Funny Stuff

As reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Confessions Of A Drunk

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'; there's no paper on this side either."

A Little "Fore"-Play

A group of women are playing golf one morning. The first of the women teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed to the man and immediately began to apologize. "I am so sorry! Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I might be able to ease the pain if you let me try!"

"Oomph, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine... in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still holding his hands together at his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

After moving his hands away, she loosened his pants, and put her hand inside. She then began to gently massage his crotch and after a few moments she asked "There, now! How does that feel? Any better?"

To which he replied "Aw! It feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Interesting Occupation

This I Gotta See!

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."

That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. Then he said, "Look, let's both get on top and give it a try."

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"

Church Bulletin Bloopers

• This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized in both ends.
• Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk come early.
• Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
• A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Kids And Cliches

A group of fourth graders was given the beginning phrases to some well known cliches and asked to complete each phrase. Here's what they came up with:

• The grass is always greener... when you leave the sprinkler on.
• A rolling stone... plays the guitar.
• The grass is always greener... when you remember to water it.
• A bird in the hand is... a real mess.
• No news is... no newspaper.
• It's better to light one candle... than to waste electricity.
• It's always darkest just before... I open my eyes.
• You have nothing to fear but... homework.
• If you can't stand the heat,... don't start the fireplace.
• If you can't stand the heat,... go swimming.
• Never put off 'til tomorrow what you... should have done yesterday.
• A penny saved is... nothing in the real world.
• The squeaking wheel... gets annoying.
• We have nothing to fear but... our principal.
• To err is human.... To eat a muskrat is not.
• I think, therefore I... get a headache.
• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and... someone yells, "Shut up!"
• Better to light a candle than to... light an explosive.
• It's always darkest before... 9:30 p.m.
• Early to bed and early to rise... is first in the bathroom.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with... a blister.
• There is nothing new under the... bed.
• The grass is always greener... when you put manure on it.
• Don't count your chickens... it takes too long.

Saved By Scripture
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!” (turn from your sin).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

The police arrived shortly and as the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?, replied the burglar." I thought she said she had an AXE and two 38's!".

Glad To Get Rid Of Her!
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted......

The Search For Spock's Love
This is the audio from the missing Star Trek episode called "The Search For Spock's Love", which aired on February 14, 1969 (Valentine's Day). In this episode, Captain Kirk finds himself mysteriously drawn to Spock. Can Scotty help him snap out of it before he falls victim to a different kind of Vulcan Nerve Pinch?

OK, in case you haven't figured it out yet, this is actually a bunch of clips put together. I came across this file several years ago and don't know who the author is, but they really did a great job. The original file was called Kirk2.Wav. I converted it to MP3 and retitled it. If you happen to know who created it, please let me know. I'd like to thank them and see if they have any more!

Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place, we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door.

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Signed,
Confused

The stop light was red, but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be loosing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and once again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was loosing it.  She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road at the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through.  She turned to
the other woman and said, "Mildred!  Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have had us killed!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh hell, am I driving...?"

     - Unknown

• "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9
• "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." - Stephanie, age 8
• "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." - Lamar, age 10
• "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." - Carrol, age 9
• "Never bug a pregnant mom." - Nicholas, age 11 
• "Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10
• "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." - Heather, age 16
• "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14
• "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." - Joel, age 12
• "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." - Alyesha, age 13
• "Never try to baptize a cat." - Laura, age 13
• "Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11
• "Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10
• "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." - Rob, age 10
• "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." - Hank, age 12
• "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." - Molly, age 11
• "Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." - Chelsey, age 7
• "Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9
• "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." - Phillip, age 13
• "Forget the cake, go for the icing." - Cynthia, age 8
• "Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house." - Joanne, age 11
• "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." - Matthew, age 12

• "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
• "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
• "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
• "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
• "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
• "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
• "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
• "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
• "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
• "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
• "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
• "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
• "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
• "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
• "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
• "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
• "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
• "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
• "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
• "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
• "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
• "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
• "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
• "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
• "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
• "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
• "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
• "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
• "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
• "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
• "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
• "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
• "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
• "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
• "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
• "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."

The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "My goodness! You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"

The young woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am.  How did you know?"

The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

"Now don't you worry, Ma," says Pa, and he leaves for town. Old Pa returns home a few hours later and reports that he'll be getting the first check in about three weeks.

"So how'd ya prove your age?" asks Ma.

"Easy," says Pa, smiling. "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed 'em all the gray hairs on my chest."

"Well, while you were at it," scolds Ma, "why didn't you drop your pants and apply for disability?"

• On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
• On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
• On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
• On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
• On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
• On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
• On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
• On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
• On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
• On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
• On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
• On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food."
• On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control."
• On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."

• I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
• If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your Sister.
• Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
• When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
• Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder-what the f*&! was I thinking?
• As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
• I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
• Sex with you is like using drugs-lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
• They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.
• The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating ass.
• I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
• We have been friends for a very long time. Let's say we call it quits.
• I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
• If you ever need a friend ... buy a dog.
• Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

And for those of you in the South: Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:
"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row ... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died. She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy says, Well, that won't work!" "Why?!" asks his mom. And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

10) Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
 9) Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
 8) Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
 7) Calista Flockheart - Chokes on a ham sandwich
 6) RuPaul - Prostate Cancer
 5) O. J.  Simpson - Murdered by the "real Killer" in an apparent suicide
 4) Madonna - Exposure
 3) Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage".
 2) Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease

And The Number One "PREDICTED"  Most Ironic Celebrity Death is......
 1) Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window

16> We're working on that smell thing, too.
15> Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14> As seen on "COPS"
13> If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
12> Not just for nooners anymore.
11> We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10> You rented the room, now buy the video.
 9> Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
 8> We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
 7> Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
 6> We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery *better*
 5> It's Hookerriffic!
 4> Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
 3> Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
 2> Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
 1> We put the "Ho" in "Motel"

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." 

She says, "I know! And I'm gonna get boobies too!" 

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked,"What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class and the other of the men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2.  They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3.  They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4.  As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1.  No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again doctor."

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.  "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right won't I ?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky.  It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each Person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read  the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The first person will then 
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." "The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."
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STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
-------------------------------------------------------------- 
(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not  before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
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Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!  Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.  My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
---------------------------------------------------------------- 
yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
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Asshole.
 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Bitch