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September 16, 2005

-- Journal --

Guilt and doubt

By Samantha Perez

Friday, 8:47 p.m. , Ponchatoula , Louisiana --

My family is together again in another location: Ponchatoula , Louisiana , hours away from where we were before in Natchitoches , and Iím feeling guilty now for not being able to make boarding school work for me. This is the first time I have ever run away from something in my life, but I admitted defeat. In the aftermath of letting the white flag wave, I feel so much guilt. Already, my parents are both saying how much they loved Natchitoches and how they miss the people we were staying with. I feel terrible.

Weíre living on the lot that used to belong to our friendís grandmother. Thereís a house here, but itís unlivable. Windows are broken and tiles are off of the walls. There is mold and rooms that are unfinished. The three of us are living in the camper, and itís tight and mom becomes frustrated easily. I donít have internet, and I miss talking to my best friend, but when night comes around and I can sleep.

I think that it might be better here.

School is better here at least, and Iím happier in this place than I ever was at LSMSA. Here, I have some friends from my old school, and even though I was never really close with any of them, itís comforting looking around and seeing something familiar. Besides faces, nothing is familiar these days: not the uniform I have to wear, not the scent of the hallways, not even my own bed. Itís all foreign, but thatís okay because I can get through this. The eye of the hurricane passed over my home, but Iím still here. Iím not going anywhere.

I only have four classes a semester, but theyíre an hour and a half each. Iím in Calculus now, with two of my friends from Hannan. Iím in Physics too, but I understand what weíre doing now. Iím learning the basics I hadnít been taught at LSMSA. Iím taking Journalism now, and Iím still in American History. My classes arenít hard yet, but Iíve only been here a few days. I hope this works out and that my parents can be okay here. I feel so guilty because I know that Iím the reason weíre here. I just hope this move is worth it in the end.  

Read Samantha Perez's

Hurricane Journal

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