Vegeta

Vegeta is a cool character. In all of DBZ, he's the only main hero with some fucking nuts during the first three seasons. While Goku is off giving a fucking public service announcement about keeping underage kids away from licking toads or whatever the hell it is he does, and Gohan was whining about a skinned knee, and Krillin was off shaving his head 8 times a day and worshipping goats, or someone was chasing a fucking monkey on some godforsaken hunk of rock manned by a fag, Vegeta was KILLING ENEMIES. Also he bitch-slapped Goku like the queen he is, TWICE.

Now then, for all those of you who are sexless geeks with shitty parents and unbalanced psyches, let me state that "Killing is NOT cool, dude." You should...probably not slaughter your classmates because Vegeta once stepped on some blue alien's neck. But on the other hand, if you see Dodoria blowing shit up, my feeling is get enough weaponry to make Dirty harry look like a pacifist Amish, and get medieval on that transvestite's ass. It's in the constitution, specifically the Second Amendment, which states that "Congress shall maketh no law prohibiting people from grabbing ye old bazooka and blastingeth fat pink fags from outer space."

But Vegeta is still the shit. No one else actually kills enemies, except for Trunks, but he had his title stripped away due to steroid abuse. Thus, Vegeta is the only one. Which is too bad, because that means he'll never be the main character. Not necessarily because Toryiama likes mincing pansies to be the main characters, but because if Vegeta was as strong as Goku, the fights would be half as long. Maybe. Like if Vegeta were holding Raditz's tail, bam, that motherfucker would be history. Or if Vegeta went Super Saiyan first, the Frieza battle would have lasted maybe two episodes, because he wouldn't stand around like an idiot and wait or Frieza to reach his full power. But what really pisses me off about all of this shit is the Cell saga. Near the end, after Cell came back, and killed Trunks, Vegeta went nuts and attacked, right? And, in typical bullshit fashion, he was easily defeated.

Why are you doing this shit to me? Why? Gohan had no real reason to be the one that defeated Cell. Yeah, Cell killed his dad, but that was only because his dad was a fucking mouth breather. Why not pull out some of that Japanese honor and have Vegeta beat Cell, huh? To find out, I went to the world's #1 dipshit comment generator, the Planet Namek message boards. They didn't let me down:

The fact that this man sounds like he was speaking with his mouth full of cock belies his wisdom. It doesn't matter if character is cool. Goku proved that. No no, as this man pointed out in his brilliant thesis above, it's only about arbitrary decisions about who's on top.

But there's another cool thing about Vegeta. He's the only smart villain aside from Cell. When Vegeta was the main villain, he didn't talk like a boy-hungry transvestite. He wasn't a limey alien bastard or a huge fat pink guy with a cock on his head. No no, he was cool, Samurai looking, and intelligent. Obviously they couldn't allow this, so they had to make a lot of cuts.

And to understand what I mean by "cuts," let's take an example from something all you geeks know about, umm...Dungeons and Dragons! Yes! Okay, let's say that you're playing D&D, and someone says that during the game, you can't cry, masturbate, or do both at the same time. Think about how awful that would be. Well it could be worse. You could be Vegeta. Vegeta was supposed to be the biggest badass in the universe at one time, and the cuts completely fucked it up.

Like when Nappa fired an energy blast, and blew up a whole city, and Vegeta had to say, "Too bad that city was evacuated." Oh, fuck you, FUNimation. It was not evacuated. We saw people directly underneath it. They were looking at it! Yes. And, unless they were faster than my mom, they got fried, you stupid shits. And Saban, I know where your mother works. No, seriously. The library. Don't pull this shit again.

Speaking of threatening mothers, Vegeta was supposed to be one. He was the ultimate soldier. So do you know how pissed off he must be all the time? Think about it. 95% of the time, he's weaker than Goku. Fucking Goku, the Man of A Thousand Brain Cells. Do you know how much that would piss you off? It's like being in math class and getting a lower score than the retarded kid with the unibrow. But Vegeta actually takes it very well. Whereas you might just might try to punch the retarded kid in the back of the head at the drinking fountain without getting his blood all over myself...Vegeta just simply trains to be better. That's all he ever does, except for fuck Bulma, which he doesn't do enough. He's got this really hot chick that's like, really, really easy, and she could say "I want your hot Saiyan cock inside me," and he'd say "No! Must train harder!" And at that point, she'd call him gay and go have a baby Charles Manson.

But, as stated above, even this alien idiocy hasn't been enough to stop him from being really fucking cool. At the end of the Cell saga, the major villain-killing totals are:
Vegeta- 8
Trunks- 2 (5 if you count "Free the Future")
Piccolo-1
Gohan- 1
Goku- -45 (because of all the times he let villains get away)
So, as you can see, Vegeta is till on top, in terms of not being afraid of killing stupid shithead enemies. I know it may no sound too great killing Kooie or Dodoria, but that's only because you CAN'T, pansy.

But, as mentioned before, Vegeta is a Saiyan, and Saiyans have some really fucked up genes, man. Like, for example, they turn into giant monkeys at the light of the full moon. I know this is just an explanation for the creation of Goku's ability by the LSD-abusing child predator Akira Toryiama as an excuse for his bizarre fetish, but let's look at it from a scientific perspective. What kind of fucked up evolutionary requirements would be necessary for someone to turn into a 100-foot tall monkey? Darwin's head would like fucking explode. Which would be really cool to watch while wearing a tarp.

There was a point in time that Vegeta was actually the strongest fighter in the world, right after going Super Saiyan. Of course, the writers couldn't allow THAT. No sireee Bob. You start giving a cool character the title role, and pretty soon you're on a slippery slope towards subplots and allegory and...ugh...variation in plots. Thank God Goku soon overcame him and Piccolo, otherwise this show would have turned into a discussion on Chaucer, but instead we have the opportunity to see Goku say something retarded and then hear "Bo-ing!"