At work, very tired. Can't concentrate. A bit short on sleep last night as stayed up 'till midnight and first woke up at 5 AM as daughter had wanted to go for a walk together. She later bagged that idea in favor of playing her handheld Nintendo DS video game.

I also burned one down last night. The feeling was OK but after 3 consecutive nights, I am very foggy and lacky motivation. More so than usual. However, I must say, that at work, overall, I feel as if I am going through the motions. Once upon a time I was interested in what I was doing and challenged by it. I no longer feel this way. Simply feeling overwhelmed w/ the volume of work and disinterested.

I wonder if being sober (no alcohol) has yielded this unintentional effect. I used to work so hard as I felt that I had to prove myself and subconsciously, had to work off the guilt built up by the rampage of drinking the night before. This made me a very productive worker, however.

Pearl Jam
Went to see Pearl Jam play at the Tweeter Center in Camden on Sunday (5/28) night.I was apprehensive about going at first but ended up having a great time. My history with this band is a long and tumultuous one. This weekend I spent alot of time thinking about it. Pearl Jam's first album changed my life. The intensity of the music and vocals shook my being. The lyrics also resonated w/ me as they are usually based on the personal feelings of a central character that the listener can identify with.

At that time, Pearl Jam was a new band and listening to them was a COOL thing too. After the world took notice a few months later, I still enjoyed their music but kind of resented that they were not exclusive and obscure anymore. I think that I actually resented all of the other people that were turned on to their music. This is kinda commonly seen w/ music snobs that equate stature w/ the level of obscurity of the music that you are listening to. The more obscure, the cooler you are.

So as their albums came out through the years, I always bought them and always listened to them. But I felt that I was too cool to be on this Pearl Jam bandwagon. Also, the first album was so magical me, at a time in my life when I was discovering much about the world and myself. So magical at that time, that I held it dear and knew that I could never reach that level of existentialism. These 2 points burned in the back of my skull all these years.
Also through the years since "Ten", I have listened as PJ's music has evolved from that of a "grunge" band (they were never grungy enough compared to soundgarden and alice in chains) to an eclectic mix of styles across albums. They have matured as I have and that now endears them to me.

This actually brings me to my main point about Pearl Jam. Standing on the lawn area of the Tweeter Center on Sunday night, I realized that it is OK for me to enjoy all of their music both new and old. The old is still existential to me and the new represents a more mature view of the world that still can rock.

Like Pearl Jam, it is OK for me to enjoy myself as I get older. Just cuz I am a husband, father and employee, doesn't mean that I have to lose all of my personality in favor of adapting to these roles. I can enjoy Pearl Jam and listen to all of the music and still be a good dad and a respected professional.

An epiphany occured to me last night along these lines. I realized that my mother diplayed no interests or activities while I was growing up. She basically worked and raised us kids but did little in way of her own enjoyment besides reading romance novels and drinking whisky. Somehow, although I know that her behaviour cannot be a happy example, I have been following it. Example = "Scrub yourself clean of all personal interests and individuality cuz now you are an adult w/ responsibilities."