HEADLINES

HEADLINES

Here are my attempts at topical humor. In each case, the headline is real, while the sub-headline is the product of my fevered imagination. My apologies in advance to any and all offended parties.

ASHCROFT TO HAVE GALL BLADDER SURGERY
Doctors: AG's Gall Level Won't Be Affected
(3/9/04 Associated Press)

BUSH ADMINISTRATION CONCERNED ABOUT GASOLINE PRICE
Should Be Much Higher, Oil Heir Says
(3/4/04 Reuters)

SCHWARZENEGGER WON'T CONDUCT OWN PROBE
"I'm Not That Kind Of Boy!" Governor Insists
(12/9/03 Associated Press)

DISNEY POWER STRUGGLE GROWS
Mickey Ousted in Proxy Vote; Goofy Ascendant
(10/28/03 Associated Press)

'PRICE IS RIGHT' ANNOUNCER ROD RODDY DIES
Come On Down! Satan Says
(10/28/03 Associated Press)

WATER WORKS SALE MIGHT BE NEAR
Reading Railroad, Baltic Avenue Also On Block
(10/28/03 Joliet Herald-News)

GIANT SEA SPECIMEN BAFFLES SCIENTISTS
In Other News, Dom Deluise Reported Missing
(7/2/03 MSNBC)

TROOP CALL-UPS LEAVE SHORTAGES AT HOME
Bush Heralds Dramatic Drop In Unemployment
(1/30/03 USA Today)

BUSH ENLARGES CASE FOR WAR BY LINKING IRAQ WITH TERRORISTS
Connections to Hitler, Ivan The Terrible Still Being Developed
(1/30/03 New York Times)

STUDY SUGGESTS ORANGUTANS ARE CULTURED
Despite Overwhelming Tendency To Vote Republican
(1/3/03 Associated Press)

SUPREME COURT TO REVIEW WEB PORN CASE
And Review, And Review, And Review
(11/12/02 Chicago Tribune)

TWO DEAD IN OKLAHOMA SHOOTING SPREE
Networks "Disappointed" Shooter's Identity Already Known
(10/28/02 New York Times)

WALL STREET FUNK MAY LINGER
James Brown, George Clinton Gigs Extended
(10/7/02 Chicago Tribune)

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