The stepfamily life cycle consists of seven stages of development. In the early stages ( Fantasy, Immersion, and Awareness), the family tends to remain divided along biological lines. In the middle stages (Mobilization and Action), the structure of the family begins to unfreeze and shift. In the later stages (Contact and Resolution), the new stepfamily solidifies and healthy step-relationships are formed. On average, stepfamilies make it through the seven stages in about seven years.

Stage One: Fantasy

In the beginning, family members have fantasies about what life will be like in the stepfamily. Usually, their only prior experience is biological family living. Consequently, expectations of what is possible in the early years can be distorted. For the adults in the family, the fantasies can include such thoughts as:

• Their mother never knit for them. Won't they be thrilled with what I can offer.
• I love my new wife, so I'll certainly love her children.
• I'm glad to have a new father for my children.

Children generally want their real parents back together.

Stage Two: Immersion

In this stage, the fantasies begin to be at odds with reality. Simple, everyday things happen that make it seem as if life is coming apart. For example, one spouse who is used to sitting down to regular meals with the children finds that they are married to someone who eats on the run.

For children, loyalty can become an issue. They may feel that loving their stepfather would make them disloyal to their natural father. It's fair to require a child to act civilly toward a stepparent, but it's not fair to expect the child to love the stepparent.

The stepparent can feel like an outsider in the family. It can de difficult to forge a strong couple relationship in the presence of a more intimate, more enduring, and more powerful parent/child relationship. This often leads to strong negative feelings on the part of the stepparent: jealousy, resentment, inadequacy, loneliness. There is a tendency for the stepparent to blame themselves for all this.

Stage Three: Awareness

In this stage, stepfamily members begin to make sense out of what is happening to them. Stepparents begin to understand the source of painful feelings, although they still feel the pain. They often need support to help them abandon the feeling of blaming themselves. The best source of support is an understanding spouse. However, in most cases, one's partner is not a reliable source of support until the Action stage. Therefore, a stepparent should seek support from a support group, from reading, or from a therapist.

The biological parent wants to protect the children from too much additional change, but intimacy with the new spouse requires excluding children and imposing new rules. There may still be work to do in resolving the relationship with the previous spouse, but the new relationship causes pressure to move on. If the ex-spouse relationship is difficult, the biological parent may fear that changes could jeopardize financial support or access to the children. The new spouse may see that hesitance to change as a lack of commitment or caring.

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The information presented on this page is based on material originally written by Patricia Papernow which can be found in Stepfamilies Stepping Ahead, Mala Burt, ed., Lincoln, NE: Stepfamilies Press, 1989. It is used by permission of the Stepfamily Association of America.