Kidneys r hurting right now. had first drink of the night. ice is falling from the sky outside as tiny crystal globes.
wifey goes for first baby dr. visit tomorrow. i cna't go cuz i hafta work. we r going to have our 3rd child, u see.
starting to think that i will never to be able to quit drinking. that i will drink until it kills me. real people have done that.

Weather forecast, snow, sleet. freezing rain...
Preparing for the snow/sleet/freezing rain due over the next 48 hours. not preparing really, nothing to do except be ready mentally. oh crap, now u know where i live. so much for being anonymous!
i'm on the 3rd drink of the night. intending to stick to the 4 drink rule. over the weekend, completely blew the rule. fri, sat and sun all easily exceeded the limit. but not by too much. overall, i think iam making slow progress.
wifey suggested that is drink only on certain days and stay clean on others. i feel her but now that the idea is staring me in the face, i feel that it is very hard to say no to the booze monkey.

i'm on 4 1/2 drinks at this writing. blowing my own rule. i have a problem. each day my kidneys get worse and yet each night i keep sucking down the poison.

watching apocylypse now redux. saw the beginning for the first time. hope to the ending for the first. they are about to score w/ the bunnies in the rainy, mud camp.

i'm engaging ESRI to do some work for me that niether I, nor my staff have time to do. Yet the ESRI tech guys r so freakin arrogant. I know more about their server products than any outside of Redlands. not sure why this bothers me so much. pride, i guess.

Had 3 drinks last nite. Feel pretty good this AM. Night before had 4 strong drinks. Essentialy, vodka on ice w/ some diet coke for color. Yesterday, i was hurting all day. Not terribly, but more than the 4 drink limit was designed to do.
Maybe it will be a 3 drink limit for normal use but can go to 4 on special occaisons. Sides have been hurting everyday.

It's a start.

I now realize that this under contented journal is merely a place for me to express thoughts for which I have noother outlet. Thoughts that I am uncomfortable releasing on friends, family, colleagues... So I do it here, anonymously.
Tone of these writes is exceedingly negative and self loathing. I feel both of those emotions often but they are only part of the spectrum. Generally, i am lucky to have the family and a job that lets us live in relative comfort in a country that is relatively safe. Look at it this way, we could live in Palestine or Israel where ordinary people living ordinary lives are dying everyday.

4 drinks per night = doable

drinking straight thru xmas and new year's. didn't really feel like drinking on kj's bday but did, or should i say, overdid. gotta get control.

this summer i'd likr to be able to take off my shirt at the beach. unlike last year, when kj was beggin me to come in the pool, but i was too embarrassed to take off my shirt.

had some nuts last night and sides r hurtin today. i fear this is serious kidney stones or some internal ailment related to drinking and eating a shit load of nuts (i love em).