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Factors Influencing Reunion
Readiness and Mutuality
Current Personal Circumstances
Time
Age & Gender of Reunion Members
Reactions of Important People
The Intensity of Emotions
Associated with the
Relinquishment/Adoption Issues
Feelings About Reunion
Reactions to Meetings Vary
For Birth Parents
Adoptees and Birth Parents
Are Reunions Successful
Genetic Sexual Attraction
Reunion Tasks
Filing up the Information Vacuum
Resolving Issues
Integrating New Relations with on
going ones
Developing A Shared History
Negotiating and Creating a Mutually
Acceptable Relationship
Things to Think About
Preparation
Adoptive Families
Timing
Honesty
Intentions
Flexibility/Adaptability
Factors Influencing Reunion
Readiness and Mutuality
Current Personal Circumstances
Time
Age & Gender of Reunion Members
Reactions of Important People
The Intensity of Emotions
Associated
with the
Relinquishment/Adoption Issues
Genetic Sexual Attraction
Reunion Tasks
Filing up the Information Vacuum
Resolving Issues
Integrating New Relations with on
going ones
Developing A Shared History
Negotiating and Creating a Mutually
Acceptable Relationship
Things to Think About
Preparation
Adoptive Families
Timing
Honesty
Intentions
Flexibility/Adaptability
Factors Influencing Reunion
Readiness and Mutuality
Current Personal Circumstances
Time
Age & Gender of Reunion Members
Reactions of Important People
The Intensity of Emotions
Associated with the
Relinquishment/Adoption Issues
Feelings About Reunion
Reactions to Meetings Vary
For Birth Parents
Adoptees and Birth Parents
Are Reunions Successful
Reunion Tasks
Filing up the Information Vacuum
Resolving Issues
Integrating New Relations with on
going ones
Developing A Shared History
Negotiating and Creating a Mutually
Acceptable Relationship
Things to Think About
Preparation
Adoptive Families
Timing
Honesty
Intentions
Flexibility/Adaptability
Factors Influencing Reunion
Readiness and Mutuality
Current Personal Circumstances
Time
Age & Gender of Reunion Members
Reactions of Important People
The Intensity of Emotions
Associated with the
Relinquishment/Adoption Issues
Feelings About Reunion
Reactions to Meetings Vary
For Birth Parents
Adoptees and Birth Parents
Are Reunions Successful
Genetic Sexual Attraction
Things to Think About
Preparation
Adoptive Families
Timing
Honesty
Intentions
Flexibility/Adaptability
Factors Influencing Reunion
Readiness and Mutuality
Current Personal Circumstances
Time
Age & Gender of Reunion Members
Reactions of Important People
The Intensity of Emotions
Associated with the
Relinquishment/Adoption Issues
Feelings About Reunion
Reactions to Meetings Vary
For Birth Parents
Adoptees and Birth Parents
Are Reunions Successful
Genetic Sexual Attraction
Reunion Tasks
Filing up the Information Vacuum
Resolving Issues
Integrating New Relations with on
going ones
Developing A Shared History
Negotiating and Creating a Mutually
Acceptable Relationship
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Section 1:
Factors Influencing Reunion
There are many, many factors that will influence the
possibility of a reunion happening, and when it happens. These factors also influence the
smoothness, intensity, or character of adoption reunion experiences and relationships
after reunion. Although it is
impossible to list all of them, as each situation is quite unique, there are
some factors that stand out as being significant.
READINESS AND
MUTUALITY
If both adopted adult and birth parent are ready and
eager to get to know each other, contact with one another can be easier. This usually means that both parties have
done a lot of the “work” necessary to come to terms with their personal
issues around the adoption experience.
CURRENT PERSONAL
CIRCUMSTANCES
What is currently happening in each person’s life can
influence if and how a reunion progresses.
If either party has just married, had a child, started a new career,
just experienced a considerable loss, etc., he/she may not be able to devote
the energy to a reunion, or may become overwhelmed from having taken on too
big a load. There may be a need to put
new relationships on hold for a while.
TIME
Time is calming.
Sometimes it is necessary to give oneself time to just get used to new
ideas and feelings. Even when there
are not particularly difficult obstacles to overcome, people may just need to
“digest” the news for a while.
AGE AND GENDER OF
REUNION MEMBERS
Where each person is in their life cycle has a bearing
on how they handle intense feeling, if they are able and willing to form new
relationships, and how they go about the process of getting to know each
other. Very elderly people can be less
likely to take on something new and difficult. Very young adoptees may be still very much
immersed in their adoptive families and cannot conceive of taking on
additional family responsibilities.
Men and women often respond quite differently to the same event.
REACTIONS OF
IMPORTANT PEOPLE
The feelings and reactions of each person’s family and
friends can influence a reunion. No
one wishes to jeopardize the current relationships. If there is a great deal of distress
created for an important person, the reunion may have to be slowed down and
those issues addressed. If a birth
mother’s family does not know about an adoptee, or if an adoptee did not know
they were adopted, it will likely take much more time for a reunion to
proceed.
THE INTENSITY OF
EMOTIONS ASSOCIATED WITH THE RELINQUISHMENT OR ADOPTION ISSUES
Reunions usually bring up a lot of pretty intense
feelings from the past – often long hidden.
Sometimes there are deep scars that are very painful to open up
again. For most people, the
possibility of healing those wounds helps them face the more difficult
aspects of cutting through the pain of the past. Some people, however, feel they cannot take
the chance of opening those doors again.
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Section 2:
Feelings About Reunion
For both parties, the reunion means facing the reality
of who the other person really is – the end of the years of dreaming and
wondering. For both it is very common
to have lots of fears too, particularly the fear of being rejected by the
other. There is often the need to feel
accepted as you are, and people talk of a need to be open and honest with
each other.
REACTIONS TO
MEETINGS VARY
For many there is initially intense excitement. Often one is struck by physical
resemblances – a pleasant shock for an adoptee who has never met a blood
relative before. Reunions can bring
contact with other relatives too – grandparents, brother, sisters. These are usually welcoming and curious
about the new family member. Adoptees
and birth parents sometimes speak of need for physical closeness – even a
sexual attraction. This can be
alarming and difficult to deal with when you have not grown up together with
the usual taboos of every day life.
If you find this happening to you, it might help to talk
to a therapist about it. In the early
stages, reunions can be overwhelming and completely absorbing, there is so
much new information to understand and take in. Other concerns in life sometimes seem
temporarily unimportant – it has been compared to falling in love. However, not everyone finds the experience
so satisfying. Reactions can be less
intense, even disappointing. You may
feel let down if the person’s very different to what you expected or hoped
for. Sometimes it takes a while to
learn to trust each other and build a relationship more slowly.
FOR BIRTH PARENTS
A reunion often brings back renewed feeling of guilt
about the decision to place their child for adoption. Memories of that time can come flooding
back – the sense of isolation and possibly blame experienced at the same
time. There will also be memories of
the other birth parent. Feeling which
were suppressed can be opened up and birth mother has spoken of crying and
re-experiencing the grief of the separation from their child. If the adoptee appears happy and content,
the reunion can bring some relief and consolation. However, if it appears that not everything
went will in the adoptive home, birth parents can feel renewed guilt and
responsibility.
ADOPTEES AND BIRTH
PARENTS
Adoptees and birth parents both experience mixed
emotions. There is often much to enjoy
sharing and talking about, but there can also be the welling up of a sense of
loss – of years which have been missed.
The adoptee may regret the loss of the “ordinariness” of growing up with
one’s birth family, the acceptance of belonging together. He or she may see things they missed in
their adoptive home.
ARE REUNIONS
SUCCESSFUL?
The answer to this will of course depend on what you
hoped to get out of it. Most people
however will say that they are glad they did it. There is a whole spectrum of eventual
relationships - from those where a close emotional bond develops to those
where people are disappointed and disillusioned by what they find, and the
large range in the middle where there are ups and downs. It may take some time before you feel able
to evaluate what is has meant. People
often talk of needing about two years to get through all the stages of adjustment
to this new relationship with each other.
For everyone however, there is at least the satisfaction of
“knowing”. For adoptees there is the
knowledge that you have put the “jigsaw pieces” together, the feeling that
you know your rooks like everyone else.
For birth parents, there is the end to the questions of whether the son
or daughter is dead or alive, happy or not.
For most there is relief of the end to secrecy which alone can help
you feel more open and freer.
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Section 3:
Genetic Sexual Attraction
If you are adopted, it is unlikely that you will ever
have met anyone before who looks at all like you. Shared mannerisms, mutual interests and
finding someone “on the same wavelength” also added to the sensation that a
person “belongs” to another in a special way.
There is a sense of self, mirrored in the other, which has never been
experienced before.
A young woman wrote on finding her birth brother, “I
feel he is an extension of myself and that in finding him, I have found
myself and understand myself much more”.
Another man meeting his birth mother wrote: “When she
opened the door I could see me.”
If we accept that reunions are likely to be highly
charged events and that people carry great hopes and expectations (of which
they may not be fully aware) into the relationship, it is easy to see why the
experience is frequently compared with falling in love. Many people believe part of the power of
attraction lies in physical similarities.
For some people in reunion, this can result in a
physical attraction. We call this
“genetic sexual attraction”. This has
been described as an overwhelming physical attraction to the other
party. The attraction can occur
between mothers/sons; fathers/daughters; brothers/sisters. It can involve homosexual as well as
heterosexual experiences. This does
occur however should not be a reason to hold back and hug if you feel like
giving one.
People who have these feelings are not “crazy” or
abnormal. It is very important to seek
counseling should you have a strong physical attraction to your reunion
partner. You will need help in setting
boundaries that will protect everyone and will help you form a positive,
healthy relationship.
This just touches on this subject in these few paragraphs. More information or a therapist referral
list is available by contacting PARR.
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Section 4:
Reunion Tasks
In order for a birth parents and an adopted adult to
forge a satisfactory relationship, and for things to fall into a comfortable
pattern, there seem to be some key tasks that must be accomplished. These tasks can be complex and not always
easy:
FILING UP THE INFORMATION
VACUUM:
This can be both an exciting and awkward time as the two
of you find out about one another and catch up on all the happenings in each
other’s lives. This is a time when
stories about birth heritage and adoption circumstances are often shared.
RESOLVING ISSUES
It is important to work through old issues (to the
extent possible) and come to peace with the past. A birth parent may need to work through
issues that are associated with relinquishing the child. An adult adoptee may have leftover issues
associated with being separated from the birth family. An adoptive parent may need to work through
any fears for their children and any anticipated threat to their family unit.
INTEGRATING NEW RELATIONS WITH
ON GOING ONES
Rarely does a person enter into a reunion without
already having other important relationships in their lives – with parents,
siblings, children, partners, and friends.
At some point then, it is necessary to be able to share the reunion
relationship with these important people.
This can often be difficult, given that the past may be shrouded with
secrecy. It may also stirrup concerns
as to how others will react.
Nonetheless, this is an important task to address. Many find their reunions to be m ore
satisfying and fulfilling when the relationship is out in the open and has
the support and acceptance of those important to them.
DEVELOPING A SHARED HISTORY
A reunion involves two people coming together with a
birth bond, but virtually with no shared history beyond that point. Therefore, on task of a reunion is creating
a shared history. Over time,
cumulative experiences accumulate enhanced feelings of connection, warmth,
and closeness. This can be viewed as a
task like putting pages in a joint book of memories.
NEGOTIATING AND CREATING A
MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE RELATIONSHIP
In some ways, a reunion relationship is no different
than any other relationship – it needs to be nurtured, issues need to be
discussed and there needs to be a sense of openness and honesty. In other ways, it is different than any
other relationship that exists. There
are few “role models” to guide the way, so you need to address questions that
in other relationships, you might take for granted. What do we call each other? Who are we to each other? Where do we fit in to each other’s lives?
Where do we want this to go? What about those around us? Numerous questions need to be asked and
answered to decide how to relate to one another in the post reunion ever
after.
It seems fair to say that post reunion develops along
two paths more or less simultaneously.
One is the tangled path that leads backward to the past. The other is the newly laid track that is
carrying birth parents, adoptive parents, and adult adoptees into the
future. New opportunities can be
released by virtue of reunion – new possibilities of personal growth, new
relations, and enriched old relationships.
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Section 5:
Things to Think About
PREPARATION
As much as you think you are prepared, there are always things
you cannot anticipate as you go into reunion.
While it can be helpful to be aware of the many issues that might come
up, there comes a point where you need to simply trust that you can handle
whatever might arise.
Remember that people can be at very different stages at
the beginning of contact. The person
who has been searched for is often quite shocked and may need time for the
news to settle in. The person who has
initiated the search may need to remember that she/he has had more time to
prepare, and needs to be patient. The
ball is now in the “searched for” persons court and that person may need time
to sort through a number of feelings and issues associated with being
contacted.
ADOPTIVE FAMILIES
Adoptive families can often feel left out of the reunion
process. This can stir up a number of
feelings, including a fear of losing the child they raised and loved. For many adoptees, these are important
relationships that they do not want to jeopardize. Reassuring their adoptive families, including
them and being open and honest can often help them feel comfortable with the
reunion.
TIMING
In many cases, the whole process and experience of
reunion takes up a lot of an individual’s emotional energy. Timing is very important. You need to know that you have the support,
stability and energy to deal with whatever may come up.
HONESTY
Honesty is very important. Throughout the reunion process, it is
helpful to be clear about what you need and don’t need, what makes you
comfortable or not. Being clear and
honest leaves less room for miscommunication.
It also helps the other person to have more of an understanding of
where you are coming from. Remember,
you can’t play cards without the cards on the table and without knowing the
rules.
INTENTIONS
What are yours?
In the excitement and drive to satisfy a burning need with in you, it
is easy to lose sight of the feelings and needs of the other person; yet it
is very important that you consider the other person. Your needs and expectations may be very similar
or very different than his or hers.
Some may see the reunion as an opportunity to establish a deep
relationship, others may simply want to exchange information, find out how
the other person is doing, and connect once or twice a year. Being upfront with each other is very
important. You may also want to remind
yourself that feelings change. What is
negotiated at the beginning may change later, so if is often helpful to check
in with each other at various points in the reunion.
FLEXIBILITY/ADAPTABILITY
It is likely that, whatever you imagined the other
person to be like; there will also be many surprises. It is wise to keep an open mind, remain
optimistic, and be prepared to “roll with the punches”.
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