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Welcome to the great Bob and Ray Giant Surplus Overstocked Warehouse Specials page, where the Generous Bob & Ray Organization lets you in on what we like to think are the Bargains of the Century. We hope you will like to think so, too.

Well, folks, we've done it before and now we've done it again -- in spades, if by spades you mean twice. We have such an embarrassment of riches to offer you that...well, frankly, friends, we're embarrassed!

And because our faces are red, you can save a lot of green...and we do mean a lot and we do mean green. If you're talking about American money, that is. Here for the ultimate in consumer delight are the current Bob & Ray Giant Overstocked Surplus Warehouse specials:

Ridiculous or Sublime? You Decide.

There's good news today, friends. Good news for you, bad news for us.

We've done it again, and our loss is your gain.

In anticipation of the Easter season, we laid in a large supply of chocolate rabbits. These were the best chocolate rabbits money could buy. Each one was genuine chocolate, all chocolate. Each one had a purple bow tied around his or her neck. Each one was edible, real edible.

But, through the carelessness of one of our alert, uniformed attendants, these chocolate rabbits were stored next to the steampipes in our overstocked surplus warehouse. So, we are now able to offer, at a ridiculously low price, exactly twenty gross of genuine, laughably edible, all chocolate wobblies.

These wobblies are not only appropriate for any season, but the kiddies will have great fun trying to decide what the wobblies represent. Some of you imaginative youngsters will imagine dinosaurs, wombats, and anteaters. Others will see pterodactyls, vultures, and your mother-in-law.

But, friends, this is backed up by the unconditional Bob and Ray guarantee: Not one of the kiddies will know these were once rabbits. Any wobbly mistaken for a rabbit can be returned to the Bob and Ray overstocked surplus warehouse, where the full purchase price will be laughingly returned.

Never again do we expect to make this amazing offer. The warehouse engineers have already removed the steampipes, and with them, our alert uniformed attendant.

So be the first in your neighborhood to surprise your kiddies after Easter! And remember, each of these edible, all-chocolate wobblies has...somewhere in it...a real purple ribbon! And that makes an extra surprise that will really give the little nippers a bang...also pull out any loose teeth they may have been trying to dislodge.

So write immediately to:

And say, "We'll bite."

Profile of Finley Quality Network journalist Wally Ballou

Not Enough Barn Owls for Everyone

We know it sounds too good to be true, neighbors, but our alert staff has purchased the entire stock of the nation's largest bankrupt taxidermist for a fraction of what would have been a ridiculous price even if we had paid the whole thing.

Now we're passing the savings along to you, the consumer -- and the stuffed owl of your dreams can be yours at last for an unbelievable amount plus postage and handling charges. Which are also ridiculous.

Now friends, please don't get the idea that these are used owls or taxidermy rejects. Each and every one is freshly stuffed, bright-eyed, and solidly perched on a beautiful simulated tree branch.

We might also mention that these are not the inferior screech or hoot owls usually offered by less reliable mail order firms. Each of these handsome creatures is guaranteed for a full thirty days to be a genuine barn owl.

Now, you're probably wondering how any legitimate concern can offer purebred stuffed barn owls at a price within the reach of even the lower middle income group.

Frankly, we wondered about that ourselves until the true facts came to light. The unfortunate taxidermist whose stock we secured bought four thousand dead owls during the great bull market of 1981, only to find that they could not be stuffed and sold at a price to compete with imported Japanese owls.

Needless to say, the Japanese owls did not hold up under heavy use or severe climate. In fact, some of them proved to be nothing more than simulated feathers glued onto plastic frames. But this discovery came too late to prevent financial ruin for many domestic owl stuffer. And now, their loss can be your gain -- if you act quickly.

There isn't a moment to lose, friends. The Bob and Ray Giant Overstocked Surplus Warehouse still has a good selection of both male and female stuffed owls mounted on a variety of walnut, mahogany, and Early American maple twigs. But how long can a mere four thousand birds last in a nation of two hundred and forty million?

Simple arithmetic spells out the answer. More than two hundred and thirty-nine million Americans are doomed to disappointment. And you could well be one of them unless your order goes into the mail today.

As an added inducement for promptness, the warehouse is making this special bonus offer: If your order is postmarked before midnight tonight, you will receive, at no additional charge, a lovely Sanforized t-shirt bearing the cleverly-worded inscription, "I Shop at the Bob and Ray Giant Overstocked Surplus Warehouse in one convenient location and save money besides being open every evening until nine."

We're offering these t-shirts absolutely free of charge because we decided after they were delivered that the inscription doesn't quite make sense. In any other form of advertising, it probably would -- but on a t-shirt, not quite.

However, they do come in small, medium, and large.

Please remember, friends, it's the t-shirts that come in a choice of sizes and the stuffed owls that come in a choice of wooden twig perches. So don't forget to specify what you mean by which when you order.

In either event, don't delay. Even if you forget to specify what you mean by which when you order, the worst you can wind up with is a small owl and a mahogany t-shirt. But only if it's postmarked before midnight tonight.

So do it now. Just address your order to: