"We Three Together" (Chakotay)
by Maisie
(maisierita@comcast.net)
copyright 1998
(Voy, J/C/P, R)
I thought it was just lust. I swear it, Father, I really thought it was just lust. The way my body reacted whenever he walked into the room ... the way my heart rate sped up and my breathing quickened, the way the blood rushed to certain parts of my anatomy, even the way I had trouble concentrating on anybody else when he was speaking ... I honestly thought it was just lust.
I thought I wasn't in love with him, because I was in love with Kathryn. Sweet, sexy, intelligent, courageous, wonderful, marvelous Kathryn. I wanted her from the day I set foot on this ship. For a long time, I didn't think I'd ever get her. She had a lover in the Alpha Quadrant, and she was faithful to his memory. For years. Then we were stranded together on New Earth, and things changed. Subtly. I think I fell in love with her there, and I'm willing to bet she fell in love with me there, too. But we did nothing about it. It was too complicated, and we were too different. And then there was the whole issue of Tom Paris.
I never understood what Kathryn saw in him. She wasn't, so far as I could tell, attracted to him like I was. Yes, damn it, I was attracted to him from the beginning, before I even liked him, and it drove me crazy. Back then it definitely *was* just lust. But then, on New Earth, we spoke about him. Not only him -- we were down there for a long time, Father, and we spoke about everything we could think of -- but we had several conversations specifically about him. I hid my attraction and expressed my doubts. Kathryn just shook her head sadly and said, "You don't really know him, Chakotay."
Later, when we got back on the ship, I began to wonder if she was right. So I looked up Tom's record and found out it was mostly classified. My curiosity bested my conscience a few days later, and I hacked into the classified records and read them. There wasn't a lot there, Father, but it was enough for me to begin to suspect why Tom rarely mentioned his father, and never spoke of his time in prison.
No cliches, Father. I didn't start mooning over him, but I *did* begin to suspect I'd misjudged him, or at least had not given him a chance to prove himself to me. So I cleared my mental slate and tried to judge him objectively, and found that he was intelligent, funny, charming, a hell of a good pilot, and eventually, a good friend.
Nothing much happened after that, for a while. I grew closer to Tom, and closer still to Kathryn. My physical attraction to Tom deepened, as did my emotional ties to Kathryn. I knew, by this point, that I was in love with her, and yet I was afraid to really pursue her. It didn't feel right, although I wasn't sure why.
Then, all of a sudden, Tom and B'Elanna were dating. He'd been chasing after her for months, but when nothing had happened down on Sakari, I'd assumed nothing ever would. I was wrong. Suddenly, you couldn't turn down a corridor without finding the two of them in a corner, plastered all over each other. The physical attraction between the two of them was tangible, and I thought the emotional connection was there as well. Tom was certainly in love with B'Elanna. You could see it in his eyes every time he looked at her. He practically glowed with it.
That was it, Father. Seeing Tom with B'Elanna freed me, so to speak, and let me pursue Kathryn in earnest. I no longer accepted 'no' as an answer when I asked her to dinner, and I made up the most ridiculous excuses to spend time with her. She tolerated it with a smile, apparently having decided it was time for us as well. Still, we took things slowly. We were almost there ...
... and then it happened.
Spirits. I don't think I can explain it, Father. I don't know what came over me. All I know is that when Seven came into the mess hall and made her quiet pronouncement, Tom's world crumbled to dust around him, and I lost sight of everything and everyone but him. Tom was up and out of the room in seconds, and I was later told that I followed him so quickly, I knocked my chair over and left it lying on the floor.
I don't remember following him into the corridor. I do remember seeing him huddled against the wall, shaking, and I also remember thinking it was vitally important that I hold him as close as I could. So I did, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't hold him tight enough to stop the trembling, and I was worried he'd shake himself to pieces.
Then Kathryn came, and wrapped her arms around us both.
The next months were bad ones. If we'd been in the Alpha Quadrant, Tom could have transferred off the ship, but here there was nowhere for him to run. He had to stay on the ship, with *them*. And it didn't help that they practically lived in their quarters when they were off-duty, because they were senior staff, and we saw them every morning at staff meetings. It was like living in Hell, Father, for Tom, and for Kathryn and myself. For Tom, because he was too proud to let Harry and B'Elanna know how much he was hurting, and for Kathryn and myself because we loved him and we couldn't tell him yet. We could only be with him as much as possible, and try to keep his mind off things.
I moved Harry off Alpha shift pretty quickly, not to punish him, but because Bridge efficiency was down by almost 15%, and the tension in the air was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. Engineering was tougher. We needed B'Elanna on Alpha shift, but she was having difficulty maintaining her authority. I'd have stepped in and tried to set things straight, but I really had no idea what to do. How can you order people to respect someone for whom they've lost all respect? But the crew is a good one, Father; they obeyed her orders and followed her directions, albeit sullenly.
Tom and Kathryn and I spent every evening together, but spent the nights alone. Tom wasn't ready for more yet, and Kathryn and I had both realized that she and I weren't going to happen as a couple. Not without Tom.
Then, a few months later while we were orbiting a pleasant M- class planet, letting the crew enjoy a well-deserved shore leave, I entered Kathryn's quarters holding a padd. She was there with Tom, and I can't quite recall what they were doing when I walked in, but it's not important. Kathryn was on the couch and Tom was on the bed. I tossed the padd onto the bed next to him. "Harry and B'Elanna put in a request for shared quarters," I said bluntly. "They got married down on the planet this afternoon."
Tact has never been my strong point, Father. Kathryn whispered something under her breath, but Tom just stared at me silently. I realized that it hurt him just as much as it had on that first day, and I saw him start to shake as he had outside the mess hall. I stopped thinking again, Father, and moved to the bed to wrap my arms around him as I had so many times before.
He hugged me back, and then Kathryn was there too, and somehow we all ended up in bed together. Being with Tom was every bit as wonderful as I'd imagined it would be. Better, even, because I knew by this point that I was utterly and completely in love with him. Better still, because Kathryn was there with us and I was utterly and completely in love with her too. She and I loved him as best we could, but still, when we were done, he started crying. All these months, and he hadn't cried, and I honestly didn't know whether to be relieved or not. I think finding himself in bed with us forced Tom to accept that it was over with B'Elanna, and that hurt him all over again.
He wasn't really ready to be with us, Father, not emotionally at any rate, but I think the physical togetherness helped. For a little while, at least, he could feel loved. Kathryn and I stayed with him every night, telling him and showing him how much we loved him, and finally he started to believe us. Then, one magical wondrous night, he told us he loved us back.
It was the next day that he ate breakfast with Harry and B'Elanna, and began the slow painstaking journey that brought them back into the fold. It had to have been him; I see that now, Father. Nothing Kathryn or I could have done or said would have been so effective with the rest of the crew as was the simple sight of Tom eating breakfast with his former lover and former best friend. But spirits ... it was hard for him. Nobody knows, not even Kathryn, but that night I went into Tom's quarters and found him curled up on the couch sobbing. "I can't even hate them," he told me through the tears. "I try to, but I can't. I miss them."
I hugged him for a long time, then drew him into the other room and we christened his bed together. I'm not sure you would approve of that, Father, but Tom's not very good with words. Actions have always been more important to him. So I had to *show* him that I loved him.
That was the first time Tom and I were alone together, but it wasn't the last. Sometimes we'll be in bed together and Kathryn will come in and watch us, joining us later or not at all. No, Father, it's not what you think ... at least not entirely. I don't doubt there's a bit of voyeurism wrapped up in it, but I truly think that Kathryn simply likes to give us some time alone.
I love them both with equal intensity, but I don't think I'm flattering myself when I say that Tom loves me a bit more. Maybe because I'd reached him first in the corridor outside the mess hall, maybe because I tell him more often than Kathryn does, maybe because I'm not the Captain and so I'm able to give myself more fully to a relationship, or maybe I'm wrong and I *am* just flattering myself and he loves us both the same. But I don't think Tom and Kathryn have ever been in bed together unless I've been there too, and I don't think that's by chance.
I can see you shaking your head at me, Father, saying how self- absorbed I'm being. But I'm not. It really doesn't matter to me how much Tom loves me and how much he loves Kathryn. All that's important is that he's here with us, and that we three together are so much better than we could ever have been as two plus one. I don't believe Kathryn and I would have lasted the whole journey, Father, but I think Kathryn, Tom and I will. Kathryn gives so much of herself to the ship, there's not much left over to give to other people, and I need more than that. For her part, Kathryn needs to have people depend on her, and Tom depends on her more than I ever could. And Tom ... he just needs as much loving as the two of us can give him.
So we love him as best we can.
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The End
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