but what can you do?
Friday, November 30, 2007
I'm doing concessions tonight for math team. I don't mind. I almost enjoy it. what bothers me is that every time math team has concessions, it's always just me and my brother. like last year, one of the games was on a day I had violin lessons. so to do concessions would have really been a pain. but everybody else was "busy" (American Idol was one person's excuse) so we ended up going anyhow.
today, there's a lot of people signed up for the first shift. so I dunno if I should go or not. Because if too many people are there, it's a total pain. but they might not show up. and if I'm not there, then what? or if they are there, and I show up, they can always just go watch the game. I don't care for basketball; I'm not gonna go watch the game.
but hey, it keeps me busy. I'll be out till 9:45 tonight. 'course, I could use that time to play sims, because I'm not going to have time to this weekend. I'm actually doing my homework tomorrow. (though I tell myself that every weekend and it never really works out...)
you know what really pissed me off? I had actually gone to the math team meeting this week. I had my violin with me (in it's case). while we were waiting for the teacher, everyone was asking me what I played. and after kinda explaining the difference between the violin, viola, cello, and bass, I was asked "why don't they just write a program that makes all the sounds on the computer? then it would sound perfect because it would never make mistakes"
uhhh...
maybe I'm biased because I come from a family of musicians. but is it really that hard to understand the concept of emotion in music? ok, yeah, with singing, it's easy to get it. but it's there in the actual music too. with classical music, it's all in the phrasing. that's the techincal term. how you play the notes. which ones do you accent. which part of the note do you accent. the motion. the flow. the everything. ok, yeah, I get that you don't play an instrument, but can you really not tell from listening...?
I hate when people say "sometimes, a girl needs..." fill in the blank. it's not just girls who do that. you can say "sometimes, a guy needs..." either way. I hate it. don't generalize. sometimes, people need food. and water. and a few other select necessities. those are the only generalizations you can make. There are things you want. and there are things you may think "all girls" need. but those are just things that most girls, or just you, want.
I don't understand relationships. I don't understand people who need a boyfriend/girlfriend to feel like they're worth anything. I thought that everybody had a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school. not necessarily the whole time, but at least part of it. I thought my friends and I were just lame or something like that (sorry guys, I honestly love you all) but I'm starting to realize that a lot of people don't. and now I wonder, what's up with that?
I had a boyfriend. now I don't. senior year has come, and is going fast. chances are, I won't get another boyfriend before I graduate. I don't care. I wouldn't mind being asked to prom. shocking, isn't it? (if you know me at all, it really is) but in order for that to be all "sweet" and "touching" and "perfect" you kinda gotta like the person who asks you. so when you don't really like anybody, you're kinda screwed. but when nobody's gonna ask you anyhow, I guess it doesn't matter.
I'm messing everything up lately. my flies in bio are all over the place. it's not good. and the chem lab today was a mess. we were supposed to have about 5 data points. After doing the lab three times, I had a grand total of two usable points. our final answer was off by 25%. but I feel really bad, because I was really short with my lab partner. everything started off fine. but on our first run, by what should have been the second point, we were getting negative values. which can be fine sometimes, but not when you need to take the natural log of it. so we started over. and it seemed like we'd have to just throw out one point this time. but no, we only had one good point. and we were running out of time, fast. but in the process of trying to get the graph to work (I was doing stuff wrong, so I hadn't even gotten to the natural log part yet) but nothing was working out, and I was the only one doing anything.
and I'm sorry, sometimes, I'm an emotional mess. usually I'm ok, but I've been all over the place lately. we ended up being way off. but at least we got something. and the calcuations were done right. so a couple points off won't kill me.
yesterday was the German club field trip. it was actually pretty awesome. I had a lot of fun. sometimes, I felt really out of place. but whatever, I can push that aside. got back to school, and everything was excellent.
then I went to science olympiad. nothing even happened. but I left feeling like crap.
today, we managed to convince our lit teacher to take us to the presentation on AIDS that was happening during the lunch hours. One of our security people was the speaker; he lost his son to AIDS. The story was really touching, but I don't know how to react to that. I don't know what to do. so I felt really awkward. yay for being a social failure.
they were taking donations. I don't personally know anybody who has AIDS. but I know it's a big deal. it's the kind of thing I would donate for. but honestly, I had cleared out my wallet this morning. because I thought "what would there even be for me to spend money on...?"
justification. a defense mechanism. I feel bad about not donating, so I'm trying to justify my actions with a "reasonable excuse" and sure, it is reasonable. I honestly had no money. you can't donate money you don't have.
but I still feel like I'm just making excuses. I get that feeling a lot.
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
denial
Monday, November 19, 2007
I have to go to Japanese class in less than half an hour. I love my Japanese class, but have you noticed I don't talk about it as much anymore? there's a good reason for that, but I haven't told anybody what it is. and it really sucks. but I do still like the class, and I am still taking the next class next semester.
but my other seat buddy won't be taking that either because it conflicts with a class she needs for her major. and ok, I know other people in the class, but umm yeah
and I don't think there'll be the class I need to take over the summer. which isn't good. because I told all my colleges I was going to take it them. but I mean, if they don't have the class, I can't take it, that's all there is to it. oh well.
another thing I haven't been talking about much is the 10 Years concert tomorrow. I got permission to go right away, which shocked me. and when I figured out how I could get there, I got tickets. there's three of them on my dresser right now. me, my sister, and her friend who goes to school in Milwaukee. it'll be my first concert without any of my friends. well ok, that's not counting classical music stuff. whatever.
but that's why I don't talk about it. I don't want to brag or anything, really. I do want to say "omg I'm so excited" but I'm holding it in. And I would on Wednesday after the concert too.
but it's looking like it won't be that hard.
I got home, and I noticed I had an email from ticketmaster. ummm... I had a bad feeling.
and with good cause
apparantly, the concert's cancelled. postponed, whatever. rescheduled to Dec 8th. hey, not bad. that's a saturday. much more convenient than a Tuesday.
but umm, too bad 10 Years will be in Japan then. touring with Dir en grey, nonetheless.
don't you love how things work out like that?
there are no other shows I can go to this year. it's just not possible. I'm hoping there'll be something early next year. because you have no idea how badly I want to see these guys again.
denial? we can get refunds for the tickets (thankfully! I wasn't expecting that) but I'm holding off. The Eagles Club's website (that's the venue) has the concert rescheduled. but 10 Years's myspace hasn't mentioned it. It is recent news, so they probably just haven't updated yet. I figure they'll send a bulletin or something telling people the show's been cancelled. they did for another show that was rescheduled.
but they haven't done that yet. their myspace still has the show listed for tomorrow. I know this won't happen, but I'm still hoping there's some tiny tiny bit of hope that something magical will happen and there'll still be a show, somehow. somehow.
it won't happen. I know that.
but I'm still holding out. it's been spelled out in front of me, there is no show.
but I'm not getting the refund until tomorrow. just in case.
because if I got the refund now, the concert would magically work out. except I'd have no tickets. lose lose situation for me.
I'm waiting waiting waiting for news. either something good, or something that'll finally tell me "get over it, it's not gonna happen"
it's stupid. it's just a concert. I know. I already went to one. I know. but I love these guys so much. I know. I don't actually know them. etc. all of that. but being at the concert was amazing. seeing them. talking to them. being
right there. greatest feeling ever.
my brother gets mad at me because apparantly "I'm always in a horrible mood". I don't believe that. it's "because I have no free time". that's true. "and you go to all those concerts and that just wastes more time".
no.
my concerts keep me going. since I got the go-ahead for this one, I just keep going thinking "I can make it, I have to, so I can see 10 Years again"
now all I have is "hopefully they'll come early next year" and "hopefully Dir en grey will come in the spring" and "hopefully this" and "hopefully that" but what I really want is a "yes"
outta time, gotta fly
EDIT:
so I get home from Japanese class, and sure enough, there's the bulletin. turns out the drummer from Papa Roach (the headlining band) is sick. bleh. the bulletin says 10 Years tried to book their own show somewhere in Milwaukee, but come on, that's really short notice, and of course it didn't happen (though of course if it had, that would have been exactly what I was hoping for)
now some of you might think I'm stupid for believing that they tried. I mean, seriously, there was next to no chance it would have worked out, so why even waste the time trying? and if it was coming from just about any other band, I probably wouldn't believe it. but from 10 Years, I believe it. probably just because I want to believe it. but I could totally see them wasting their time on something like that so as to not let the fans down...
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
I'm maybe this close to giving up right now
Saturday, November 10, 2007
it's funny
I hate how I question things so much. my "christmas" party. I'm asking, 'what's the point?' right now. the point is, because I want to see my friends. but for all the work I do, and the lack of input I get, I still wonder 'is it worth it?' 'can't somebody else do this?' 'everybody seems to plan things better than me anyhow' 'does anybody even want to do this anymore?'
look at Halloween. I wanted to do something. but nobody else did. and if they did, they didn't tell me. so I did nothing. Halloween should have been easy. there's no scheduling involved. It's October 31st. you can't move it to another day. you can either go or you can't.
so my stupid christmas party. Should be the last day of school before break. but if I do it then, about half of my friends can't come. so I'm trying to reschedule it.
yeah ok, I'm gonna need to call people. I get that. but I'm not doing that until I feel like it actually matters...
yeah I'm sorry, I'm a little upset right now. so yes, things are bothering me more than they normally do. but it happens. it's something you gotta deal with.
I hate blogging when I'm upset, because I feel stupid later about how much stupid things can bother me.
I don't know what to do anymore. I was supposed to go to Mitsuwa tomorrow, but apparantly I'm going to Harper's play/musical/whatever it is tomorrow with my sister. I know I need to go, because I have an assignment for lit, but that's not the only day it's playing. And I wanted to actually do something.
but then I ask myself, does it even matter? would my plans even work out? they never do.
since before I started high school, my mom's tried to convince me that I should graduate in three years. I'll be honest, I could have easily. If I had taken an extra lit class instead of graphic arts, for example. I have enough credits, I could have graduated early easily. But I said no, because I wanted to take classes I actually wanted to take. because I wanted to stay with my friends.
but here I am, my senior year, with over the required credits to graduate. The only class I'm in that I really want to be in is my chemistry class. and in all of my classes, I only see one of my friends. once. Ok, sure, I have people to talk to in all of my classes. I actually have lab partners, which is honestly a rare occurence for me. The only other time I had a lab partner who actually wanted to work with me, not just because there was nobody else to work with, was my freshman year in bio. but neither of my lab partners are close friends with me. I love working with them, seriously, but I do wish I had some of the fanfolk in my classes.
but at least I can see them outside of school, right? well, two of my friends leave after 6th period, and another works right after school, every day. so that rules out the "after school" part. but at least there's weekends, right?
yet here I am again, sitting at home, doing nothing.
yeah, ok, I should just pick up the phone myself. but it's not like I have money to do anything anyhow.
yeah I'm sorry I'll shut up now
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
I believe in miracles
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
my little cousin is in the hospital again. The one with cystic fibrosis. who, at the age of 9, has already had part of his lung removed.
they've made a ton of progress with CF treatment recently. The other cousin of mine with CF is just a few months older than me, but when he was born, his chances of survival were really low. But now, I don't think anybody could tell he's sick. which is truly amazing. but his little brother is in the hospital, yet again.
but my parents said two things that really hit me hard. "he doesn't have much time left, does he?" and "at least he led a good life" and I guess maybe both are true, but I'm really hoping the first isn't. I know you gotta be reasonable with things like this, but to just say "at least he led a good life" really makes it seem like you're giving up hope.
I hate to get my hopes up about things because I hate having them shot down. But something like this, I'll never stop hoping. two of my uncles have died, both unexpectedly at relatively young ages. but in their 30s. not their teens. I really don't know if I could handle it.
so I got my hopes up. a lot. I believe in miracles, you know. I really do. I think, I hope, a miracle will happen here. I want to see my cousin grow old.
I've always felt kinda iffy about people saying they're praying for somebody. I'm a religious person, you know, but I've never really understood that. I guess I haven't had reason to.
but right now, I'm praying for my cousin.
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
be prepared, this is a long one
Friday, November 02, 2007
did you know I've had this blog for over two years now? I was just looking back through my earliest posts, and they're all so stupid. The tone here has changed so much. I wonder if it was a gradual shift or not. I'd have to read through too much to tell, so I'm left to speculate. Reminds me a lot of my actual journal. The first one, I actually got in ...2nd grade? I wrote like, two pages, and didn't write again till maybe 6th? I started writing a lot, then. That one was small, but had lots of pages, so it lasted me quite a while, up into high school even maybe? I filled it up, and started using a cheap little one from the dollar section at Target. I didn't write much for a lot of my time in high school - I just started writing a lot again near the end of last year maybe? I wrote a ton over the summer, but haven't written as much lately. I did just fill the last page a few nights back, though. But lucky me, I have another one waiting to be started.
maybe I'll hold off on that, though. I want to write here. honestly though, I don't think I have the time. Yeka wanted to hang out today, because it's her first Friday off of work since maybe sophomore year? Rin gets off work at about 6, so I figured somebody would have some idea of what's going on. it's 6:27 right now, and I haven't heard anything.
Halloween. two, maybe three, years ago, we decided to be pirates last year (which we were) and the mafia this year. And since it's our senior year, it would have been our last Halloween together. It was supposed to be my last year trick or treating. but I had Japanese class. and I need to leave at 5 for that. So I figured I could take the two hours after school to get in at least a bit of trick or treating. but everything fell through.
you know, I hate it when people tell different stories to different people. for example, they tell me that they might be able to go somewhere, but then I hear from somebody else that they can't. who am I supposed to believe? and why not just tell the truth? it's stupid. I mean, if you don't want to go somewhere, if you can't go somewhere, if you can't do something, whatever the case is, I don't care. I just want to know the truth so I can make things work.
like Reactor. I was planning to go tomorrow, but now I'm thinking I'm not. because I don't think anybody else is going. and Reactor isn't the kind of place you want to be alone. I'd probably go to Acen alone, because it's cool. but Reactor is kinda lame, so you need friends there to make it fun. whatever, saves me $30
I never see my friends at school, and that really upsets me. so I send out an email asking when people are free so maybe we can hang out. I'll get a reply from maybe 2 out of 8 or so people, so plans never get made. is it that hard to reply to an email...?
I went to the 10 Years concert, right? it was amazing. being the "groupie" I am, I want to go to another show. I thought just one would be enough. I can't explain it well, but the concert was just amazing. I want to go back, I want to see them again. I know they won't remember me, I know I don't stand out that much, I know I'm insignificant. but it doesn't matter. I want to go. So there's a show in Milwaukee in a few weeks, right? Milwaukee's just an hour away. it's on a Tuesday, but that's the week of Thanksgiving, so that Wednesday won't be anything big in school. so I thought maybe that show would work out. my mom thought my dad would be ok with that - after all, he was the reason we got to go to Indianapolis for the Family Values show. I was so excited. when I ran the idea by him, though, he was pretty nonplussed. understandable. it's a Tuesday. he works. and he's working the Wednesday after too. I mean, I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up so much. originally, I had thought my mom would have given me a no flat out. I mean, when I've gotten tickets for the past few concerts, she's told me "no more concerts" after all of them. but she still lets me get tickets for the next. I'm spoiled like that, I guess.
but that little grain of hope got me so excited. only to be shot down. that's why I hate to get my hopes up. because it sucks so much when they come crashing down. I tried looking for other shows, over a weekend. the best I can come up with is in Flint, MI (10 Years headlining!) but that's a 5 hour drive away, and sure it's on a saturday, but 10 hours in the car for about an hour of concert? is it worth it? to me, of course. but it's not all about me. it's times like this that I wish I had my licence. if that were the case, things would work out so much better. I wonder if my sister would be willing to go. I think she likes 10 Years. but definitely not as much as I do... and she works, and she's in college and I dunno. I'll talk more on that matter later.
oh p.s., Rin wanted me to explain the rules to my post "20 more" a bit better. yeah, I'm good at being confusing. It's not really a survey, but it was a bulletin I had gotten on myspace a while back. the logic behind it is that everybody has things they want to say to people, but can't because they're either too shy, or they don't want to hurt their feelings, or whatever. So what you do is you take 20 of those things and list them, but without indicating who they're aimed at. I refuse to answer questions about them, so you can guess all you want, but you'll never know for sure who they're for. which means there's really no point to it, but it feels good to get things out.
have you noticed that this is really long yet? latley, I've been rather irritable, and in a crappy mood overall. my mom said I need to do something about that; some kind of emotional release. I realized, that's why I blog. I mean, yeah, I can't say absolutely everything, but I like the fact that people can actual read what I'm thinking, see how I feel, even if it's not everything, even if not many people read this, even though I really wish they would. which reminds me, are you reading this? do you know who I mean when I say "you"? I'm so bad at keeping in touch. it's not by choice, I swear...
so it's the weekend, again. weeks seem to be so slow, yet the weekends seem so close together. I don't get it. I mean, at this point, my life is monotonous. school, homework, eat, sleep, etc. same thing, day in, day out. Relating my life to "The Dead", can you even consider me alive at this point?
there's a lot of things I don't understand. mostly emotions. I've never been good with them, not once. especially emotions relating to other people. if that makes any sense. how about people on a whole? I'm a total cynic, but I'd be so lost on my own. yet I'm such an independent person - I'll never ask for help on anything. but I don't know how to do anything on my own. I need other people. I like to be in charge, but I work best when following directions. but that's not what I wanted to talk about...
individual people. for example. I have an online friend who I've known for over three years now. back in the day, we used to talk nearly every day. but life's keeping both of us busy, and we barely talk anymore. and that upsets me. lots of times, when things happen, I think "man I really want to talk to him about it" and I really don't know why. and then when we do talk, I rarely get the chance to say what I wanted, and I usually find myself wondering "why did I want to talk to him so badly?". but the next day, I wish I could talk to him more. explain that one to me.
or how about the first kid I really liked? he moved, so nothing ever happened there. and I hadn't really talked to him in three-ish years. I thought I had moved on. but he shows up over the summer, and that left me in a high like none ever. Nothing could get me down. but then I have to wonder, have I really moved on? will I ever?
and then what about with Xodlike? things were fine there, but I came to realize that something just wasn't there. I really can't explain it (nor do I really try to) but I'm thinking it had something to do with the fact that I want to be able to do my own thing, but I hate being the one in charge, but I hate not being in charge. yeah, I don't get it either.
but what's really throwing me off is this kid I met over the summer. several of my friends have said he's like, perfect for me (though whether I'm perfect for him is another question which has yet to be answered) and I want to agree. he's exactly the type person I would like. a big part of me
wants to like him. but I can't really say that I do. I mean, I was a little upset when he got a girlfriend, but nearly as much as I thought I'd be. so I dunno where any of that's going...
how about my "arch-nemesis", as some would say? who does everything I do, but better. and everything I wish I could do, but better. I never thought I'd meet my match, but I did. I've realized I'll never win, but that doesn't mean I'll ever stop trying. what do I feel there? jealousy or envy would be expected, I guess, and I'm sure there is some of that, but really, I just wish we'd talk more? I don't like to use the term "arch-nemesis" because that seems to imply some sort of resentment, but it's really just a one sided competition that I'll never win.
those are all people I know personally (kinda). but there's another person taking up a large percentage of my thoughts - the singer from 10 Years. ok, yeah, I know. I'm just an obsessive fangirl or something like that. but it's not a physical obsession. is he hot? I honestly don't think so. not bad, but ordinary. almost too ordinary to be a musician, at least now that he's cut off his dreads (which everyone freaks out over but hey, it's old news) so what is there, then? I mean, think about it - I don't know him at all. I mean, I won't deny, my obsession started with his voice. So I guess that is a kind of a physical obsession? I dunno. I've seen them live three times now. but only twice did I go for them. the first time, I had never heard of them. I've told this story time and time again. but it really means a lot to me. I've seen a bunch of bands live now, but 10 Years was the only one that drew me in like this, and given my state of mind when they did, that's pretty impressive. at the Indy FVT show, I would have loved to go to the meet & greet, but it was when Dir en grey was playing. I ran there right after Diru, and 10 Years was still there. but because I hadn't bought the cd, I couldn't go in. I saw them, I could have called out to them, but I didn't. I don't know what I would have said.
that was the problem when I met Jesse and Matt at the House of Blues. I didn't know what to say, and I must have sounded so stupid. I should have at least said "You guys were great" or amazing or anything. I stumbled over my sentences, but no more than I normally do. I have this wonderful habit of spacing out when in situations like that (which is why I completely missed the ending to the February Diru show) so I missed a lot of what they said. sometimes, I hate myself for that. but I dunno, I was so close to the front during the show. Jesse was so close to me, so often. If I had reached just a little farther, I could have touched him, no problem. but I didn't; I waited. before I had been to any concerts, I had seen videos. fans in the front all reaching, reaching, hoping that the singer, or whoever, will touch them. lots of them try grabbing them. but I didn't, I just kept reaching, kept reaching forwards. trying to convey everything I felt without saying a word. maybe it worked? I know I wrote about all of this in my last post, but there's still so much I need to get out. sorry, I'm a freak.
during the show, he touched me three times. the first two times, he was leaning out into the front center of the crowd, where I was. he grabbed many people's hands, so it was nothing special. Sae and Shippou were both so amazing. I was bad, I left them to get up in the front. But they just offered to hold my purse (which I hate taking to concerts but I won't get into that) and kept pushing me forwards. they smiled for me, Shippou poked me in the side. but the third time he grabbed my hand was the one that meant the most to me. he was up front and center again, but not there for long. and he wasn't reaching out to touch anybody. but I was there, reaching, reaching. and he finally took my hand, and quickly slipped away. but only me.
insignificant. I know. I am not special. I know. I can wish I was all I want, but it doesn't do me any good. he pointed at me, you know. but what's it matter? they wouldn't recognize me if they saw me again. they see thousands of people day in and day out. I'm just a face in the crowd, I know that. but it still meant a lot. the smilie face on my shirt? nothing makes me smile quite like that does. because for all the autographs he signs, day in and day out, how many have a smilie? mine and Shippou's do, but anybody else? (and I'm sorry Shippou, but I think mine is cuter :P)
I dunno. his lyrics. his voice. his passion. himself. it all just fits together so well. the band as a whole. they don't look like they belong together at all, yet they work together perfectly.
sometimes, I have a semi-photographic memory. for example, on tests, I read a question, and I can see right in my notes where the answer is (unfortunately, the answer itself is usually missing from my memory). or if I've seen a question and the right answer before, I'll know what the right answer is. but it doesn't work like that with people, apparantly. with most people, I have an image of them in my mind. it may change with time, it may not, but I usually can see people when I think of them. but Jesse? for all the times he was right in front of me, for all the time we were right there, talking to him. I can't see him. I know what he looks like, but even if I'm looking at a picture, I just can't believe that he was right there. That's why I want to see them again. but then again, I don't know how much that would help. I've seen Dir en grey four times now, and even still, when I look at recent pictures, I can't believe that I've seen them live, that they really exist. but then again, 10 Years existed to me before I ever once saw a picture. so let's see how that works out.
I'm sorry, I totally went off on a tangent there. maybe I had more to say, maybe not. but I'm really tired now, and I'm going to sleep. but just fyi, I was gone for a good 5-ish hours in the middle of this post. I didn't mark where. perhaps you'll note the shift in tone? probably not. I'll give a hint, it's right in the middle of a paragraph...
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
