(Copyright 2000. The Tattoo. All rights reserved.)

The Tattoo

--- Making a Permanent Impression Since 1994 ---

September 11, 2000

Everything you ever wanted to know ... about girls

By Joe Wilbur

The Tattoo

Girls, Girls, Girls. That's right, boys -- the main event.

High school will mark the earnest beginning of your
meaningful relation to the opposite sex.

You will, in all likelihood, fall in love for the first time,
experience your first intense romantic involvement and you
might even lose your virginity in the next four years.

All right, down boys -- before you get all hyped up you
should know this is all going to be much more trouble than
it's worth.

The best I, or any other male survivor of the Four Years War
that is high school romantic relations can do for is draw on
our experiences and try to advise you accordingly. The rest is
up to you.

And so:

1. RELAX. If you don't conquer some of your insecurity and
suppress some of your fear about girls, you're going to spend
four years playing Dungeons and Dragons with four guys
named Alex.

Here's why: Truth is, girls are just as nervous about all of
this as we are, and they don't know what's going on either.

2. ALL GIRLS DATE JERKS. It's a fact.

Although there's no sound scientific explanation for this sort
of teenage female masochism, any grown woman will tell
you it's true.

Don't spend four years torturing yourself over why the
gorgeous, sweet, intelligent blonde who sits in front of you in
English will walk on hot coals for the captain of the date
rape team but won't give you the time of day, just accept it
and move on.

END UP WITH JERKS. Here's why: It's the truth.

You're just the latest in a long series of jerks and it will
never work between you. If it did, she'd be happy and she
will never allow that.

4. If at all possible, DATE UPPERCLASSMEN. Dating
someone older will allow you to benefit from their
experience and may help you avoid dating people as
immature and screwed up as you are.

The theory is that they've already made some mistakes and
they're a little less insecure and they've already tripped over
stones on the path you haven't even seen yet. They can guide

This may also spare you the guilt and anxiety associated with
dating a virgin, though this isn't always the rule.

It's true, most girls don't like to date below their class (some
basic problems with male maturity have cemented this rule
for many of them), but there are girls out there willing to
look past that, if you prove worth it.

5. DO NOT MAKE ENEMIES. If you have to break up with
someone, try to do it nicely.

The last thing you can afford at this early a stage in the game
is to provoke female wrath. The reason? Girls talk.

You establish a level of intimacy with one of them and then
do her wrong, and you'll be lucky if she only tells everyone
she knows about your odd birthmarks. Hell hath no fury,

I'm afraid that's all I can do for you. The rest you'll have to
figure out on your own. It'll be fun. It'll be hell. And then
you get to start over again in college.