Still crickets

It is getting into the 40s at night these mid-November days. Wifey claims to have seen frost in the morning at least once, tho I haven't.

Buzz

Many, many years ago on the Seaside boardwalk I would see t-shirts with the phrase "A day without a buzz is a day that never was."
That is where I am at right now.

I am not sure how long I can keep this up.

Crickets

Still hearing crickets at night. No frost yet. Saw a cricket in the basement the other day. Let him go when I could have easily stepped on him. Seein more bugs lately trying to get into the house. Slow bug, spiders, millipedes.
-peace

Booze

Hung over again today. Was drinking wine last night and didn't realize how much I drank or how drunk I was. Looking back, I was very drunk. This is disturbing as I had intended to only drink enough to get on an even keel after the hangover from the previous night (tues).

so that is 2 days in a row hung over. Previously I had about 4 days w/o a drnik and felt great. Stayed dry on purpose as had really bad hangovers 2 out of 4 days over a weekend.
I am right back where I was over.5 years ago. Can't believe I am back here again.

Holy christ. I am so sleepy. And bored. I know that I need to go to sleep early to catch up on sleep and be ready for a busy work day tomorrow. But here I am working at my desk and working on my 2nd glass of wine.

I guess the wine represents a chance for me to enjoy myself right now. That is pretty important to me. I feel like my life is so mundane and boring. What is really soul crushing, is the thought that this is my life forever. It will not get any better than this. That kills me.
Working a shit load.
Tons of responsibility.
4 kids to try to be a good father too.
2 aging parents. 1 of which is now my dependent.
Sole bread winner. If my current employment situation were to change, what the hell would I do to support the family?
Despite squirreling some savings away the past few months, we still have a shit load of debt and that makes me feel small.
And I am so fucking lonely. Few friends. I have pushed away all my old friends from school and prevented anyone else from getting close.

So is this my life? Sometimes it feels like it.

I know I could flip into an opportunity but can I? Really? I always run up against my shyness, and dickheadedness that prevents me from making new friends or resurrecting new ones.

So here it is, another Monday. Feeling pretty good this morning.

So, I have started drinking again, since April 2009 sometime. Not drinking every night but getting drunk at least twice a week and 1 or 2 hangovers each week.

I am trying really hard to not have the drinking drag me down to that dark place again. It seems that I crave it, mostly out of boredom. Trying to minimize drinks during the week in favor of heavy drinking on the weekend. To that end, I have been looking forward to the weekends lately so that I can get sloshed. Suck down Cheeba too.

But these have not been as fun as I always hope. ANd the mild or heavy hangovers the next day put a damper on my energy levels. Often by Monday I feel like I need to sleep off the weekend. Also, I get a little depressed, maybe from the Cheeba.

To sum it up, I am limiting my drinking but still drinking hard. I still want and think about it almost evry day. I still largely drink alone, at home, at night while watching TV. And overall, it is kind of lame. I wonder if focusing more on drinking in social occasions would be more fun.

-Peace

Wow, we have had a busy last 30 days or so. Reviewing photos from my iPhone, we did alot of fun stuff.

A week at the LBI Beach House in Holgate (beach, crabbing twice, lighthouse, bikes, shopping). 2 crabbing trips to Berkeley Island. Ate a mess of blue crabs for the first time. Papa's birthday party and swimming in the pool. First day of school. Overnight camping with R. at Lebanon including night geocaching in the rain and climbing the fire tower.

I make note of this cuz I have been feeling like I have not been doing much fun stuff with the kids this summer. I always see them watching TV or using the computer and feel bad for not taking them adventuring more. "Like I used to."

Given my full and part time jobs, plus just the family overhead of 4 kids, I know that I do not have the time or energy that I used to have, But still, the parental guilt is there.

So this list in the first paragraph makes me feel a little better .

-Peace