tennis racket in his hands with a miniature
padd.
Chakotay felt a rush of affection tear through him. "Tom?"
Hiccup. "Yes?"
"I love you."
Tom grinned. "I know."
Well, Big Man, Chakotay thought to himself, he didn't say it back, but
at least he didn't run screaming out the door. It's a start.
-----
End Part 4
The next morning, when the alarm went off, Chakotay and Tom both
groaned. Tom struggled to sit up, wincing.
Chakotay took one look at Tom's body and drew in his breath.
"Spirits, Tom, you're bruised all over."
"As if I couldn't tell," Tom said sarcastically. "Shit. I'm *really*
sore. No more wrestling matches after sex, Big Man." He tried to get
out of bed, but fell back, groaning. "Fuck. What the hell did you do,
pound me with a baseball bat while I was sleeping?"
Chakotay didn't answer. He was starting to get a little concerned.
Hell, the sex hadn't been *that* rough, and he thought he'd been pretty
restrained while they were wrestling ... but Tom was black and blue
everywhere, and Chakotay was pretty sure he wasn't faking the pain.
"Where's your tricorder, Tom?"
"Top drawer of my desk." Tom had given up on trying to get out of
bed, and was just lying there, rubbing his neck.
Chakotay got out of bed, and Tom started laughing. "What is it?"
Chakotay said, stretching slightly.
"You should see your back, Teddy."
"Scratched?"
"You could say that."
"You need to trim your nails."
"Apparently."
Chakotay returned to the bedroom with the tricorder, and pointed it at
Tom. He heaved a small sigh of relief. "No major damage, Tom. It's
all surface bruising. I can heal it with the regenerator."
"Do you have to?" Tom pouted. He really liked to keep the bruises.
"Yes. There's no way you'll be able to sit through your shift. If you
don't want me to do it, you go to Sickbay, and the Doctor can heal
them..."
"No way. He's still doing that damn study on mating rituals. I refuse
to allow my sex life to be fodder for some ridiculous anthropological
study. Go ahead and regenerate me. When you're done, I'll get rid of
those scratches on your back."
"Fine."
By the time they'd gotten each other patched up, and had gotten
showered, shaved, and dressed, it was too late to go to breakfast.
Instead, they headed straight to the bridge. While they were in the
turbolift, Tom commented conversationally, "Megan's going to kill
us."
"Why?"
"Because we didn't show up in the mess hall this morning, so she'll
have to wait until lunch to find out what happened."
Chakotay chuckled. "Oh gods. I hadn't thought about that. Kathryn's
going to be all over us, asking for details."
Tom nodded. "Harry and B'Elanna too. Maybe we should make a
ship-wide announcement, get everyone off our backs." He grinned. "I
bet Captain Janeway would do it if we asked."
"Don't be ridiculous," Chakotay said, shaking his head, as the doors to
the turbolift opened and they were deposited on the bridge. They
made their way directly to the briefing room, where Janeway was
sitting, reading a report on the planet they were due to visit the next
day.
She looked up as they entered, and a slow smile spread across her face.
"Good morning, gentlemen," she said, a twinkle in her eye. "I looked
for you at breakfast."
"We weren't there," Chakotay answered placidly.
"Uh huh," she said, encouragingly, looking from one to the other.
After a few seconds, she tapped her foot impatiently. "Well???"
"Well, what, Captain?" Tom asked.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?"
Tom let a look of confusion cross his face. "I'm sorry?" He turned to
Chakotay, wearing an expression of beatific innocence. "Commander,
can you think of anything we should be telling the Captain?"
"No, Lieutenant," Chakotay said, maintaining a serious expression
with some difficulty. Gods, Tom was good at this sort of game, but
he'd never been able to master the art, himself.
Janeway frowned at Tom. "Don't kid around with me, Mr. Paris. I've
been waiting on pins and needles for the two of you to walk in here
this morning and I *refuse* to allow--" She paused. "Good morning,
Tuvok."
"Good morning, Captain. Commander. Lieutenant." Tuvok took his
seat. Janeway twisted her mouth in disapproval at Chakotay, but kept
quiet.
Seconds later, Harry and B'Elanna walked in, whispering to each
other. They stopped when they saw Tom and Chakotay. B'Elanna bit
her lip, and glanced at Harry. Harry looked back and forth from Tom
to Chakotay, then shrugged back at B'Elanna. The room was silent for
a few seconds until B'Elanna burst out, "Well???"
"There's that question again, Chakotay," Tom said, speculatively.
"You'd think we had some news to report or something."
"You'd think," Chakotay said. A weak response. Tom shook his head
in mock despair and took his seat.
B'Elanna sat down next to Chakotay and nudged him in the ribs. "So,
what happened?" she stage-whispered.
Chakotay glanced sideways at her, then turned helplessly to Tom, who
was maintaining a poker face with ease. "Boy," he remarked to no one
in particular. "Some people on this ship sure are nosy. Maybe you
could give them lessons in maintaining proper decorum, Tuvok."
Tuvok raised an eyebrow and considered the suggestion thoughtfully.
"I have tried, on occasion," he said calmly, "to instill a sense of what
does and does not constitute proper behavior aboard a starship.
Unfortunately, it seems that most of the crew are uninterested in
learning such a lesson ... yourself included, Mr. Paris."
Tom raised an eyebrow back. "I think I was just insulted by a
Vulcan."
"Vulcans do not insult others, Lieutenant. We merely state ... facts."
Tom turned to Harry. "He did it again. Can you believe this guy? I'm
still recovering from a staggeringly emotional evening, and he's
insulting me."
"If you are referring to the outcome of your talk with Commander
Chakotay," Tuvok said placidly, "it is obvious that the two of you have
resolved your issues. Therefore, I doubt you are suffering from any
severe emotional difficulties that would leave you especially vulnerable
to insults."
Tom opened his mouth and closed it several times before he could
bring himself to speak. Finally, he spluttered, "Who told *you*?"
"Who told me what, Lieutenant?"
"Who told you we were having a talk?"
"No one told me," Tuvok replied calmly. "It has been apparent over
the past few days that you and Commander Chakotay were under a
great deal of stress. You have both been distracted, and your
performance efficiency has been reduced. Further, you have been
talking to Mr. Kim approximately twice as often as usual, in a manner
that suggested you were asking his advice. Yesterday, Commander
Chakotay avoided going to lunch until you had returned, despite the
fact that you typically eat lunch together, therefore he was avoiding
you; however, I passed him in the hallway at dinner time and he was
heading for your cabin. Additionally, since the relationship between
yourself and the Commander has until this point been exclusively
sexual, and it is obvious that Commander Chakotay would not be
satisfied with such a relationship, it was logical to assume that the two
of you would eventually discuss it. Given your agitated emotional
state yesterday, it was an obvious deduction that the discussion was to
take place last night."
Tom gaped at him, then shook his head violently to clear it.
"Inspector Tuvok returns. Shit. You don't miss anything, do you?"
"Very little." Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "I would also point out that
the use of profanity while on duty is an example of the inappropriate
behavior I am attempting to discourage."
Tom snorted, and Janeway made a belated attempt to bring the
briefing to order. "Gentlemen, please. We do have some business to
discuss. Mr. Neelix has informed me that there is a colony of traders
in close proximity to the planet we'll be visiting. He thinks we might
be able to arrange to purchase some medical supplies the Doctor has
been requesting." She took a quick look at the padd in front of her.
"Commander Chakotay. I'd like you to lead an away-team on a quick
reconnaissance mission to K'mtari II, and map out the best plan of
attack for our supply mission."
Chakotay nodded. Janeway continued. "Harry, you mentioned that
long-range scans showed something unusual about the planet's
atmosphere?"
Harry nodded. "Yes. There's a lot of ionic interference. It should
have no effect on plant or animal life, but it will make it impossible to
beam directly down to the planet. It will also make tricorder and
sensor readings unreliable except at very short distances." He gestured
towards Chakotay. "They'll be doing a lot of recon by foot."
Janeway nodded decisively. "I don't see any problem with that. There
are no signs of large animal life -- I imagine this will be an entirely
non-hazardous mission, except perhaps for the atmospheric descent.
Lieutenant Paris, I'd like you to pilot the shuttle."
"Of course, Captain," Tom said, grinning. Chakotay smiled to
himself. Tom loved piloting Voyager, but still, he'd confessed to
Chakotay that his true love was flying smaller spacecraft. There was
much more skill and finesse involved, or so he claimed. Starships,
Tom was fond of remarking, practically flew themselves.
"Commander," Janeway said, "I'd like to step up the pace of our
training of the Maquis crewmembers. Most of them have not yet been
on away missions. This seems like a perfect opportunity to give a few
of them that experience." She glanced at the padd again. "I was
considering Katera Beral -- if you have no objections Mr. Tuvok."
"None at all, Captain," Tuvok replied. "Crewman Katera has proven
to be an excellent asset to the security team, and I believe she would
benefit from some away-team experience."
"Excellent," Janeway said. "I was also considering David Vasicek, if
you can spare him for a few hours, B'Elanna? You told me you
thought he was getting itchy, staying in Engineering all day."
B'Elanna nodded. "He's still adjusting to life on a Starfleet ship,
Captain. I think this sort of mission would do him good, give him a
chance to see there's more to life than the engine room." Tom and
Harry gave her identical, incredulous glances, and she blushed.
"Well, then," Janeway said, "unless there's other business to discuss,
let's adjourn." Everyone stood up, and milled around for a bit. Tuvok
was the first out the door. Janeway pulled Chakotay to the side. "I
expect full disclosure, Chakotay, although Tuvok has apparently
determined that the end result was favorable..."
Chakotay nodded, smiling. "You could say that. You could definitely
say that." He looked across the room at Tom, and smiled.
B'Elanna and Harry were talking to Tom, and although Chakotay
missed Harry's comment, he could hear Tom's response perfectly.
"Gosh, Harry, good thing for you I made a vid recording of the whole
evening. I even marked the good spots, so you can skip over all the
boring talk and get right to the sex..."
Poor Harry blushed beet red, and hurried out to the bridge. Tom
laughed at his back, and pulled B'Elanna back a step before she
followed Harry. "Hey, B'Elanna, you want to have lunch today? I
need to get some dirt on Chakotay."
Chakotay was about to intervene, but B'Elanna's answer was quick and
satisfactorily negative. "No way, Paris. I already told you, I'm not
trading sex stories with you. I *like* Chakotay."
"But he got Megan, Jenny, and Sue to tell him stories about *me*,"
Tom whined. "It's not fair ... "
B'Elanna looked thoughtful for a minute, and Chakotay started getting
nervous. Then B'Elanna shook her head. "Nah. Suffer. You want to
know how to make him crazy, Tom, you're just going to have to figure
it out yourself."
Tom smiled an evil smile. "Oh, I already know how to make him
crazy."
"Then what do you need my help for?"
Tom looked thoughtful. "I guess I don't. Ah well. If you ever change
your mind, B'Elanna, you know where to find me."
B'Elanna laughed. "Yeah. Kneeling at Chakotay's feet."
"B'Elanna!" Tom said, shocked. "You have a filthy mind."
She shook her head. "No I don't. I didn't mean anything by it.
*You're* the one with the filthy mind." She headed towards the
bridge. "I'll see you later, Tom. I'm heading down to Engineering."
Tom followed her out the door, and Chakotay watched him go.
Janeway tapped him on the arm. "Eavesdropping is generally not
considered polite, Commander."
"I wasn't eavesdropping," he said defensively. "Anyway, they were
talking about me."
"Uh huh," she said skeptically. She gave him a warm smile. "So
everything worked out o.k.?"
"Yes," Chakotay said. "I think so."
"Congratulations," she said with a grin, and gave him a peck on the
cheek. "I hope you'll be very happy together."
"We will be, Kathryn. We've made it through the rough part. Now
we'll be able to relax and enjoy each other's company for a while."
Janeway nodded, and led Chakotay to the door, to get back to the
bridge. "I wasn't kidding," she reminded him as the doors opened. "I
expect full disclosure."
Chakotay laughed. "Kathryn, the thought of giving you less than the
full truth never even crossed my mind."
*****
Lunchtime. Chakotay and Tom went to the mess hall together, found
something edible among the various offerings, and sat down to a quiet
meal. They'd barely taken their first two bites before Megan and Jenny
Delaney arrived, followed closely by Sue Nicoletti.
From his vantage point, Chakotay could see Megan point and gesture
in their direction. He poked Tom with his fork. "We're about to
overrun by a horde of females," he said.
"A horde?" Tom said, curiously.
"Well, 'horde' may be a bit of an exaggeration. The Delaneys and Sue
Nicoletti just walked in."
"Can we escape?"
"No. They've already seen us."
"Oh. Brace for impact."
Chakotay grinned fondly at him in the few seconds they had before
Megan, Jenny, and Sue sat down, all at once.
"Good afternoon, ladies," Tom said pleasantly.
"Good afternoon," Megan said. She looked back and forth at the two
of them. "Well, you're eating together, and you're smiling at each
other, so this is either the continuation of the longest relationship
discussion on record, or you worked it out last night."
Tom and Chakotay's eyes met, briefly. "I guess you could say we
worked it out," Tom said with a grin. "We're still together, if that's
what you mean."
Megan's face broke out into a beautiful smile. "Oh, that's great!" She
kissed Tom gently on the cheek. "I'm so happy for you."
Jenny grinned also. "I'm happy for you too. I can hardly believe it,
but it's really wonderful."
Sue smiled sweetly. "How long did it take to decide?"
"How long?" Tom repeated, puzzled. "I don't know. We weren't
timing it."
"You must have *some* idea," Sue persisted.
"I really don't know. About an hour, I guess," Tom said, shrugging.
"Why do you care?" His eyes widened as he looked at Sue. "Don't tell
me you were *betting* on it!"
Embarrassed looks all around. "Just a little bet. A few rations. We
would have bet on the outcome of the talk," Megan said sheepishly,
"but we all agreed you'd end up together."
Chakotay didn't know whether to be amused or offended, but Tom had
rather quickly decided on amused. "So," he asked, laughing, "who
won the pool?"
"I think I did," Jenny said happily. "I guessed the discussion would
take 45 minutes."
Sue giggled. "I guessed fifteen minutes."
"Fifteen minutes???" Tom was astounded. "What did you think we
were going to do, declare our undying love for each other and jump
into bed?"
"Pretty much," Sue said, unperturbed. "Heck, every time you look at
each other the lust alarms go off ... I didn't think you'd be able to last
more than a quarter hour without tearing off each other's clothes."
Tom snorted and turned to Megan. "And you, Miss Delaney? How
long did *you* bet it would take?"
Megan looked down at the table. "Three hours."
Tom was dumbfounded, and even Chakotay was shocked. "What did
you possibly think we had to say that would take three hours?"
"There are a lot of issues in a relationship," Megan said defensively.
"Tom's never done this before ... I thought it would take a while to
work everything out."
"Fine," Tom said, "but three hours? Hell, the Volnar-Cardassian
peace treaty was settled in less time than that."
Megan folded her arms. "I stand behind my estimate. Either both of
you are faster talkers than I'd realized, or you didn't discuss everything
you should have ..." Her voice trailed off, and she blushed
uncomfortably.
Tom's suddenly serious eyes met Megan's for a long second, before
they both looked away. Tom cleared his throat and changed the topic,
and Chakotay made a mental note to ask Tom later what the hell
*that* was all about.
Megan, Jenny, and Sue finished their meals and then politely excused
themselves. Tom smiled at them as they left, then turned his attention
back to Chakotay, who was looking at him thoughtfully. "What?" he
asked, suspiciously.
"Nothing," Chakotay said. He opted at the last minute not to discuss
that odd moment with Megan. "It's just funny."
"What's funny?"
"You're so relaxed with them."
Tom looked at him curiously. "Why shouldn't I be relaxed with them?
We're friends."
"You're not that relaxed with Harry and B'Elanna."
"Sure I am. That's ridiculous. You're imagining things." His eyes
closed briefly, then snapped open. "Oh no. Don't tell me you're still
jealous. We're just *friends*, Teddy."
Chakotay laughed. "For once, I'm feeling secure enough not to be
jealous. It's not that. I've just noticed that you're more ... yourself ...
with them than with anybody else."
Tom reflected on this carefully. "Maybe," he said, at last. "I guess I
don't have anything to prove to them. With Harry, sometimes, I have
to watch how I act, or what I do, because if I say something wrong, he
gives me this *look*, like, 'Tom, you're the son of an *admiral*, how
could you *say* that?'. Every once in a while, I feel like I have to put
on a show for him, so I don't disappoint him." He paused. "But don't
get me wrong, Chakotay. Harry's the best friend I've ever had. Ever."
"Why?" Chakotay asked, genuinely curious.
Tom smiled. "Because he's Harry," as if that explained everything,
and maybe, Chakotay reflected, to Tom, it did. Tom continued,
"Because he heard everything bad there was to hear about me, and
decided to give me a chance anyway. Also," he said, lowering his
voice a bit, "he's a guy, so there was never any of that awkward sexual
tension thing."
Chakotay raised an eyebrow at him and Tom laughed. "Yeah, well,
that was in my *other* lifetime." A slightly evil expression crossed
his face. "Hey, Big Man, maybe it's not the triplets you should be
worried about. Maybe it's Harry. Have you ever noticed how cute he
is when he's pouting, and his lower lips puffs out?"
An absolutely stricken expression crossed Chakotay's face, and Tom
shook his head. "Oh, for the love of ... ... calm down, Big Man. I was
*kidding*. I am not *remotely* interested in Harry Kim in that way.
Or any other men on the ship. Or any other *women* on the ship.
O.k.? I'm yours, all right? 100% yours." He patted Chakotay's hand
gently, and raised it to his lips for a soft kiss.
Chakotay's heart was suddenly pounding. Tom had kissed him in
public before, more than once, but it had always been obviously erotic,
a sort of public foreplay, and had never really implied anything other
than a sexual relationship between them. This kiss though, a soft little
touch of hand to mouth, was private and personal and incredibly
intimate, and the fact that Tom would do it in public spoke volumes.
Chakotay couldn't speak for a minute, then he managed to whisper,
"Thank you."
Tom was puzzled. "For what?" He was still holding Chakotay's hand
in his own.
"For that kiss." Chakotay smiled. "It's what I was talking about last
night. It's what we were missing."
Tom looked at him blankly for a minute, then smiled softly as
understanding filled him. "You're so easy to please, Teddy," he said,
voice teasing but eyes serious.
The emotion built up suddenly. Chakotay felt his heart begin to pound
again, but it was lunchtime, and they had to go back to the bridge. He
had to break the tension, somehow. There was one sure way to do it ...
"Tom," he said, extricating his hand from Tom's loose grip, "don't call
me Teddy."
-----
End Part 5
K'mtari II was a beautiful planet. Two suns, lush foliage, friendly
fauna, and rich in stunning pastoral vistas and natural rock
formations. Chakotay was wandering around, quite happily. It had
been three days since The Talk, and Chakotay didn't think he'd ever
been this happy in his entire life. The days were wonderful, the nights
were ... unbelievable ... and if Tom was still waking up in the middle
of the night, well, it was hardly enough to get upset about when
everything else was so perfect.
The shuttle trip to the planet had been a bit tense; Tom was
uncomfortably aware of Vasicek and Katera's barely disguised
hostility, which was held in check only by Chakotay's immediate
presence. Tom still wouldn't talk to Chakotay about the Maquis, but
Chakotay could pick up enough information from other sources to
know that the situation had gotten only marginally better than from its
low point the month before.
On the other hand, the ionic interference Harry had mentioned had
made for an interesting ride down to the planet's surface. Apparently
at no point had they been in any real danger, but Chakotay was pretty
sure he'd left his stomach somewhere back in the upper atmosphere.
Tom had remained calm and pleasantly cheerful the whole way down
... at one point, he'd actually been *whistling*.
They split up once they'd landed and pinpointed their location. Each
of them had a specific area to cover, and specific items to search for.
Tom and David Vasicek set off to locate possible edible foodstuffs,
while Katera and Chakotay were looking for mineral deposits. Damn,
Chakotay swore to himself, peering at his tricorder, Harry hadn't been
kidding when he said the readings would be difficult to read.
Wait, there, maybe that was something ... no, now it was gone ... wait,
there it was again...
Chakotay wandered off course slightly, following the elusive readings
on his tricorder. He squinted at the display, as if that would somehow
cut through the ionic interference. Not watching where he was going,
he didn't see the natural pit hidden by some low bushes and leaves.
Before his brain could even process the stomach-turning sensation of
falling, he hit the ground, hard.
Ow. Gods. What just happened? His brain was moving slowly. You
fell, Big Man. Shit. Ow. His head hurt. Probably a concussion. He
tried to reach for his communicator, was mildly surprised when he
couldn't move either arm to do it. Damn, that's bad. He should have
been upset, but somehow, he wasn't. He was calm, actually. Peaceful.
It was sort of pleasant, lying here. His head didn't even hurt any more.
Nothing hurt. Actually, he couldn't feel anything. Oh. Broken back,
probably.
Am I dying? he wondered, calmly. This isn't so bad. Strange, though.
It can happen so fast, one minute you're walking along on a routine
away mission, then the next ... bam, you're dead.
Oh no. Tom. For the first time, panic set in. Not for himself --
Chakotay had no fear of death, it was a natural part of life, and he was
comfortable that his soul would rejoin the spirits of his ancestors -- but
for Tom. He had to stay alive long enough to say good-bye to Tom.
His death would be hard enough for the younger man, but if they could
at least talk once more before it happened, it might be easier. He tried
to call out, but no sound emerged from his throat. He couldn't speak,
couldn't move, could only lie still and wait and hope they'd find him
before the end.
Time passed, not too long, but it was very difficult to tell. He was
floating in and out of consciousness, preparing himself for the next
stage of existence, saying good-bye in his mind to the people he was
going to leave behind. Then , vaguely, he heard a voice calling him.
Tiny, tinny. Coming from his comm badge.
"Paris to Chakotay." A pause. Chakotay waited. "Paris to Chakotay.
Commander?" Silence again for a while, the his comm badge chirped
another time. "Paris to Chakotay. Chakotay, can you hear me?" The
voice held a tinge of panic. Chakotay ached to acknowledge the hail,
but he couldn't move, couldn't talk ... hell, he could barely think.
More time passed. They tried to hail him every few minutes. Tom
and Vasicek and Katera. Voices alternating, all getting progressively
more and more concerned when he didn't answer. The world was
becoming a little fuzzy around the edges. It didn't upset him. He
heard his own breathing -- it was getting ragged. Hard to make his
lungs work. That didn't upset him either.
The sun moved a bit across the sky. Chakotay estimated he'd been
lying on the ground for over an hour. Dying was taking a long time.
He was holding on to say good-bye to Tom, but if they didn't find him
soon, he wouldn't get the chance. A rustling in the distance alerted
him to movement. Voices, muffled by distance, moved closer, became
clearer.
Vasicek was speaking. "This is taking too long. I say we go back to
the shuttle."
"And do what?" Tom was talking, angrily. "The shuttle sensors won't
work any better than our tricorders, and the readings are so erratic we
could fly right over him and never know it."
"We could contact Voyager, get some help," Vasicek suggested
sullenly.
Tom's voice was firm in negation. "They're not even in this system.
It'll take hours. No. We're staying until we find him."
"Beral and I can stay and look for him. You can fly the shuttle back."
"You seriously expect me to leave him here?"
"Oh, come off it, Paris. It's just me and Beral, here. You don't have to
put on such a big show for us, pretending you really care about
Chakotay. We know you're just fucking him to get a promotion."
Chakotay could hear the cold fury in Tom's voice. "Fuck you. You
don't know shit about it, Vasicek. You and your little self-righteous
Maquis friends, always claiming you're looking out for Chakotay's best
interests, when all you're really looking to do is bully me around like a
pack of kids in a school yard. I'm not interested in playing your stupid
little games, all right? I don't have to defend myself to you."
Chakotay closed his eyes as a wave of dizziness passed over him. He
could hear Tom still speaking, drawing nearer. "You don't like me.
You know what? I don't like you, either, but that's personal, and it
stays out of this mission. I outrank both of you and we are *staying*
here until we find him, so shut up and pull out your tricorders and
scan until you find something. That's a direct order. Disobey it and
I'll see that you rot in the brig for insubordination for the next six
months."
Tom's voice had become forcefully assertive. Chakotay had heard
Tom speak in fun, in anger, and in the throes of passion, but he'd
never before heard Tom sound this confident, this powerful and
compelling. It was a command voice, Chakotay realized, impossible
to disobey, the distilled product of seven generations of Parises in the
highest ranks of Starfleet.
Shocked silence above him for a few seconds, before both Katera and
Vasicek responded quietly, "Yes, sir." Quiet electronic beeping, three
tricorders scanning the area, soft footsteps crushing dried foliage
underfoot.
Katera's soft soprano disturbed the quiet, a few moments later.
"Lieutenant?" Her tone was respectful. "I think I might have
something, but it's very hard to read through the interference."
Chakotay heard footsteps as Tom and Vasicek joined Katera. "See,
sir? I can't read any lifesigns, but I think that's his comm badge. I
can't locate it precisely."
"Chakotay!" Tom called, having given up on the comm badge.
Chakotay wanted to answer, tried so hard to answer, but lacked the
strength. "Fuck it," he heard Tom swear. "Where the hell is he?"
More beeps, then Tom said, "He's *below* us. About 6 meters.
Chakotay, where are you?"
Chakotay heard branches b