This is a ridiculous little parody I wrote after seeing Demon. I couldn't help it. It just happened. But seriously, didja ever wonder what might have happened if Chakotay hadn't been such a careful, cautious stick in the mud when down on that planet with Tom-2 and Seven? 'Coz I did. ;)
Apologies for any misquotes of the dialogue and any typos. This is a really twisted little vignette, and was inspired by the scene where Tom is exhorting Chak to take off his helmet on the planet. I couldn't help but think ... what if???
"Oops"
copyright 1998
by Maisie
(maisierita@comcast.net)
(Voy, G, parody)
All characters, setting, etc, etc, etc, belong to Paramount. I am blatantly stealing them for this little short story.
Setting: The Demon planet Location: Next to a deeeeep pit Time: Immediately following Cmdr Chakotay's rescue by the fortutitous and mysterious appearance of Tom Paris sans EnviroSuit
"I'm telling you, Chakotay, it was an exhilirating experience!"
"I'm sure it was, Tom. But let's get you back to the ship."
"I wouldn't have thought a big Indian like you would be afraid of a little poisoned atmosphere."
Silence. "I'm not afraid."
"Of course you are. C'mon, Chakotay, don't you trust me?"
"That's not the point."
"Then you *are* chicken."
"I am *not* chicken."
Seven interrupts. "Lieutenant, why do you continue to insist that Commander Chakotay is a short, flightless fowl?"
Tom laughs. "It's a human expression, Seven. It means I think he's being a weenie."
"A weenie?"
"A wimp. A scaredy-cat. A baby. A sissy. A coward. A--"
"I understand. You think his refusal to remove his helmet demonstrates a lack of courage."
"Yep."
Seven nods. "Agreed."
"Hey!" Chakotay glares at Seven. "I am not a coward! I'm simply being careful. It would be foolhardy to take off this helmet. We don't even know what happened to Tom. He shouldn't be able to breathe this atmosphere or stand the heat."
Seven runs a tricorder over Tom. "His vital signs are normal, Commander."
"See?" Tom crosses his arms and stares expectantly at Chakotay.
Chakotay scowls at him, then catches Seven staring at him expectantly as well. "No! I am not taking off my helmet in the middle of a toxic greenhouse! It's suicide!"
"Do I look dead to you Commander?"
"No. I'm still not doing it."
"Chicken."
"I am NOT chicken." Chakotay puffs angrily. "Fine." He starts reaching for the clasps of his helmet and pulls it off with one swift motion.
In less than ten seconds, he is down on the ground, gasping like a fish out of water, clawing at the chemical burns forming on his face, and turning bright red from the intolerable heat.
Tom watches patiently.
"It does not look exhilirating," Seven comments.
Tom nods. "It gets better. He's gotta suffocate first. Harry and I did." He scratches his chin thoughtfully. "Funny, I don't remember getting burns like that though."
They watch patiently for a few more minutes until Chakotay has stopped flopping about.
Seven raises an eyebrow as she scans his still form. "And?"
"Any minute now ..." Tom says confidently.
"He appears to be dead."
"I'm sure he's just getting acclimated."
"How long should it take?"
"I don't really know. I wasn't conscious when it happened to me."
They wait patiently for over a half an hour, when suddenly, running footsteps approach. "Tom!"
"Harry."
"Tom, you won't believe what I found! There are two of us lying on the ground not far from here, still in the EnviroSuits."
Tom casts a nervous glance at the still figure on the floor of the cavern. "Uh, two of us?"
"Yeah, duplicates. But I don't think they're the duplicates, I think we are. Remember right before we woke up, there was that weird melting sensation?"
"Yeah..."
"I think that was when we were created. I'm pretty sure we're formed from the silver liquid on this planet. How else would we be able to breathe this air?"
"Harry, an hour ago you were swearing we were human! You said we'd adapted to the planet!"
Harry shrugs. "I guess I was wrong. So? No harm done, right?"
Seven clears her throat and glances pointedly at Chakotay's body. "I presume then that there is no chance that Commander Chakotay will revive any time in the near future?"
Tom gives a nervous laugh. "Oops."
*****
The End! ;)
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