Merc with the Mouth Files - Spider-Man


Real Name:

Peter Parker
Current Alias: Spider-Man
Also Known As: Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man, The Sensational Spider-Man, The Spectacular Spider-Man, Tiger, Spidey, Webhead, Webslinger, Wall-crawler, Mad Dog #336, Spider-Hulk, Spider-Phoenix, Man Spider, Ricochet, Prodigy, Hornet, Dusk, Captain Universe, Super Spider-Man, Iron Spider, The Challenger
Past Teams: Daily Bugle, New Fantastic Four, Outlaws, Secret Defenders, Avengers, Secret Avengers, New Avengers
Spider-Man
Strengths: Superhuman strength, speed, stamina, agility, reflexes, durability, healing, and a genius level intellect. The ability to cling to most surfaces and a precognitive "Spider Sense." He uses web-shooters which release a web-fluid in a variety of configurations, including a single rope-like strand to swing from, a net to bind enemies, a single strand for yanking opponents into objects, or a simple glob to foul machinery or blind an opponent.

Weaknesses: He tries to balance his life out of costume with his life in costume, trying to keep loved ones safe by keeping his identity a secret.

Notes: Well I don't know too many people in this world that don't know who Spider-Man is. I mean who doesn't love the dreamy doe-eyed Tobey Maguire? I thought Spider-Man was Peter Parker? And wait, how did we know that it was Peter Parker? I thought he mad the deal with Mephisto to keep that hidden? And wait again, how did we know that he did that? That isn't important. What is important is that I give you a fresh new look at the Webhead here. And to do that I called in some help. What you are going to get here is an exclusive, extra-special guest appearance by someone who has investigated Spider-Man for YEARS. So without further adieu, Mr. J. Jonah Jameson everybody!

Spider-Man is a menace! He is a criminal that has gotten away with more heinous acts than any human being dressed as an arachnid should! Now I want all of you people reading this to get out there and scour the city for this hooligan and get pictures of him performing his acts of vandalism and shenanigans. And find out who Spider-Man is while you are at it. I want to know who the punk is behind the mask! And I want poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you finish get me some coffee. And the poems should have the fallowing rhyme scheme, a, b, b, a, a, b, b, a, c, d, e, c, d, e. Then go out and get me MORE PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN!!! What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year? Go!

Wow. Just wow. Wait, won't he read this page and find out who Spider-Man really is? Nah, this page is kind of like the recap page, you know? Doesn't count in continuity.

How to defeat him: Spider-Man cares too much for his loved ones, so taking hostages here would be key. Maybe dear old Aunt Mae or the very lovely Mary Jane Watson (especially if McFarlane is drawing her) would do very nicely. Then I should be able to slice and dice and shoot to my hearts content while he is being all emo over my captives. Isn't that what everyone tried to do in the movies? It never worked. Yes, but I am not a movie. And before you say it, Baraka-pool doesn't count!.

Links:
Spider-Man - Marvel Database
Spider-Man - Wikipedia