Dear Irina,
Part 5

Stardate 4930.5

Dear Irina,

It has been some time since have I heard from you. I hope that you are well, and that you are still finding your work rewarding. I don't really know anything about the people who are working with you. What is Dr. Sevrin like? Who are your colleagues? I would really like to hear about them. I know, I know. Pavel is very nosy. It's just that I miss our time at the Academy. We were so close, and we told each other everything. Didn't we? I am becoming friendly with my crewmates on the Enterprise, but I remind you of that Russian saying, "there's no friend like an old friend".

Speaking of Russian sayings, I have been having some fun with my fellow officers. I decided to out-Russian any expectation they might have of me. It's so funny. I even told the captain that Ivan Berkoff was the real name for the astronomer John Burke. You should have seen his face. I think he was wondering just what they are teaching at the Academy these days. I have claimed Russian authorship of everything I can. This was "inwented" in Russia. That was "inwented" in Russia. It is really driving everyone crazy. The only problem is that I haven't figured out how to stop without confessing that I have been pulling everyone's leg.

I started my Russian campaign (you have accused me of a Napoleon complex, so it is only fitting) well before a series of practical jokes started to hit the ship. So, if I confess now they might think that I was the culprit. Which I was not. I have to tell you about these jokes. You will not believe such goings on could happen on a starship. But then, I think I have mentioned that the Enterprise is not an ordinary ship.

You remember that I have spoken of the fact that the Enterprise has seen more than her share of action. Well, after that incident with the Derberus, the captain requested shore leave. We were all exhausted, not the least from having nearly one hundred extra people onboard for two weeks. I know the captain asked for shore leave, because Uhura (I've mentioned her, she's the communications chief) put in the captain's request herself. And, she was the one who had to tell the captain that his request was denied. Apparently, Starfleet felt that mapping another star system was more important than the well being of this ship's crew.

I was on the bridge when our orders came through. We were to deliver our passengers and proceed immediately to a sector (I can't tell you which one) to begin charting it. I can tell you that no one on the bridge was happy. Dr. McCoy was also on the bridge when the orders came. Let me tell you Irina, for a doctor and a scientist, he swears like a Siberian freight-handler. I heard some things that were new to me and remember, swearing was "inwented" in Russia.

We dropped off our grateful passengers four days later. At least they had been a bright spot. They were so appreciative of the captain and the crew for rescuing them from the Orion slave trade that they couldn't have been easier. We've had passengers onboard who were difficult and demanding. This group was a pleasure. They did keep thanking Captain Kirk. I think this embarrassed him because he started to spend a lot of time in his cabin. Perhaps he was trying to avoid them.

Anyway, the passengers finally disembarked. This was not a happy ship as we watched Starbase 6 shrink from view. The doctor, who was on the bridge as we left the Starbase, suggested that the captain speak to the crew to boost morale. The captain requested that Uhura open the ship's intercom. He started to speak. Irina, you wouldn't believe this. His voice sounded like he had been breathing helium. He motioned to Uhura who cut the connection. She scrambled furiously to find out where the problem was. She tested the system herself with an "All Call" and it worked fine. The captain started to speak to the ship a second time, and you guessed it. It happened again. The captain's voice came out like a squeaky wheel.

I was afraid to look over at Sulu, but out of the corner of my eye, I could see his shoulders shaking as if he was trying to control a laugh. The doctor, whose voice also sounded suspiciously like he was trying not to chuckle, suggested he try the intercom. It worked perfectly for him. The poor captain tried again. Again, that squeaky, really funny voice. I suspect that Captain Kirk, and of course Mr. Spock, were the only ones on the bridge who were not trying very hard to keep from laughing. The captain gave Spock one of those "why me?' looks, gave him the conn and left the bridge. I only hoped that the doors of the turbolift are sound proofed because we sure laughed loud and long.

That was the first in a series of practical jokes that became more elaborate as each one progressed. Right after the captain's unhappy experience with the intercom, someone sneaked into the doctor's cabin and switched his beard inhibitor for a blue dye. Apparently, his face is not the only part of him that Dr. McCoy uses the inhibitor on. Let me just say that it was some time before any of us saw the doctor in the gym. Most of the visible color washed off in a few days, but Dr. McCoy had a blue stain around his mouth that would not go away. The captain was heard to say that was what the doctor got for talking a blue streak.

Then, someone programmed the food slots so that every time anyone asked for dessert what they got was sushi. I can tell you that for a while this led us to suspect Sulu was behind the practical jokes. That is until we found out that he is allergic to raw fish. Sulu has a well-known sweet tooth, and I think he was the victim, not the culprit. It took engineering nearly three days to fix the food programs, and in all that time, Sulu kept trying to find someone who had a stash of chocolate. He claimed that he was addicted and that he would go into withdrawals if the food slots did not start dispensing his favorites. Of course, no one would give him any chocolate. As I write this it sounds pretty juvenile, but you had to see the plaintive look on Sulu's face when he asked for chocolate cake and got sea urchin rolls instead. It was so funny.

Things were quiet for a while, but we were all so involved in trying to figure out who was responsible for the jokes that we hardly noticed the tedium of our assignment. Then, after nearly four days of nothing, just when things were starting to get really boring, the prankster struck again.

Poor Mr. Scott. Irina, did I ever mention that Mr. Scott, who enjoys a drink more than most of us, has a very fine still in Engineering? He has been heard to boast that his whiskey is fit for a king. I am pretty sure that all of the senior officers know about the still, but there seems to be an agreement not to disturb it. Mr. Scott is one of the most talented and reliable officers on the Enterprise. He personally supervises every mechanical aspect of the ship, and he would never do anything to jeopardize the safety of its crew. So, the captain looks the other way, and in return his engineer would do just about anything for him. Well, our prankster somehow got past the entire engineering department and turned the latest distilled efforts purple. Apparently, the liquor was perfectly safe to drink. The color didn't affect the taste of the whiskey, but it did stain the mouth of anyone who drank it. There were some rather strangely colored engineers who suddenly found excuses to spend all their free time at their duty stations. Word got round and more than a few stopped by Engineering to see if Scotty could spare any of his "Royal Purple". I hear that he was the only one who didn't think that was funny.

I can tell you Irina, the sole topic of conversation on the ship was trying to figure out who was behind those jokes. We pretty much eliminated those who were the victims. Then we eliminated those who did not have the access or the ability to pull off the pranks. That left practically nobody. I will say that morale on the ship was high, since we were all having so much fun. I think that some jokers went into business for themselves, because there were all sorts of minor pranks, but none with elegance of the first few. We finished our mapping assignment, and finally received word that the Enterprise was to report to Starbase 12 for shoreleave. I wondered whether that meant the jokes would stop. It seemed to me that whoever was behind them meant to lighten the mood of the ship. And, was very successful!

But, whoever it was wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, and so there was one last brilliant, elegant, elaborate joke on the whole ship. Writing about it doesn't do it justice, it was so wonderful. It happened on Alpha shift of the day before we reached Starbase 12. I was on the bridge with the regular duty officers. The captain asked his yeoman for the duty logs so that he could review the previous shifts. His yeoman handed him the padd and the captain looked down to start his review. All of a sudden he sat up straight in his chair and in his most commanding voice asked, "What is the meaning of this?" Irina, usually Captain Kirk is the most considerate and kind of commanders, but when he gets riled, watch out. He gets a tone of voice that says he means business.

Mr. Spock swiveled in his chair and asked the captain what was wrong. The captain called Mr. Spock down to look at his padd. Apparently there was something written on it that upset him. Mr. Spock actually looked perturbed. His eyebrow rose so high on his forehead that it disappeared beneath his hair. He started to say something, when he was interrupted by a gasp from Lieutenant Uhura. That gasp echoed around the bridge as on every computer station on the ship the following message appeared:

THIS IS THE BEST DAMN CREW ON THE BEST DAMN SHIP IN STARFLEET.

The captain shrugged and said, "Who am I to argue with the truth?" Then he turned the conn over to Mr. Spock and ordered him to clear up the glitch on the computer. I am pretty sure that the turbolifts aren't soundproof, Irina, because I would swear I heard a rather loud and triumphant "YES" coming from the lift as Captain Kirk left the bridge. Anyway, that was the last practical joke because we reached Starbase 12 the next day and we went on shore leave.

I'd tell you about my shore leave, but to tell you the truth, it was not half as much fun as duty on this ship. I can't believe that I ever considered asking for a transfer. I also have an idea why the captain spent so much time in his cabin. Hah, and I thought practical jokes were "inwented" in Russia, not Iowa.

Please write soon. I miss you.

Love,
Pavel

return to Nesabj Main Page