I am so fucking tired right now. However, I feel that going to bed to sleep would rob me of this evening of quiet. The kids are asleep, you see, and wifey is too. I am lamely perusing available movies on Netflix to add to my queue.
sometimes, I feel so alone. Sometimes I think about dying alone. Sometimes I think about my mom for comfort. Then I wonder how alone she must feel. After giving so much of her life to her children, she ends up alone w/ a dog.
my father is also alone though in a different way, more horrible way. Yes, he is retired and lives alone. He, unlike mom, did not give his life to anyone except himself. So it is no surprise that he is living alone. Though that fact is sad enough, ([I have a cold. The kind in which my nose will never cease to run and drip. Regardless of how much cold medicine I take or how much I blow my nose, it continues to drip. A drop of mucus from my nose just dripped on to the tabletop as I type this. Just like a drop of water. That fast. I felt it and before I could reach for a tissue, 'bloop', it was on the table.]), his stroke has rendered him unable to speak. I believe that he can hear and understand and he lives alone quite independently. It is like a prison in one's own head.
I have a lot of guilt w/ my father and his stroke. I was and am rather cold towards him. I do not want the burden of his care. He did not want me as a child, so why must I now care for him. Now, when I have a wife and 3 kids that need me. And I want more than anything to be there for them. Especially for my kids. To be a father that is around, and does stuff w/ them and knows their friends and gives stupid advice.

when dad had his stroke, he was several hours away in Saratoga springs, NY. When we got the call from his then girlfriend, my 2 sisters and I were unaffected, emotionally. It took me a day to realize that I had to go up to Saratoga and get him from the hospital. It took both of my sisters several more days to realize the impact of the news. We all lead distant lives, even though we are less than 1 hour away from each other. Shoot, when dad had his stroke, I did not know he was even in Saratoga springs, NY.

dad lost a lot of money from his nest egg when he had his stroke. He was a day trader, using an internet broker in the last days of the dot com bubble. He had his stroke, the bubble burst, and by the time we could locate his accounts, much of it was gone. I always feel that I could have done better here. Better for him to provide some security in his old age. Heck, to provide me w/ financial security as I will be supporting him when he runs out of money.

so I have this guilt about managing his finances. And I have guilt that I find him a burden. And I have a selfish terror about caring for him as he gets older. He is never very pleasant to be around, you see. He has always been self absorbed and an emotional bully. While he was not around much while I was growing up, and focused more on his Dewar's & water when he was around, I do have some points of fond memory. They are fleeting though. I want my kids to know that dad is always there.