new year, I'm still the same
Friday, January 15, 2010
I tell myself that I'm gonna do things differently. I was supposed to apply for a research position over break. I didn't. instead I decided to not do an REU this summer
I tell myself that the day I go back to school (well monday is technically the day after I go back, but regardless) I'm gonna walk around campus to see where all is hiring and apply anywhere and everywhere. I always say I'm gonna get a job. At this point I have no choice but to. But it's hard when nobody ever even offers me an interview. I have no confidence as it is; don't hurt it more
my life is full of people who are supportive of me. My family is amazing. My friends are amazing. I'd be lost without them.
I have somebody who is amazing and treats me so well, even though I don't know how somebody could put up with me being crazy and all. it's wonderful, and yet, it's scary. man you'd think by now I'd have at least a little more self confidence...
why is it scary? it's hard to explain. but we get along so well. we're so similar, but still our own people. what if this is it? that scares me.
and I have constant little things nagging in the corner of my mind: what if something happens and this doesn't work out? what if I spend all this time with him and it's all for naught? would I even be able to find somebody new? of course, I don't need to worry about any of that now...
you. I miss you. I don't want to say anymore.
I haven't been to breakdance in ages. I'm almost afraid to go back. I feel like I'm gonna suck. I feel like nobody's gonna care to see me there again. I wish I wasn't so shy there
I used to feel smart. I felt like I could do anything. that feeling's gone. it's been gone. I think it's because I no longer have the same competition that I used to.
I could keep on going. the point is, no matter what happens in my life, I always seem to stay the same person. and I'm not gonna complain. I like who I am. I just wish I could be a bit more positive?
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
here and there
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I haven't written in here in ages. I've been so busy lately. it kills me. I've been such a zombie...
I don't know what's going on in my life anymore. I had it good last year. I went to breakdance twice a week, sometimes more, without fail. I did good on my exams, homework didn't keep me up unless it was a lab report but I dealt with it. It's not working like that this year. I haven't been to breakdance in ages. I've done not near as well on a ton of my exams (having 6 over 2 weeks doesn't help) and even though lab reports are much shorter and easier this year, I still can't bring myself to focus on them.
I just don't know. At the beginning of the year, I had one group of friends that I'd hang out with a lot. Nothing big usually, but we went to latenight all the time and had movie nights a lot. I almost never see them anymore. The last time all of us were together was right before halloween. They were having a movie night. I wasn't invited. I ran into them by chance, and they asked, "why are you here? you weren't invited." and whether it was a joke or not, I don't care. It doesn't matter. I almost cried. It's not joking anymore. I mean, you can tell me to go away or whatever and usually I don't care. but I actually just wasn't invited that time, and that really hurt.
I need to learn balance. not just physically. I need to balance school and friends and friends and friends. I have a lot of friends who I haven't seen half as much as I should have. And I really feel bad about that. I'm sure a lot of it's because I have a boyfriend now. I never wanted to be one of those girls who drop everything just to be with their boyfriend. And I'm not, but the balance is off. I know that. I'm not stupid. I need to work on that. And fast.
what's really strange, though, is how much I miss from last year. It's not something I talk about often, because this year has been amazing too. I miss being able to just go across the hall and hang out and gossip with so many of my friends. I miss random late night trips for smoothies and just sitting around talking about anything. I miss going on walks and looking at all the urbana houses. I miss how you'd tell me, not ask, to come to dinner with you. I miss so many things about you. I miss going to six pack for dinner. I miss going to all the dorms for meals, even when it meant eating alone. I miss going to breakdance with you. I miss randomly baking all the time. I miss a lot more, too...
it's so easy to appreciate things once they're gone. Don't get me wrong, I value what I have now. It's just one of those things where you can't tell how much it means till it's gone. That said, a lot of things, I don't want to have to lose to appreciate. you know? I wonder what all I'm gonna end up missing from this year...
I signed a lease for an apartment for next year. I'm really excited for that. It'll be nice to have a bedroom to myself again. I don't mind sharing; trust me, the last thing I'd want is to have a single dorm room, but it is nice to have some privacy. I get along great with my roommate for next year. We do stupid things together all the time and it's just amazing. The one thing that makes me a little sad is that a lot of my friends will all be living in the same building next year, and I'm not. I'm only living like three blocks away, but still, you know? whatever.
I need to clean up my act. I need to grow up. I need to make some major changes in myself and my lifestyle. I always say that, but I never take action...
but thanksgiving is approaching. gotta remind myself, I have a ton to be thankful for. I really do appreciate it all, you know...
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
when things go too far
Sunday, October 25, 2009
it's weird
I joke around a lot with my friends. they make fun of me. I make fun of them. it's cool
but sometimes, things really do bug me and I don't think anybody realizes it. like nobody believes me when I'm actually being serious.
I'm about ready to crawl back in my shell for a little bit... I need to make some major changes in my life anyhow...
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
hmm
Monday, October 05, 2009
so I'm starting to think I have problems.
dysfunctional relationships ftw
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
so confused...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I have no idea where I stand right now
I have no idea how this got so complicated
I have no idea what to do
I can't even read my own emotions anymore
I'm staying open minded for now
I have no idea what's going to come out of this
I don't understand what people see in me. I don't think my personality is particularly outstanding. apparently I'm easy to make fun of. is that a positive quality? I don't think I'm particularly cute or anything. I have my own "style" or at least I like to think so, and I try to stand out in that aspect. But for the most part, I don't think I'm anything particularly special...
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
just friends?
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
I think I've talked about this before, but eh.
some people believe that a guy and girl can never be "just friends," that there's always gonna be some kind of attraction, whether it's one sided, mutual, or whatever. I've never been one for that mentality, especially lately. I have a pretty good amount of guy friends, so that's a lot of people there who I should be liking, or at least they should like me. I'm not gonna flatter myself and say that's the case.
I dunno, it just gets kinda old. I spent a good chunk of my summer hanging out with guys. that doesn't mean I liked them. I got along with them. I had fun with them. and that's that. I don't wanna have to take crap for hanging out with friends. I mean, I don't make a huge scene out of it, but cut me some slack plz
or like at school. I hang out with guys; not as much as at home, but whatever. If they end up liking me, that's beyond my control and I'll deal with it as I have to. but with very few exceptions, I don't feel a "connection" with the guys I hang out with...
but we're not gonna get into my fail of a love life. not now at least
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
getting that feeling again
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
like things are gonna get kinda awkward
I like to say I'm always right, but now's one of those times when I'm hoping that I'm wrong. I have a pretty good record of being right, though... maybe this will be the exception?
who knows.
if I am right, I'm playing oblivious. I always do. does that make me a bad person?
Author: Nanaki » Comments:
