How do I get my stepchild to like me?
How do I handle it when my stepchild says, "You're not my mother"?
Should my husband and I display affection for each other in front of his children?
At a support group meeting, will I have the opportunity to talk about my own personal problems?
What do you do in a support group meeting?
Does my spouse have to attend meetings with me?


Q. How do I get my stepchild to like me?
A. Your spouse's child loves his/her natural parent, and your spouse obviously loves you. This, however, usually doesn't translate into the child immediately liking you. There are two parts to getting your stepchild to like you: what you should do and what you should avoid.

What you should do: Establish regular times when all three of you do things together. Also, establish regular times when you do things just with your stepchild. These principles are involved in Steps 3 and 6 of the 8-Step Program.

What you should avoid: Avoid disciplining the stepchild until such time as you have developed a good relationship with the child. Premature disciplining often leads to strong resentment. The child will more easily accept punishment from the natural parent because of the parent/child bond that has existed since birth. The stepparent can and should be involved in decision-making about discipline, but the natural parent should be the one to carry out the punishment.

Q. How do I handle it when my stepchild says, "You're not my mother"?
A. It is normal for your stepchild to throw the steprelationship in your face when you ask him/her to straighten up their room. Try not to let "You're not my mother" bother you, and definitely don't argue with the child. Rather, take the approach "You're right, I'm not your mother. I'm your stepmother." Then proceed to assure the child that their mother will always be their mother and that you are not trying to replace their mother. Then gently explain what your role as a stepmother is.

Q. Should my husband and I display affection for each other in front of his children?
A. The answer to this question is a resounding "Yes!" Children learn how to relate to members of the opposite sex from observing the relationship between the adults in their household. When their natural parents were together, the children witnessed mostly contention rather than harmony. (That's why their parents are now divorced.) Now they are living in the home of two adults who love each other. This presents a golden opportunity to demonstrate what a good relationship is like. Then, when they've grown up, they know what kind of relationship to look for.

Q. At a support group meeting, will I have the opportunity to talk about my own personal problems?
A. The meetings are kept to a manageable size (usually at most six couples) so that everyone who wishes to will have time to address challenges that they are facing.

Q. What do you do in a support group meeting?
A. The meeting is an informal discussion facilitated by the chapter leaders. Each person is given the opportunity to talk about issues that are important in his/her stepfamily. If a person prefers to sit back and listen, the person can opt not to talk. Attendees work to help each other find solutions. For more details, see the Meetings page.

Q. Does my spouse have to attend meetings with me?
A. Ensuring the success of a stepfamily is a matter of regular teamwork on the part of the couple. Both of them need to be actively involved, and support group meetings are no exception. If one spouse absolutely can't attend, the other should still come, but every effort should be made to have both spouses there as often as possible.