Welcome to Larry's Lounge
POLICE HUMOR PAGE
Last updated: September 13, 2009
Although it is not our intention to insult or inflame anyone,
some of the jokes may inadvertently offend certain individuals.
If you offend easily please do not go any further.
ASSORTED COP JOKES
A Gun Refresher Course
A. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
B. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
C. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
D. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
E. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
F. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
G. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
H. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
I. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
J. The United States Constitution 1791. All Rights Reserved.
K. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
L. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
M. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
N. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
O. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
P. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
Q. 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
R. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
S. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
T. If guns cause crime, then matches cause Arson.
U. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
V. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
W. Enforce the "gun control laws" in place, don't make more.
X. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
Y. The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.
Z. " . . . a (system) governed by the people, for the people . . .
Rules So Not To be Shot By The Police
1. Don't commit a crime.
It seems rather elementary, Sherlock, that crime is a high-risk
occupation/recreational pursuit, but that seems to escape some folks.
They do a crime, get shot and wonder how this could possibly happen.
So don't beat your spouse. Don't rip off a convenience store.
Don't do a drive-by shooting. Don't get spaced out on drugs.
Don't sell drugs. Don't do a hit and run. Don't get drunk and go for
a spin in your car. Don't get in a fight. In case you've missed it,
crime makes cops think you're not such a good person.
Society expects cops to go after you. With loaded guns!!!
2. If you ignore rule No. 1 and they find you, don't try to flee.
This just makes them think you're even a badder guy. Don't try to escape.
Don't run red lights or ignore stop signs. Don't race through residential
neighborhoods where children are playing or speed down crowded freeways.
Don't sneak into some innocent person's home or backyard.
Don't hide in the bushes or in a closet or under the back porch.
Makes cops think you're up to no good.
3. If you disregard rules 1 and 2, and they still catch up to you,
don't disobey a cop's orders. Do exactly as he or she says.
Don't make fast movements with your hands. Don't reach under your seat.
Don't go for your coat pocket. Don't grab a shiny beer can or a tire
iron or, for heck's sake, a toy gun. Do exactly what you're told.
To do otherwise makes cops really edgy.
4. If you're boneheaded enough to disregard rules 1, 2 and 3
and you're still alive and somehow manage to get a gun or knife in
your hand, don't point the gun at anyone. Don't act aggressively.
Don't wave the knife around. Don't lunge at an officer. Don't shout
that you want to die and you're going to take a few cops with you.
This really gets them riled up.
5. If you've disobeyed rules 1, 2, 3 and 4, and amazingly,
you're still breathing, don't expect your friendly neighborhood cop
to be an instant psychiatrist. Don't expect him or her to understand
that you're basically a nice person who's had a really bad day and
this is just your way of crying out for help. Don't expect a cop
to feel sorry that your wife left you, your dog growled at you and
you're tired of the lousy weather. Don't expect him or her to empathize
with your bad childhood or that society has done you a raw deal.
If you get to rule No. 4 and you violate it, you won't have time
to think about rule No. 5, because you'll be dead or seriously injured.
So think about it in advance. Cops aren't psychiatrists. We can't expect
them to analyze a fleeing, gun-wielding criminal and conclude he's
really just a lost soul trying to communicate his angst to the world.
We expect them to react to an immediate threat and not worry about
what's going on inside a person's head. Most shootings do follow,
at least roughly, some part of the pattern described above. So I have a
hard time criticizing an officer who must make a split-second decision
in a terribly dangerous situation. Even if the officer makes a mistake,
even if the person didn't really have a weapon, even if the person isn't
a hardened criminal but a petty teenage thief, I can't fault the officer.
It's pretty simple. If you don't want to get shot by a cop,
don't commit a crime. Don't run. Don't disobey. If you do those things
and you end up with a bullet hole, whose fault is it?
If we take crime seriously, cops have to play for keeps. Personally,
I'm awfully glad the police officers are out there going after the bad guys.
MP and St. Peter
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a piss, watch the gate will ya?"
While a marine recon platoon was on patrol, a Lieutenant noticed a lone Military
Policeman standing on a hilltop in their area. The Lieutenant told two of his
men to go take out the MP. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward
the MP. Just before they got to the top, the MP ran over the other side
of the hill. The two marines followed. For the next few minutes there
were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then, as quick as it had started,
it stopped and the MP came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his BDUs,
straightened his hat, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the
marines. The Lieutenant, pissed now, called for a squad to go get the MP.
They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the MP.Just
before they got to the top, the MP ran over the other side of the hill.
The marine squad followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody
screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started,
it stopped and the MP came up on the hilltop.He brushed
off his BDUs, straightened his hat, crossed his arms and stood there looking
at the marines. The Lieutenant was really hot now. He ordered the rest
of his platoon to attack the MP. Determined that Recon was far superior
to one lone MP, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill.
Just before they got to the top, the MP ran over the other side of
the hill. The Marine's followed. For many minutes there were bloody screams
and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued. Finally there was
one lone marine crawling back to the Lieutenant, all bloody and beaten
about the head and shoulders. His BDUs were torn, cuts were all
over his body. The Lieutenant asked for a report. The lone marine,
bloody and beaten replied in a forceful and fearful voice;
"Sir, run, it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!!"
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench.
One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered
"It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution
and there hanged by the neck until DEAD." The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge,
at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've just always wanted to say that."
Excerpts from "You Might Be A Cop If..."
You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.
You identify a negative "teeth to tatoo" ratio just by looking at a person.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time."
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.
You have ever had to put the phone on hold, so you could laugh uncontrollably.
You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker
and shout "they've come to get you, bill or fred, or whoever."
People shout "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room
and they think it's original and hugely funny.
A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says
"I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball."
The trooper responded that "Troopers don't have balls, maam." After he realized what he said,
he simply walked back to his car and drove off. Even cops don't win them all.
A dirtbag breaks into a house and hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you."
He freezes up for a second, takes a look around and when he didn't see anybody,
reaches for the VCR and hears the voice again say "Jesus is watching you." He looks around
again and notices a parrot over in the corner of the room. He reaches for the VCR
again and the parrot says "Jesus is watching you." He walks over to the parrot
and asks it what it's name was. The parrot told him "Moses."
The criminal asked the parrot what kind of idiot named a parrot Moses.
The parrot said "The same kind of idiot that would name a doberman Jesus."
...and I can't get Up!
Question : How many policemen does it take to throw someone down a flight of stairs?
Answer: None, He fell!
Stop or Slow Down
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief
explaining that he did stop. After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that
he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said "Stop or slow down,
what's the difference?" The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about
a minute and then said "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?"
Best Police Department
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country,
the President narrowed the field to three finalists,
the CIA, the FBI, and the Police Dept of a major city (pick one).
The three remaining contenders were given the task of
catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.
The CIA went into the forest.
They placed animal informants throughout.
They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigation
they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI went into the forest.
After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest
killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
They made no apologies.
The rabbit deserved it.
The City PD went into the forest.
They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".
SAD BUT TRUE
Olmsted Township, Ohio
Olmsted Township's police chief was & charged with
public indecency after allegedly being found in a park
engaging in masturbation with another man.
A 13-year-old boy was charged in juvenile court with 128
felonies, including burglary, theft, and witness intimidation.
A man tried to rob a bank but tellers' cash drawers were
empty. The sad part was he threatened to file a complaint
with bank management before leaving.
Officers are required to make sure no air cartridges are
loaded before testing a Taser at the start of each shift.
Well one officer didn't follow protocol, shocked himself
in the hand, and was later reprimanded.
New Bedford, Massachusetts
A man used a torch hooked up to a 20-pound propane
cylinder to melt the ice on his back porch and ended up
setting his house on fire when he got too close to the
building's wood frame and ignited the vinyl siding.
A 13-year-old student was arrested after passing gas. The
report states the boy disrupted his classroom environment
by deliberately breaking wind & then turning off classmates'
computers. He was charged with disruption of school function.
Two men were cited for drunken driving in one traffic stop.
While the driver was performing a field sobriety test, the
passenger slid behind the wheel, started the truck and
began to drive off. Both failed field sobriety tests.
East Meadow, New York
Police on Long Island pulled two drunken drivers from one car.
They spotted a woman trying to make a three-point turn on a
road & when she couldn't complete the maneuver, she switched
places with a male passenger, who took the steering wheel and
completed the turn while not wearing a seat belt. Police pulled
them over and charged them with drunken driving.
Thomas Township, Michigan
A Michigan man was arrested after "receiving
sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.
Providence, Rhode Island
Rhode Island police arrested man with .491 blood alcohol
level after he drove into a highway message board on I95.
In Rhode Island a blood alcohol (BAL) of .3 is classified
as "stupor," .4 is "comatose" and .5 is deemed fatal.
Highland Township, Michigan
Two men, both in their early twenties, were on the same road
when they both lost control of their cars and simultaneously drove
into the same business. Both men also face drunk driving charges.
Two men and one woman tried to rob a pizza restaurant. It turns
out that the clerk on duty was married to one of the robbers and
the other two were her parents. The identity of the robbers was
discovered after another clerk knocked off the wig & sunglasses
of one of the robbers. The clerk was not charged.
A 41 year old father felt he was too drunk to drive so he had his
13 year old son, who was also intoxicated, drive instead. Police
found open containers of beer and liquor & both are facing charges.
Port St. Lucie, Florida
A 19 year old college student was arrested & charged with DUI
after driving into the sally port of the Port St. Lucie police station
& almost into a police sergeant. The student told police he thought
he was in Fort Pierce on a college campus, where he needed to
drop off a class paper. FYI, his BAL was 0.21 percent.
A man shot a hole through the wall of his house while trying to
install wiring for satellite tv. He fatally shot his wife in the process.
Somewhere in America
A teenager received serious head wounds by trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A woman deposited more at her Credit Union than she
planned to. Her deposit envelope contained money and
a bag of methamphetamine. She was later arrested.
A volunteer firefighter was arrested after making false 911
calls, reporting fires and wrecks, because he was bored.
A 66 year old man was trying to loosen a stubborn lug nut
on his car so he shot the wheel with a 12-gauge shotgun.
He injured both legs and his chin. No he was not drunk.
Sierra Vista, Arizona
214 pounds of marijuana were found in the trunk of a 62
year old grandmother's car. She reportedly was running
drugs to support her bingo habit.
A man required several days in the hospital and a tracheotomy
after being bitten in the mouth by his pet rattlesnake. He had put
the snake in his mouth to prove to his friends it was safe.
Yes, alcohol was involved.
A German man took his driving test while drunk - three times over
the legal limit. He was so out of it the examiner guided him to the
police station without his being aware. Needless to say he failed
his test and was arrested.
A former drug agent once seen as one of the nation's best has
apparently switched sides. He is now using his abilities to
make a video on how to hide drugs and fool the police.
A 21 year old man awaiting trial on charges of child enticement and
first-degree sexual assault of a child cut off his electronic monitoring
bracelet. The reason - to appear on the Jerry Springer show.
Little Rock, Arkansas
A woman had a court appearance for driving under the influence and
arrived drunk (BAL 0.147). The was her fifth such charge in one year -
and third in less than one month.
Milan, New York
A former fire chief was blamed for setting nine brush fires in three months.
He was also a founding member of the fire department.
A federal drug agent was giving a gun safety presentation to children.
During the demonstartion he shot himself in the leg.
Moss Bluff, Florida
A man used a sledgehammer and a claw hammer to
beat his roommate to death. The fight allegedly happened
because there was no toilet paper in the house.
A French fireman, well known to reporters for discussing recent
forest fires in Southern France, admitted to starting seven of the fires.
He may have started more.
A police officer committed armed robbery of a bank, investigated
the crime himself, and stated that there were no clues as to who did it.
He later confessed.
Delray Beach, Florida
A student cop was busted for arranging a date with a who he thought
were a 14 year old and her mother. In actuality he had been
chatting with a Detective. During the chats the student cop had
sent pornographic pictures and expressed a desire to experience incest.
Kansas City, MO
A mother is requesting compensation for her son's death,
which occurred at his place of employment.
Her son killed three co-workers before
shooting himself in a workplace rampage.
A German fireman admitted committing more than 30 acts
of arson so he could fight more fires. The 32-year-old
had caused a series of mysterious fires over a 12-year period,
resulting in damage totaling around $172,000. He set fire to one
particular sheep stall on three separate occasions.
In nearly every instance the man helped combat the fires.
A man wearing a New York State corrections department uniform
showed up for work at the maximum security Sing Sing prison.
He stated that he was a new employee and had transfer papers.
Some staff were suspicious of his ID card and uniform. When
he went to get his paperwork from his car, he never returned.
Police are investigating why he was trying to get into Sing Sing
. . . a place better known for people trying to get out.
Two robbers got more than they bargained for while trying to
burglarize a minivan. The van they were breaking into was occupied
by a police officer on undercover surveillance. It turns out that
Transit Police were watching this particular parking lot after receiving
numerous reports of items being stolen from their cars. Stolen
stereo equipment and burglary tools were later found in the men's car.
N Miami Beach, FLorida
A robber pulled out a semiautomatic pistol, handed a bag to a
bank teller, and demanded money. After getting the bag back
he put his gun back into his pocket and that is when it fired.
It is believed that he shot himself. The robber then ran outside
and was struck by a van. He was helped out from under the
van and escaped into a waiting car. He was later arrested.
Los Angeles, California
A carjacker punched the driver of a Nissan, pulled him
out of the car, and then drove away with a female
passenger. He pushed the woman out of the car
after trying to steal her purse.
The suspect apparently was trying to ditch the first vehicle
and steal another when he approached the wrong car . . .
a minivan with a judo team inside. More specifically, a
co-ed team from Florida International University (Miami).
The carjacker demanded money from one of the students
and a scuffle ensued. The other students piled on and
subdued the suspect in a body hold until police arrived.
Miami Beach, Florida
Florida police have arrested a man in connection with a
shooting after he turned up for jury duty. Officers who
arrived to arrest him at his home were told his father
had just taken him to court. The 19-year-old was
found at the Miami Beach courthouse and summoned
to the front desk. Detectives arrested him and he's been
charged with attempted murder. Police Captain Tom
Hunker told the Miami Herald: "He went there to do his
civic duty. We followed him and did ours."
Fort Collins, Colorado
A man was charged with robbing the same 7-Eleven twice in one
day. He told the clerk after the second holdup that he would be
back in a few hours to rob the place a third time. True to
his word, he returned and was arrested by detectives
who were still in the store investigating the second robbery.
A man went to a courthouse on official business. He
attempted to pass through the metal detector, but it went off.
He was ushered back through and handed the deputy his
keys, jackknife, and pocket change. It still went off. He then
handed over an enormous metal belt buckle and tried again.
Again the alarm went off. At that point, he threw up his hands
and told the deputy: "I give up. The bag of dope's in my pocket."
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
A man had just bonded out of jail and was in a big hurry to get
home. He hadn't gone very far before he was angered by a slow
moving van on the highway. He veered in front of the van, making
obscene gestures at the occupants and generally harassing them.
When the van pulled into a parking lot, he wheeled up beside them
and jumped out of the car. Unfortunately for him, the occupants of the
van also got out. All seven of them. Members of the Oklahoma City
Police Department's Tactical Unit in full riot gear. A check of his
car turned up some crack cocaine and he got a quick ride back to jail.
A white powder was found by a cleaning maid in a room
at Holiday Inn, who thought it was anthrax, so she called in
the police. When police arrived they discovered about 160
packages of coke worth about $8,000 in the room. The men
who were renting the room, were arrested when they returned.
A local crack dealer, who commonly ran from officers just long
enough to ditch or swallow his dope, fled for the last time.
Officers were responding to a call from a gas station attendant
that overheard the subject talking about receiving a quantity of
crack. As an officer pulled into the gas station, the suspect fled
around the corner and over a fence. As the pursuing officer
jumped the fence, he found the subject lying face down in a
parking lot. He had urinated in his pants and was gasping
for breath. An ambulance was called; however,
the subject was pronounced DOA at the hospital.
During an autopsy, the medical examiner found a baggie
containing 5 grams of crack lodged in the suspect's windpipe.
About a month later, another subject fled the same parking lot
and jumped the same fence. As he landed on the other side,
he broke both his lower legs bones just above the ankle.
He was arrested with 15 grams of crack cocaine.
Officers have dubbed the fence the "widow maker"
and are trying to determine if an inanimate
object can be awarded a medal for crime fighting.
Long Island, New York
In a poorly judged attempt to convince his wife he was sober enough
to drive, a 29-year-old husband pulled up to a State Police barracks
in his pickup truck, parked illegally, and demanded a sobriety
check. He failed the Breathalyser test and was taken into custody.
"Basically," an amused Sergeant explained, "his wife won the argument."
A Cleveland drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a
limousine for a big night on the town. His first stop was at a
posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential
individual. Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing
his wealthy customer, the crook handed a camcorder to the limo
driver and asked him to record the event for posterity.
The driver, a moonlighting member of the
Cleveland Police Department, was happy to comply.
During his show, a comedian stated that he had robbed three banks.
The owner called police and the comedian was later convicted.
Police found they had been called by a parrot when
they rushed to respond to an emergency 999 telephone call.
Peering through the window of the house from which call was made,
police spotted a cocaktiel standing on the push button phone with the
receiver off the hook lying next to it. No one else was in the house.
"It is not unusual to receive silent 999 calls, but this is the first time we have been
called by a parrot," Superintendent Martin Harding said of the incident.
A police officer who regularly lectured addiction counselors on the dangers of illicit
drugs proved that actions speak louder than words when he was found dead of a
heroin overdose. He had taken heroin and cocaine from police exhibits "without filing
the proper forms" and apparently overdosed while experimenting with the narcotics.
A south Florida motorist is accused of slashing another man in the neck
with a machete during an altercation on a highway.
The incident began when the driver of a Mercedes began arguing
with a man in a sport utility vehicle. Both pulled over.
The Mercedes driver took a machete from the trunk of his car.
When passenger in the SUV approached the Mercedes, the
Mercedes' driver allegedly swiped him with the machete
and cut a gash in his neck.
A couple of Ft. Hood soldiers decided to "help" the
Military Police. Instead, they helped themselves to some jail time.
While performing security checks on a building these would-be
thieves found that a door was left unlocked. After investigating
they discovered several thousand dollars worth of computer
equipment inside.They promptly went for a truck to load up their
new found treasure and carted them off to a pawn shop.
What they forgot to do was remove the information on
the computers. The pawn shop owner turned the computers
on and then picked up the phone to place two calls.
The first was to the police, the second was to the
Military unit that was listed on the opening display of
the computer. Because the thieves were from the unit
listed it was a simple matter to find out who they
were by just checking the duty roster for who was
on duty the day the computers were reported missing.
July 15, 1999 (Tennessee): Seven Sequoyah Volunteer Fire Department
firefighters decided to impress their Chief by surreptitiously setting
fire to a house, then heroically extinguishing the blaze.The men
apparently hatched the plan in order to help Daniel, a former
firefighter, return to duty. Unfortunately, Daniel's career plans
were irreversibly snuffed when he became trapped while pouring
gasoline inside the house. Surrounded by smoke and flames, he was
unable to escape, and died inside the burning house on June 26.
His six accomplices are facing 87 years in prison
for conspiracy, arson, and burglary.
The L.A. Downtown News reported that a woman in her late-60's
walked into a downtown bank, produced a handgun from her purse,
and froze everyone in the branch, shouting, "This is a robbery!
Give me the money or I'll shoot!" But the thing that sets
this lady apart from your average bank robber is the fact
that she was pointing the gun at her own head. According
to the report in the paper, the lady who tried to rob the
bank was simultaneously arrested and rescued by the LAPD.
Boynton Beach, Florida
For their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy, Michael Harrison
and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder.
Redondo Beach, CA
After a short chase, officer Joseph Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda
with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the
upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked
the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."
The Ann Arbor News reported that a man failed to rob a Burger King
because the clerk told him he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
So the man ordered onion rings, but the clerk informed him
that they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated robber left.
Vanuatu, South Pacific
The entire 300-men-strong police force of the island nation was arrested after
kidnapping a visiting politician from Australia and attempting to use the hostage
as leverage in a dispute with the government concerning overtime pay.
MORE TRUE STORIES
An intoxicated man tried to speak with his brother who had
been arrested. He then asked if he could join his brother if
he attacked the officer. Although warned it wouldn't be wise
he did it and he got what he wished for.
A man made sure a pair of burglars didn't get away with his
belongings by stealing their getaway car. While in his basement,
the homeowner heard the burglars upstairs. He called 911,
snuck out of his house, and drove the burglars' van down the
street. They had left the keys in the ignition.
Albany, New Hampshire
A man was arrested after a teenage girl found him staring at
her from below an outhouse seat. He was in the waste tank.
Montgomery Township, New Jersey
A bank alarm sounded, the area was sealed off, three nearby
apartment buildings were evacuated, & there was a standoff.
When the SWAT team finally entered the bank, they discovered
the person they saw was actually a full-size cardboard figure.
San Clemente, California
After receiving an anonymous call police followed a trail of
blood to a man who was bleeding from his hands and arms.
He told investigators he was stabbed by a former friend. He
had actually used a shard of glass to inflict the wounds on
himself in an attempt to get an ex-friend in trouble.
Daytona Beach, Florida
A Daytona Beach police officer demanded free drinks from
a Starbucks, visiting the store as many as six times a night
while on duty. He also threatened employees with slower
emergency response times if they refused.
Millbrook, New York
A man was charged with driving while intoxicated twice in
one day. The first arrest occurred when he drove to State
Police headquarters to ask for directions. After processing
he was sent to sleep it off but obviously he didn't as he
was again arrested for DWI.
A man was charged with child endangerment, possession
of criminal tools, drug possession, criminal trespass & two
counts each of theft and criminal damage. His arrest was
due, in part, to what he left at the scene of the crime . . .
his 12-year-old son.
A man accidentally shot his accomplice during a bungled
robbery attempt of a security guard. The guard struggled
with the armed man when the aforementioned accomplice
came up from behind and tried to take him down. The
gun fired and the accomplice was shot hit in the eye.
A truck driver's breathalyser test surprised Lithuanian
police when it registered 18 times the legal alcohol limit.
They thought the device was malfunctioning. It wasn't.
A man was arrested for armed robbery & attempted murder
after going to the ER for medical treatment. He accidentally
shot himself in the hip while trying to flee the scene.
Chaparral, New Mexico
Two men were tracing a .357-caliber Magnum for a pattern
for a tattoo. The gun was loaded & they accidentally shot
themselves - one in the hand and one in the arm.
A man had a friend shoot him in the shoulder. Why? To
get some time off work and dodge an upcoming drug test.
A naked man was bit in the genitals by a police dog while
being arrested for running nude and entering homes in a
Minneapolis neighborhood. The dog bit the man to protect
his partner whom the suspect was hitting.
A Reverend was charged with domestic battery after his
wife accused him of grabbing and beating her during an
argument. Even sadder, the Reverend was an anger
management instructor associated with the court system.
La Grange, Kentucky
An inmate being held for a mental evaluation at the Kentucky Correctional
& Psychiatric Center was released recently. This occurred after receipt of
a faxed court order purportedly from the Kentucky Supreme Court. No one
realized the order was phony, despite the fact that the fax came from a local
grocery store, was not on official letterhead, and was rife with grammatical
errors. The error wasn't noticed for two weeks after his release. The man
was apprehended at his mother's home.
A driver wielded a pool cue at a group of bikers, then tried to approach
them on foot, and was hit by his own car (which he had left in reverse).
He was knocked onto the highway and pulled to safety by the bikers
that he tried to attack. The driver said he had been offended by the
skeletons on some of the Harley Davidson leather jackets they wore. He
added that he believed the bikers wanted to seem tough and thought
they were better than him. BTW, the driver was allegedly drunk.
An armed man tried to rob a beauty school and got the surprise
of his life. When he attempted to leave after the robbery the
students attacked. They beat him with a table leg, chairs, curling irons,
and more. The women continued to hold the robber and beat him
until police arrived. As for the he-man . . .
police found him crying, bleeding and wearing soiled pants.
Not sure which section this goes in but wanted it on - serves him right!
A man was shot while trying to shoot seven three-month old puppies.
The man was holding two of the pups when one moved, put it's
paw on the trigger of the .38, and shot him. The pup saved
three siblings and avenged the death of another three.
Officer Thomas D. Mclure
I was a police officer in the small southern town of Gould Arkansas.
I went on vacation back in Sept. of 2000. While I was gone,
my not so smart neighbor that lived in the apartment next to me
decided to go through the attic and enter my apartment. He took
my bowling ball (for what reason I still don't know) and my computer.
He took the $1500 computer system to a Pine Bluff Arkansas pawn shop
pawned it for $200. When the owner of the pawn shop turned the computer on
one of the Icons read "Thomas D. Mclure Gould P.D. traffic accident report."
There was also a security video of the suspect standing at the register
holding my computer. He wasn't hard to find.
Southern Oregon Deputy Sheriff
One night when working patrol in a rural area I observed a car
pass me going the opposite direction. The car had one headlight
and "no" lights on the rear. I stopped the car, explained why I had
stopped him, asked for his driver's license, registration and insurance
information. He told me that his license was in the trunk in his tackle box.
I told him to get it for me, just to be very careful what he came out with.
He was looking at me over his shoulder as he turned the trunk key.
The trunk "popped up" but he caught it before it could hit him.
He realized why it had popped up and threw himself onto the
trunk screaming you can't look in there without a warrant over and over.
Naturally I had thrown myself on top of him and proceeded to handcuff him.
It was very difficult laughing as hard as I was but I was able to get it done.
In a few minutes another officer arrived to assist because I had been out so long.
When I explained to him what had happened he also started laughing uncontrollably.
"Tiny" who is almost seven feet tall was very indignant by this time. I explained
to him that anything I could see from where I had a legal right to be I could
take action on.I informed him he was under arrest and read him his Miranda warning.
He had taken his family and went salmon fishing and caught a large salmon.
After fishing he went into the woods to look for blackberries for a pie.
While looking for berries he found a Marijuana Patch. Without anyone else knowing
he placed all of the "free grass" in his car trunk. But, when he thought he was going
to get a traffic ticket he forgot all about having a trunk full of a controlled substance.
PS: I saw Tiny several days later. He had both eyes blacked, his lips were
both split, and his nose was packed with gauze.I asked him what happened.
He replied he was telling his brother what had happened to him
regarding the marijuana and his brother started beating him.
As it turns out it was his brother's Marijuana patch. Go Figure.
Phoenix Police Officer
I was on patrol in Phoenix, Arizona in the late 80's and responded
to a felony criminal damage call at a social gambling club.
Upon arrival I found that 7 or 8 windshields on vehicles in the parking
lot had been kicked in. It was very apparent that they were kicked
because there was a perfect tennis shoe print in the middle of each
smashed windshield. There were also several on the hoods. The
manager of the establishment told me that a drunk young man had
tried to enter the club but was turned away. He left angry and later,
patrons found their vehicles damaged. After a short search, I
found a young man passed out behind a brick wall across the street
from the club. He was wearing tennis shoes with the same tread
pattern, so I detained him for questioning. He denied any involvement
with the damaged vehicles.We spoke for a few minutes and
apparently he took a liking to me because he suddenly leaned forward
and whispered, "I'm not saying I did it, but, you know, you would
think it would take more than one stomp to break a windshield!"
Memphis Police Officer
When I first got out of the acdemy I was running radar
with a senior officer who was showing me what they didn't teach
in the academy. After only a few moments we clocked a lady
driving 70 mph in a 55mph zone. We pulled out and got
behind her and turned on the blue lights. Finally two miles
down the road she stopped, only because the traffic had
congested in the construction zone. A month later at court the
testimony was given by officers. The judge then asked the
female defendant about her version. Her reply was as follows:
"Well your honor I may have been speeding but the reason
I didn't stop wasn't because I was trying to escape,
but I never did hear the Blue Lights,
so I didn't think they were after me."
While serving as a Military Policeman, aboard Camp Lejeune,
NC, I had the priviledge of breaking in the new rookie.
We were on the road and shortly dispatched to a possible
narcotics call. After searching the room of our suspect the rookie
walked out of the bathroom with a penis pump in his hands and
an excited look on his face, stating "I found the perps bong."
The police were called to a fast food restaraunt on a robbery.
Upon arrival the suspect had fled. Sitting on the counter was the
suspects wallet. Inside the wallet was the suspect's parole ID card.
A K-9 unit tracked the suspect to a nearby residence
where the person pictured on the ID was found. The suspect
was asked for his ID. The suspect said his wallet was
in the bedroom but for some reason could not locate it,
until, that is, the officer showed it to him.
Police in Yorkshire, England conducted a "sting" operation, looking
for people who had been successfully dodging outstanding warrants
for their arrest. The police dressed up as mailmen, and
announced that there was a Christmas package to be picked
up at the post office. When the eager fugitives arrived, they
were picked up instead. All except for one crook, who
was slightly brighter than the rest. He thought it might be
a scam. So he took his notice to the police station.
Anonymous Army Commander
While serving as commander of an Army Air Defense Missle Battery in Germany,
one of my soldiers reported that someone had broken into his locker and
stolen various items including a $250 postal money order made out to a bank.
He had his receipt for the money order which we used
to cancel the stolen money order and have a new one issued.
Several days later he was approached by one of
his "friends" who owed him money.
The "friend" told him he did not have the cash
but he did have it in the form of a money order.
You guessed it, he got his own money order back.
The thief had used whiteout to cover up the bank's address
and put in the orginal owner's name.
It was a very quick cout martial!
Gary Lenon, Mecosta County Sheriff Dept., Michigan
I stopped a car in a rural area of our county for going 80 MPH in a 55
MPH zone. The driver explained that he had a bee flying around his head so he sped
up to 80, hoping that the bee couldn't fly that fast and would not be able to fly out
of the back seat area to get at him.
Sgt Keith Underwood, South Gate PD, CA
This is long but...
We had caught a rape suspect one evening several hours after it occurred. We went by
to get the victim for an ID but she had two children and couldn't leave. I volunteered
to watch the kids while my partner transported. I stood on the balcony of the
apts having a smoke and my attention was drawn to flickering candles below. Through some
mini blinds I could see a man caressing a naked lady. The view was hazy but clear enough
to see what was taking place. As I watched he climbed on top and began making
love to her.. she didn't move. He apparently finished and got up, covering the lady.
He covered the body completely, head to toe, tucking the covers under like he was
wrapping a cadaver. It appeared to me as if I was watching an actual case of
necrophilia, compounded by all the burning candles as sort of a shrine. He then laid
next to the body and began rubbing her body through the covers. She never moved
or showed any signs of response. I thought I was actually witnessing a case of
necrophilia. Upon my partners return, we agreed it needed checking. I knocked on the door
and the man asked who it was. When I uttered the immortal word "POLICE!", he killed
the light and we could hear rummaging around in the apt. Through the partially closed blinds
I could see him moving the body from the bed out of my sight. We banged louder and
ordered him to open the door. Just as I was getting ready to kick the door, it opened
and we went in. No body. This was a motel room so he couldn't have hid the
body that quickly. I went to the bathroom, but nothing. The shower curtain was closed
and I was sure she had to be in there. Pulling back the curtain, nothing! As I turned
back into the hall I saw a large pile of clothes that might conceal a body.
Fearing the worst I pulled some clothes aside and there she was with a big gash
in her side.....the inflatable doll the guy was doing!!!! He panicked when we knocked,
couldn't get the air out quick enough so "killed" her, hiding her body. The
guy was actually doing plastic. Over 10 years and I still laugh about that one.
After stealing a car & gas a man fled from the police. He
later repeatedly called 911 from his cell phone to say he
wouldn't be caught because he was "smarter than the
police." Well he wasn't. He was found & arrested hiding
in someone's shed as they had reported a prowler.
A man escaped from jail by opening a door to the exercise
yard and climbing the outer fence. He then stole 14 packs
of cigarettes from a convenience store and was caught
trying to sneak back in the jail.
A car thief was caught by police after he inadvertently
locked himself in the car he was trying to steal.
A man parked next to an Arkansas sheriff's deputies'
unmarked cruiser at a Starbucks. He was witnessed
taking a sniff of a white substance off of a small spoon
before he went inside. During the ensuing search three
grams of cocaine were found in the vehicle & on him.
A man tried to rob a Chicago bank by handing a teller a
note. The dumb part being it was written on part of his
pay stub. The other half was found outside the front
doors & had his name & address on it.
When arrested for theft a man then stole a photo from
a police bulletin board because he thought it was
"cool" to do so, racking up yet more charges.
Three men decided play chicken one night but they didn't
realize the other car was a police car. A chase ensued and
the men crashed. Two men were hospitalized and the other
was treated and taken to jail. All three were arrested.
Three men tried to steal a recliner from a Goodwill store.
They ran out of gas in the parking lot and were arrested.
Two inmates of a Texas city jail were caught trying to escape
through air conditioning ducts. One inmate was seen on security
video trying to enter the vent. The other inmate crashed through
the ceiling into the police chief's office.
An obviously desperate and/or high man hoping to score some meth
asked police detectives for the drugs. He approached the officers
while they were searching an apartment & questioning the tenant.
He didn't just ask one officer, he asked another after the first said
he couldn't help him. The detectives were not undercover, they
were wearing their badges around their necks and latex gloves.
A man that robbed a convenience store by knife point was recently
arrested. While waiting for the store to be empty he had filled out a
job application and used his real name & a relative's phone number.
A woman was arrested less than an hour later after she attempted
armed bank robbery. Prior to the failed hold up she filled out an
account application, which was later found along with her photo ID.
After being booked & released for burglary a man walked out of
the police station and promptly stole an unmarked police car.
He drove off & was re-arrested after a pursuit.
A hooded man 33 approached a bank teller with a note demanding money.
The teller asked him to remove the hood & he did. Thanks to the clear
picture from the surveillance camera he was later arrested.
West Palm Beach, Florida
A man was released from the County jail and tried to car jack a woman
that pulled into the jail parking lot. He was quickly re-arrested, by a
Police Chaplain volunteer, in part because he couldn't drive a stick
shift. He said he tried to steal the car because he didn't want to walk.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
A man tried to steal hunting knives from a store by hiding them in his
pants. While fleeing he tripped and stabbed himself in his abdomen.
Port St. Lucie, Florida
Two boys, ages 12 and 14, walked into the Port St. Lucie
Police Department and attempted to rob the police station.
The younger one ordered an aide to put up her hands and
to hand over all her money, while pretending to hold a gun
underneath his coat. The older boy was already on probation.
Des Moines, Iowa
A robber left a convenience store with money but forgot his
coat, and with it his W-2 tax form. As the description of the
robber matched that of the person named on the form police are
now looking for this person, who is also on probation for theft.
Two men broke into a building to steal copper only to find
a room full of police officers. The Police K-9 unit happened
to be holding a training session at the time.
Little Rock, Arkansas
A man entered a bank and handed the clerk a note and a bag.
Prior to the robbery attempt, however, he had walked past an
off duty police officer - in uniform - three times.
A man was arrested and charged with armed robbery with a firearm
while wearing a mask after robbing a gas station. He had left a gun
case at the scene of the crime and inside the case, deputies found a
receipt for a new AK-47 assault rifle. The receipt had his name on it.
Chesterfield Township, Michigan
A man tried to use a counterfeit check at Wal-Mart. Why does that make
him a dumb criminal? Well there were police officers in the store as it was
the time of year for their "Shop with a Cop" event. He not only didn't notice
the officers but had also parked near almost 40 marked police cars.
A German burglar didn't just leave his fingerprints at the scene of a
crime - he left part of his finger. The suspect was later apprehended.
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
A criminal shot himself in the foot while trying to rob a bar. The police
found him by following the trail of blood straight to his home. Due to
shooting himself he didn't even steal anything.
Boynton Beach, Florida
A man walked into the police department smoking what appeared to be a cigar.
He had a warrant so was searched and the officers found marijuana. They
then realized he was not smoking a cigar, he was smoking a blount.
Charleston, West Virginia
A female was arrested after reporting that her boyfriend stole her marijuana.
They found him and charged her with possession with intent to sell.
A drunk got more than he bargained for when he pushed his
penis through a woman's fence and her dog bit it.
Police arrested a man and charged him with possession of cocaine
after the manager of a Waffle House told them the man had asked
customers and a waitress to hold onto a plastic bag for him until
police left. The bag contained cocaine.
A man was arrested for possession of cocaine with intent to distribute,
possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession of marijuana
with intent to distribute. The arrest occurred after the man
approached a uniformed Deputy (in a marked patrol car)
and offered to sell him cocaine.
A woman called the police to report that the hitman she
paid to kill her lover's wife failed to carry out the job.
Both the woman and hitman were arrested.
Brooklyn, New York
A man walked into a precinct house and got arrested.
He had stood right next his own wanted poster with his face on it.
He had come to the station to ask about his accomplice who was
arrested earlier. BTW, both men pled guilty to the crimes.
Three robbers tried to rob a seafood restaurant. They were unsuccessful
in their attempts to push and kick open the door . . . maybe
because it was a sliding door. By the way the door
was unlocked and had a sign that said "slide."
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
A couple were surprised when they woke up and found a drunk burglar
dozing in bed with them. The man slept through the sirens and excitement.
He was so drunk it took the officers a few minutes to wake him for his arrest.
Three probation violators hid in an attic to elude police and got the
surprise of their lives...a skeleton. Police had found the hideout and
when opening the hatch heard one criminal shout for help getting out
adding that there was a dead body up in the attic with them.
A man called the police and reported that thieves were trying to break into his
house and steal his cannabis plants. He was found under his bed and arrested.
Three men mistook a MacDill AFB gate for a toll booth,
and tried to drive through and avoid paying to toll.
When they were stopped (at gunpoint) cocaine was in plain view
so the car was searched. Inside the police found rock cocaine,
paraphernalia, and cash. Needless to say all three men were arrested.
Armed with a toy pistol, a would-be robber picked himself
an unlikely target in central Paris . . . a gun shop.
A man walked into a bank and emerged from the bank a few moments
later carrying an undetermined amount of money. A bank employee
followed the man out of the bank and noticed a police van nearby.
Inside were 10 officers, part of increased patrols due to the
anniversary of the World Trade Organization riots. The
man was arrested one minute after the robbery was reported.
A man went to rob a bank but was instead found asleep
in his car after deciding to get some liquid courage.
The police were alerted by someone who noticed that
the parked car had different plate numbers on the front
and back. Beside the would be robber, police found a
knitted cap, a pistol and an empty bottle of schnapps.
The man admitted that he planned to rob the bank
and drank the alcohol to calm his nerves.
Port St. Lucie, Florida
During the early morning of January 23, a former local Sheriff
was awakened by a knock on his door. A young man at the
door told him that his car had broken down and that he
needed help. He was given a portable phone and
made a call from the front yard.
After returning he asked for toilet paper. The former sheriff
was skeptical but complied. When the former Sheriff returned
with the toilet paper he was informed that this was a robbery.
In repsonse to the statement he disclosed his pistol . . . which sent
the would be robber running into the woods. He then called 911.
Shortly after, the former Sheriff received a call from a woman
asking for someone whose name had appeared on her Caller ID
minutes earlier. The former sheriff's phone also had Caller ID
and noted the phone number the woman was calling from.
The number turned out to be the would be robber's home
phone number, and he was arrested moments later.
A lad called 911 to report the shed he was growing
marijuana in was on fire. He got 60 days.
A man went into a hardware store to apply for a job.
After completing his application he went to the section
of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple
guns, and the attendant left for a moment. The guy
stole the guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used
the address on his application to go to his house and arrest him.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Sheriff's deputies were chasing two criminals at a high speed
near Baton Rouge. Despite all their evasive maneuvers, the pair
were unable to shake their pursuers until they made a right turn
down a one way street. That is when the pursuing cruiser rolled
to a stop, the deputies inside laughing loudly. A second later
came the crash . . . as the criminals rammed their getaway car
head on into the gates of the Louisiana State Penitentiary.
Muskegon Heights, Michigan
A suspected shoplifter was found when, after dropping her
purse at the scene of a crime, she called police to claim her
bag. The woman allegedly set off an anti-theft alarm as she
fled a Family Dollar store. She dropped her purse in an
parking lot while being chased. When she went to the police
station to retrieve her lost purse, she was promptly arrested.
A man showed up at the Knoxville, Tennessee police department for a
court ordered safe driving class never made it - he ended up in jail instead.
Police say the man was killing time waiting for the class to begin
by smoking a joint in the police station parking lot. A passing police
cadet smelled the odor of marijuana and approached the man's car.
When he spotted the uniformed cadet, the man backed out of the
parking space so quickly he almost ran over her. The man drove
out of the police lot . . . parked at a bank across the street . . .
then returned to the police department property
for traffic school. He was arrested instead.
Good news for the guy: he wasn't charged with a drug offense.
Bad news: he was charged with aggravated assault with a vehicle.
After being released on bail for an armed robbery, a 35 year-old
Philadelphia man was anxious to get some cash for his drug habit.
Living in an apartment just above a tavern, he decided
to hold up the establishment for an easy payday.
He entered the bar with a gun and demanded the cash.
The bartender obliged and gave him the receipts from the register.
The defendant then fled back upstairs to his residence.
Ten minutes later, police arrived and arrested him at the kitchen
table, counting the money. Unfortunately for him, the
bartender was his also landlord, who identified him at the scene.
Long Beach, California
When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder . . . he peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
A Charleston bank robber's alibi for the crime placed him
in hot water when he claimed to be buying heroin in another
state at the time of the robbery. He gave them a hotel receipt
and police searched the room to find 84 packets of heroin.
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper
then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
Boynton Beach, Florida
The KFC in Boynton Beach was robbed at gunpoint around
10:30 pm on February 4th, 2000. The thieves pistol whipped and
robbed several customers and then fled from the restaurant
with two cash registers . . . and ran right into a patrol car.
The robbers did not pick the most opportune site for
their heist - this particular KFC is right across the street
from the Boynton Beach Police Department. To make
matters worse (for the crooks that is) . . . 10:30 pm is shift
change when as many as 25 officers are at the station.
The two robbers are now in custody.
A Wheeling, West Virginia man was caught after robbing a
bank in Ohio because he called 911 immediately after
the robbery to see if there were any arrest warrants
issued for him yet.
While serving on a county Grand Jury, an officer gave the following testimony:
While patrolling a neighborhood that had received numerous drug related calls,
two plain clothes officers in an unmarked patrol car are flagged down by a pedestrian.
The subject approaches the car and asks, "What are you looking for?"
The officer in the passenger seat responds in street slang by saying,
"lookin' for a twenty ($20 worth of drugs)."
Before the officers have the chance to hide their police radios and badges
that were lying on the front seat, the subject jumps into the back seat of the
patrol car and informs the officers that they would have to drive
him a few blocks away to acquire the drugs.
When they arrived at the location directed by the subject,
he requested they give him the 20 dollars.
One officer tells the subject, "We don't know you. Get the drugs,
and then we'll give you the money."
The subject replies, "You can trust me. Here, take my wallet."
With that, he hands his wallet, including his I.D. to one of the officers,
and leaves to get the drugs.
This brilliant criminal returned with the drugs,
only to find he was going for a longer ride than expected.
"Today I am a Juvenile Detention Officer; but, at the time this happened,
I was serving as a paralegal to an attorney in a prosperous firm.
One of our really intelligent clients was filing for bankruptcy.
Unfortunately, our client just happened to accidentally forget'
about the $185,000 piece of property that she sold to her father
for $1.00 the day before filing her Chapter 7 bankruptcy petition.
When she got to the courthouse, she found
herself being ripped apart by the federal trustee for bankruptcy fraud.
So, believing that she just needed to explain herself' to the judge,
she decided to take the stand in her own defense.
The line of questioning went as follows:"
Q: "Do you know that bankruptcy fraud is a felony?"
A: "Yes I do."
Q: "Have you ever previously been convicted a felony?"
A: "Yes I have."
Q: "How many times have you been convicted of a felony?"
A: "I have been convicted three times."
She then stopped and pondered for about two seconds before continuing:
"And this will be four!"
Needless to say, even the judge was laughing at this point.
An "Einstein protege" had been "casing" a particular bank for several days, waiting
for just the right moment to rob it. He went through the customer line, and
as he walked up to the teller's window, he produced a handgun and announced
in a very loud voice "THIS IS A HOLDUP, NOBODY MOVE!" Much to his
chagrin, the next five people in line at the bank were armed FBI agents on
their lunch break and attempting to cash their paychecks. He quickly surrendered
with no shots fired. His fabulous "casing" job had failed to notice the
FBI Field Office two doors away from the bank.
New Orleans, Louisiana
A would-be bank robber had a little trouble leaving a bank. He ran into the
glass doors on his way out. That wasn't too helpful, since it rubbed off
half of his mask. Yep, that's right, rubbed it off. The need to rob a bank
was apparent, since the robber couldn't afford a traditional mask, he used a bottle
of shaving cream to cover his face. Louisiana maybe on the lower half of the
totem pole for some things, but for stupid criminals, they're not too far from the top.
A guy robbed a bank and got away clean, the next day he came
back to the bank and tried to deposit the money into his account.
Rochester, New York
John Schieman, 37, was charged with robbery, assault and grand larceny after his
intended victim, Robin Van Bortle, 32, beat him with an anti-theft device
known as the Club. She told police she was attaching it to her car steering
wheel in suburban Rochester, New York, when Schieman tried to force
his way into her car, so she "just started to hit him with it."
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her
car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She proceeded
to scream at them, at the top of her voice, that she "knows how to use
it" and that she "will if required, so get out of the car."The four men
didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad,
whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and get into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key
wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four
or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and
drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story
nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end
of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking
by a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.
A man stole another man's car while he was shopping in the local Kroger.
About thirty minutes later the guy who got his car stolen was standing on
the curb in disbelief. The man, who stole the car drove up to him
not knowing it was his car, then proceeded to ask him for directions.
On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery.
This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no
previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice based
on the facts listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patrol car parked at the front door
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired
a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing
him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns,
but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
A man walked into a gun shop and attempted to rob it . . . at knifepoint!
He was shot by 3 different employees of the gun shop who where all armed.
One night in Hopedale, Massachusetts, a drunken criminal decided that he
would shoot at random cars, naked. After shooting at three or four
cars from his front yard, the police were called. He then shot at the police
cruiser that was passing the his yard looking for the house. When the
police stopped and got out, the man, who was too drunk to get away,
got on the back of his trusty German shepherd, in a valiant effort
to get away. At that time the man's dog attacked him while
the police grabbed and cuffed him.
A criminal broke into a guy's house and shoved the old man into
a closet. Unfortunately, he shoved him into the closet that held the
man's gun collection. Last report: the criminal was in critical condition.
A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his
golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the
tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to
demonstrate his swing, which he does, backward! A substantial amount of
narcotics was found in the golf bag.
A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc.
One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to
have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
DARWIN AWARDS & SIMILAR TALES
Ok - so they aren't police jokes but they are VERY funny!
Lake Luzerne, New York
A teenager was putting bullets in a steel vise and whacking
them with a hammer to empty the brass shell casings for
scrap. He was injured in the abdomen.
A 21-year-old man dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the
wind and was sitting in a beach chair at the bottom of the hole
when it collapsed. People on the beach tried to dig him out
but could not reach him. It took rescue workers almost an
hour to free him. He was pronounced dead at a hospital.
A man was driving a van filled with gas tanks and welding
equipment. He lit a cigarette, which ignited the gas fumes
in the vehicle and the van exploded.
A 49 year old jogger who reportedly "totally zoned when
he ran," jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
A 41 year old man died trying to retrieve his car keys. He
drowned in two feet of water when his head got stuck in
the 18 inch wide sewer grate he put his head through.
A man accidentally shot himself to death after being woken up by
his phone ringing. Instead of the phone he grabbed his Smith &
Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
A man accidentally killed himself when his shotgun discharged
shooting him when he used it to break his ex-girlfriend's windshield.
A Croatian was killed while attempting to open a hand
grenade with a chainsaw. He had wanted to retrieve the
explosive to make firecrackers for the New Year's holiday.
A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a
highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously
injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a common place road
accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were
it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by
her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for
food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct
buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
2001 - Runner Up
A 32 year old woman in Florida drowned after driving her car into
a 30-foot canal. She could have saved herself, but she refused
to listen to the 911 operator who urged her to escape,
protesting,"All the water is going to come in!"
A man in Idaho bailed out on his eight passengers and
leapt from his Dodge van when his brakes failed while driving
down a steep mountain road. Too bad he didn't alert the other
passengers to the problem before he took flight so precipitously.
Another passenger was able to bring the vehicle to a stop a short
distance away. The man struck his head on the pavement
and died at the scene. No one else was injured.
2001 - Honorable Mention
A 25 year old man was using a portable miter saw
during a basement renovation job. His attention slipped
and so did the saw, slicing off his hand at the wrist.
As if losing a limb weren't bad enough, the injured man
proceeded to shoot himself in the head a dozen times
with a pneumatic nail gun in an attempt to end his misery.
At least a dozen 1-1/2 inch nails were removed from William's
head and the severed hand was reattached.
2000 - Honorable Mention
A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety
when he played Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol.
Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play
the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol,
unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber
when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of
Russian roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered.
1999 - 3rd Runner Up
The 3rd runner up for 1999 goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain,
who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock . . .
and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
1996 - Winner
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering
metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the
road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled
the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
The lab finally figured out what it was and what had
happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold
of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a
solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
transport planes and an extra "push" for taking off
from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out
into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road.
Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped
in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the
operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a
distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was
determined by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that
location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached
maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach
speeds well in excess of 350 miles per hour and continuing
full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon
to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually
reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically
causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for
about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and
completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber
marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an
additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height
of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the
crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a
piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
July 15, 1999 (Alabama): A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries
sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther
than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal
guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva.
In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing,
which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip
slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military
specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment
and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
A man from the Great White North decided to out do himself
Halloween evening. He selected the scariest costume imaginable --
a mummy costume. A mummy costume made of cotton fluff gauze.
He wrapped and wrapped and wrapped . . . and finally exhausted
by his wrapping experience, sat down for a satisfying Lucky
Strike cigarette. While lighting the cigarette the gauze caught fire
adjacent to the cigarette. The mummy ignited like a torch.
Neighbors were unable to extinguish the flames and in moments the
mummy --- was.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
According to police in Dahlonega, GA, an ROTC cadet was stabbed
to death in January by fellow cadet who was trying to prove
that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several
years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell an
attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County
man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday
night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor,
19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor
was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly.
He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
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