Goku

Goku is the Forrest Gump of anime. He has no common sense, and fucks up constantly, and yet his fetal alcohol syndrome always seems to help him. Like if he hadn’t been a fucking dumbass and let Radditz go ("Kakarott! I’m your brother! You must love me even though I have been beating the living shit out of you and you’ve never seen me before! We can go on Sally Jesse Rafael!"), then he might not have been killed, which means Vegeta would have come anyway and he wouldn’t have been able to defend the planet because he hadn’t learned anything. See what I mean? It’s convoluted shit like that that makes you just want to scream.

And you also just absolutely want to sob when another, cooler, smarter, character gets to be the stronger than Goku, because Goku’s going to stick his hand up his monkey ass and pull out something that makes himself stronger than they are. This has happened in the cases of: (In order) Trunks, Vegeta, Piccolo, and Gohan. And every time this fucking dipshit gets stronger every time. Every goddamn time. You just want Vegeta to make a Big Bang Ball and blow off his head while he’s asleep. Sure, the Earth might be destroyed by that pastel-colored British sidekick that showed up with every villain until Cell, but in the long run, it would probably balance out.

And speaking of rooting around in asses, Goku’s certainly got his head up his. How does this guy keep a straight face when saying some of his bullshit speeches? Things like "There's no need for such violence!" (IT‘S A MOTHERFUCKING FIGHT!! What the hell do you think Cell‘s going to do, determine whether he’s going to slaughter the entire universe through a decoupage competition? Idiot.) or, right before he lets Vegeta go, "I can't put my feelings aside, even when I fight." (Yeah, great plan, you fucking dipshit. The millions he’ll kill when he recovers won’t kick your ass in the afterlife.) Listen, Goku, we can’t all come back from the dead four times a week, okay? Your goddamn Davey and Goliath morals don’t apply to anybody with a set of testicles.

But the best part about Goku’s morals are the fans of them. They are all apparently missing at least two third of their skulls. Don‘t believe me when I saw that Goku fans are spineless cockmasters? Here‘s a line from DBZ Uncensored, probably the only other funny DBZ page on the web:
"[It's] his just and trusting nature, his ability to inspire all he comes in contact with to greater heights, and his faith and ability to give anyone a second chance, and to turn them from the depths of evil to the furthest heights of honesty and goodness."

Oh my god. According to this jackanape, Goku is the best character in DBZ because of his "just and trusting nature." Listen, there’s this retard I punch in the air hole every day on the way to work, and he has never flinched, but that doesn’t make him a great character, you shithead. More irritating are the fuckspigots who claim that, because he threw his prepubescent son against the most powerful evil in the universe, he had some "great plan" of some kind. Listen, the most brilliant DBZ strategy in history is "Hey, why don’t we send the most powerful guy up against the villain to punch him for a while?!", and somehow Goku manages to fuck that up.

Here’s what you do when you hear this bullshit. Write down the number of people you know who think like this, divide by zero, multiply by pi, and then stuff it up their ass because these people are all fucking insane. Let’s not give these people any leeway.

And, being such a pansy has already fucked him over. He already married the world’s biggest bitch. In the original Dragonball, Chi-Chi was actually kind of hot. I would fuck her if I was two-dimensional and didn’t have this impotence thing. But staying married to Goku has apparently driven her insane, as it would Mother Teresa. And how the hell do they do the nasty? Even if, if the throes of passion, he doesn’t teleport them into deep space, A male orgasm is essentially muscles squeezing. And a guy as powerful as Goku would just sandblast a hole all the way through the bed to the floor.

Because of this, Goku’s rigorous masturbation schedule not only shoots down low-flying planes, it also makes him late to every battle. Goku giving it to Bubbles caused Piccolo, Tien, Yamcha, and Chaotzu to all die, and everybody else horribly beaten. And flying at 50% speed to finish reading that cereal box caused all the major characters to get beaten to pulp on Namek, and taking so goddamn long in the healing chamber cost Dende and Vegeta their lives. Ironically, not spending enough time in the hyperbolic time chamber nearly cost them the world against Cell. Goku, it’d be nice if you just let Vegeta do all the planning from now on, k? This is not a "brilliant battle plan." This is not the kind of shit that should be on the record of the greatest fighter in the universe. This is the kind of strategy you’d expect from a Pac-Man machine that somebody spilled Hawaiian Punch into.

And that’s just the beginning of his paint-chip-induced fuck-ups. Every single time the forces of good were in jeopardy, it can be directly traced back to Goku. He killed his grandfather. He’s the guy that let Doctor Gero go. He’s the guy who didn’t kill Frieza when he had the chance. It just goes on and on. Most prominent in my mind is the time that he had done a number on Cell, causing the android to be at about 1/3 to 1/2 strength, and sent in Gohan. But before Gohan could go in, he...

(Don’t read this if you are on heart medication or are operating a vehicle)

...threw Cell a Senzu bean.

Yes. He gave a Senzu bean to the genocidal android monster.

And yes, I was screaming "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING??" And I wasn’t alone. Even Yamcha said "But...but...that’s Cell up there. Who really cares about being fair?" Now keep in mind that Goku is like 10,000 times more powerful than Yamcha. If a character in YOUR SHOW, who you could no doubt vaporize by spitting, calls you a fucking idiot, you better stand up and take notice, you stupid monkey motherfucker. And because of this, Android 16 died, everyone, including himself, were nearly beaten to death by the Cell Jr.’s, his son was nearly killed by Cell, Cell killed King Kai, Bubbles, Goku, and Gregory by blowing up King Kai‘s planet even when Goku obviously had plenty of time to teleport them away, (instead he made a motherfucking speech), Cell got twice as powerful, Trunks died, Gohan got his arm broken, and Cell got the instant transmission technique he needed to destroy the entire universe. Yeah, thanks Goku. I have an idea, man. How about you just blow up the planet and save the villains the fucking trouble, you...you...Jesus, I can’t think of any more insults for stupidity. The firey bastard has even taken that from me.

We here at Goats love the Great Saiyaman Saga, even though Gohan turns goofier than a Special Olympics basketball game, for one simple reason: Less Goku. He doesn’t show up for 7 1/2 episodes. That way, you get all the fun of DBZ without Goku’s inbredism. But of course, he comes back from the dead, for reasons that are still unknown, but craniologists attribute it to swelling of the "Dumbass lobe" in Akira Toryiama’s brain. Of course, this manifested in Goku surpassing (and in some cases, beating up) the more intelligent members of the series one last time, until he finished off the supervillain with -get this- a spirit bomb. God damn, I did not see that coming.

One questions if Goku really did get amnesia when he hit his head. I’m not stating that he has been subconsciously trying to destroy the world, simply that the Saiyans sent their most powerful and most mentally deficient member to be a "hero" for a planet. No one would ever know.

And another thing: He‘s always dying. Against guys like Cell this is understandable, but Goku can’t even pinch a loaf without giving a big speech about responsibility and blowing up like a Southern woman after marriage.

Maybe the censors kept him in there because he gave the moral message, as opposed to characters like Vegeta, Trunks, Cell, and Piccolo, who were just "entertaining" and "intelligent" and all that unnecessary bullshit. Maybe he was there to keep kid from imitating the fighting. Now listen to me, when your children start flying around and firing plasma at each other, you’ve got bigger fucking problems than what they’re watching on TV.

In conclusion, there’s no reason for someone this godlike and powerful to this stupid. Give Vegeta, Trunks, Gohan, Piccolo, or even that blanket stereotype, Mr. Popo, the series for a while. There is NO WAY they could fuck it up worse.

Favorite Line:
"Besides, we can’t go after Dr. Gero because he hasn’t done anything wrong yet."