Kami

Kami is the guardian of the Earth, which sounds like a hard job, so people are always asking, why’s he so jovial and such. And the answer is, he can see everything. Like God, only like, perverted and shit. Think about what you would do with power like that. You wouldn’t use it to stop fighting in the Middle East. Those ass-wiping towelheads can just turn that whole area into one glass bong for all you care. You’d watch Jennifer Lopez sunbathing, okay, motherfuckers. Don’t say you wouldn’t unless you’re a Mormon, in which case you’re legally required to ram your genitals into farm machinery at birth.

So anyway, that has to be the only explanation as to why Kami never actually, you know, guards the Earth. He just sits there, grabbing his shrunken, decrepit old mummy cock while watching Britney Spears in the shower, and allows jackmasters like Goku to save the world. It’s a great scam, and I want in, you green bastard.

Kami came to Earth in a spaceship that was launched from Planet Namek when a drought swept the planet. The Namekians, after finding out that their mighty, all-powerful omnipotent eternal dragon to couldn't stick some motherfucking hydrogen and oxygen together, the Namekians fired Kami at the planet Earth, narrowly missing Goku, Superman, Space Moose, and roughly 500 other aliens waiting for landing clearance.

''Do you like sucking my dick, Mr. Popo? Or should I say 'Mr. BITCH?'''

Kami originally got to be the Guardian because, thanks to Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, the original guardian had to get his thing looked at by a doctor. Thus, Kami, who normally shows all of the shrewdness and intelligence of a pile of elephant shit, decided he should take over, and the people in charge of this thing (some sweaty geeks who play Dungeons and Dragons all the time) agreed. They did so on the grounds that, if you can’t trust your entire planet’s future to some insane wrinkly xenophobic drool-emitting perverted green alien slug dictator, who should you trust it to?

So, Kami went up to becomes the Guardian, but first, he had to expunge his evil nature. Deciding the most disgusting way possible was to throw up an egg the size of a watermelon like some coke-addicted bulimic French supermodel ("Here we see Kami, wearing the latest in white robes from Versace! Go, girl!"), which gave birth to Piccolo. Now, seeing an egg get produced the normal way is pretty fucked up. It's like a chicken is shitting an cue ball. (By the way, watch it in reverse on a tape when you’re high. It reconsititues, jumps into the air, and embeds itself in the chicken's ass.) But there’s just a special kind of unadulterated brilliant insanity that makes someone want to unhinge their jaw like a retarded prison gangbang victim and cough up a...huge slimy basketball. This whole sequence caused Krillin to blow his wad, which is what really happened to the moon that first time.

Anyway, Kami went up to his lookout, completely isolated, in 1834. He decided he needed an assistant to water his plants, rebuild the lookout as necessary, and fuck him up the ass every so often. So, he went on down to the local auction, and bought hisself a negro! Yee-haw! Unfortunately, this particular slave was insane, constantly dressing up in Indian clothes, which Kami tolerated only because his ass tasted like honey. He gave him the name Mr. Popo, because he once met an organ-grinder monkey by that name.

After a short interlude of blasting that goddamn spook-lover Abe Lincoln in the back of the head in Ford’s theater, he hung out for a while in his lookout, meeting Goku, beating the shit out of Goku, lecturing Goku, and throwing his retarded ass off the lookout, and lecturing him some more, causing irreversible brain damage. Sometimes the other characters would berate Kami for having a slave, to which Kami would respond that it wasn't so bad, that Popo was actually happy, the proof being that sometimes he would jangle his chains in a rhythmic fashion. Kami also tried out for the part in those KFC commercials, but was rejected because Popo kept eating all the fried chicken.

So, the Saiyans arrived, and Kami did jack shit to help. Seriously. The only thing that motherfucker does during the whole fight for the planet he is supposed to be protecting is disappear when Piccolo dies. Maybe he was too busy hitting Popo with a large piece of wood for fucking his daughter, Jessie Bell-san.

But Piccolo was restored, and Kami came back, only to be met by Garlic Jr., who showed up for the first time to show what a complete imbecile he was, also to get the privilege of seeing Halle Berry in hot tubs. After being outsmarted by Goku, Goku, Garlic Jr. was defeated. Kami, of course was nearly beaten to death, and the lookout was destroyed, after which Popo was left to rebuild it, which of course he was thrilled to do, but only because Kami was holding a large whip, and he was out of the sweet sweet crack.

So, they hung around for a while, until Garlic Jr. came back, wanting to become the guardian of the Earth again. God alone knows why he did this, as creepy grey guys can get porn too, but I like to think it was because he wanted a taste of that sweet Popo ass. So, after being put into a bottle, Kami was released by Piccolo minutes later, and then decided to go down to the center of his lookout, where the 7 Air Currents are, to disperse the Sacred Water to stop Garlic Jr.’s brilliant and of course evil plan of turning hobos into mad dog killers that beat cars with sticks. If this sounds complicated and insane, the Japanese government's official position is that you are not reading enough child pornography.

During this time, it got really unsettling, because it was obvious that Kami just beat Popo because he loved him, or Popo had extensive brain damage, because they went down there together, when Popo could have gotten his freedom. Maybe he didn’t get welfare checks anywhere else. So Kami and Popo ran around like idiots, fighting the old guardians, who looked like a combination of farts and bad meth smoke, which might explain why they were prissier than a fag at Victoria‘s Secret. Kami accomplished his goal, but was nearly tortured to death by the old guardians. But they pardoned him, after which Popo said "This issa great honna Kami. They’s fogiven you, massa." To which he responded, "Yeah, well, I haven’t not forgiven THEM! Yee-haw!" Jesus Christ, guys, I thought you were just being tightasses, but I changed my mind. Yeah, anybody so stupid as to mouth off to a bunch of sociopath ghosts who have been blasting him for a good couple of hours is lucky his fucking autonomic nervous system remembers to breathe for his stupid ass.

But Kami survived, and did whatever the hell it is he does, until Cell came, and started his evil practice of working for black equality or at least towards artists not drawing them with lips like casaba melons. This enraged Kami so much that he decided he needed to "fuse" with Piccolo, making Piccolo a lot stronger, and also caused Mr. Popo to have the joy of being fucked twice as hard. So everyone's happy.

Really? Then why the fuck do all the characters waste their time running all over the entire world looking for Dragonballs to grant a wish when they could just beat the shit out of you and make you do it?