Start out by saying something nice about the person with whom you’re trying to communicate, as in:
“I know you have my best interests at heart, but.......,” or, “I love you very much, (if that’s true,) but.................," or “Here’s OUR same problem again, and I want to tell you that, etc.

(1) Describe the situation, using the words - “When you.............,I...,” as in: “When you roll your eyes when I’m talking to you, I.............,” or, “When you yell at me, I............,” or, “ When you keep me waiting, I..............”

(2) Describe YOUR feelings that come up as a result of the situation, starting with the words - “I feel.......” You must be able to identify YOUR feelings. If you say - “I feel that YOU don’t love me, YOU need therapy, or, YOU are angry,” it won’t work. That’s not describing YOUR feelings. You need to be able to say things like - “I feel angry,” or “I feel scared, anxious, unworthy, left out, hopeless, helpless, depressed, threatened, worried you’ll leave me, etc.” Check out www.higherawareness.com/lists/emotions.shtml  to increase your feeling vocabulary.

(3) Describe what you want to happen next time, using the words, “I want you to............” or, “would like you to..............” or, “need you to..........” You may not get it but you need to ask for it. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to ask for what you want. It benefits you more than the other person.  So you might say: “I want you to look at me without rolling your eyes next time,” or, “I would like you to talk to me without yelling,” or, “I need you to be reasonably on time when we have a date.”

This technique can and should be used to express positive feelings about a situation as well so the good stuff will continue. It’s called “positive re-enforcement.” Start with (1) as in  - “When you bring me flowers, (2) “I feel so happy, then (3) say what YOU now want to do, as in: “I want to tell the world how much I love you.” Don’t be afraid to be lavish with praise and compliments. Pour it on.  Exaggerate even, its fun.

Needless to say, this technique doesn’t apply in dangerous situations. If someone is beating you up, you should get out to safety as fast as humanly possible.

This looks simple and it is, but its difficult and awkward at first because it’s not familiar. It’s progress just to remember the technique even after the fact, eventually you’ll be able to use it without thinking.  Then the words will flow gracefully.

IMPORTANT: When you’re not able to remember this technique during the actual situation and you realize later what you “should” have said, DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF!!! Instead, congratulate yourself for being able to realize the better, newer way, even though the moment has passed. As long as you judge yourself, i.e., “I’m so stupid, always wrong, when will I learn, etc.,” you will never be able to “think on your feet” the next time and be able to use this technique automatically.

And, in fact, you should never judge yourself anyhow. Give yourself a break. You’re doing the best you know how at this point in time.

 

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