The Androids

"Say 17, do you like Gladiator movies?"
Note: This profile references the FUNimation version, because it makes less sense.

Imagine you're Dr. Gero, a man dedicated to destroying the hero and ruling the world and all that other template mad-scientist type crapola. Now then, you've decided that the best way to accomplish this is to build yourself a bunch of Androids, an iffy prospect at best because you remember that your last two robotic inventions were a Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robot and a gigantic pussy, respectively. Well sir, fuck you.

After deciding all of this, Dr. Gero hit upon the brilliant plan of, guess what, building himself some new Androids, and then hiding out in the general population, waiting for Goku, waiting to destroy him when he asks directions of a parking meter or some other ludicrous bullshit action. Unfortunately for Dr. Gero and most of the general viewing population, this doesn't seem to work out. Part of the problem was that his brilliantly camouflaged backup android was a 400-pound French clown wearing golf pants and he himself at that point was basically a brain floating around in a shell, an idea he got when watching DBZ movie 3.

To add to this, instead of getting his robotic shell to be something enticing to Goku, such as a virgin sheep, he decided to make a body that looked like his former, wrinkled, hideous ass. Building his invincible moustache alone took over 10 years and 50 million dollars. Another problem with being that geriatric and crippled-looking was that beating off the people wanting him to do hemorrhoid and adult diaper commercials would have been far more of a challenge than kicking the stupid out of Goku. Shit, Raditz did that and by this point in the series Paur had him chained up in a closet as a source of unwilling rough sex. 19, mere seconds before being kicked all over a soccer field by a bunch of retarded Brazillian children.

So, since he knew he and his obese mimedroid were undetectable, and his entire strategy was to be silent and stealthy, he had two basic choices:
Plan "A": Stealthily fly to the Z Warriors' homes, waiting for a time to strike when they are at their most vulnerable.
Plan "B": Wait until they enter a major city for whatever reason, since you can destroy them and kill millions of people for fun.

Veteran viewers of DBZ will know that Dr. Gero instead decided to go for Plan "C," which was that he repeatedly walk directly into traffic, make rather large explosions and start ramming people's heads through things. Shockingly, this managed to get the attention of the Z Warriors, who by this time knew about Dr. Gero thanks to Bulma, which marked her last moment of usefulness in this program. Apart from spreading her legs, of course.

They decided after several minutes of vague threats to have a big fight in the desert, which is where basically every non-Namek Dragonball and DBZ fight has taken place.. Frankly, I think that they should knock it off before all the millions of cobras and scorpions get tired of getting blown up and take refuge in the cities. Goku turned into a Super Saiyan, an act that surprised Dr Gero because he had stopped monitoring Goku before his first transformation, and an error Piccolo mocked. Listen, I've said this before, if a character in DBZ makes a decision so stupid that other characters, not exactly brain surgeons themselves, make fun of, then that character is a fucking chimpclit who is lucky he doesn't have to remember to breathe.

But despite the fact that Goku became a Super Saiyan, the animation company stretched out the fight with the whining mimedroid, playing the same two animation clips over and over, every so often cutting to a random character expressing guarded optimism, for what seemed like several weeks, all while a repetitive techno remix of clown music played. This of course was very exciting, and had one of the highest grunt-per-second ratios (4.57) found on American TV. After all of this, Goku started losing to the Android, thanks to the fact that he was dipshit who forgot all about his heart virus, and was about to get his cock ripped off until Vegeta showed up, kicked the shit out of the first android, then turned on Dr. Gero, who by this point had developed an acute facial twitch, scared him off as well, then pretty much just made a fool of Goku.

''What do you mean, ' I have a real purty mouth?'''

Dr. Gero then ran off to activate his two, more powerful androids, also which he had not already activated because he was a colossal shit. One was a long-haired raver-fag who wore a bandanna he stole from Freddy from Scooby-Doo, and the other was an advanced-model RealDoll that had come to life in some bizarre experiment. Like the original two androids, these were designed to blend in and not call attention, because as we all know nobody pays attention to hot blondes with supernaturally perky asses. This also brings up the logical error: How in the hell was Frieza able to conquer a large portion of the galaxy when some incompotent scientist with hippy hair can build things 20 times more powerful than he is our of toaster parts and trashcan lids?

Of course, they killed him (this being the first of about 15 times DBZ and DBGT show this sequence,) and escape with Android 16, a big, muscular, full-robot android wearing bright green helicopter rigging who again really shows what a dipshit Dr. Gero was. How could you program an android to be a cold, murderous, calculating sociopath and end up with Gandhi? Twice! Fucking twice! Around this time, Trunks shows up, looks around, slaps his hand over his face, crying about what incompetent retards he's surrounded with. Some of them give chase.

Vegeta has the shit kicked out of him this time, however, and then the androids spend another few very exciting episodes riding around in the back of an ice cream truck. Or maybe those happened in different orders. No matter, we'll be moving over all of this rather quickly, because it sucks. Eventually, thanks to the threat of Cell, Piccolo fuses with Kami, and proceeds to become an incredibly rugged motherfucker who races off to beat up Android 17. Due to some more of that massive incompetence, Cell manages to absorb Android 17 and damage 16. The newly powerful and banana-lipped Cell starts looking for Android 18, which is difficult because as we all know, you can never find batteries when you need them, such as when El Guapo is lonely and his vibrator runs out of juice.*

* "This happens A LOT more then one would think, unfortunately." - Tails

''B-bukkake?? What's...what's that?''

Anyways, Bulma makes a remote control that will shut down Android 18, allowing Krillin to destroy her before Cell can absorb her. However, Krillin, white-boy virgin that he is, falls in love with her. But you have to admire the man's reasoning. On the one hand, she's a vicious, half-robot criminal and potential murderer who's kicked the shit out of his friends. On the other hand, she has a really nice rack. This burst of logic manages to stall Cell for a moment, because was laughing so so hard he nearly drowned in a puddle of his own drool. Krillin manages to punch at Cell for about 10 minutes, then 18 is painfully absorbed, a scene which no doubt got some perma-virgins with rape fetishes hot, and Gandhi-bot taken back for repairs and conversion to Islam. Remember this, because it'll be important in a moment. A lot of stuff happens in this time, but we're concentrating on 16 and frankly, he's as boring as shit so we'll just skip ahead a bit.

At the Cell Games, Goku just threw the fight in order to accomplish the sound parenting tactic of beating the shit out of and then traumatizing your child. The cyber-hippy doesn't think this was a bright move (remember, he had about ahlf his brin blown away mere days earlier), and cannot stand this for any longer So, when Cell is not looking, he latches onto him in order to suicide-bomb him. However, 16 had not counted on Bulma's dipshittery, and so he is destroyed. His severed head, however, convinces Gohan to beat the shit out of Cell. Cell is defeated, 17 is reincarnated and goes off to live in a tiny shack in the mountains, making Anthrax and writing threatening letters to Jews, and 18 begins the real torture, being married to Krillin.

Oh yes, and notice I have the class not to mention that Dr. Gero totally used 18 for free anal.

Favorite Line:
"I have (unrecognisable beeping) and soon (unrecognisable beeping) have all of (something that sounds like "penis alleyway.")-Android 19.

Jesus Mother(unrecognisable beep)ing Christ.