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Book Reviews |  |
| For the Sake of the Children |
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| by Kris Kline and Stephen Pew, Ph.D |
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| The anger and bitterness that accompany a divorce does not magically disappear when the papers are signed. It can linger for years, and cause considerable trauma to the children involved.
For the Sake of the Children addresses this issue in a practical, common sense manner. Author Kris Kline writes from experience, as the divorced mother of two, and uses many examples from her own life to illustrate points. She candidly describes her mistakes and explains the steps she took to correct them. Her tone throughout the book is one of empathy and never lapses into preaching.
A particularly good chapter is Giving Up the Games, which discusses ways divorced parents try to "get even" with each other through their children. Obvious methods (refusing the non-residential parent access to the children, verbal sabotage of the absent parent, etc.) are touched on, but the chapter goes on to outline more subtle "games" and shows that the results are just as devastating. Parents and stepparents alike will find this chapter to be an eye-opener.
The chapter Including Your Ex's New Spouse describes the anger and resentment a parent might feel toward a stepparent, but stresses the importance of this person in the child's life. The natural parent is encouraged to consider the position of the stepparent, and the author's description of stepparenting is remarkably insightful.
Several chapters contain exercises designed to help the reader improve communication skills, find a "safe" outlet for anger and frustration, and improve confidence. In the chapter Communicating Without Condemning, and exercise called "Mental Circuit Breaker" encourages the reader to take control of their negative emotions instead of letting emotions take control of them. Another exercise entitled "To Whom It May Concern" provides a healthy outlet for feelings of rage or resentment. Each exercise reminds the reader that, in order to benefit their children, they must take control of their feelings and deal appropriately with the situation as it is, not as they think it should be.
The authors spoke with dozens of children of divorced parents, ages 10 to 30, and compiled the children's thoughts and experiences in to the chapter The Children Speak. The puzzlement, anger and fear that children experience during an after a divorce is evident even from people whose parents have been divorced for decades. This chapter is touching yet powerful, and proves that it is imperative for divorced parents to get their feelings toward their ex-spouse under control and in perspective, "For the sake of the Children." |
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| Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage and Parenting in the First Decade |
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| by James H. Bray, Ph.D. and John Kelly |
| review by Patricia Schiff Estess |
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| Okay. Finally our intuition has been confirmed by scientific study. No matter how well-meaning you are, maneuvering through the first couple of years as a stepfamily is hell for everyone - the couple and the kids. Nearly a quarter of stepfamilies fail short in this short, tumultuous, conflicted period.
But Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage and Parenting in the First Decade by Bray and Kelly (Broadway Books), which puts forth this thesis, doesn't end with that conclusion. The book, based on a nine-year study led by James H. Bray, a clinical psychologist, and associate professor of family medicine at Baylor College of Medicine, has a much more positive ending. Over the course of the project, the study examined 200 families (half of them were stepfamilies in which the children in the household are only biologically linked to the mother and the other half were nuclear families). It determined that when a marriage works in a stepfamily, it often works especially well.
Maybe the pure research would be dull reading (though I think not), but the book by Bray and Kelly reads like a take-off on your life. It's informative, lively and illuminates the points it makes with evocative stories from real life experiences. One thing we learn as we read through it is that while each stepfamily is unique, there are persistent stepfamily themes that run through them - especially in their early and middle years. You might not identify with all the couples who share the seesaw existences, but you will find bits and pieces in each story that will have you shaking your head in recognition of a situation you've experienced or are in the midst of now.
Consider a few of Stepfamilies conclusions:
The perceptions of both the insiders in the study (the moms and kids who came as a package to the marriage) and the outsiders (the stepfathers who may or may not have biological children living elsewhere) are so different in the early stages of the remarriage that that alone could destroy the marriage. The principal bridge across the seemingly insurmountable chasm is made up of mutually agreed upon compromises. Back and forth, back and forth - even if that means expressing complaints and arguing. "In order for a compromise to work," Bray states, "It has to incorporate the perspectives of both parties, and it is very hard to do that if one or both parties cannot state his or her perspective clearly and forthrightly."
For me, some of the most interesting observations didn't always show up in the useful "Points to Keep in Mind" section at the end of many of the chapters. One example is that all stepfamilies start with some unrealistic expectations. (Whew! Good to know we weren't the only Brady Bunch dreamers.) Yet if the couple can edit those expectations to fit reality, the marriage has a good chance of surviving. Another was that stepdads who at first simply monitor their stepchildren's actions, (like reporting to his wife that Susie said she'll be back from her friend's at 8 p.m. or offering to pick up Sam after his ballgame) rather than dive actively into the role of fatherhood, make the transition for themselves and the kids much easier. Another was that the men and women who could not free themselves from the influence of a first marriage usually ended up destroying a second. And then, there was the warning no to be surprised if your out-of-resident stepchildren move in. About 20 percent of children do take up residence with their fathers in early adolescence.
I've read enough books on stepfamilies to know that most have kernels of truth and a few have some good tips for parenting. But Stepfamilies by Bray and Kelly puts it all together in an uncommonly readable, sensible and useful way. I would recommend it for anyone in the first five years of stepfamily life. |
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| The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting |
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| by Ericka Lutz |
| review by Patricia Schiff Estess |
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| If you can ignore the flippancy and the dismal attempts at humor that punctuate The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting (Alpha Books), then you might find sound advice, interesting ideas and helpful hints on how to move he stepfamily from chaos into a new and satisfying family group.
But it's not always easy. Lutz (and one must assume her editors) resorted to the very images that they said they didn't want to perpetuate, like wicked witched, to highlight what doesn't work in stepparenting. And she uses such breezy phrases as "hissy fit" and "legal schmeagle" to describe the overwhelming emotional responses of former spouses and the costly and trying legal problems that some stepfamilies have to face. "Honey," I wanted to scream as I was reading the book, "give me a break! We've all been there and no matter what sort of a great sense of humor you have, you can't make light of these issues."
My irritation with some words and phrases, however, shouldn't take away from the soundness of the advice…nor the importance of the issues she raises.
This is an empathetic book. Stepparents will read it shaking their heads in agreement. "Yes, that's me. That's how I feel." And because of it, the book provides stepparents a place where it's safe to air somewhat less than noble thoughts, such as being jealous when your spouse talks to his ex, feeling like the odd-person our when your spouse and stepchildren are sharing an "in" joke, or feeling hurt, angry or resentful of the little brats who compare you to their "real mother/father" - and always unfavorably. Lutz has good counsel as to how to handle those feelings - everything from how to raise and explain them to your spouse, to which to swallow and accept as perfectly natural, to what you can do to reframe and deal with those feelings.
Some of the best information in the book, however, is in the chapters that deal with subjects not usually covered in stepparenting books: stepteens, cross-cultural stepfamilies and gay stepparenting.
For stepparents who have never had to raise a teen, the chapter "Stepteens: The Brutal Years" tells it like it is. Adolescents are an odd lot. They are cruel, charming, interesting, moody, warm, lethargic and rebellious. And they can turn from one to another in a matter of seconds. They'd be that mixed up no matter with whom they lived or what parent figure they were around. But because the stepparent is new to the family, you become the scapegoat. You're an easy target. You'll never escape the role, but the book does provide good advice on how to make household living easier during these years.
Cultural differences stemming from differences in countries of origin, socioeconomic classes, race, religion or family history can cause problems in any marriage. The chapter on "Cross-Cultural Stepfamilies" examines the traits that are necessary to hone to gain an understanding and appreciation of the cultural differences of your spouse's children (and your spouse!). It also provides a number of suggestions for ways to teach your stepfamily about your culture.
Gay and lesbian stepparenting is a huge subject, and Lutz admits she's merely going to give it a "quick scenic tour" (more of those cutesy expressions!), but the "tour" highlights important information. Custody and visitation rights are touched on (the court system is not on your side) as are the legal issues and ramifications. (If you want to get a deeper emotional and psychological view of lesbian stepfamilies, I suggest Lesbian Step Families: An Ethnography of Love by Janet W. Wright, published by Harrington Park Press. It explores five two-women stepfamilies and how they accomplish parenting tasks, cope with homophobia and define and interpret their experiences.)
While The Complete Idiot's Guide is directed toward the stepparent, Lutz is sympathetic to others in the extended family. She explains the dilemma the bioparent (the child's biological parent; the stepmom or stepdad's spouse) faces - being in the middle of a new spouse and your kids. So in the chapter "Family Talk," you can find a bevy of problem-solving techniques that can be used for getting the bioparent out of the squeeze…or for any other difficult stepfamily situation. And she lets you in on an oft-forgotten bit of good advice if want an ally - elicit the help of grandparents. All in all, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting is a useful handbook and friend to new stepparents. |
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| I Was My Mother's Bridesmaid: Young Adults Talk About Thriving in a Blended Family | ||
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| by Erica and Vanessa Carlisle | ||
| review by Patricia Schiff Estess | ||
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For all those parents and stepparents who wish they could read their child's or stepchild's mind here's an opportunity to hear it from the kids.
I Was My Mother's Bridesmaid (Wildcat Canyon Press) is an open dialogue among young adults mostly aged 18 to 25 who grew up in stepfamilies. Because the children in this book have grown up and left home, they have a longer and perhaps more objective perspective on their families.
Here's their theme…and their conclusion. Despite the difficulties and time it took to adjust, kids, their parents and their stepparents can, at best, become a family and grow to love each other and , at worst, can get along productively if they treat one another respectfully.
The voices in the book are much more forgiving of us, their parents and stepparents, than we might think. (But who knows. Maybe our own children will give us latitude some time in the future!) These young adults give us the right to make mistakes and concede that most of our mistakes are forgivable, and don't portend the end of the world. As one young woman says, "Probably the best measure of a parent is whether or not their child has the capacity for enjoyment, the capacity for love and kindness, whether they are happy and whether they are good. I am all those things, so they (her parents and stepparents) couldn't have screwed up that badly."
Though not quite sure how it happened that they grew up to be happy, productive and caring individuals, these young people share what worked and what didn't in their stepfamily journey.
They like the people who make their parents happy, and they don't want their parents to be alone, but it hurts if the parent's new relationship develops at their expense.
When their parent's new partner is genuine and candid and makes an effort to get to know them individually, the relationship can work. They actually enjoyed the opportunity to learn lessons that they can't learn from their parents alone.
Kids realize that when they move between two sets of parents that the rules differ in each household, especially when stepparents are involved. Not to worry, though. "Adaptability becomes second nature to most of us, and we develop an acute understanding of what behavior is and is not acceptable in each of our families," says one participant. But, they also hate the idea of mediating, translating or relaying information between households. They don't want to be allies on a particular side of a continuing divorce battle.
They want us to know that when stepparents come into their lives, they not only had to create new relationships but also change existing ones. And that takes time. "Don't move in too quickly," they warn stepparents over and over again. "We need to grieve the end of our old family before we are ready to accept a new configuration. We need to trust that our stepparent is a good person before we will accept any authority from them."
They say that they've grown very close to some stepparents over time. Says one, who never got as close to his stepfather as he did his stepmother, "It's no the structural problem of an outsider coming in and taking the place of another person or inserting themselves into your life. It's the content of the person, not the form of the situation." He goes on to make a point that society as a whole sometimes misses: that genetic ties don't determine a family. "I don't think there is anything structurally weird about that type of relationship for the children."
The young people remind us that change is a slow process, a two-step forward one-step back journey that can be very hurtful to everyone involved at times. Says one young woman of her stepdad, "He thought I was more influential in our family situation, and he didn't recognize that I really was an upset girl. There were mean names flying out of his mouth, things that shouldn't have been said to a kid. So, of course, I said things that you shouldn't say to anyone."
Finally, they let us know that "our families are normal to us." Say the authors: "We are flexible, especially as young children. We are resilient and able to weather enormous transitions in our families. Our arrangements are second nature to us, even if they are not the ideal." ("Idealized" might be a better word here.)
Do the ideas and observations of young adults in this book resonate for adults? You bet. Let's hear it for the kids.
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