PARR was founded in 1995 by
Karen D. Sterner www.paadoptionreunionregistry.org
Volume 1, Edition 1 1st Quarter
2005 To contact PARR or contribute
to this newsletter email Goals of the PA Adoption · Provide triad members to come
together via state wide umbrella registry · Promote a broader understanding
of issues encountered by members of the “adoption triangle” through our use
of the media and speaking to groups and agencies · Provide search help by
maintaining an updated web page and providing individualized search
assistance · Publish a website to keep those
whose lives are affected by adoption and others in the adoption community
in touch with each other and aware of new publications, new research, and
other developments within the adoption community · Serve as a clearinghouse for
getting people the information and help they are seeking related to
adoption search and support. This is
not limited to search assistance but also includes someone seeking a
therapist, or someone seeking a search and support group in PA or another
part of the country. 
Upcoming Events
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Adoption Forum One Day Symposium For more info email info@adoptionforum.org |
American Adoption Congress National Conference For more information visit www.americanadoptioncongress.org |
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NACAC 31st For more information email info@nacac.org |
To have your event listed, email karkan@comcast.net. All national events as well as events in PA, NJ, NY, VA, DE, OH, and WV will be listed.. |
Editorial
| N.J. Adoption Law Expand a Birthright
Reprinted from the
Since 1940, birth records in
health risks.
The bill, A3237, would allow
adopted adults, and the adoptive parents or guardians of adopted children, to
see their original birth certificates through the state health department.
The legislation respects the
privacy of birth parents who want to remain anonymous by allowing them, within
one year of the law being enacted, to ask the state Office of Vital Statistics
to remove their names and addresses from the birth certificate. Parents who
wish to remain anonymous would have to supply medical information and update it
periodically.
In births that happen after the
law takes effect, a birth parent who gives a child up for adoption would be
required to fill out a form indicating whether they would welcome contact.
The vast majority of birth
parents don't insist on confidentiality.
Only 83 birth parents have
requested no contact, and
Some opponents of such laws
fear it would lead to more abortions. In
The New Jersey Senate, which
had been the hurdle for advocates in past years, approved this legislation on
Dec. 6. The Assembly ought to - how else to put it? - adopt the same position.
COMING
SOON!
PARR is
pleased to announce it will be publishing to the website a link to the
computerized PARR database that is currently maintained off line. This exciting new addition to PARR will
provide those in the adoption community with a tool for those who are searching
in the state of PA as well as a resource for organizations and
professionals. If you are not registered
with PARR, are searching, and would like to register with PARR, please email
Karen at karkan@comcast.net.
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents: A
Fact Sheet for Families
Reprinted from the National Adoption Clearing
House 2004
1. Responses to Adoption Placement
Grieving the Loss of the Child. Placing a child for adoption can cause a sense of
loss that is all-encompassing. This sense of loss begins with the pregnancy
itself as the expectant parents come to accept the reality of the unplanned
pregnancy and the loss of their own immediate life plans. Most struggle with
the decision to place the child for adoption; those who decide to do so begin
to plan for a great loss in their own lives with the hope that placing the
child for adoption will result in a better life for their baby and for
themselves.
The actual physical separation generally occurs soon
after the birth. Many circumstances can have an impact on the birth parent's
feelings at the time, including mixed feelings about the adoption placement,
support from other family members and the other birth parent, and whether the
planned adoption is open (i.e., allowing some later contact with the child).
The actions of the agency personnel (if an agency is involved), as well as
those of the adoption attorney, adoptive parents, hospital personnel, and
physician can all affect the feelings of the birth mother and father as they
proceed through the process of the adoption and the termination of their own
parental rights.
The birth and the actual surrendering of the baby may
prompt feelings of numbness, shock, and denial, as well as grief, in the birth
parents. All of these feelings are normal reactions to loss. This particular
type of loss is different from a loss through death, however, because there is
rarely a public acknowledgment, and friends and family of the birth parents may
attempt to ignore the loss by pretending that nothing has happened. In some
cases, the secrecy surrounding the pregnancy and adoption may make it difficult
for birth parents to seek out and find support as they grieve their loss. In
addition, the lack of formal rituals or ceremonies to mark this type of loss
may make it more difficult to acknowledge the loss and therefore to acknowledge
the grief as a normal process.
When birth parents first deal with their loss, the
grief may be expressed as denial. The denial serves as a buffer to shield them
from the pain of the loss. This may be followed by sorrow or depression as the
loss becomes more real. Anger and guilt may follow, with anger sometimes being
directed at those who helped with the adoption placement. The final phases,
those of acceptance and resolution, refer not to eliminating the grief
permanently but to integrating the loss into ongoing life.
Grieving Other Losses. Placing a child for adoption may also cause other
(secondary) losses, which may add to the grief that birth parents feel. No one
fantasizes about having a baby and then giving it up, so expectant parents who
are planning to place the child for adoption may grieve for the loss of their
parenting roles. They may grieve for the person their child might have become
as their son or daughter. These feelings of loss may re-emerge in later years,
for instance, on the child's birthday, or when the child is old enough to start
school or to reach other developmental milestones.
Additional losses may occur as a result of the
pregnancy and placement. In some cases, the birth mother loses her relationship
with the birth father under the stress of the pregnancy, birth, and subsequent
placement decision. The birth parents may also lose relationships with their
own parents, whose disappointment or disapproval may be accompanied by a lack
of support. In extreme cases, the birth mother may need to leave her parents
and her home. The birth mother may lose her place in the educational system or
in the workplace as a result of the pregnancy. Birth parents may also lose
friends who are not supportive of either the pregnancy or the decision to place
the child for adoption.
Guilt and Shame. Birth parents may experience guilt and shame for
having placed their child for adoption, since societal values reflect a lack of
understanding of the circumstances that might prompt birth parents to make an
adoption plan for their child. At first, there may be shame associated with the
unplanned pregnancy itself and with admitting the situation to parents,
friends, co-workers, and others. Shame about the pregnancy may lead to feelings
of unworthiness or incompetence about becoming a parent. Once the child is
born, the decision to place the child for adoption may prompt new feelings of
guilt about "rejecting" the child, no matter how thoughtful the
decision or what the circumstances of the adoption.
The shame and guilt felt by birth parents is often
supported by the secrecy surrounding the adoption process. Thus, keeping the
pregnancy a secret, maintaining secrecy throughout the adoption proceedings,
and then treating the experience as unimportant may promote a feeling of shame
in birth parents, since the pregnancy and adoption are not even discussed.
Birth parents who can discuss their feelings with supportive friends, family
members, or professional counselors may more easily come to terms with their
decision over time and be able to integrate the experience into their lives.
Identity Issues. Placing a child for adoption may trigger identity
issues in some birth parents. They may wonder, "Am I a parent?" Some
birth parents may experience a sense of incompleteness, because they are
parents without a child. Generally, their status as parents is not acknowledged
among family and friends. If the birth parents go on to have other children
whom they raise, this may also affect how the birth parents view their own
identity, as well as that of all their children.
These questions about identity may also extend to the
relationship with the child when the adoption is open. Birth parents who
participate in open adoptions may initially wonder how they will fit into that
new relationship with their child once the adoptive parents become the legal
parents. However, this relationship with the child and adoptive family in an
open adoption may evolve so that the birth parents maintain an agreed-upon role
in the life of the child. Still, there are few role models for birth parents to
help clarify this issue of identity. (For more information about open
adoptions, see the NAIC fact sheet Openness in Adoption.)
Long-Term Issues. Many birth parents continue to mourn the loss of
their child throughout their lifetime, but with varying intensity. For
instance, birth parents may continue to track the milestones of their child's
life by imagining birthday parties, first days of school, graduation, and more.
Some birth parents experience longstanding grief, that is, grief that lasts a
very long time and may continue to actually interfere with a birth parent's
life many years later. Some of the factors that have been found to be
associated with longstanding grief include:
§
A birth parent's
feeling that she was pressured into placing her
child for adoption against her
will
§
Feelings of guilt
and shame regarding the placement
§
Lack of
opportunity to express feelings about the placement
The personal stories of some birth parents, as well as
studies with birth parents in therapy, have indicated that some birth parents
experience difficulties beyond longstanding grief (see, for example, Winkler
& van Keppel, 1984). For instance, some birth
parents may have trouble forming and maintaining relationships. This may be due
to lingering feelings of loss and guilt, or it may be due to a fear of
repeating the loss. Other birth parents may attempt to fill the loss quickly by
establishing a new relationship, marrying, or giving birth again—without having
dealt with the grief of the adoption placement. A few birth
parents report being overprotective of their subsequent children, because they
are afraid of repeating the experience of separation and loss (Askren & Bloom, 1999).
For some birth parents, the ability to establish a
successful marriage or long-term relationship may depend on the openness with
which they can discuss their past experiences of birth and adoption placement.
Some birth parents never tell their spouses or subsequent children of their
earlier child. Others are comfortable enough with their decision to be able to
share their past.
2. Gaining Control and Resolution
Acceptance
of the loss and working through the grief does not mean that birth parents
forget their birth child and never again feel sorrow or regret for the loss.
Rather, it means that they are able to move forward with their lives and to
integrate this loss into their ongoing lives. For those in an open adoption,
this may mean developing a new relationship with the child and the adoptive
parents. For birth parents whose child was adopted in a closed adoption, it may
mean learning to live with uncertainty about whether the parent will ever see
the child again.
A
number of birth parents have written about their experiences (for example, see
the books by Brenda Romanchik listed in the resource
section at the end of this paper). These authors describe a number of different
ways of dealing with loss and grief:
Entrustment ceremonies. Some birth parents describe a ritual or ceremony that
took place when they entrusted their child to the adoptive parents. In many
cases, these entrustment ceremonies took place in the hospital. These
ceremonies allowed the birth parents to say good-bye to their child and to
maintain a sense of control over the placement. Such ceremonies may help with
the later grieving process.
Ongoing rituals and traditions. Birth parents may find it helpful to create a
tradition that honors the child and the decision that was made. For instance,
planting a tree or writing a letter to the child (whether it is sent or not)
are ways of acknowledging the loss. On special days, such as the child's
birthday, birth parents may want to continue with that type of ceremony or
tradition.
Taking time. Both birth parents and counselors advise that
birth parents must allow themselves time to grieve and recover (Roles, 1989).
There is no timetable that predicts when the grief will be resolved, and there
may be occasions, even many years later, when the grief may resurface. Birth
parents who allow themselves time to grieve and to accept the loss may be
better able to move on.
Finding Support. Birth parents should seek out friends, support groups
of other birth parents, or understanding counselors in order to have a safe
place to communicate their feelings. Being able to openly share feelings can be
helpful in moving through the stages of grief and achieving some resolution.
Education. There are a number of books and articles about adoption and the birth
parent experience, as well as a growing number of websites that carry
information on the topic. Many of these include first-person accounts from
birth parents, which can provide some context for what some other birth parents
experience. These can be helpful to birth parents who may feel that they are
essentially alone in their loss.
Writing.
Birth parents may find it useful to keep a journal or diary of their
experiences and feelings. This may serve as an outlet for grief or other
emotions, and it can also serve to provide some perspective over time. Keeping
a journal also allows birth parents to remember details that might otherwise be
forgotten over the years.
Counseling. Birth parents may find that they need more support than family and
friends can offer, or they may be unable to move forward in the grieving
process. In such cases, professional counseling may help the birth parent make
progress in dealing with the grief or may reassure the parent that such
feelings are normal. A counselor should be able to help a birth parent replace
unrealistic fantasy with reality, to acknowledge what has happened, and to
heal.
Birth
parents should look for counselors who have significant experience with
adoption and with bereavement. Referrals for counselors may come from friends,
birth parent support groups, or from the adoption agency or attorney who helped
with the adoption.
While
the birth parent will never forget the child, it is important that the birth
parent adapts to the new circumstances and comes to terms with any regret. When
birth parents are able to integrate the loss into their lives and gain some
feeling of control, they can then move on to deal with whatever else life
presents to them.
