Author's note: This was my very first ST story. It's not particularly good, but I feel some affection for my first born.
At His Side
Part 1
Spock sat at his captain's side as he had sat countless times before, apparently motionless, apparently emotionless. He focused on the panel above the biobed, as it gave mechanical indications of the frail life that lay below. Without conscious thought, the first officer observed that oxygenation was improving. The blood chemistries were finally at levels that might, under other circumstances, give comfort. Unable to keep his eyes from the figure on the bed, he watched the chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm. That rhythm helped him to ignore the machines that forced the muscles to contract and expand, simulating breath. As long as he didn't look into the piercing blue eyes across the bed from him, as long as the gleam of unshed tears in those eyes could be disregarded, he could go on pretending. He could pretend that it was not the Sickbay machinery that supported the captain's life. He could pretend that yet again Jim would beat the odds; cheat death one more time. But, he knew at the very core of his being that this time it was not to be. This time he had not been at his captain's side. And, he knew that he would never be able to forgive himself.
"Spock, get some rest. " He ignored the gruff voice of the doctor, from across the bed.
"Spock, when Jim regains consciousness he'll need you to be functional. You haven't moved in hours. You won't do him any good by wearing yourself out, sitting here"
"Doctor," he replied, "The same might be said for you, and you are not a Vulcan, but merely human".
He chose to be deliberately provocative, hoping that McCoy might loose his already frayed temper and storm out. This tactic was often effective, however, this time the doctor was simply too distracted by his patient to rise to the bait. McCoy refused to consider the possibility that this time he couldn't save his friend; that all the skill and all the knowledge in his hands and heart might not be enough. The doctor's unwillingness to face the truth was more than Spock could bear. He needed McCoy to leave. He desperately needed to be alone with the captain, to have whatever time was left for them. He had to understand what had happened and what it would mean to his life. He had to try to come to grips with the knowledge that he had failed James Kirk, the one being in the universe that he truly and completely loved.
Yes, loved. He was not ashamed to use that word and that alone gave him pause. Spock, whose iron control had been won at the price of so much childhood pain, could admit to himself that he felt deeply for this human. He was so changed from the Vulcan who first served under Captain Pike. And, James T. Kirk, clinging to life on the bed beside him, was the reason.
McCoy stretched stiffly and rose from his position across the biobed from Spock.
"I know you didn't mean what you just said Spock, but remember, Jim's my friend, too. Don't shut me out. We need each other now and he'd want to know that we aren't at each other's throats. Please Spock... listen to me"
"Doctor, may I remind you that with the captain... incapacitated, I am in command. If I have to order you to leave me alone, I will"
"All right Spock. I'll leave you with Jim for a little while, but you've got to get some rest soon. This is a strain on all of us and it's only just beginning. We need to keep strong for Jim and the ship..."
"Thank you Doctor. I shall indeed rest, when I am done here."
Spock heard the swish of the doors closing behind the doctor. He had not raised his eyes from his injured friend during his conversation with McCoy. Now, suddenly, he had to look away. The pale, drawn face, the closed eyes, were too vulnerable, too fragile. That was truly a condition his captain would detest. He tried to visualize that other face, golden, full of light and life. That face had inspired him and befriended him and helped him to feel comfortable in his own skin for the first time in his life.
When had that happened? When had his estimation of this most human of beings changed? He had certainly not held a high opinion of the captain when they first began their service together. Spock had thought him brash and arrogant and too headstrong to be an effective leader. He had been so different from the controlled and cerebral Captain Pike. Spock had been uncertain that he would ever be able to work with Captain Kirk. Yet, without conscious notice of the fact, that opinion had changed? How had that happened?
Did it begin as Spock observed the way the captain so gracefully accepted defeat in their chess games? Spock, who had for years only played against the computer, had been reluctant to engage his new, young captain in chess. He had been so certain of an easy victory the first time they played that he had completely underestimated his opponent. Kirk had, with a final unorthodox charge, utterly defeated the astonished first officer. Of course, in subsequent games, Spock had been victor more often than vanquished. And Jim.... Jim had shown him grace and good humor in defeat as well as in victory. He had taught Spock the pleasure in the doing, not just the winning. The Vulcan had certainly begun to look at his captain differently as they played chess together. But, that was not it. That was not when this human became so essential a part of his being.
Spock thought of Edith Keeler. She had sensed his place.
"You Spock, at Jim Kirk's side ... it's as if you have always been there and always will."
In spite of all the remembered pain of that time, Spock knew that the captain had seized on that intuitive comment and taken comfort from it. Ironic, thought Spock. Here I am at his side again. Not at all what Miss Keeler meant. Too much death, too much anguish, too much pain for his friend to bear. And yet Jim had carried on, putting his ship and his duty ahead of his feelings. He made sure that Spock felt no responsibility for urging the captain to allow Edith Keeler's death. He comforted a remorseful McCoy, who had to be convinced that it was not his carelessness that caused his friend so much grief. The captain's graceful denial of his own pain allowed his friends to heal. But, that was still not the moment when the logical, controlled Vulcan dedicated his life to standing at the side of the very human Captain Kirk. He tried to remember, but his concentration was erratic at best....
When had he begun to feel so comfortable at the captain's side? It had certainly not been on their first landing party together. Spock thought back to their first beam out. He had strenuously argued that the captain's place was on the bridge, not beaming into a brutal firefight with a Klingon assault team. Jim has smiled at his first officer's insistence and said, "I can't ask my men to go where I wouldn't go myself, now can I?"
Spock had been speechless at the illogic of the statement and the captain had mistaken this for agreement. In an instant, they had beamed down to the planet. Kirk had not hesitated to place himself in terrible danger to protect his crew. Against all odds, he had defeated the Klingons, and returned everyone safely to the ship. Whispers of his actions had reverberated around the Enterprise and so began the crew's willingness to follow their captain wherever he might lead.
Spock had not reacted so favorably. He made his report and quietly filed a request for transfer. Perhaps things began to change later that evening when Jim came to his cabin unannounced, rueful smile on his face, and apologized for his actions. He promised to listen to his first officer the next time, a promise both knew would be broken.
No, that wasn't it. Spock had been too perplexed, too unused to having his feelings considered to forgive the captain. He had agreed to table his resignation temporarily. In fact, it was still on file. But that was not when this human became his brother. No, more than brother, thought Spock, truly t'hy'la, that rarest of Vulcan relationships.
A slight movement from the figure in the bed interrupted his reverie. Those golden eyes opened, unfocussed and confused. Spock! The Vulcan heard the cry in his head. Suddenly, alarms sounded, lights flashed and he was elbowed out of the way by a ferocious blue blur.
"Get out of here, Spock. Get out of here now. He's destabilizing and I have to figure out why. I have to find what's caused Jim's body to shut down like this. Go to your quarters. Scotty's got the conn and you can come back if anything...."
McCoy's voice stopped, not daring to go on, to put into words what suddenly seemed like a very real possibility. Spock looked once again at the figure in the bed, brushed his captain's arm with the lightest of touches and turned and left Sickbay.
"I hope there's someone for him to come back to," McCoy muttered softly, "for all our sakes."
Spock had no idea how he got to his cabin. He neither saw nor heard the glances and whispers of the crew as he passed through the corridors of the captain's ship. They all understood what he must be going through. The crew shared his reaction. Kirk inspired the kind of loyalty and affection that many aspired to and few attained. His bravery and brilliance were a part of it, but more, it was his kindness, his readiness to apologize for slights, real or imagined, and his unwillingness to surrender any member of his crew to death, that inspired the Enterprise crew to lay their lives down for him. There were some in Starfleet who thought this kind of loyalty unseemly. But, they had not served on this ship with this captain.
In the familiar surroundings of his quarters the first officer attempted to reinforce his control. "I must meditate." Spock spoke out loud. "I must clear my mind if I am to function effectively." But even as he said the words, he knew that meditation was not possible. The events of the day, so ruthlessly suppressed in Sickbay, threatened to overcome him. He had not cried since he was a very small boy, but the warm stream that flowed down his face felt strangely comforting. This most human of gestures seemed appropriate to honor this most human of men.
Unbidden, his thoughts returned to the question that he had been considering. After that first landing party, Kirk had remained docilely on board the Enterprise for a few weeks. Spock said no more about resignations, and life aboard ship settled into a rhythm. When had the captain crept into his soul? When has it become essential for the Vulcan to be at his side?
Suddenly his thoughts were jolted back to the present. Spock heard the faint echo of Jim's voice in his head. Spock, help me. He strained to answer but when his mind reached out he found only darkness, emptiness. Alarmed, he reached to contact the doctor, but realized that he might only distract him at his work. McCoy would call him when there was something to tell him. Besides, Spock was reluctant to speak of the link he shared with Kirk, especially with McCoy, who seemed uneasy about Spock's telepathy. The captain had never really spoken of it either. Had Jim been uncomfortable sharing his mind with the Vulcan? Spock found himself unwilling to move his thoughts in that direction. Instead, he focused on the captain's call. Memories of his first meld with Jim began to surface.
Of course, how could I not have seen it? That's when it all changed. That's when our lives became inextricably bound together. We never spoke of it, so I did not recognize it as a significant event. Spock cast his mind back to that painful time.
It was on the planet Testaf IV, a colony planet near the Neutral Zone. The landing party, including the captain, had beamed down to investigate a string of puzzling accidents that had plagued the colony's power plant. The Administrator had been of the opinion that they were not accidents, but sabotage. Starfleet was unwilling to overlook any possibility so near the Neutral Zone, and sent the Enterprise to investigate.
Again, Spock had tried to persuade the captain to stay on the bridge, but Kirk simply refused to listen. He had insisted that the colonists needed the reassurance that their problems were being taken seriously by Starfleet. If the captain was afraid to beam down to the planet, he had said with a laugh, how would it look? So, once again they had beamed into disaster.
Spock could hear the explosions again, and feel the debris as if it still rained down on them. He could see the captain push him out of the way of a large metal beam as it fell from the ceiling of the power plant. He heard again the sickening crunch as the girder collided with the captain's skull. Slowly, carefully, Spock eased his unconscious captain to the ground. Kirk barely seemed to be breathing and a thin stream of blood seeped from the corner of his mouth and his left ear. Spock grabbed for his communicator and called for an emergency medical beam up.
As they materialized in the transporter room the doctor elbowed him out of the way, and ran his scanner over the captain's body.
"He's got a skull fracture and there's a buildup of fluid putting pressure on the brain." hissed McCoy. "There may be brain damage. What a mess."
"Can you help him, Doctor?" asked Spock, not sure whether to be angry or afraid for his reckless captain.
"Get out of my way so we can get him to Sickbay," replied McCoy. Without another word, Spock turned and left for the bridge.
A subdued bridge crew hardly dared look at their dusty and bruised first officer. Since he chose not to speak of what had happened on the planet below, they did not question him. The silence on the bridge was oppressive. Time crept by with agonizing slowness. Finally unable to bear the tension, Lieutenant Uhura crossed over to the center chair and softly asked,
"What happened, Mr. Spock?"
Spock paused, considering his words, when the doctor's voice crackled over the intercom.
"Spock, get down here right now."
Uhura's face fell and her hands began to tremble as Spock said, "You have the conn, Lieutenant, " and bolted into the turbolift.
He sped into Sickbay and found the doctor standing over the captain's biobed looking grim.
"He's not responding, Spock, and nothing I do seems to help," groaned McCoy. "I've operated and that has eased the pressure, but he needs to regain consciousness, and soon. With this type of injury, sometimes they just slip away. If you speak to him about the mission, the ship, maybe he'll respond."
" I will try to reach him Doctor," Spock replied.
"Do what you can Spock. I want to recheck the computer scans. Maybe, I missed something."
Spock nodded as the doctor left the room. He sat quietly beside the unconscious figure in the bed, unsure of how to proceed. He could see by the readings on the panel above the biobed that Kirk's hold on life was fading. No wonder the doctor sounded so disturbed. Without conscious thought, he reached out his hands to his captain's face, thinking only of finding a way to reach out to him, to lend him strength. My mind to your mind... my thoughts to your thoughts...Captain, it is Spock, reach out to me.
Spock! He could feel the pleasure, the warmth, as their minds touched. No fear, no recoil. How unusual for a human to accept this mindtouch so readily, but then, Spock was beginning to realize how unusual this human was. Spock, I'm so tired and it's so dark. I don't know how to get back. Can you help me? No hesitation at the alien touch. In fact, Spock could find no indication of any reservations about this invasion. Just pleasure at his first officer's appearance and gratitude for the help. Could this human really welcome the half Vulcan so completely? For the first time in his life, Spock experienced unconditional acceptance. Neither at home on Vulcan, nor with his mother's people on Earth, had Spock ever felt that he had belonged. Only here, with this most mystifying of humans did he find what he had never before realized that he needed. Like water in the desert, Kirk's easy friendship nourished a part of Spock he had never before examined. He held out his mind to his captain and gently drew him towards the light.
"Spock, what did you do?" asked McCoy. "I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own eyes. He's coming out of it."
"It's rather difficult to explain, Doctor, but I believe the captain will recover. I shall return to my duties now." Without further explanation, Spock turned and left Sickbay without a glance backward.
"Of all the unfeeling, cold, hard hearted things I have ever seen...." sputtered McCoy; completely unaware of the link between the captain and his first officer that had sustained Jim's fragile grip on life.
It was something they never spoke of to each other or to anyone else, but both captain and first officer were aware that they had shared a bond that few were fortunate enough to experience. Kirk seemed strangely reticent about the incident and Spock, exquisitely sensitive to the Captain's privacy, was content to simply let it remain an unspoken covenant of friendship. As Spock reflected on that time, he was sure that was the moment when he decided that Kirk was the one being in the Universe whom he would follow without question, at whose side he belonged. And he had remained at his side, until today.
Part 2
The day had begun like so many others. Spock had arrived on the bridge early, only to find Kirk already there, drinking coffee in the center seat, reading fuel consumption reports and scanning the forward view screen. The first officer paused briefly to say good morning and positioned himself at the science station. The Enterprise was on a mapping mission in a sector of space that had never been charted. It was the kind of assignment that the Enterprise did so well. The scientific work was important and there was always, at the back of everyone's mind, the possibility of a new discovery, perhaps even a first contact. It was what they had joined Starfleet to do.
Just as Spock was reflecting that the possibility of such an occurrence was remote, Mr. Sulu exclaimed, "Captain, there's a shadow on the sensors. It could be a ship, but if it is, I don't recognize it."
Kirk stood up quickly and leaned over Sulu's shoulder.
"I see it. Report, Mr. Spock."
"A single ship of unknown origins, matching no known configuration. The computer estimates it is roughly equivalent in mass to the Enterprise. It is traveling at warp factor 4, approaching on intercept course, bearing 145 degrees. Estimated time to intercept 27.36 minutes."
"Can you scan it from here, Spock?"
"Negative, Captain." he replied. "There is some unidentified energy reading coming from the alien vessel that is preventing our sensors from functioning at optimum."
"Opinion, Spock? Is that a hostile gesture? A weapon?"
"Difficult to say for certain Captain, but I do not think so. It is too mathematically precise. Rather, I think it is a product of the nature of the unknown materials used in the construction of the alien vessel."
"Your opinion is good enough for me, Spock. Hail the ship, Lieutenant Uhura. Standard greetings on all channels." Kirk tried to keep the excitement out of his voice and failed miserably.
Uhura smiled to herself as she replied, "Aye sir. Hailing on all frequencies." She couldn't resist the thought that he was like a little boy with a present. He just couldn't wait to unwrap it.
"We are receiving a response, Captain. Audio only. That energy signal is interfering with the video sensors."
"Please, Lieutenant, go ahead," Kirk leaned further forward as if to hurry the contact.
"This is the Priathen vessel, Mynon, answering the hail of the USS starship Enterprise. We too are on a peaceful mission of exploration and would like to exchange information with you. Would that be acceptable?" The ship's translation program labored to render the alien's language precisely.
"Priathen vessel, Mynon, this is Captain James T. Kirk of the Enterprise. That would be more than acceptable. Would you care to come aboard?"
"Captain Kirk, thank you for your kind offer. We offer you the same. Please be welcome to visit our vessel."
Spock looked sharply at the captain. This was just the kind of offer Kirk could not resist and just the kind of situation that could lead to disaster.
"Captain, it is my recommendation that I should lead the landing party as we have no visuals of the Priathen ship's interior, our sensors are not operating at capacity, and I can not guarantee your safety."
"Spock, Spock," said Kirk with a grin. "If I need guarantees then I'm in the wrong line of work."
Just as he uttered those words, Dr. McCoy stepped onto the bridge. "For once, listen to him, Jim. You can't beam onto an unknown ship with no information about what you'll find. It's too dangerous."
Kirk looked at the doctor and nodded. "Priathen vessel, this is Captain Kirk. Will you send us the data on the Mynon's atmosphere so that we can determine that your ship's environment is suitable for us?"
"Of course, Captain Kirk. Data transmitting."
Spock scanned the data as thoroughly as he could. "Everything seems suitable, Captain. Oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere, pressure adequate for humanoid life, no signs of toxicity. However, I must again recommend against your beaming into an unknown environment."
"But that's why we're out here. I have a good feeling about this Spock."
Spock could hear McCoy's groan of protest coming from behind the Captain's chair. "Jim, this is reckless..."
Spock raised an eyebrow at the doctor and said, "Perhaps the doctor is right, Captain. "
McCoy shot at look at the first officer and muttered something about never thinking he'd live to see the day Spock agreed with him. He was still mumbling about not wanting to patch up the consequences of yet another risky beam-out when Kirk grinned and said, "All right, if it will make you happy Bones, we'll both go. Spock, join me in the transporter room in five minutes. Sulu, you have the conn."
"Captain, I must remind you of Starfleet Regulation 16534B which clearly states that in cases of first contact, both the captain and the first officer may not leave the ship at the same time."
"You're right Spock. You stay, I'll go."
Spock's eyebrow rose so high that it practically vanished.
"That is not what I intended in reminding you of the regulation, sir."
Kirk grinned and said, "I know, but I'm not missing this for anything. Send a security team to the transporter room. And Spock... look after my ship." The captain beamed with excitement and practically catapulted into the turbolift. Against his inclination, Spock refrained from arguing, though he desperately wanted to follow his captain to the alien ship.
The captain and his security team transported aboard the Mynon. The next few minutes were a nightmare. The captain's choked cry for help echoed on the bridge as the transporter chief frantically worked to retrieve the boarding party. McCoy ran to the transporter room, not waiting to summon medical back up. Spock leapt for the science station, trying desperately to find in the data an explanation for what seemed to be happening. Uhura tried to answer the alien vessel's hail and Chekov had to be restrained from firing on the Mynon.
"Report, Doctor McCoy." Spock's voice cut through the confusion. Another voice, not the doctor's answered.
"The doctor is tending to the captain, Mr. Spock. The two security people, Landau and M'gen are dead. Captain Kirk is unable to breathe unassisted. His body appears to be paralyzed and he is unconscious. There is no sign of trauma on any of the three. There must have been something on the alien ship that we missed. The captain is now on his way to Sickbay. We'll report from there."
Spock summoned all his control. He had to contact the alien ship. "Priathen vessel, this is the first officer, Mr. Spock. Regrettably, our captain and his party have been injured by some unidentified factor in your ship's atmosphere. We will be unable to exchange visits at this time. Can you assist us in determining the toxic agent?"
"We deeply regret the incident, Mr. Spock. Of course, we had no way of knowing that might happen. Your captain and his party collapsed without warning. It is not our custom, nor our intent to injure anyone. We do not know what could have caused this accident. We will retransmit our data. Perhaps you could send your atmospheric conditions to us so we might examine them?"
"Agreed." replied Spock.
The information was exchanged and scientists from both ships poured over it. Neither side was able to determine a single toxic element. Frustrated and frantic with concern about the captain, tempers on the Enterprise began to rise. Spock signaled the Mynon.
"Perhaps we should postpone our contact until we are all better able to understand what has happened."
There was a moment's pause and then the Priathens answered. The sadness in their voices was apparent even through the translation device. "We are in agreement. It would be dangerous for us to pursue contact at this time. We wish you well and hope that we can meet again." With that rather terse statement, the alien ship quickly retreated from the area.
Spock sat in the center seat, acutely aware that all eyes on the bridge were focused on him. It was my fault. It was my fault. The words echoed in his brain. He had allowed Jim to beam over without him, and somehow he has missed something in the data. On two counts, he had failed his captain. He should have been at Jim's side where he belonged. Edith Keeler had sensed it; Spock had known it to be true. Even though he recognized that it was not logical, it was, nevertheless, correct. Spock rose, turned the conn over to Mr. Sulu and left the bridge. "Sickbay," they could hear him say in the turbolift. And there he stayed until the doctor sent him to his quarters.
Unable to stop going over and over the events of the day, the Vulcan found no peace. His tears had ceased, but he was still unable to meditate. I should not have left him again, in spite of the doctor. Sickbay, I must get to sickbay. Spock left his quarters and hurried blindly though the corridors of the Enterprise. The doors of the medical section opened. He could see a bent and dejected Dr. McCoy standing next to the captain's bed.
"It's not use, Spock. He's too far gone and we don't even know why. I can't help him. This time there's nothing left to do but wait. Do you want to inform the crew?"
"Doctor," rasped Spock, "I must ask you to leave. Now. Please do not ask any questions. Just do as I say. That is an order."
Thinking that the distraught first officer wanted to be alone with his friend and captain at the end, McCoy nodded sadly and left the room. Spock's fingers felt for Jim's face, urgently seeking the contact that had healed before. Nothing, only darkness. Spock shuddered and plunged deeper, conscious only of needing to find a flicker, a spark. Unsure that he could find his way back, yet unwilling to give up, Spock spiraled downward. What was that? He saw a dim figure in the distance.
Jim.
Go back, Spock. Don't follow me.
Jim, I must. I belong at your side. I will not leave you again. We will die together or we will live. You choose.
Unfair, Spock. Don't make me choose. There's been so much pain in my life, so much ruin. I've been responsible for so much death. Don't force me to let you die, too. Go back now and let me follow this path. I don't want to hurt you, but I can't go back. It was so beautiful on the Mynon. I want to stay in that place, with no hurt, no loss.
Jim, perhaps like the Medusans, the Priathens' form is too much for humans to process. It is not possible to follow their path. You will die, and if you die, I die with you. You must choose to return with me.
Leave me Spock. Please let me go.
I WILL NOT! With an enormous wrench, Spock began to drag his captain's faint consciousness towards the light. The light is the Enterprise, Jim. She needs you, as do I.
Reluctantly, the flicker followed Spock upward and into the brightness. Friendship and duty pulled him slowly upward.
The lights on the panel showed the exhausted Spock that his captain was no longer in danger of loosing his way. His lungs functioned independently of the machines. It would take time and Dr. McCoy to restore him to health, but Spock would wait at his t'hy'la's side, and this time they would talk about their link. He would finally talk to his captain about the gift he had been given, the gift of acceptance and unconditional friendship. And Spock resolved it would take more than Starfleet regulations and an insistent commanding officer to remove him from his captain's side again.
The End