Balance

How is it

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:08:00 +0000

How is it that I am not hung over today? Last night I was drinking iced wine, one after another until the wine box (yes, box of wine) went dry. Then switched to cheap vodka and diluted pineapple juice. I was drinking rapidly, for a couple of hours with only a couple of cups of water thrown in.
Today I feel prett food tho and got right out of bed rather than wanting to sleep in. As usual.
I guess that I did not feel that drunk last night but assumed I was given the amount I felt I was consuming.
One thing, I did go to bed about midnight which is pretty good for me. Didn't drink any coffee yesterday again and at night I just seem to get too sleepy to stay up till 2 am getting plastered.

Again

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:30:00 +0000

Getting drunk again. Had a number of iced wines till the wine box ran dry. Now vodka w/ pineapple juice. Will stay up kind of late, go to sleep drunkish, and snore so loudly so as too keep my wife awake. Fuck me.

As fast as I can

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:46:00 +0000

Woke up today with almost a hangover. Gently nursed myself into the day at the office. Luckily I did not have nausea or a headache. As soon as I get home, what do I do? Yep, start drinking diluted boxed wine on ice. Trying to get a buzz as fast as I can. I know it's fucked up but I cannot help myself. Alcoholic I am.

"Fast as I can" allusion to Fiona Apple song.

Have another?

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:03:00 +0000

Midnight and I have to get up at 6:30 am. I'Ve had several iced wines and finding it difficult to stop drinking.
This is my curse. Once I start drinking I just can't stop.
Of I don't go to work tommorrow, I don't get paid. Need the money.

Fuck me.

Still crickets

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:30:00 +0000

It is getting into the 40s at night these mid-November days. Wifey claims to have seen frost in the morning at least once, tho I haven't.

Buzz

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:47:00 +0000

Many, many years ago on the Seaside boardwalk I would see t-shirts with the phrase "A day without a buzz is a day that never was."
That is where I am at right now.

I am not sure how long I can keep this up.

Crickets

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:24:00 +0000

Still hearing crickets at night. No frost yet. Saw a cricket in the basement the other day. Let him go when I could have easily stepped on him. Seein more bugs lately trying to get into the house. Slow bug, spiders, millipedes.
-peace

Booze

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:18:00 +0000

Hung over again today. Was drinking wine last night and didn't realize how much I drank or how drunk I was. Looking back, I was very drunk. This is disturbing as I had intended to only drink enough to get on an even keel after the hangover from the previous night (tues).

so that is 2 days in a row hung over. Previously I had about 4 days w/o a drnik and felt great. Stayed dry on purpose as had really bad hangovers 2 out of 4 days over a weekend.
I am right back where I was over.5 years ago. Can't believe I am back here again.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:30:00 +0000

Holy christ. I am so sleepy. And bored. I know that I need to go to sleep early to catch up on sleep and be ready for a busy work day tomorrow. But here I am working at my desk and working on my 2nd glass of wine.

I guess the wine represents a chance for me to enjoy myself right now. That is pretty important to me. I feel like my life is so mundane and boring. What is really soul crushing, is the thought that this is my life forever. It will not get any better than this. That kills me.
Working a shit load.
Tons of responsibility.
4 kids to try to be a good father too.
2 aging parents. 1 of which is now my dependent.
Sole bread winner. If my current employment situation were to change, what the hell would I do to support the family?
Despite squirreling some savings away the past few months, we still have a shit load of debt and that makes me feel small.
And I am so fucking lonely. Few friends. I have pushed away all my old friends from school and prevented anyone else from getting close.

So is this my life? Sometimes it feels like it.

I know I could flip into an opportunity but can I? Really? I always run up against my shyness, and dickheadedness that prevents me from making new friends or resurrecting new ones.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:00:00 +0000

So here it is, another Monday. Feeling pretty good this morning.

So, I have started drinking again, since April 2009 sometime. Not drinking every night but getting drunk at least twice a week and 1 or 2 hangovers each week.

I am trying really hard to not have the drinking drag me down to that dark place again. It seems that I crave it, mostly out of boredom. Trying to minimize drinks during the week in favor of heavy drinking on the weekend. To that end, I have been looking forward to the weekends lately so that I can get sloshed. Suck down Cheeba too.

But these have not been as fun as I always hope. ANd the mild or heavy hangovers the next day put a damper on my energy levels. Often by Monday I feel like I need to sleep off the weekend. Also, I get a little depressed, maybe from the Cheeba.

To sum it up, I am limiting my drinking but still drinking hard. I still want and think about it almost evry day. I still largely drink alone, at home, at night while watching TV. And overall, it is kind of lame. I wonder if focusing more on drinking in social occasions would be more fun.

-Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 13:02:00 +0000

Wow, we have had a busy last 30 days or so. Reviewing photos from my iPhone, we did alot of fun stuff.

A week at the LBI Beach House in Holgate (beach, crabbing twice, lighthouse, bikes, shopping). 2 crabbing trips to Berkeley Island. Ate a mess of blue crabs for the first time. Papa's birthday party and swimming in the pool. First day of school. Overnight camping with R. at Lebanon including night geocaching in the rain and climbing the fire tower.

I make note of this cuz I have been feeling like I have not been doing much fun stuff with the kids this summer. I always see them watching TV or using the computer and feel bad for not taking them adventuring more. "Like I used to."

Given my full and part time jobs, plus just the family overhead of 4 kids, I know that I do not have the time or energy that I used to have, But still, the parental guilt is there.

So this list in the first paragraph makes me feel a little better .

-Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:32:00 +0000

VoiceMemo6Aug2009.m4a

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 16:03:00 +0000

Who can I love more, my parents or my wife and kids?

Now that I am a parent myself, I like to think that my kids will love above all else, forever.

Though I feel that I can't love my kids less than anyone. They are dependent on me. I made them in a way. They are what drive everyday. How said will i be on the day when they have their own children to love the most.

Has my mom passed that day? She seems so lonely these days.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Sat, 23 May 2009 04:46:00 +0000

Heard Crickets tonight. First night of 2009 to hear crickets at night. Have had the windows open many nights and always silence. Except for those ridiculous midnight birds.

Fredo is dead. I watched him die over 6 month period. I thought he had a right to live as long as he wanted. I do not feel that it is up to me to make the decision to end his life.

We loved him when he could no longer hear us say it.
We loved him when peed on the carpet.
We loved him when he would only eat canned dog food.
We loved him as he lost weight.
We loved him when he would only eat steak.
We loved him when he could not get up.
We loved him when he drank bowl after bowl of water.
We loved him when his bark turned to a raspy whisper.
We loved him as his muscles disappeared.
We loved him and swatted the flies go away.
We loved him loved him as we priced the euthanaisia.
We loved him as we bathed and cleaned him.
We loved him when he couldn't drink.
We loved him when we called the vet.
We loved him when died in the kitchen.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 04:12:00 +0000

Fred is dying. 13 years old and diagnosed with lymphoma (cancer). He is skin and bones and rapidly slowing down. Needs help getting up. He is a tough old bird tho and keeps to his routine although much more slowly.

MY heart is broken. It actually broke a couple of months ago. Now, I am just trying hard to deal with Fred day by day. He doesn't have long though I would never have guessed that he would last this long.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 03:31:00 +0000

Man am I feeling like crap today. Emotional toll from my income situation and little too much wine last night are both crushing me today.

Yep, I started drinking some wine again. Stopped the ganja in January while looking for jobs. Been so bored in the eves that I figured I try alcohol again. It is OK, the buzz is nice but I like that of weed better. The drunk is too heavy and sloppy. But, I have had 2 hangovers since. While I don't drink a great deal, I guess I am just not used to it. I think last Thursday (4/9) might have been the first in 5 YEARS!! Lately, I had been thinking a lot about the social lubricant properties of alcohol and I have felt that after 1 or 2 drinks. Though, I can't stop drinking once I stop. It is a battle the entire night, simply trying to not drink as fast as possible until I go to bed. And the hangovers just suck so much. I think the costs are too high for he buzz. I simply can't manage my booze. I think I will drink again, though it will be case by case basis.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 14:39:00 +0000

Timothy Leary

I did my drug and counter culture phase in the 1990s. During that time I heard of Timothy Leary and got the gist of his message. by that time he was 'old' and his message seemed dated. Like I was a few decades too late.

Even younger, I heard about Timothy Leary through pop culture such as that lyric in a Beatles song that mentions his name and occasionally on the network news shows. Back then, I could not grasp his motto, "Turn on, tune in and drop out".

So during and after my fore mentioned counter culture phase, I absorbed the tip of Leary's message and moved on, thinking there was nothing else to be heard from him. In the late 90's, I heard of him again from time to time, especially right before his death and though "Man, this guy is still kicking it and pushing his life experiences, even as an old man."

That is my perspective now. I don't pretend to know much about him, but I respect him for always living as purposefully as he could. some folks that gain fame or top of their field are content to just fade quietly, away. Not this guy, he just kept making his life happen and pursuing things that interested him.

I guess I have the same respect for artists/performers like the Rolling Stones. I like their early music and even some of the 80s stuff I would hear on the radio when I was a kid. Haven't paid attention to their music since then. But I respect that these guys, old men that they are, are still out there kickin' it. They are living their lives, playing their music, performing their concerts.

I only hope that I can live as deliberately as Timothy Leary. Especially with my responsibilities of fatherhood.

Some nice photos of Timothy Leary's archives:

http://news.cnet.com/2300-10797_3-10000319-1.html?tag=mncol

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 19:38:00 +0000

Reactive Daddy

With 4 kids, a wife, 2 dogs and an 80 year old house, my life is spent in reaction mode. My day is not spent doing things of my design or desire. My day is spent sitting and waiting for the next thing to react to. What did the 4 year old just spill? What is that sharp thing lying on the floor? Where is the phone? Is that the baby crying? Is that the dog barking to come inside? Did the 3 year old dog with a bladder control issue just wake up form a nap and need to go out?

I hate being so reactive. I live in constant time deficit.

Oops, gotta run, the baby is crying.

Fuck me.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:33:00 +0000

Apps on the Web or the Desktop?

Unlike Google's approach in which they are moving content and apps to the web, seems to me that MS' Live Mesh,http://www.mesh.com/Welcome/overview/Overview.aspx, leverages applications on existing PCs while sharing files more easily. Microsoft is leveraging their strong presence on PCs (Windows, Office) and throwing in remote control/access of PCs to boot.

I'm already a Google docs user. Now I just need a reason to try out Live Mesh.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 14:34:00 +0000

College Costs

W/ 4 kids, oldest just turned 10, we are always aware of college costs. Our current 529 plans are a start.

So here is what Obama says about funding for college, 2 days after his inauguration, from http://www.whitehouse.gov/agenda/education/:
"
Higher Education

Create the American Opportunity Tax Credit: Obama and Biden will make college affordable for all Americans by creating a new American Opportunity Tax Credit. This universal and fully refundable credit will ensure that the first $4,000 of a college education is completely free for most Americans, and will cover two-thirds the cost of tuition at the average public college or university and make community college tuition completely free for most students. Recipients of the credit will be required to conduct 100 hours of community service.
Simplify the Application Process for Financial Aid: Obama and Biden will streamline the financial aid process by eliminating the current federal financial aid application and enabling families to apply simply by checking a box on their tax form, authorizing their tax information to be used, and eliminating the need for a separate application."

Costs to attend Cook College this year, live in a dorm and have a full meal plan: $11,418.95. The cost breakdow, from http://www.studentabc.rutgers.edu/forms/tuition/08-09TermBillChargesNB_UnderNew.pdf .

Cook College

NJ Resident tuition $5,146.00

campus fee $956.50

school fee $38.00

dorm $3,116.00

meal plan $2,000.00

computer fee $141.50

targum fee $9.75

NJPIRG fee $11.20

$11,418.95

Of course, these costs increase every year. Also, if we get creative with housing and meal plans, we might be able to reduce the cost.

Another thought is that maybe we could move to a state that provides free college to state residents. I recall that CA used to do this but need to research this point further.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 13:32:00 +0000

So over the past week, I finished up the autobiography of Slash, the lead guitarist for Guns N' Roses and also Velvet Revolver. It was a library book that I picked up on our way to the cabin. It was an interesting read and brought backs waves of nostalgia for G-n-R. In as a gentle a way as possible, Slash says Axl Rose was a jerk and dragged the band down.

Late last week I listened to Appetite for Destruction (which Slash considers their greatest work). It is a fantastic album, even now, 20 years after its release. I loved it back then and it sounds better now. Now, I am able to differentiate all of the instruments. Back in 1988-89, I focused mostly on the lyrics. Lyrics that I found I still remember! Guns was so raw to me back then. As a white kid from the suburbs, their lyrics and persona were alien but fascinating. they sang about sex and drugs and it seemed real to me. Like a distant place where all of these glorious and onderful lives were being lead. Well, according to Slash, the subjects of the songs are basically their real life at the time tho wonderful it is not. The drug abuse was sad and dark and lonely, leading to relationship and health problems.

After listening to Appetite (MP#s via inAmp), Idug out my original cassette tape (yeah baby) of G N' R follow up album Lies. The songs on this album are explicit with sex and racism and violence. Again, suburban white boy found this fascinating. At the time, my life was not exposed to such realities in the first person. Neither was I aware via the media or other displaced means. Geography kinda sheltered my upbringing. I would not have even known how to find books or media that talked about the drug and sex lifestyle. Kinda funny as today, any and all info is available for all on the internet. Today, one can read all about drugs and debauchery within a few minutes of sitting down at a computer.

So now Ineed to get a digital copy of Lies to listen to. I could pipe the audio from the cassette tape to my computer but the quality will be poor by today's standard. I never listened much to Use Your Illusion I and II, tho the song Civil War was great. Slash said that song was actually written and recorded in the Appetite sessions. I never even listened to The Spaghetti Incident. It would be nice to get these albums.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 02:01:00 +0000

I am so f***ing bored!

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 12:35:00 +0000

Day after my birthday. Am now 38 years old. Was very grumpy yesterday and a little harsh on my oldest son. I'll write more about that another time.

Right now I am in my 3rd floor office and it is pouring rain outside. Thunder and lightning too. Fun. My son just went off to camp at Fernbrook Farm where they are outside all day exploring the farm, playing in the stream, hiking through the fields, caring for the farm animals and the like. All outside and it is raining cats and dogs.

Being out in the rain, in the warm summer and getting soaked should be fun. I recall as a kid having a great time getting soaked in summer showers. The realization that I could get wet and the world would not end, was exhilarating. It almost felt like I was being rebellious and disobedient to my Mom and society. "come in out of the rain", "cancelled due to rain" are messages that come up over and over in childhood. It was fun to realize that I could not only survive being soaked to the bone but it was actually fun.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:48:00 +0000

I just wrote the below to my sister in an email after she asked how we were doing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
We will be away at the cabin next weekend so we can't do the 27th. Talked to Mom and we are tentatively going to her house the following weekend to celebrate her bday.

We are doing well. I returned from Costa Rica last weekend. Had a nice day in the rain forest followed by days of work. No time to explore so was glad to get home. Took 3 days off last week. G. and I took a ride on the Riverline to the Trenton Train station and back. He was very excited. R. and I went on a mid-week overnight paddling trip down the Mullica River in Wharton State forest. Lots of fun. Beautiful weather and scenery. Lots of beaver lodges and we paddled over the beaver dams as if they were 1.5 foot high waterfalls.

F. is rolling over and sitting up and verbalizing. G. is good tho having a bout of spring allergies. K is enjoying more free time that basketball has ended. R. is liking the gamecube. We put over $100 into one weekend and it has been a fixture ever since.

K. is doing well. With the warmer weather she is able to resume her early morning exercise walks and is looking forward to gardening this year. She and I managed to get 20 minutes of tennis in yesterday at the park before the kids demanded our attention.

I am looking to plan out paddling, hiking and camping trips this season. Also, trying to balance the demands of contract work with everything else.

noreply@blogger.com (Mapit) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:43:00 +0000

4/9/08 Written while sitting in a meeting in San Jose, Costa Rica after spending a day, hiking and soaring via aerial tram through the tropical rain forest.

The tropical rain forest is so rich (rain, sun, temperature) that much food is available for life. Finding food is not really a limiting factor as in other, harser climates. Due to this richness, many many species are trying to live in the tropical rain forest. The challenge to survival is not the limited availability of resources but rather the competition for those resources by other species. Competition is so fierce in every possible ecological niche.