"We Three Together (Paris)"
by Maisie
(maisierita@comcast.net)
copyright 1998
(Voy, J/C/P, R)
I never believed the gods played around with our lives, cherie. Never. Not after my dad, not after the Maquis, not even after prison, and gods know prison was enough to make *anybody* think someone up there was out to get him.
Except me. I guess I was too damned skeptical to believe in that sort of thing. All the bad luck was just bad luck. I thought. Now, I don't know anymore.
Oh, sweetheart, do you remember all those nights we spent talking religion and philosophy until long after everyone else had left the bar? All those hours you spent trying to convince me that the gods wouldn't forgive me until I started to forgive myself? Good advice, but I couldn't handle it, so I ran away from you like I'd run away from everybody else who'd ever had the nerve to speak to me honestly. You know what happened next. I joined the Maquis, and faster than you can say "quel dommage" I got my ass thrown in jail.
Sorry, cherie. You probably knew it was going to happen, and I'm sure you were trying your hardest to see that it wouldn't. But some things are just inevitable, and me ending up in prison was one of them. I don't regret it, sweetheart, really. Prison was the first place I'd ever been where nobody cared what my last name was, and nobody cared what lies I'd told. And it was so awful there, I knew that once I got out, I'd do everything I could to make sure I'd never have to go back. Guess I wasn't exactly rehabilitated so much as intimidated.
Actually, it wasn't all bad in prison. I learned to pick locks, which has been useful on more than one occasion since then, and I learned a lot about self-respect. Strange? I guess so, but if you don't respect yourself in prison, nobody else is going to respect you either. Actually, come to think of it, that's probably true outside of prison too.
So in prison I learned self-respect, and then on Voyager I learned everything else. Loyalty, courage, honesty, friendship ... well, except for you, cherie, I never had any *real* friends, and you were always more like a mother to me, or an older cousin, if you like. But on Voyager there was Harry, and B'Elanna, and Neelix and Kes and the Doc and the Captain and Tuvok ... and then even Chakotay, which was a bit of a shock.
There I was with all these friends, and a commission, and a beauty of a starship at my fingertips, and I *knew* that the gods weren't paying attention, because I'd sure as hell never done anything to deserve such a good life. Or maybe it was just that they'd decided to give me a break instead.
Things were good, cherie. I was happy. Then I fell in love and everything came crashing down around me.
You're probably confused, sweetheart. Let me explain. I fell in love with B'Elanna and that was it. I was impossibly happy. Life was so perfect, I should have known it wouldn't last.
But for a while, cherie ... it really *was* perfect. B'Elanna was everything I'd ever wanted. Brilliant, beautiful, couldn't care less about the Paris name, and the sex ... gods. She's half- Klingon, so the sex was kind of rough but it was so damn good I didn't care. What's a few bruises here and there, anyway?
There was only one problem: she wasn't in love with me. I think she honestly thought she was, and I thought she was too, but she wasn't. If she had been, she'd never have fallen for Harry so easily.
I've been trying for months to make sense of it. Oh, I understand how B'Elanna could fall in love with Harry. He's friendly, brave, sweet, loyal, truthful ... everything you'd want in a lover. Everything you'd want in a best friend, come to think of it. He's good looking to boot, and they're both engineers, so I suppose it was only natural that B'Elanna would fall for him. As for Harry falling in love with B'Elanna ... I could hardly blame him for that. How could he not love her?
So I can understand how they'd fall for each other, but I just *can't* understand how they could treat me like they did. They didn't tell me, cherie. I found out from someone else, in the mess hall at breakfast. In public.
Did you ever have the wind knocked out of you? That's what this was like. I couldn't breathe. I don't even know how I was able to move except that an old familiar -- and I'd thought long banished -- urge to run and hide came over me and suddenly I was out of the room.
Gods, I wish they'd told me.
If they'd only told me, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have felt like there was a hole in my chest the size of the universe roughly where my heart should be. Maybe every time I looked at them I wouldn't have felt so dead inside. Maybe we could still be friends. I don't know.
I think you know me better than I know myself, cherie. Do you think I'd have been able to forgive them, if they'd told me? I like to think so. I know better than anyone how precious true forgiveness is, and gods, sweetheart, I am trying *so* hard to forgive them. But I can't. Not yet. Maybe not until it stops hurting so much, if it ever does. I hope it does.
I think losing Harry as a friend hurts more than losing B'Elanna as a lover. Maybe. It's hard to tell ... how can you compare pain like that? It's hard to quantify, but I can say this: I have never hurt so much as I did that day, not even the day I was convicted and Dad said ... ... ... forget it. I'm not going to talk about that now.
Anyway, this pain was worse. It was so bad, I couldn't see a way to get past it. I was paralyzed with it. I couldn't even handle simple things anymore, like getting out of bed in the morning, or remembering to eat. So Kath and Kotay helped me. Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay, that is. Gods, I can't even remember the last time I called them that.
I suppose I do on the bridge. I think I'd have heard about it if I slipped up and said "Kath" on the bridge. So I guess on the bridge I call them Captain and Commander, but when we're alone together it's Kath and Kotay, or Kotay and Kath. When we're making love I have to remember to call out *both* names, one after the other, 'cause I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Yes, sweetheart, I'm sleeping with both of them, and better yet, I'm in love with both of them, too. Oh, I bet you've got that look on your face, that Thomas-Eugene-Paris-have-you- completely-lost-your-mind look. Maybe I have, cherie. All I know is that Kath and Kotay were there for me every day, day after day, taking care of me and protecting me and loving me in a way no one's ever loved me before. Except for you, of course.
At first I was such a zombie, I didn't notice. I didn't notice that one of them was always hanging around, making sure I was eating right and that I was sleeping okay, and that I had someone to play pool with now that I couldn't play pool with Harry. I'm sorry, cherie, but I was hurting so much I wouldn't have noticed if Dad suddenly appeared on the ship and took command.
But Kath and Kotay were so good to me, so gentle with me, that despite myself I started to heal. Then I finally noticed them -- noticed the way they looked after me, noticed the way they looked *at* me. Oh, sweetheart, I didn't know what to do. I never expected either of them to fall in love with me, and now here they both were, looking at me like that!
If I'd been in better shape, I would have stayed as far away from them as possible. I, along with everyone else, had always expected the two of them to get together, and I didn't want to interfere with their relationship. Lucky for me, I wasn't strong enough to send them away. I needed them too much; they were all that was keeping me together. Sitting in morning briefings, I let myself focus on Kath and Kotay and I didn't even have to look at Harry and B'Elanna.
Gods, they're so good to me. I love them, cherie, both of them together and each of them separately. It's not like it was with B'Elanna, but I guess no one relationship is ever like another, and also, there are three of us where before there were only two. But the difference runs deeper than that. I cried in front of them, and it was okay. I'd never have cried in front of B'Elanna.
I even cried in front of Kotay when Kath wasn't there ... well, he walked in on me crying and I didn't stop ... and that was okay too. It was more than okay. He hugged me and then he took me to bed, which believe it or not was exactly what I needed. I don't know how he knew. He understands me so well ... maybe even better than you do, sweetheart.
My relationship with Kath is different. The love I feel for Kotay is totally instinctual. With Kath it's more of a cerebral thing. I *feel* I love Kotay. I *know* I love Kath. Understand? Kotay protects me, while Kath nurtures me. Kotay makes me feel loved. Kath makes me feel like loving.
Am I confusing you, cherie? It's okay if I am. I was confused myself, for a while. They loved me and I was too shell-shocked to figure out that I could love them back. I was already sleeping with them then, which you probably think was a mistake, but I don't know how anything that felt so good could have been a mistake. Those days, the only time I didn't hurt was when I was making love to Kath and Kotay.
And you know what? They dance with me. They let me play all the great old songs that I love, and they dance with me. B'Elanna never danced with me, but the very first time I asked Kath and Kotay, the first time I felt comfortable enough to ask them to try it, they said yes. We shut the door to Kath's quarters, I turned the music up as loud as it would go, and we danced. Gods did we look silly, but we were silly together, so it was all right, you know?
I'd never have imagined things would turn out this way. Six months ago, I'd have sworn that B'Elanna and I were going to get married and have lots of little quarter-Klingon children. Now she's married to Harry, and if there are going to be any little quarter-Klingon kids, they'll be his.
I, on the other hand, am with Kath and Kotay for better or for worse. For better, I think, and forever. I don't think I'm being optimistic, cherie. What I had with B'Elanna wasn't real, and it wasn't permanent. What I have with Kath and Kotay is both. I barely survived losing B'Elanna. I don't think I would survive losing Kath and Kotay. They complete me and they love me and they make me love them back, and I can't imagine waking up without finding one of them on either side of me.
You'd say the gods planned this, cherie, all the pain and all the joy. You may be right.
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The End
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