Dende

Dende’s life was going along pretty well until intergalactic boy band Frieza and the Spacequeers came to their planet in search of the Dragonballs. Of course, Frieza’s always looking for balls of some kind, so nobody got worried until they started blowing shit up. This led to a hilarious scene in which, after all of the other Nameks were dead, Krillin informed Dende that they’d "see his family later." As an interesting side note, much later, he suggested they hop in Bulma’s time machine and visit "all those wacky frisbee-head Jews" in Auschwitz, circa 1945.

Despite being a very bit player in the insanity that is DBZ, Dende actually has said the line with the title Coolest Fucking Line EVER. See, as I mentioned, up until about the arrival of Trunks, you weren’t even allowed to say "kill" or "die" in DBZ. So, in the time of the dialogue being said, the editors had some serious sticks up their asses.

What happened was, Dende had just summoned the Namek Dragon, and Krillin and Gohan were stalling, and Vegeta was coming, and Goku was masturbating, and the Dragon was getting impatient, and Dende says-get this-"Hey! Don’t piss off the God of Love!" It kicked ass.

Speaking of masturbation, the vast majority of geeks are too busy doing so to pictures of Oolong to notice how cool that line is. Another thing they haven’t noticed, aside from the fact that they are desperately alone, is that all the Nameks all have names relating to snails, slugs, or goopy vaginal excretions that have somehow came alive. Lord knows what they did this, but a good guess is it would have something to do with binge-drinking artist Akira Toryiama covered completely in semen. Of course, that’s my reason for everytrhing, including sunspots.

To give you even more reason why this is so goddamned cool, for one thing, Bruce Fucking Willis can’t even say "piss off" on NBC at like 9:00 at night during Die Hard. But Dende, a little kid, can say it in the middle of the afternoon with no problem. Another thing is that, up until this time, you couldn’t even say "God." Now, as an atheist, I have no problem with this, but it got ridiculous as Krillin, a fucking Buddhist monk, had to say Christian prayers. And okay, even that wouldn’t be so bad, except that after he was done he purchased a large handgun, gained 200 pounds, and went to an anti-abortion rally eating a large tub of ham.

Dende also has the power to heal, which sounds like it would come in really handy but doesn’t. For example, after Videl got the shit beat out of her, they could have not wasted a senzu bean and just brought Dende down to heal her. But they didn’t, due to the subliminal message of wanting Gohan to "stick something" in her mouth. By the way, this is also why Trunks gave his father that senzu bean.

After a bunch of boring shit involving Dende being Goku's fuckspigot, Kami sacrificed himself for the cause against Cell, Dende got to be the guardian of the Earth, because if you let Mr. Popo run wild he’s just going to become a basketball player or something. So, Dende did Kami’s usual shitty job, but he created a Shenlong dragon that could grant two wishes, which was of course incredibly exciting to the members of the DBZ fasnbase that had shit for brains. This was of course a brilliant idea, because it means that the Z Warriors could fuck up twice as bad, meaning more hilarity for yours truly. Like when there was only one wish a year, you could pretend the reason no one was asking for immortality was because they had no time between nose-picking sessions. But they still continue to show all the intelligence of labrador retrievers, blowing nigh-omnipotent wishes on getting god damn Salad Shooters.