so here i sit. 10:39 pm on a weds night. kids and wife asleep. watching tv and eating snacks. it is not that i really want to be doing this, it is simply that i do not know what else to do w/ my time to relax.
this is exactly what i would do when i was drinking, except without the drink. i find myself waiting for the kids to go to bed so i can turn on the TV, watch dumb shows alone and eat stupid snacks. pitiful. i wish that i could simply feel proud about it instead. content that this my form of relaxation and that it is valid.

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my career is whacked right now. i'm not happy where i am at. i have too many options but none that are clear to me. these days i have to hold back on my career and consider geographic location for my family. Seems to me that the real opportunities are located far wnough away to require moving. perhaps i am a whimp cuz the private sector is harder than i thought. maybe i just need to suck it up, give it my best shot and see where things are at the one year mark. this could be a great opportunity and i would hate to throw it away. that is exactly the kind of logic that kept me at UVA 2 semesters too long.

3 times longer than necessary. there is a silver lining to leaving UVA but it could have been accomplished with less persoanl anguish if i left after the first semester.

Smoked last nite. Kinda had a loser day today cuz all that I wanted to do was be alone, watch TV, play around on the computer and snack. It is such a beautiful day outside w/ the temps in mid 70s, sunny and breezy. Part of me knew that I should go outside and make the most of the day after 2 weeks of rain. Alas, it is almost 7pm and I feel that I did not rise to meet the opportunity of the day...

Here's how I spent the day today.
Slept in a little, 'till about 8 am. Got up and shuffled around. The kids were up and I went to get the baby out of his crib. Puttered around and made a couple of quesadillas for brunch around 11am. Also fed the 2 older kids turkey bacon w/ Swiss cheese in organic, whole wheat tortillas.

Went outside and cleaned up the dog poop. Took out the trash. Took out 5 of the 6 window unit air conditioners and opened the windows in the house to get some of that fresh air. The whole time was fending off the 2 big kids' requests for chores so that they could earn a quarter or a dollar to buy a toy that they want.
The whole fam then went to Target and it took forever. Then we made frozen pizzas which is becoming our Saturday tradition. It is easy and tasty and a huge departure from our week of organic, whole, unprocessed diet. I snuck away and watched a little tube and even played a little Civ for 15 mins here and there. Put the baby to bed at 6 pm cuz he was cranky and had missed his afternoon nap since we went to the store. Tonight I am planning to smoke and watch TV and snack and play on the computer...