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What with all this talk these days about the end of social security and the importance of retirement assets, portfolios and CD ROMs, I decided it would be a good idea at this time to share my investment knowledge with the common man.
It happens that last month I had the opportunity to take an Open University class in investing. Because of the complexity of this topic, it was quite a long and grueling course and lasted almost an entire morning one Saturday. Nonetheless, I did manage to complete the course, with only one Diet Coke break. So now I'm pretty sure I know everything about investing, and can offer you some good, sound advice on securing your financial future.
The first thing I learned is that the single most vital step in creating a good investment plan is: Get some money. There are a number of ways this can be accomplished. You can, for example, get a job. I would be derelict in my duties, though, if I didn't point out that this is probably the least practical way to get money—as I'm sure you know if you've ever tried it yourself. It takes up practically all your time, and you have to fill out piles of new employee forms. Not to mention that there is all that, you know, WORK. The worst part about is, a lot of employers have a nasty habit of reporting what they pay you to the IRS. This leads to even more filling out of forms, and a shocking loss of wages come April 15.
No, getting a job is not very practical. The other methods, for which I have nothing but praise, are 1) inheriting money and valuable antiques; and 2) marrying for money and valuable antiques. I'm sure you'll find either of these plans far superior to the aforementioned job method.
In any case, now you've got some bucks and you're ready to invest. There are a wide range of investment options for you to choose from at this stage. The first is of course stock, including chicken and beef stock. I think any of these are good investments since we all know stock is just brimming with vitamins, and can be used in so many recipes. Plus it's a liquid asset, and you should always drink plenty of fluids.
The other major type of investment is bonds. I don't really like bonds because personally, I don't believe in all that violence. Remember how the Americans dropped those bonds on Japan back in 1940-something? That was just horrible. U.S. Government bonds are bad enough, but municipal bonds are even scarier. I don't think cities should drop bonds on each other, no sir. Surely there is a better way to work out differences. How about a bake-off?
Finally, there is something called "mutual funds." A mutual fund is where everybody puts their "funds" together "mutually," and someone else decides what to invest it in. It's good for beginning investors because it's so easy to understand. It's like one of those "secret Santa" gift exchange at the office except at "Christmas," you may end up with no "present," if you catch my drift. Which brings us to the next part of the investment process, the "broker."
Now that you know your options and understand the market, you will be needing a "broker." A "broker" is someone who you give all your "funds" to, which usually results in what is referred to in the investment community as being "broke." Brokers can think up places to put your money that you never even considered. They call this "diversification." But don't worry. The law clearly states you can get all your money back the minute you reach the age of one hundred fifty-nine and a half, unless of course you are dead or using it for a first-time home purchase.
Please remember, I'm not an investment professional so I can't be responsible if your investments don't work out. But I did take that class and all, and I remember most of it. I mean, it was pretty early in the morning, sure, and I may have had a slight hangover. I may have dozed off, even, but it was just for a second. Or maybe it was just first part. No, wait. It was the second part.
I think I hear my stock boiling over.
© Copyright Barbara Powell, 1995-2002.