Final thought before I go and take a poo.

I want to stop drinking because I want to have a better lfie. I want to lead the active, outdoor lifestyle that I used to have. Though not really a socialite, I did like to hang w/ close friends. Over the last 10 years, I don't want to hang w/ anybody except my beloved bottle. Also, I want to be a better role model for the kids. I know that they are too young to see that daddy sits around and drinks all night and then lies around all day cuz he feels like crap. They will put it together when they are older, perhaps adults, as I did w/ my parents.
Life can be so full and w/ alcoholism running mine, life seems emptyish. its like i have no control over my life.
Alcoholism makes me feel so inscure. Being hungover, totally erodes my confidence in almost every situation except technical projects at work. I excel at technical problems while hung over, go figure.
But dealing w/ people? Deep inside I feel lesser cuz I'm hung over. Feel extremely self concious, self doubting, wondering if my breath smells like booze. This must me come across as weak, timid, unsure and perhaps incompitent. At work especially, I am starting to deal w/ upper management types that are really sharks. They can sense a weak person and exploit that weakness.
Once dried out, as in the latter part of this week, my confidence slowly returns. I feel that can handle just about any situation that comes up and sometimes even look forward to it. Being hung over or wet, would simply make me want to get thru any situation as quickly as possible, w/ as little effort as possible so that i could get home and have a fucking drink.
Life is more than work, chores, begrudged social obligations, alcohol and TV. I want my kids to see that. I want them to see that they can do just about anything.
What kind of life will i have if i just do the above until i die. My body will likely give out before its natural time anyway. i'm overwreight, out of shape and have a terrible diet of fast food and carbs and cheese.
Losing alcoholism will not, magically, make my life super perfect. Freed from alcoholism, I will be able to make my life what whatever I would like it to be.

I recall quitting weed back after graduating from college. It was hard. I was smoking just about everyday at that point, hell, was high during the graduation ceremony! Then left school and moved home, trying to find a job. No luck w. the job and not having ganja or my ganja friends or the ganja culture was really tuff. After a month or two, the tension subsided and I wan't thinking about it all the time. That quickly evolved into smoking at opportunities presented but not seeking then out. From there I quickly realized that I did not like smoking as much I used to in college. It makes me paranoid and, if i smoke for 2 or 3 days in a row, very lazy. Now I do not even want it. do not want that life style and do not want to feel guilty about smoking. somehow, it makes me feel guilty. i have alot of guilt in my life. I can't imagine what it must be like to be Catholic or Jewish!
Honestly, however, I did smoke almost every night in December(2003) leading up to Christmas. It became my new alcohol. I enjoyed it and it did start to fuck w/ head after a while. But then the supply ran out and when asked if I wanted to resupply, simply declined.
I knew, that I could not stop while i had access to it. Not that it was so great an experience, smoking that is. Somehow, I just wanted it everyday. Would wait for the hour when kids and wife were asleep and then light up. Didn't hide it mind you. In fact, wifey and I had some puffs together a few times. Point is, now, I do not crave it or really want it. And I know that if I did light up, it would be difficult to put it down again, when the time came. The cost of living w/ the guilt and fiendish craving combined w/ the difficulty in stopping make it not worth starting! Wow, look at me! I think I just rationalized my way out of substance addiction.

If only it were that simple...

Its interesting that my drinking has to be all or nothing. I know many people who drink everyday, some a little, some alot, yet they seem to manage just fine. Well, to be honest who really knows how they are managing. I manage to live and be productive while being either drubk or hung over most ofthe time.
I suspect that this dry spell will probably end up like all of the others; with me falling back into the bottle. I am trying to busy myself w/ other activities, esp at night, so that I do not get bored and want a drink. Also, trying to do things that drinking prevented me from doing, running, socilizing more, etc.
The trouble w/ All or Nothing approach is that 'Nothing' is such a huge goal. It is slightly over whelming. I like to drink and to think that I NEVER will again is very intimidating. Alesser, more realistic goal, like limiting drinking nights or amount consumed in a single sitting, a easier on the mind. Though, I know, that Iam very bad t limiting consumption. I guess that is what lead here, to all or nothing. As once i start to drink on any given occaison, I am inclined to go full force and make a mess of myself. It takes a ton of effort to limit drinking once i have started and it seems to take most of the fun out of it.

Many options for today. Supposed to hit 60 tho it is 30 now. Sunny tho. Wifey has some errands to do, alone, this AM so the kids and I will be hanging here. After she gets back, we would like to go to the beach, >a href="http://www.barnlight.com/">Barnegat Light maybe, but there may not be enough time. The kids sure would like to see the lighthouse, Old Barney. I would also like to get a run or kayak session in today as well.
I took tomorrow, Monday, off as comp time for working yesterday morning and some last weekend and lat night on Monday. Maybe we could go then. Also need to get that vanity in the blue bathroom working.

Yesterday, had to make a presentation to a county Planning conference in Cumberland County, about 1 hour 20 mins away. Had a state car (for the weekend) and got a little lost on my way sown but made it just in time. Presentation went pretty well but could have been better. First of all, I was to demo 2 websites yet found out the afternoon before that there was no internet connection in the conference hall. None. What good is demoing a website if you have to do it w/ powerpoint slides!
Other thing is that the audience was all planners and muni planning board members. Mostly folks in their 40s+. These were definitely NOT GIS people and I suspected were not very computer literate either. So I had to tone down my presentation to reduce technical jargon and complexity. Kinda tough when your entire presentation is about IT and GIS!
3 or 4 other speakers(mostly from various state planning offices) that reminded me how interesting land use planning is but how much I do not want to work in that profession. Too slow moving and too boring.
Actually went for a run yesterday. Rancocas Park has some flat, simple trails where I sometimes take the kids to hike around. Went there myself yesterday and ran for 20 minutes. Kinda rough but I liked it. Had a nice cool down walk thru unexplored parts of the park too.
Took the kids bike riding in the park across the street in the afternoon. Wifey made lasagna and we all had dinner together. Did some web surfing and mindless TV watching but no booze. Yay for me. Felt pretty good about it too. Wifey propositioned me in bed last night but we had to use my son's bed in his room. You see, the 2 kids were sleeping on the floor in their weekly "campout".

HAven't had a drink since last Monday night. And that was a light night of leftover chanpagne and wine. It's been kinda hard from 6pm to about 8pm. But this time there is No Alcohol in the house. That makes it easier as when I am feeling weak, at least it is not staring me in the face.
We are having some spring weather(sunny, almost 60) this weekend.

No drinks on Monday night either though I was in a funk after an intense work day. Scared wifey upstairs and watch TV till 11:30p.
Have exhausted all the alcohol in the house 'cept for a glass of champagne and some nasty sherry. This strategy helps when I am at my weakest point, alone in the venings after all are in bed. The 4-5 drink limit slowly went out the window.

No drinks last night. Wa so tired by 10pm but stayed up till 11:30 watching crap TV. I think that part of my problem the morning after drinking is also lack of sleep. I rarely get 8 hours and those are becoming more intermittent. The dogs need to go out about 7am before Henry has an accident. And the kids keep getting in our bed which just destroys my sleep. They do kick me and lay next to me but I think that I still have that subconscious fear that I will roll over and squich them, as when they were infants.
Yesterday, had an OK day at work. For my neglect night got some food at Taco Bell and then did grocery shopping. No one was in the shop rite and w/o any kids either, I could get the shopping done quickly and in peace. Still spent $178 which is really for a week and half's worth of groceries.

its seems that i will not always be able to post every singke day. Nor will i stress about about it. i am finding however, that i enoy these posts as they help sort out the day. And realize how much i really do accomplish.

today, got up at 7:30ish, shaved and let the dogs out. daughter was in our bed since 3am so i had sketchy sleep since then. work was unusually intense today but i liked it. afternoons have been pretty borin of late. been so concerned w. getting 'billable' time that it actually reduced my productivity. looking for balance here as i knoe that the issue of billable time vs operations time is largely academic in a gov't agency.
wifey made meatloaf 2nite for dinner but i had leftover pita pizzas from monday night. kids had karate today and were also playing at the neighbor's house today. son was very spazzy tonight, way more than usual. seems that a couple of boys from the neighborhood have joined karate as well as the son(s) of our college friends. wifey says karate is now "The" weekly social event!
drinkin Johnny Walker red.

Today... what can i say about today. i'm drunk and besides, this is my 3rd day home on this presidential weekend.
today gave the kids a sugar breakfast of sugar waffles and sugar syrup dip. they , of cours, love it. counter guy came today at 9 while wifey was out. she came back and answered his counter questions.
spent time online reading about gis stuff.
worked on th eblue bathroom, made the kids lunch while wifey took a nap. she is so exhauste during this first trimester...
worked on the bathroom and added 3 cross bars to that piece of crap vanity that wifey bought kids and I went out and dropped off dry cleaning, picked up some bathroom caulk and then hi t the local market for some items on tonights' pizza menu.
spent so much energy preparing all the ingriedeints for a "make your own" pizza kids seemed to enjoy it tho it wore me out. wifey was doing our taxe so i was on my own.

today is my grandmother's bday, feb 15. she died in 1999 just before her bday. she never met my kids. daughter was born before she died but grandma had yet to met her.

lit a candle to commerate grandma's bday and discussed w/ the kids. we looked pics of grandma and they even asked me where Latvia was. drove to grandmas's grave and left a few flowers. mom went w/ me. was a bit inhibited cuz mom was there. while there remembered papa too. hadn't thought about him until i saw his name on the stone. so many memories in being back in that town. mom drove us by the old house. had lots of memories tho now am an adult and my perspective has chaenged. everything seemed smaller and a little run down.
when i get home, i'm grumpy and snappy w/ the kids. kids were not wanting to eat their asparagus ad it becam a big battle. i felt that i was suffering my mother's revenge. u see,i was an extremely picky eater as a child and put my mom thru hell. many dinners were battles between her feeding me and i refusing to be fed.

kids watched TV all morning and so did i. wifey ran out for some errands and i allowed the kids to watch 'junk TV' on cartoon network till noon. the i made them sandwhichs, took out the trash, tried to fix the dishwasher(no luck, i suck) and repaired a hole in the fence.

seems the ugly chain link fence has opened a spot for osar to wiggle under and get out of the yard. noticed him outside the fence today when i called the dogs to come in and he appeared from across the street andslipped under the fence. found a truly white trash solution by weaving a couple of white, urtain rods in the chainlinks and effectively blocking the hole.

today i slept in till 9 and was feelinf a little hung over. got up at 7 tho to let the dogs out and then went back to sleep in son;s bed as he came into ours while i was letting the dogs out. wifey sez i should just put him back in his bed but he wa wide awake this AM. even at night tho, i guess that i am too lazy to carry the kid back to bed and rik that they will wake and freak out. guess that is a carry over from when they were infants and tempermental sleepers...

left side is a little achy this morning. at one point last night, it gave me a sharp twang that quickly subsided. pretty soon, i'm gonna hafta see a dr about this. as an acoholic, i secretly fear that i will hafta admit my habit openly. tho many seem to feel that is the first 'step' to quitting the yellow eyed monster that is alcoholism.

Yesterday, Saturday, started off slowly, the way I like my weekend mornings. Tired of getting up at 7 and rushing off to work during the week on weekends I like to sleep in a little and laze around reading and sipping on my morning tea. We exchanged valentine presents and wishes yesterday morning after wifey got back from her morning walk.
Finally I got dressed and fed the kids lunch around noon. Wifey, a.k.a. Prego, needed a nap and slipped off to bed upstairs.
the kids were constantly harassing me cuz earlier in the morning, we had told them that we were going to Waterfront Park to play and later, to Crab Shack for dinner. We did get to the park and wifey came along too. After, went home and did some email and I was playing w/ the 02 orthos for our neighborhood. The crab shack was so packed that we could not even get in the door so we passed. On the way home, I ran into the grocery store and picked up the equivalent of a Crab Shack dinner to make at home. Items consisted of Jonah crab claws(no dungeness or king or snow), a couple of smallish lobster tails, chicken nuggets, fries, corn on the cob and drumstick ice cream cones. We feasted!
After prego and kids went to bed, I sat in front of the tube, as usual, getting drunk on scotch and scarfing down any snack that I could find.

they liked the map tho i was kinda surprised. i had a nice time. wifey was ready to leave early and the kids seemed to have fun w/ the 4 boys present.

Yesterday, had a busy morning at work then by 2 wa ready to leave early. we had a dinner date at a friend's house that night. they are old friends from college and they have 2 boys the age of our kids.

then in my boredom, i decided to make a map of their neighborhood using the new 2002 orthophotography and make a big map using the office plotter. took me nearly 2 hours to get it ready. most of theat time was spent in a fruitless search for a scanned taxmap of their property.

Had the day off today. Tried to sleep in but my biological alarm clock coupled w/ the rhytm of my house made that luxury elusive.

Took several hours to decide what to do today. Son and I lazed around for an hour so this AM whil wifey was out and daughter was at bible thumping pre-school. Kitchen cabinet guys showed up before 11 (expected at 1pm and supposed to call ahead of time). Their presence kept son and i in the house until after wifey got home.

Did a few errands and got back home in time for wifey to head out for an appt at the hair salon for 'highlights'. She looks really great. Took the kids to waterfron park. we had a good time tho had to leave early cuz son said he had go 'poopy'. of course, by th time we got home, he didn't hafta go anymore.

Just then, younger auntie and niece showed up. Somehow, i became very irritated and grouchy towards the 3 lunatics running around in my house. Once wifey got home from salon, took off to see "Master & Commander". Awesome flick. And no chicks in it. i have so many god damn women in my everyday life that it was nice to see a complete guy flick.

Somewhere in all of this mess, i began a little work on the 2nd floor bathroom, a.k.a. blue bathroom. trying to loosen slow tub drain an get the cheap ass, flimsy, paricle board vanity ready to support the sink. slow going but i feel that i had steps forward today. a better feeling than almost any house proect in memory in which they are all coplete chores w/ little satidfaction and lots of frustration.

c ya.

after work had a rare occassion w/ boss at the bar next door. we ate fried fods w/ 2 much salt and too much fat while sucking on lifeless coors lites.
getting home at 8pm, the kids were in bed. son was out and i turned off his main light in his room. daughter was still up working on valentines day cards for everyone that she can thin of. on my way downstairs after changing out of "work clothes", she was singing to YMCA by the Village People from her Dance Party.
Scared the wife and sistah2 away from the living room TV after enduring Amrican Idol. Now am watching Queer Eye ripoffs. irony.

Think that this blog needs a change. Rather than recording my thoughts which often are negative and focus on trying to change something about myself.
tonight, i would like to drop the self examination and merely record the day...
We are back at home last night after sleeping exile at papa's house while our boiler was offline. kids ened up in our bed and i ended up in son's bed. the boy from across the street was over this morning beofre i left for work. son and i were upstairs as we heard him being droppe of by his father. once son realized that neighbor boy had arrived for the day, he yelled down the stairwell from the 2nd floor "[neighbor boy] are you going to be mean to me today?".

work was intense as in the 45 minutes before an intense meeting presenting our new application to the tech folks at OIT, i was peppered w/ questions/problems by our staff. though challenging, i feel like i thrive in that intensity.

Had J from DEP in to attend the 10am meeting w/ e as we were together presenting his app that was needed to go thru deployment. got to the meeting and slick director from AXS group tried to hammer me. he came in w/ hlaf a dozen of his staff(i had none)(safety in numbers) which is more than has attended from AXS in the past. i fielded the questions and felt confident in things as we left. they were left w. picking at the minutae such as some scheduling dates and generalizations that i had made w/ anticipated usage. To me, these points are insignificant to the goal of the proj ect. Seems to me that such nit picking is the retreat of those that do not understand the entire project and can only retreat to pointing out flaws in my simple arithmetic and scheduling dates.