Garlic Jr.

"Hey, Puccino, Whatsa matta fa' you??"

Garlic Jr. is the son of someone who was apparently trying to become the guardian of the Earth during the original Dragon Ball. Her name was Edna. They call him Garlic Jr. because his father was a greasy wop diego. See that Neanderthal brow, olive skin, and freckles? Dead giveaway. Remember this, because it becomes important later.

Ignoring the fact that Garlic Jr. has the least frightening name for a major villain of all time, he also hangs out with a bunch of high school dropouts that serve as his useless lackeys: Mustard, Salt, Vinegar, and Psyobyin, the Spice Boys. Listen, Garlic Jr., If you want to scare people, get the Spice GIRLS, okay? Jesus Christ, Posh Spice could make Cell shit his exoskeleton.

And remember the guy is immortal. Immortal! If I had immortality, I wouldn't hold auditions for Dumbass with the Worst Fashion Sense. I'd go pick fights with Mike Tyson all the time. Yeah, that's right, girly-voice, I'd come for ya. At least with Frieza, you could kind of see why he had lackeys. He traveled around in his weakest form. But Garlic Jr. did not need lackeys. No, wait, I take that back, even as an immortal, he excelled in getting his ass worse than an Asian in a pro wrestling ring.

The plot of the first movie, "The Dead Zone," was that Garlic Jr. got the Dragon Balls, and became immortal after asking the Eternal Dragon. My question is, don't the Z Warriors keep tabs on this sort of thing? When the 7 most precious things in the world go missing, doesn't somebody say "Hey, guys, what happened to Gohan's spine-destroying hat?" Of course not, because Piccolo would go up there, blast the god damn gray midget, and that would be the end of it. And then we'd all have to watch Goku eat. Once becoming immortal, Garlic Jr. had a big master plan, which remains unclear as of press time but we can safely determine it was certainly EVIL.

Garlic Jr., after being beaten to hell by guys who, combined, were about half as strong as he was even before immortality, decided to open up the Dead Zone. (Why not?) Of course, as expected, everything blew up in his face and he got sent into it himself, blah blah blah, fill in your own plot here and the Earth was safe.

Or was it? Yes, because Garlic Jr. is a fucking mouth breather. Nevertheless, he somehow came back, and decided that he was going to try to take over the world again. He thought it was a good idea to get lackeys. Now, Garlic Jr.'s lackeys are criticized for being a bunch of brainless talentless Down Syndrome babies with severe testicle shrinkage and 11 teeth who speak with shitty Southern and English accents. This is of course horribly unfair. The actual total is closer to 14 teeth. But despite their inbreeding, they can get beaten by Krillin. Fucking Krillin. Now, I know that if he was in the real world, Krillin would be the baddest motherfucker ever to walk the planet. But this is DBZ, and some days you think he could be beaten up by that turtle.

Garlic Jr.'s second plan was to release the dreaded "Black Water Mists," which were obviously just really bad bong fumes. Garlic Jr. and his minions would sit around, hitting the pipe and saying shit like "I've GOT it! I'll call myself 'Vinegar.' That'll put the fear into them hehehehe oh , man, I got the munchies."

But I digress. So Garlic Jr. released his bad fumes around the world, causing everyone to go insane. So Garlic Jr. essentially had billions of allies at his every command. And what did he do? HE HELD THE FIGHT WHERE NONE OF THEM COULD HELP HIM. But anyway, Garlic Jr. summoned the Mackio Star, the source of all of his power. After soundly getting his ass kicked, He decided to open up the Dead Zone again. Now think about this, you midget assplug. It didn't work the first time, and now your opponents are like 50 TIMES STRONGER. Well, as you can imagine, Gohan blew up the Mackio Star, Garlic Jr. lost all his power and got sent into the Dead Zone, in an amazing plot twist that no retarded five year old could figure out, so get that out of your head. And good riddance. Do you know how much the average test score would go down if Garlic Jr. ever bred, even once?

It's really fucking sad watching Garlic Jr. fight, because he was being pounded on by Gohan, a weakened Piccolo, and Krillin, and yet he stll forgot that he could use energy until after opening up The Dead Zone. And he has the most riducolus attack ever, the "Belly Blast," seen only in the second movie. I don't mean to give away any insider info, but when Garlic Jr. screamed "Belly Blast!" Piccolo pissed himself with laughter, which is the real reason he couldn't get up.

But we needn't fear. As I stated above, Garlic Jr. is Italian, and everybody knows italians can't do anything right, except for write really fucking funny DBZ pages.

At the end of the second Garlic Jr. saga, after he fucks up by being such a god damn moron, a Saiyan spaceship is seen flying. And I said "Please, no, not Goku. I couldn't deal with Goku right now. The sheer amount of idiocy would kill me." But it turned out to be Vegeta, and that's a story for another day.

Favorite Line:
"Come to Big Daddy Garlic!!"

There are just some things in DBZ that are naturally gay. But god DAMN it, do they really need to ADD gayness? That's just piling on. It's like pissing in Jewish wine. It's bad to begin with, but you're just making it worse, and you asshole.