Facing the Challenge

Written by Sandra L. Nelson

The definition of challenge in The American Heritage Dictionary is "a test of one's abilities or resources in a demanding but stimulating undertaking." Everyone has challenges to face. The abilities or resources an individual possesses come from knowledge and prior experiences. How one chooses to meet those challenges may affect the outcome. I have faced countless challenges throughout my life, too many to list or describe in this format. This essay will describe one challenge that has several stages, each representing a different aspect of the overall challenge. I will explain this challenge and the various stages. I will also describe how I met each stage of the challenge.

My first child, born on my first wedding anniversary, was the beginning of my plans to have a large family. I was admitted to the hospital at 9:00 a.m. and had Andrew by 11:15 a.m. on September 13, 1987. While I was holding Andrew following the delivery, he started to turn blue and gasping for air. Something was frightfully wrong.

The hospital personnel diligently worked to find out what was wrong. My husband and I endured a 24-hour period of not knowing Andrew's fate. We faced this period by praying and telling ourselves that everything would be fine. During this time, I also began negotiating with God to make Andrew better.

The day following the delivery, the cardiac doctor performed an echocardiogram on Andrew. The doctor discovered that Andrew had a life-threatening heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. This syndrome is when a child is born with a chamber missing on the left side of his or her heart.

This devastating news forced me to look inside myself. I had to find strength within me to be there for Andrew. It was not a time for panic or self-pity. My husband and I logically approached the situation by finding out what options we had. We could either have heart surgery to build a necessary shunt (only a 10% chance of survival) or take Andrew home to die. My husband and I faced this decision by discussing our values and the possible outcomes. We opted to give Andrew even the slightest chance at life.

Andrew went through the surgery when he was three days old. It was hard to see Andrew in such a helpless state following the surgery. The way he was stretched out like a dissected frog sticks in my head to this day. I approached this image by focusing on how strong Andrew was through his ordeal. Deliberately placing my thoughts on Andrew kept me from self-pity.

My husband and I received a call on day four telling us to go to the hospital. We could sense that we were about to receive the worst news of all. Both of us were silent for the entire 45-minute drive to the hospital. The previous three days was an emotional roller coaster ride and the ride was ending. It was during this silent time that I attempted to prepare myself for bad news by thinking of reassuring words. The doctor told us he spent an hour attempting to resuscitate Andrew. Despite the doctor's valorous efforts, he pronounced the death of Andrew Glenn Nelson at 9:05 a.m. on September 17, 1987.

Dealing with the death of Andrew was emotionally difficult. However, my biggest challenge through this whole ordeal was holding Andrew after he died. I wanted to remember him alive, not dead. My husband left the room to hold him. The social worker in the room continued to talk with me. She helped me weigh the pros and cons of holding him. The social worker sharing her knowledge of other people's experiences helped me to face what I needed to do. I could see the sign of peace and acceptance in my husband's face when he returned. Never experiencing the death of a child, I had to allow myself to be vulnerable to the social worker's experiences. I swallowed my fear of the unknown and opened the curtain to where Andrew was laying.

Seeing Andrew with no wires, no needles, and no resuscitator brought a feeling of relief. He was no longer in pain. This was the first time I was able to hold him since he was born. I wrapped Andrew in a blanket and rocked him in the rocking chair the hospital provided. Holding Andrew's lifeless body made the whole ordeal real. It was during this time that I put Andrew to rest. In hindsight, this was a crucial element of my healing process. Had I not allowed myself to be vulnerable during this stage, I may never have met the challenge of losing a child.

I dealt with the emotions involved in burying Andrew by writing a poem entitled "To My Precious Son in Heaven" that expressed my feelings. I also read numerous "self-help" books about death. Experiencing the deaths of my father, all my grandparents, and three brothers helped me process Andrew's death. Reading the books empowered me with an understanding of the stages of bereavement. The death of Andrew certainly tested my abilities and resources in terms of coping. With my experiences, the knowledge obtained through reading, and the ability to write down my feelings, I was able to cope and ultimately accept the death of Andrew.