Search Tips
Tip
#1~It is
best to write to agencies, doctors, attorneys etc. instead of calling,
but if you must call, then try this. Put a smile on your face when making the
call and no matter what happens during the conversation, keep it there. Your
attitude and tone of voice come through as more appealing. Try it with a
friend. It really works.
Tip #2~If you are going to write a letter,
make it sound and look as professional as possible. No one will take you
seriously if you sound like a dunce, can't spell or end your sentences with
prepositions. Go to the library and get a book on "how to write
letters." Learn the proper way to address your Congressmen (women) and
Senators. No matter what you REALLY want to call an attorney, they are
always addressed as Esquire IE: Mr. John Smith, Esquire. You will call a
Judge, The Honorable Judge So‘n So.
Tip #3~Try to form some kind of personal relationship with the
person/people with whom you are speaking or writing. Make them remember you as
a nice, friendly person.
Tip #4~Keep a note book and a calendar
with it. In the book, keep all the information you have on your birth,
adoption, etc. in this one place, at your fingertips. Put all your original important
papers in a fireproof lock box of some kind. Just in case your computer
crashes, also keep hard copies of letters that you write. On the bottom of
each, make a note to yourself when to F/U (follow up) on the correspondence and
then add that to your calendar. If you have not received an answer by that
date, make a call, asking if they received my letter.
Tip #5~When writing for any information, ALWAYS
send a SASE. You are more likely to get an answer to your inquiry a lot
faster.
More tips
to follow in the next newsletter.
Patients have a right to
their medical records
Reprinted from the
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Pittsburgh Post Gazette By Yvonne Zanos
Q: I have a problem getting all
of my medical records. I contacted a specialist I had gone to and was told by
the specialist's staff that because of confidentiality I could not have the
copies. I informed this staff person that they were MY records and according to
the law in Pennsylvania I was
entitled to them. Nevertheless, I did not get them. How can they skirt around
this law and what can I do to get them to give my records to me?
FLORENCE DONOHUE
of McCandless
A: You do have a right to a copy of those records, Florence. If a doctor or his staff refuses
to give you a copy of your medical records, you can file a complaint against
that doctor.
Allison Hrestak of the
Pennsylvania Department of State says doctors are licensed by the Department of
State.
"We have a complaint office that will take your
complaint," said Hrestak. "You should
include your doctor's name, a description of the problem. If merited, your
complaint will then be passed on to the Bureau of Enforcement
Investigation."
I will give you that information, Florence, but my suggestion is that you
try to work this out with your specialist. There is always the possibility that
you were dealing with a tired or uninformed office worker.
New privacy regulations have complicated access to
records. In this case, there should be no problem, but that doesn't mean that
the person you spoke with is aware you still have a right to a copy of your own
records. Try again. Be patient and, if necessary, write a letter to your
doctor.
I say this only because filing a complaint sounds as if it
will be a lengthy process. I don't think you should have to go through all of
this.
The number to call to file a complaint against a doctor is
1-800-822-2113. You can file a complaint online at www.dos.state.pa.us. You
should search for licensing and find the icon for complaints.
Again, you should not have to go to this length to get a
copy of your medical records.
Access to Original Birth Certificates
(OBC)
The practice of issuing new birth
certificates was started to help create a new identity for adopted children and
their families. After 70 years, the process has been redefined to deny access
to a child's past under all but the most extreme circumstances. Adoptees are
not created equal under the current family law system. The availability of
information is arbitrary and often dependent on one or more bureaucrats in an
entrenched system. With only eight states providing identifying information
with a minimum of work, most states require some form of intermediary before
information is released.
The trend is moving, slowly,
towards releasing information to adult adoptees. It is our past and should be
our right. Someday, adult adoptees will be able to receive a copy of their
original birth certificate for a fee, just like everyone else.
Here are
some current statistics in a few of the states that are currently issuing
original birth certificates:
State # OBC issues # no
contact As
requested of
DE 615 16 4-18-2005
NH 501 11 3-18-2005
OR 8054 83 2-23-2005
Adoption
can bring
fear of abandonment
Reprinted from: http://www.insidebayarea.com/dailyreview/localnews/ci_2798991
I'M an adopted 16-year-old teenager who understands the heartache
and struggles some children feel because they're adopted. I was about 7 when I
was told I'd been given up at birth. It's hard for a 7-year-old to comprehend
the fact that her birth parents gave her and her twin sister away and that the
mother she grew up with wasn't related to her by blood.
Now that I'm 16, sometimes I still don't understand it all. If you
just expand your mind and think: If the first thing a child knows is that the
people who are supposed to love, protect and accept her decided adoption was
the best answer, why would that child expect that no one else would leave her?
Parents are the special people a child can turn to for advice and
comfort. They're the most important role models in a child's life. I can truly
say that my birth parents' decision to put me up for adoption brings a lot of
feelings and emotions along with it.
The effects of
adoption can be positive and negative for any child in this situation. For me personally,
the negative outcome so far of being adopted runs very deep.
I am very sensitive when it comes to family, and not just my
adopted family but other people's family as well. I don't have a father, so when
I see kids with their dad, a lot of emotions run through my mind. I want to go
fishing, learn how to play basketball and do all the
fun stuff that kids do with their dad. A dad would be so cool.
I would be daddy's little girl, like in the movies. When I see the
bond between a girl and her father, I begin to wonder who's going to walk me
down the aisle to give me away to another man who will take the place of my
nonexistent father ... and care for me.
Another effect adoption has on me, which ruins most of my
relationships with people, is that I have problems with abandonment. I always
fear that someone's going to leave me, so I've learned how to push people away
before I get hurt. That used to work, but now I just destroy good relationships
and usually get into negative ones from the beginning.
So a few people have said I'm going to end up alone with many
cats. I just don't understand how I can change this behavior if it's all I
know. I know some adopted kids, and the most common thing I hear is that they
have issues with relationships too. Some of them get into negative
relationships just to feel wanted. They, too, have problems staying in great
relationships because of the fear of being left.
With my adoption, sometimes the positive outweighs the negative. I
have a good adopted family who cares about me. They say they don't think of me
as being adopted. Even though adoption is a very sensitive subject for me, in
my case I find myself very lucky because my twin sister was adopted along with
me.
I watch shows by Maury Povich and Montel Williams, where they'll have a show about siblings,
including twins, being separated from each other and finally finding each other
after many years of searching. I have someone who went through the same
situation by my side every day. I am grateful because my family adopted my twin
sister.
Also, I don't know the story about my birth mother, but I realize
that I would not know the special people in my life, I wouldn't have gone to
the schools that I have gone to and most of all I wouldn't be the person I am
today if I wasn't adopted. This is the only life I know, and I also know that
the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
When it comes down to
it, all I need is me, myself and I to get through anything, even the pain of
feeling abandoned. I don't regret being put up for adoption because worse
things could have happened to me. I can't change the past, so I have to learn
how to play the cards life dealt me.
A Completed
Search
by Bob Hafetz
In my search I have spent nine
months of countless hours, sleepless nights, periods of hope erased by periods
of hopelessness, long trips to strange
cities, hours spent in front of a computer screen, riding an emotional roller
coaster, and experiencing a lifetime of failures in less than a year, all
leading to a grave in Texas. I must pause and ask myself, was it worth it? What
do I have to show for all of that? A name, a face, my history, two living
brothers, cousins, knowledge that I was loved, wanted and not given up
easily, words to describe the emotions I
feel, and a path for my grief to leave the place in my heart where it has
dwelled for 53 years. I heard my inner voice, but I never understood it until
now. Life is as much about the journey as it is about the destination. Where,
how, and why we go, is determined by from where we have come. The only prize
for this marathon is knowledge, dignity, and peace of mind. Was it worth
it? I never looked back, I never doubted
it and now at the end of my search I know I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Reunited with my brother
in Texas
My mother's grave site
in Texas and the end of my search
The Recovery
Process, Post-reunion
by Kate Neal
Reprinted
from: http://www.unlockingtheheart.com/A_post_reunion.htm
Every adopted child wonders
about his birth origin at some time in his life. (To prevent confusion, the
adoptee will be referred to as "he" and the birthmother as
"she") He may speculate about his unknown past with either fantasy, fear or envy. At some point he will make the
decision whether or not to search for his birthmother. Major factors in this
decision will be his own personality and stage of emotional development, the
degree of support of his adoptive parents, and the amount of information and
resources available to him. At every stage throughout the search-reunion-
recovery process, there are decisions and choices to be made. It is important
for an adoptee at the onset of his quest to expect the unexpected and to equip
himself to deal with the inevitable ups and downs of the journey ahead. My own
search to find my birthmother, to answer questions that had been with me for 23
years, and to complete a circle which had been left open by the circumstances
of my birth, has given me numerous perspectives on the whole search-reunion-recovery
process.
There is one truly
important perspective: Once the decision has been made to search and the major
obstacles standing in every adoptee's way have been overcome, the work is not
yet over! Indeed, much of the pain, but paradoxically also much of the
opportunity for growth and gratification comes after the reunion. In the
process of searching, an adoptee has to confront his own feelings of being
"rejected" by his birthmother. Often, before the search process, an
adoptee may tend to react to life situations with anger and fear of rejection.
These feelings may undergo a transformation once the actual reunion occurs. In
my case, for example, when I heard my birthmother's story, and learned the
circumstances of her situation and the reasons she gave me up, I reached a new
perspective – I was not rejected because I was inadequate or because of who I
was, but because of the circumstances in her life. Divorced, nearing middle
age, with two teenage sons to nurture and support, and a strong commitment to her
artist's lifestyle, I realized the last thing my birthmother could cope with at
that point was a newborn infant. As a woman I understood, appreciated, and was
sympathetic to her decisions and the emotional turmoil which she had to endure.
And, when at last the whole story as told to me by my birthmother, it became an
incredible opportunity for growth and adjustment.
As I learned to understand,
the maternal reunion brings on a flood of conflicting emotions: The shock of
facing reality and subsequent denial; anger; a tendency to trivialize or
bargain away the impact of the experience; and periods of sadness and
depression. These emotions, I came to realize, are stages of the
reunion-recovery process; and when they have been experienced and worked through,
their resolution will be in the acceptance of the birthmother's new role in
one's life. The fantasies will be turned to reality and the fears will be
confronted and the adoptee will be ready to get on with life. There will be, of
course, individual differences regarding the stages, with variations in
intensity and duration; some may overlap and occasionally one will be skipped.
But they are recognizable, and will serve to mark the adoptee's coming to
maturity.
THE FIVE STAGES OF
THE REUNION-RECOVERY PROCESS (Adapted from the five stages of grief developed in Dr.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' work, Death and Dying. McMillen, N.Y. 1969)
Shock and Denial:
The First Stage
Although I was thrilled at the "success" of my long and frustrating
search -- after all, I had found my birthmother and had spent an intense
month-long visit with her and then gone on to visit my birth grandmother -- I
returned to resume my life after these visits as if nothing had happened at
all. Little did I know what powerful emotions were churning inside me. When such a momentous change happens in anyone's life,
it is often accompanied by an urge to deny that any response is expected, or
any adjustment to a new reality is needed. After a few months of ignoring the
importance of this big change in my life, I began to get flashes of strong
feelings about my search and reunion.
Anger and Guilt:
The Second Stage
Soon after I returned from meeting my birthmother, I began to feel immense
anger about a number of things related to the reunion. I felt angry that I had
ever allowed myself to feel rejected by my birthmother. I felt angry about how
my birthmother had arrived at her decision to give me up for adoption. I asked
myself, "How dare she feel sad that she "gave me up" for
adoption when it was her choice and decision to "give me up in the first
place!" I also felt upset that some questions I had were left unanswered.
I had no other way to find these answers and didn't know what to do with these
emotions. I felt guilty about feeling angry or sad or frustrated about any of
this. I felt guilty that my adoptive parents had to experience any discomfort
and pain surrounding my need to know more about my birthmother and myself.
Anger, often accompanied by guilt, is a familiar feeling to an
adoptee intent on coming to terms with his past. As adults, our patterns
of behavior and ways of handling these powerful emotions have often become
ingrained. The roots of the anger and the overlapping layers of guilt,
frustration, confusion, and more anger may be hard to untangle. This is where
the help of a good therapist may become necessary. I did not feel the need for
therapy until long after the reunion visits were over. I knew, however, that I
would not be able to really get on with life until I sorted out these anger and guilt issues and put them to rest.
Bargaining Away the
Impact of Reality: The Third Stage
My first response to all the anger and guilt that had been dredged up was to
pretend that I didn't have them. When I could not do this any longer, I
bargained with myself to allow a certain amount of time to have these feelings
after which I was going to shelve "this birthmother issue" and move
on with my life. I decided I would take the next three months during which I
would recopy my journals from the reunion visits and organize my birth family
photo album, and that this "work" would "get it all out of my
system. "As It turned
out, I found I couldn't rationalize away the strong impact that the reunion
actually had on my life. In fact, I came to a point when I was experiencing a
lot of sadness and depression about the reunion the longer I thought about it
all. I thought I was supposed to feel happy and complete, no one had told me
that I'd still be feeling all this! My "schedule" hadn't worked. My
bargaining had been no good.
Sadness and
Depression" The Fourth Stage
Ironically, once I began to "let" myself feel very sad and depressed,
I realized that I would be able to put the whole reunion to rest. By
"allowing" myself to fully experience the pain and acknowledge the
very real feelings of loss, I knew I would come out feeling stronger and more
whole in the end. Somehow the depth of the feelings I had during the next six
months are hard to describe. I felt sad thinking about how my birthmother
suffered the loss of a child in her life. I felt devastated to realize she was
the kind of person she was and not as I had imagined her. I grieved about the
kind of life she could have had but did not. I felt frustrated and upset
knowing I might never find the answers to the questions still unanswered by my
birth family. I also grieved for my adoptive mother, especially about any pain
I may have caused her by completing the reunion. Lastly, I was sad for the
little girl inside me that once felt so very rejected
by my birthmother. But the very fact that I had finally allowed myself to
identify these feelings and recognize them as a real and valid response to my
situation, meant I was well on my way to accepting the tremendous change that
had occurred in my life -- a change that was irreversible.
Acceptance: The
Fifth and Final Stage
After a full year had passed since my reunion with my birthmother, I felt I
knew a lot more about myself and about my birthmother. I had become aware of
her weaknesses and problems, as well as her strengths and achievements, and
I accepted the consequences of the choices she had made in her life and could
now live with them. The places she will have in my life and I will have in hers
were clarified for us after much discussion and, at
times, tensions or silences. Consequently, I now can accept our relationship on
a level of intimacy that I know we both can handle. I accept that my
birthmother cannot fulfill the image of the woman I wanted or wished her to be.
I am at peace with unanswered questions. I accept and am secure about what my
adoptive parents offer and give to me. They give to me not because I am their
adopted child, but because I am ME! With the integration of the birthmother
reunion into my life and the new acceptance of myself
as a whole, integrated person, many other related issues were resolved. One of
them was my own future as a mother. Until I went through the entire
reunion-recovery process, I could not even contemplate having a family of my
own.
Though I completed the
search and reunion over seven years ago, the self-discovery and honest
acceptance of myself and my birthmother have enabled me to become a better
mother to my two children. This fact alone has made the whole painful process
immensely worthwhile. There are many adoptees who may
never get to the point of a face-to-face meeting with their birthmother. But
even when an actual reunion with the birthmother never takes place, the adoptee
may still be challenged with the task of working through the stages of the
recovery process. For example, my brother, also adopted, located his
birthmother, but she was not at all receptive to having any kind of contact
with him whatsoever. Even though this was as far as he could take his search,
and no reunion was ever made (nor ever will be), he still had to go through the
process of accepting that his birthmother had no interest. He had to come to
terms with the limited information he had about his birth family. He had to
come to terms with the place his birthmother would have in his life and he in
hers. After pretending that it had no effect on him, my brother began to feel
angry that she wanted nothing to do with him. After thinking of various ways to
gain her interest and trying many ways to contact her (while still protecting
her privacy), he decided that "enough was enough" and that her desire
for continued privacy needed to be respected. He felt very sad and depressed
that this was as far as he would be able to go. Finally, he accepted her
disinterest and realized that the best thing for both of them would be to
accept the situation as it was and move on with other life tasks. His
"farewell" to his birthmother was a long, autobiographical letter of
assurance to put to rest any lingering concern she might still have about his
well-being.
Conclusion
When an adoptee finishes this reunion-recovery
process, which may take several years, he can begin to integrate the feelings
and thoughts stirred up by the upheaval of the reunion. Part of this includes
giving the old feelings of rejection less power over his present life and
diffusing the anger once buried and now exposed. Eventually he learns to
understand and accept what gifts birthparents and his adoptive parents have
given him.
For an adoptee who has completed the reunion-recovery process, it is no
longer a question of choosing or rejecting the gifts of one family over
another. The gifts of genetics, both the talents and the troubles, and the
sense of continuity in the birth family tree are the result of the difficult
and painful struggle that the adoptee has chosen to experience. At the same
time the adoptee has the unique experience of being loved and cared for by the
adoptive family who provide the sense of security, structure, acceptance, and
stability. Once I knew what part of me was "nature" (my genetic
heritage) and what was "nurture" ( the
environment provided by my adoptive parents), then I discovered the strength
and essence of who I really am.
Grand Canyon 2005 – Photo taken by Karen D. Sterner
Call for Content
PARR
would like to hear from you. If you have
a story, experience, poem, search advice to search advise,
photos or words of wisdom to share, please email PARR at karkan@comcast.net.
Next
deadline is August 15, 2005.
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To
obtain listings in ALL 50 states for the Blue Page
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interested in assisting to change the adoption laws in PA
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PARR by ordering items with Amazon.com via the PARR website. Visit the PARR website, click on the Amazon
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PARR does not endorse or support
any one organization. PARR is a meant to
be an additional resource for the adoption community to utilize available
resources before, during, and after a search is completed as well as throughout
the adoption journey
.
The views expressed
by the authors are solely their own, and for which the authors are responsible.
These views do not necessarily represent the views of the PA Adoption Reunion
Registry.
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Snickers aka PARR mascot enjoying the sun
on a beautiful Spring Day in May 2005
Can you help?
Pennsylvania-born adopted
adults should have the same right as non-adopted adults to obtain a copy of
their original birth certificate. However,
under the current adoption laws in Pennsylvania, they
are denied this right. We need your help
to correct this injustice.
Triad members – birth parents,
adoptive parents, and adoptees - live with relinquishment and adoption every
day. Working together, we can make a
difference. At this time we are reaching
out to birth mothers in particular. When
you signed the consent to place your child for adoption, was there any language
in the consent document promising you confidentiality? To the best of our knowledge, no such promise
was ever made in writing. We need to
collect copies of as many relinquishment papers as we can to show legislators
that no such promise of confidentiality exists in writing. You can help us by sending a copy of your
consent or relinquishment papers to me at the address below. If you don’t have a copy of your papers, you
can contact the agency that handled the adoption and request a copy. No
identifying information will be disclosed without obtaining your prior
permission.
We need triad members and
others who are able to donate time, talent, and energy in a variety of areas
such as writing letters, lobbying legislators, public relations, and a number
of other tasks to support legislation to provide adult adoptees with a copy of
their original birth certificate. Please
call to find out more about how you can help.
The number is:
610-948-1322. I look forward to hearing
from you.
Karen D. Sterner
PA Adoption Reunion
Registry
304
S. Haverfield Drive
Spring
City, PA 19475
