Piccolo

Gohannnnn!!!

You ever watch the old Superfriends cartoon? With like Batman and Robin, and it's obvious that they're big freaky anal lovers? Well, that's creepy enough, but it's nothing compared to Piccolo. Batman and Robin are both just freaks that dress up in Halloween costumes. Piccolo and Gohan are bizarre aliens. But more on that in a second.

The main thing I don't like about Piccolo is his design. What are those antennae for? Seriously. I've never seen him use them for anything. Do they even have a function, and if so, what? Does he get CNN? In the middle of a big speech, is he like, "You can run if you want, but I'm going to fight these androi-CUBS WIN!! CUBS WIN!! YES, 50 dollars! Woo hoo!"

Piccolo was, until the very end of DB, an evil villain. So of course no one had a problem with him going out wit his archenemy's son into the woods. Now, I don't claim to have any background in law enforcement, but when creepy evil guys take little boys into the woods, it's usually not for purposes of training, unless you mean training him for his guest stint on Oprah.

But maybe there's a reason Piccolo is so evil. You remember Planet Namek? You remember seeing any female Namekians? No? Well, let me tell you something. If you were never, ever, ever, going to get laid, you'd be evil too. That's what happened to El Guapo. And as for you, Sparky, going to your Message Boards and Star Trek conventions, well you sir are Hitler.

But, on the other hand, according to our sources, Piccolo and the other Nameks aren't really males, they're all "asexual" which means to replicate, they just spit up eggs. Think about how cool that'd be. Even Madonna can't do that. Somebody'd say "go fuck yourself," and you'd say, "Okay," and then maybe have a cigarette and brag to all your friends about how you scored, pointing to yourself. And all your friends are anything like mine, they'd say "Damn, I've been trying to get him for MONTHS!"

But then, following this, he really isn't a "Mr." as in "Mr. Piccolo." See, what happened was, the cock-filled wonders over at wherever the hell was censoring DBZ the first two seasons didn't think "Piccolo-san" sounded American enough, so they changed it to "Mr. Piccolo," which sounds like the stage name of about half the guys at the gay strip club downtown. We should consider ourselves lucky. With how fucking bad Japanese translates into English, we could hear him being called "The Super Awesome Mega Green Happy Happy Music Instrument Guy!!"

But there's another reason Piccolo could be evil, because, as Parallax pointed out, if Frieza hadn't been such a shithead and actually succeeded in destroying all the Saiyans, Piccolo would be the strongest fighter in the universe. That shit has to drag on you. When Piccolo sees Vegeta screw up because of his arrogance, or Gohan acting like a retard, or Goku just being Goku, he's gotta think "Why, God, why?" And he can't even do anything about it, because he's like Goku's puppy now, if for no other reason that he urinates everywhere.

There's one more thing. Remember when Gohan was becoming a giant weremonkey, and Piccolo had to blow up the moon to stop him ? Well, it worked, and Gohan went back. I mean, things such as "destruction of solar orbit," "worldwide flooding", "mass extinction," and "end of tidal system" are nothing compared to one night of destruction in the fucking wilderness by a retarded ape. Thanks, Piccolo.

Favorite Line:

"He doesn't thirst for battle and mayhem! He's not a fighter, like you, Goku! Do you want to know what he's thinking? He's not thinking about strength, or competition! He's wondering why his father is standing there, letting him die!!"

Here's the reason why Piccolo is such a cool character, in a nutshell. He's smart, and, aside from Vegeta, he's the only one to really, truly realize what a fucking retard Goku is. And by the way, Goku, how embarrassing is it that an alien slug knows your own son better than you do?